Sci-fi Springer
by Kevin D. Smith
(Cue theme music)
"JERRY!"
In a new day...
"JERRY!"
In a new time...
"JERRY!"
Only one talk-show has survived...
"JERRY! JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!"
Now, finally allowing beatdowns--JERRY SPRINGER!!!
(The audience goes wild, and out from backstage appears Jerry Springer Jr)
Jerry: Hi, welcome to today's show. "I'm coming out--no, not that way. I have powers and such." Meet our first guest, Mark.
Mark: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Okay, so Mark, why are you here today?
Mark: I'm here to tell my parents that I have the ability to read minds--Telepathy. And there's some other things that they need to know.
Jerry: Just so everyone knows, Mark is 16. He convinced his parents that this was a makeover show. So Mark, how did you get these powers?
Mark: Well, I guess it started when I was 10, and while me and my friend David were in my treehouse. He had dared me to stay up the whole night on one of the branches. It was all going fine until I was struck by lightning.
Jerry: So the lightning gave you the powers?
Mark: No. I think it was when I fell out of the tree and hit my head was when it started.
Jerry: So you were struck by lightning, and then fell on your head. And you survived? Wow.
Mark: I know. It took a few years, but I was as good as new.
Jerry: So when did you discover them?
Mark: Well, last year. It was when my friend, David again, when he told me that he was seeing my girlfriend on the side.
(Audience does the classic "ooooo")
Jerry: So he just told you? What a good friend.
Mark: Well, he didn't exactly tell me. That whole day I was getting headaches, I mean, the kind that makes you wanna knock yourself out. So I begged David to punch me in the face to knock me out.
Jerry: O....kay. You sure have good ideas, Kid.
(Audience laughs)
Mark: Yeah. So anyway, he kept hitting me, but the headaches only got worst--
Jerry: I would have never guessed that they would.
Mark: And so he then pushed me to the ground. I again hit my head, and that's when I heard him saying, in my mind, that If he's lucky, I won't wake up and he could be with my girl once and for all.
Jerry: What a horrible friend.
Mark: Well, that's the thing. I had only imaged that he said that. I didn't find out until after the car hit him.
(Audience gasps)
Jerry: A car hit him?
Mark: See, when I heard what I thought I heard, I kinda pushed him into the street. A car was coming and... well, he was hit.
(Audience ooooooos)
Jerry: Everyone, settle down. So David's dead, Mark?
Mark: Yeah, he died in my arms. That's when something in my brain snapped, and I heard his dying thoughts.
It was kinda like what happened to Jean Grey.
Jerry: No, it's exactly what happened.
Mark: No, she never killed her friend.
Jerry: Mark, you didn't kill him. You helped with it, yes, but you didn't kill him.
Mark: but I did. one of his last dying thoughts was that he wished he told me how much he loved me. And then he started to say it when I told him that if he finished his sentence and survived, I would make his life a living hell. His last thought was that he'd rather die than never telling me.
(Audience starts booing)
Jerry: ...You told your dying friend, who loved you, that you would make his life a living hell if he had told you that he loved you? So he chose to die instead of keeping it inside... Bastard.
"BASTARD!"
(And of course, since there's always that one guy that sceams something, the rest of the audience has to join in.)
"BASTARD! BASTARD! BASTARD! BASTARD!"
Mark: I killed my best friend.
Jerry: Like I said before, you didn't kill him. Although, now I will agree that it's your fault. We'll meet Mark's parents after the commercial break.
(Cue theme music, and out)
t: j/k. I'm doing this for fun, and just to do it, so if there are people who like this, well then good. This is my silly story (silly as in just throwing things together for the hell of it). Laterz.
mind reading fool my ass.
