Welp... Finished it.
I'm somewhere between "this was awesome, I love weird dark ****" and "this was some drawn out, pointless, nonsensical , fake-deep, pretentious ****ing bull**** " . Lots of subplots that went nowhere (but it seems style and "surrealism" were far more important to Refn and co. than the plot anyways), lots of drawn out scenes that go soooo PAINFULLY slow that I find myself skipping it just a TEENY bit, but also lots of interesting themes/symbolism, amazing style, solid cinematography, great performances (Baldwin genuinely made me uncomfortable every single time he was onscreen, which was clearly the intention) and even occasionally some funny moments in between all this neon-lit bleakness, the times you were made to feel unnerved were extremely effective, and the score is just phenomenal, of course.
And I want Yaritza to step on me.