The film starts with the cast standing in the dark, spotlights shining down on them. ELDERS OF KRYPTON: For the crime of sedition, we sentence you to an eternity in the Phantom Zone, a living death. (beat) Yeah, that's MUCH more humane than the death penalty. For an advanced civilization, we can be real jerks. *** MARK: I'm singing! And I'm singing! And I'm using my camera as a narrative device to deliver exposition to the audience, only thought I only do it once! ROGER: I'm Mark's roommate, but I'm not gay. In fact, isn't it odd how there's exactly three couples, one gay, one lesbian, and one straight? MARK: Isn't it odd how you SHUT UP! *** COLLINS: Toss me down a key. AUDIENCE: Hey, it's that guy from Law & Order! COLLINS: Actually, I did Rent first, so you should be saying "Hey, it's that guy from Rent!" when you watch Law & Order. AUDIENCE: ...so, do you ever wish you were on Law & Order: SVU instead of Law & Order: Old School? *** THUGS: Attack! COLLINS: Isn't it odd how I; a six foot two black guy, get attacked, but later an Mimi runs around in a G-string and fishnet stockings unmolested? THUGS: Yes, we can see how that would be confusing. However, it is important for the plot for you to be attacked, both to set the mood and to allow you to be rescued by Angel. COLLINS: I see. Well, have at it. *** ANGEL: Hi, I'm a very nice person named Angel. Gee, that's nuanced characterization. What's next, a priest named Christian? A blacksmith named Smith? COLLINS: So, what are you doing later? NOTICE: THE NEXT BIT IS ACTUAL DIALOGUE FROM THE FILM ANGEL: I’m going to my life support meeting. It’s for people with AIDS. Like me. DING! NUMBER OF CHARACTERS WITH AIDS: One! DING! COLLINS: Me too. NUMBER OF CHARACTERS WITH AIDS: Two! *** MIMI: I'm Mimi, a stripper with a heart of gold. ROGER: That's nuanced characterization there. MIMI: Hey, mind being really judgmental about me being on drugs even thought you yourself were on drugs? And, instead of being understanding, shut me out while I'm in the throes of withdrawal? ROGER: Sure thing. AUDIENCE: Man, for a Bohemian he's pretty intolerant. ROGER: Hey, it's hard work being intolerant! A lazy Mexican could never be this intolerant! (pricks toe on needle) Ow! NUMBER OF CHARACTERS WITH AIDS: Three! THE COUNT: Three! Three characters dying from AIDS! Ahahaha! *** BENNY: I guess I'm the villain here, even though I never really do anything all that villainous. In fact, I go out of my way to help my former roommates. ROGER: You sold out, Benny! You betrayed our principles! Remember? *** ROGER: You were the Chosen One! It was said that you would destroy the Establishment, not join them! You were to bring balance to the Bohemia, not leave it in darkness! BENNY: I hate you! ROGER: You were my brother, Benny. I loved you *** BENNY: Anyway, just convince Maureen to call off her political rally which is inexplicably a major plot point and I'll let you live rent-free for the rest of your lives. MARK: Don't you try to tempt us with your generous offers and near-infinite patience! You married the landlord's daughter! BENNY: Well, since I'm the only one in a stable relationship, I can see how that would be... wait, later on I end up dating someone else? What's up with that? Am I cheating on the landlord's daughter or did we break up or what? Oh, who cares. I'm Taye Diggs! I'm cooler than the rest of you all put together! I CO-STARRED WITH CHRISTIAN BALE IN EQUILIBRIUM. Top that. NUMBER OF CHARACTERS WITH AIDS: Four! Oh, wait, sorry, false alarm... *** MARK: We don't have any money! ANGEL: Here ya go. ROGER: Wow, do you normally give out free money to friends of people you've just met? ANGEL: Only when I get it from killing a dog. MARK: That sounds like a Denis Leary joke. *** ROGER: My character trait is that I'm trying to write one perfect song before I die... oh, right, sorry. From AIDS. NUMBER OF CHARACTERS WITH AIDS: Holding steady at three! MARK: Well, I film people a lot. With my camera. Hey Angel, do you mind if I film you and other people suffering from AIDS as you bare your hearts in graphic detail? ANGEL: I don't see a problem with that. *** MARK: I'm going to help you, the girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend, fix your equipment. Because I'm completely *****-whipped. JOANNE: You think there'd be a character arc about that. Or that you'd grow as a character. Or something. MARK: Nope. By the way, your girlfriend's a ****. Isn't it odd how, in a movie all about the dangers of AIDS, a woman who has promiscious sex with complete strangers has no comeuppance? JOANNE: Yeah, it kinda undermines the message. MARK: Where'd you learn how to tango, by the way? JOANNE: Aren't you curious where I got my other professional dancing skills, professional choreography, back-up dancers, chorus, and soundtrack? MARK: No, just the tango. JOANNE: I learned it being a lesbian. MARK: I learned it being Jewish. JOANNE: Minorities rock! ROGER: Who know you else rocks? Hitler. *** ANGEL: Well, here's my support group for AIDS sufferers. NUMBER OF CHARACTERS WITH AIDS: DING DING DING DING DING! MOTHER LODE! MAN WITH AIDS: Well, I can't think of anything to do. WOMAN WITH AIDS: Let's sing! MAN WITH AIDS: We always sing! I thought we could do something different. WOMAN WITH AIDS: Like what? MAN WITH AIDS: Well, I brought a DVD of Lilo & Stitch. It's a pretty fun movie... WOMAN WITH AIDS: I don't like cartoons. COLLINS: Guys, let's just sing. MAN WITH AIDS: Oh, like we haven't done THAT five billion times... GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE ADRIEN BRODY: Why chose fear? MAN WITH AIDS: I'm a New Yorker. Fear is our life. Unless you're Daredevil. DAREDEVIL: My movie SUCKED! ROGER: Maybe because you take orders from the Vatican, Catholic! *** MIMI'S STRIP: Perform! AUDIENCE: How come at strip clubs, nobody in Hollywood actually strips? NATALIE PORTMAN AND JESSICA ALBA: No-nudity clauses. AUDIENCE: (thinks of Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of London" every time Mimi howls) *** LIFE SUPPORT GROUP: Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? MARK: Hey, mind if I film all of this so I can make some money? LIFE SUPPORT GROUP: Go right ahead. WILL I LOSE MY DIGNITY? *** COLLINS: With a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you... ANGEL: Oh, Tom, I'm so happy, so perfectly happy... ARGGHHHH! ANGELUS: Guess who's back? (rips Collins's throat out) Now time to get the old gang back together and take over the world. There'll be no one to stop us this time! VIN DIESEL: Wanna bet? ANGELUS: Curses, my arch-enemy Vin Diesel! We meet again! VIN DIESEL: Your reign of terror is over, Angelus! ANGELUS: On the contrary... it's just beginning! On the other hand, this is the end for you! Pick up your sword. It's time we settle this once and for all! AUDIENCE: Oh, we wish... *** ROGER: Why am I turning down sex with Rosario Dawson again? MIMI: Because you're an intolerant jackass? ROGER: Oh yeah, that. Now get in the kitchen and make me dinner, woman! *** MAUREEN: Blah blah blah Cyberland, blah blah blah MOO. NUMBER OF CHARACTERS WITH AIDS: Four! AUDIENCE: Oh, we wish. MAUREEN: Benny's a lapdog and he abandoned his principles! BENNY: Officer, arrest that women for slander! AUDIENCE: Oh, we wish. MAUREEN: Blah blah leap of faith blah blah blah moon blah blah blah conspicuously not even mentioning the homeless problem. POLICEMEN: This is the big political rally you were threatened by? This woman couldn't convince Michael Moore to vote against Bush! BENNY: Well, uhhh, I... POLICEMEN: Screw it, we were promised a hippie beatdown, we're ****ing having a hippie beatdown! HIPPIES: Beat down! MAUREEN: Ruined! PERFORMANCE ART: Over! AUDIENCE: Yay! *** BENNY: Why am I sitting here with my investors while a bunch of Bohemians mock us in song instead of leaving? INVESTORS: Why are we eating at the same restaurant that a bunch of Bohemians would frequent in the first place? RESTAURANT OWNER: Why am I willing to lose the business of several rich investors instead of a bunch of deadbeat Bohemians who can barely ever pay? BOHEMIANS: Why are we surprised when Benny evicts us later after we embarrass him in front of his father-in-law and investors? MR. GREY: Why do I look like Anthony Zerbe? BENNY: Why did I ever hang out with you idiots? MIMI: Why don't I tell you that I have AIDS? NUMBER OF CHARACTERS WITH AIDS: Four! Why not more? AUDIENCE: Why are the characters in a major Hollywood movie ranting against the mainstream and selling out? IRONY: Well, I'll just be over here than. AUDIENCE: Okay, you had us going there with the whole defy authority thing, but then you kinda went off on a tangent about fighting AIDS and now we really don't know what you're getting at. Hey, wouldn't it be cool if Authority and AIDS had a supervillain team-up? It's be almost as cool as Brainiac and Lex Luthor. BRAINIAC: Dude, nothing's as cool as us. LEX LUTHOR: Respect, *****es. I've been played by Gene Hackman AND Kevin Spacey. Booyah. *** MARK: What the... our door's padlocked! Benny would never do that! ROGER: I don't know, maybe he's taken to the drink. Like those scurvy Irish! ANGEL: What magnificent bastard could've done this? LIONEL LUTHOR: That would be me. I've taken over villain duties for Benny. He just wasn't cutting it. COLLINS: But aren't you offended by our rampant homosexuality? LIONEL LUTHOR: Please. When I left Smallville, my son and Clark Kent were playing pool. Compared to that, this place is a John Wayne movie. *** MARK: Ironically, I have to sell out just like Benny to pay the rent. Thus I gain a bit of perspective on why he does what he does and... BENNY: Hi Mark. MARK: SCREW YOU, SELL-OUT! *** MAUREEN: I'd be faithful to you if you just asked. JOANNE: I assumed that was kinda implicit in the whole idea of dating. MAUREEN: Take me for what I am! JOANNE: OK, You're a Promiscuous ****, So Take Me for What I Am, Your New Former Partner. THAT JOKE: Stolen from Roger Ebert. *** LIONEL LUTHOR: Well, here's all your stuff back. MARK: That doesn't seem very Magnificent Bastardly of you. LIONEL LUTHOR: I'll admit, sometimes I have my off-moments. Like when I let Mimi convince me to give you your stuff back. ROGER: OMGWTFMIMI? MARK: You got served! LIONEL LUTHOR: Ciao. ROGER: She cheated on me! Like a sideways-vaginaed Asian! *** MIMI: Rejected! ANGEL: (Dies. A lot.) COLLINS: OMGWTFANGELISDED! Pan from Collins to Briscoe. BRISCOE: So much for safe sex. NARRATOR: In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate crime; and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories. *** MIMI: Roger left me. Mind if I shack up with you? LIONEL LUTHOR: I think not. I was just using you for sex. In fact, I'm turning you out on the street in the dead of winter. Goodbye now. ZEV: I know, I know, in the movie she ran away for some reason, but isn't this more entertaining? VIN DIESEL: You won't win Angelus! I've convinced the Vorlons to help me! ANGELUS: A pity you will be unable to contact them... from the Negative Zone! BWAHAHAHAHA! *** ROGER: I'm leaving for Sante Fe... Okay, I'm back! COLLINS: Now we can get all the money we need from an ATM I rewired. That's the solution to all life's problems... stealing from people who actually work for a living! MIMI: I'm dead! ... No I'm not! Angel talked me out of dying. MARK: No, really? MAUREEN: Well, I guess we're getting back together or something. JOANNE: Yeah, even though all our issues weren't resolved. At all. COLLINS: Well, this Fiver kinda petered out at the end. Benny runs in and kills everyone with gun-kata. BENNY: Mind the uniform Cleric. I plan to be wearing it for a long time. LIONEL LUTHOR: Lord Benny... rise. Together we will rule the universe! VIN DIESEL: I don't think so. LIONEL LUTHOR: Vin Diesel? But how!? VIN DIESEL: I had a little help from my friends. MR. T: Mr. T pities the fool who locks up Vin Diesel in the Negative Zone. Ain't that right, Chuck Norris? CHUCK NORRIS: That's right, Mr. T. What do you think, Wonder Woman? WONDER WOMAN: Ride me! Ride me like Seabiscuit!