Mentok
Avenger
- Joined
- May 1, 2003
- Messages
- 20,647
- Reaction score
- 0
- Points
- 31
Everybody's free (to wear sunscreen)
Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
or
Not the sunscreen song
Ladies and gentleman of the class of '98
people often ask me if I have any advice to offer
and when they do, I tell them this:
If you're unsure about what you're going to do with your life
try to remember some of the most interesting people didn't know what
they
were going to do at age 22 or even at 40, and nearly all of them are
unemployed drug addicts forced to live on cat food.
Also understand that friends will come and go - this is because of your
irritating personality - nobody likes you. So if the only thing getting
you
through the day is the misconception that people like you - end it now.
Learn how to smoke Winnie blues. If you're underaged, get an older kid to
buy them for you. Get to really know your parents - they're good for
money.
Milk them, then put them in an old people's home. Travel as often as you
can. Live in New York City once. Live in northern California once. Never
live in Adelaide - it's a hole.
Maybe you'll marry. Maybe you won't.
Maybe you'll have children. Maybe you won't. If you do have children,
lock
them under the stairs.
Do one thing each day that scares you. Sing. Dance. Jump in front of a
car.
Do not trust anyone who tries to update Shakespeare for the kids. And
if
you see Quindon Tarver in the street - punch him in the face for me...
If you're worried about the way you look, try to remember you're
probably
fatter than you think. Maybe you should consider an eating disorder.
Don't
worry too much about the future. If you're nervous about an exam, ring
up
your school at the scheduled time and make a bomb threat. If you're a
girl,
lie about period pains to get out of anything that you don't want to
do. Cheat if you think you can get away with it. Remember, someone with
richer parents is getting private tuition.
Shoplift as often as you can. Shopping centres factor shop lifting into
their prices so if you don't do it, it's like they're getting money for
free. When you're on work experience, steal a cabcharge and take a taxi
to
Perth. Wear sunscreen, but only if its that coconut oil that gives you
cancer. Keep your old love letters. If you see an old lover in the
street,
try to run them over in your car. Don't mess too much with your hair,
otherwise by the time you're 35, you'll look like Greg Matthews.
Remember
you can wear your underwear 4 times without washing: forwards,
backwards,
inside out forwards, inside out backwards.
Congregate in gangs around train stations and shopping centres. It's a
free
country. It's public space. Skateboard on war memorials. Smoke in your
school uniform. Set off car alarms. Plant drugs on a teacher. Join a
cult.
Spike drinks. Don't flush public toilets. Remember, only you will only
truly take care of you - so carry a concealed weapon. Don't wear your P
plates. Walk around with your eyelids rolled back. Touch you tongue on
the
tip of batteries. Be open to new love. Remember, you can't get pregnant
the first time you have sex. Expect others to support you. It's easy to
get
the dole - and still do cash in hand work. Respect your elders. When
your
grandma dies have her stuffed. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss
them
when you're kneecapped by a lone shark. Get revenge. Don't forgive
anyone
for anything. But most of all, don't aim too high - You're probably only
suited to an office or factory job.
And trust me on the Winnie blues
Now read and choose
