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Christmas with the Cranks
Feeling grinchy at Christmastime? Here are 10 spiteful lumps of cinematic coal that will appeal to your inner Scrooge by Gary Susman & Kirthana Ramisetti
The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Danny Elfman, Chris Sarandon, Catherine O'Hara, and Paul Reubens
PREMISE Jack Skellington (voiced by Sarandon), the top spook in Halloweentown, gets tired of running Halloween and decides to take over Christmas instead, kidnapping Santa Claus and delivering creepy gifts to horrified kids.
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT Santa finds himself chained to a giant roulette wheel in the underground lair of the monstrous Oogie Boogie.
MEMORABLE QUOTE Jack, taken aback by the quaint Christmastown, sings: ''There's children throwing snowballs/Instead of throwing heads/They're busy building toys/And absolutely no one's dead!''
WHY YULE WATCH IT This delightfully gruesome, Tim Burton-designed animated musical will tickle anyone who thinks Halloween is really more fun than Christmas.
EW GRADE A-
Blackadder's Christmas Carol (1988)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Rowan Atkinson (at left), Tony Robinson (at right), Robbie Coltrane
PREMISE A visit from the Spirit of Christmas (Coltrane) convinces Ebenezer Blackadder (Atkinson), a Victorian doormat, to turn over a new leaf and become a greedy, cold-hearted bastard.
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT Ebenezer snubs and insults a visiting couple, unaware that they're Queen Victoria and Prince Albert.
MEMORABLE QUOTE When Mrs. Scratchit sobs that Tiny Tom will have no goose this Christmas, Ebenezer replies: ''Mrs. Scratchit, Tiny Tom is 15 stone and built like a brick privy. If he eats anymore heartily, he will turn into a pie shop.''
WHY YULE WATCH IT Atkinson's parody hilariously turns Dickens' classic completely on its head and isn't sweetened by the least bit of treacle or redemption.
GRADE A-
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo, Randy Quaid
PREMISE This time, Clark Griswold (Chase, above) and his family are spending their vacation at home, at a house overstuffed with relatives, including Cousin Eddie (Quaid) and plenty of aunts, uncles, and grandparents.
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT So many to choose from: the deflating turkey; the electrocuted cat; the septic explosion
MEMORABLE QUOTE ''We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f---ing Kaye,'' Clark tells his miserable relatives. ''And when Santa squeezes his fat white a-- down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a--holes this side of the nuthouse.''
WHY YULE WATCH IT Sad to say, this old-fashioned holiday experience may seem familiar.
EW GRADE C-
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Robert Brian Wilson, Will Hare
PREMISE In this most notorious of all Christmas-themed slasher movies, traumatized teen Billy (Wilson, above), who's always thought of Santa Claus as the punisher of bad children, dons a red suit and embarks on a slay ride, slaughtering both the naughty and the nice.
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT One victim is impaled on wall-mounted reindeer antlers.
MEMORABLE QUOTE Grandpa (Hare) instills a lifelong fear of St. Nick in young Billy, telling him: ''You see Santa Claus tonight, you better run boy, you better run for ya life!''
WHY YULE WATCH ITAdmit it: You've always been a little unnerved by the whole ''He sees you when you're sleeping/He knows when you're awake'' thing.
GRADE C
Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights (2002)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Adam Sandler, Kevin Nealon, Rob Schneider
PREMISE Davey Stone (voiced by Sandler), a 33-year-old drunk who delights in ruining Hanukkah and Christmas for others in his small town, reluctantly takes a shot at redemption when he's ordered to do community service as a youth-league basketball referee.
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT On a Scorpion Bowl-fueled rampage, Davey knocks over the town's holiday ice sculptures this during the cartoon musical's opening number.
MEMORABLE QUOTE Davey, at the mall, in a deliberately loud voice: ''Good night, Mayor! And the answer to your question is Spencer's Gifts. They definitely have furry underwear.''
WHY YULE WATCH IT It's the cleverest, funniest, and crudest snowbound animated musical this side of South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut.
EW GRADE Um, we gave it an F at the time, but Sandlerphiles, crude humor fans, and viewers wallowing in a holiday funk will find it's more like a B-
The Ref (1994)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Denis Leary, Kevin Spacey, and Judy Davis
PREMISE After botching a heist on Christmas Eve, cat burglar Gus (Leary) takes hostage Lloyd and Caroline Chasseur (Spacey and Davis, at right), to avoid capture by the police. Gus is forced to act as a de facto marriage counselor to quiet down the squabbling couple, assuming the role for real when Lloyd's annoying relatives drop by for Christmas dinner.
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT When Lloyd's nephew complains that the television is broken and asks what he should do with himself, his acidic mother (Christine Baranski) retorts: "Celebrate the birth of Christ!"
MEMORABLE QUOTE ''You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom?'' Lloyd asks. ''A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it!''
WHY YULE WATCH IT Though The Ref ain't what you'd call a classic, it's Leary's funniest movie to date. Period.
EW GRADE C-
Bad Santa (2003)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Billy Bob Thornton, Tony Cox
PREMISE Willie (Thornton, above) and Marcus (Cox) steal from the malls where they work as Santa and an elf. The partners' latest crime venture is complicated when a lonely kid (Brett Kelly) wants to befriend Willie's Santa
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT Thornton's Santa is a foul-mouthed drunk. In fact, the film contains 243 separate uses of profanity.
MEMORABLE QUOTE Hard to find a printable one, but let's just say this: Willie's girlfriend (Gilmore Girls' Lauren Graham) has a bit of a Santa fetish, and she wants to do more than sit on his lap. Naughty!
WHY YULE WATCH IT It's the anti-Christmas Christmas special. The razor-sharp humor and adults-only subject matter will destroy any warm fuzzies that might remain from your Santa-believing childhood.
EW GRADE D -- at least it isn't an F, already enough of those in the movie
Die Hard (1988)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Bruce Willis, Bonnie Bedelia, Alan Rickman
PREMISE McClane (Willis), who has just arrived in L.A. to attend his estranged wife's company Christmas party, takes on the ruthless terrorists who have commandeered his wife's office building to steal millions from a vault. And did we mention he's barefoot?
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT Well, the execution of two hostages and a strangulation by metal chain aren't exactly festive.
MEMORABLE QUOTE As a SWAT team closes in on the building, one of the baddies warns his comrades: ''All right, listen up, guys. 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for the four a---holes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation.''
WHY YULE WATCH IT After Die Hard, the hangover you have from your office Christmas party won't seem that bad.
EW GRADE A
The Office Christmas Special (2004)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Mackenzie Crook, Ricky Gervais, Lucy Davis, and Martin Freeman (pictured, from left to right)
PREMISEThe documentary crew filming the goings on at Wernham Hogg (as chronicled in the first two seasons of the show) has made David (Gervais) a star, and he's eager to catch up with his disinterested ex-employees. Tim (Freeman) and Dawn (Davis) see each other for the first time since she moved to Florida with her fiancé.
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT The show nicely captures the dullness of an office holiday party: dreary small talk, crappy food and decorations, and the obligatory Secret Santa gift exchange.
WHY YULE WATCH IT David and company render quiet desperation with such hilarity that you'll forget your own.
GRADE A+
Scrooged (1988)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Bill Murray, Carol Kane, David Johansen, Bobcat Goldthwait
PREMISEWhile producing a live television performance of ''A Christmas Carol,'' cynical TV exec Francis Cross (Murray) is shown the error of his Scrooge-like ways by Christmas ghosts and a disgruntled former employee.
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT Cross' gaudy production features Solid Gold dancers and Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim (the gymnast appears in a cameo).
MEMORABLE QUOTE Seeing the ghost of his old boss, Cross exclaims: ''No, you are a hallucination, brought on by alcohol! Russian vodka, poisoned by Chernobyl!''
WHY YULE WATCH ITNobody does disaffected like Bill Murray. And check out Kane's Ghost of Christmas Present yuletide smackdown funny stuff.
GRADE B+
Christmas with the Cranks
Feeling grinchy at Christmastime? Here are 10 spiteful lumps of cinematic coal that will appeal to your inner Scrooge by Gary Susman & Kirthana Ramisetti
The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Danny Elfman, Chris Sarandon, Catherine O'Hara, and Paul Reubens
PREMISE Jack Skellington (voiced by Sarandon), the top spook in Halloweentown, gets tired of running Halloween and decides to take over Christmas instead, kidnapping Santa Claus and delivering creepy gifts to horrified kids.
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT Santa finds himself chained to a giant roulette wheel in the underground lair of the monstrous Oogie Boogie.
MEMORABLE QUOTE Jack, taken aback by the quaint Christmastown, sings: ''There's children throwing snowballs/Instead of throwing heads/They're busy building toys/And absolutely no one's dead!''
WHY YULE WATCH IT This delightfully gruesome, Tim Burton-designed animated musical will tickle anyone who thinks Halloween is really more fun than Christmas.
EW GRADE A-
Blackadder's Christmas Carol (1988)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Rowan Atkinson (at left), Tony Robinson (at right), Robbie Coltrane
PREMISE A visit from the Spirit of Christmas (Coltrane) convinces Ebenezer Blackadder (Atkinson), a Victorian doormat, to turn over a new leaf and become a greedy, cold-hearted bastard.
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT Ebenezer snubs and insults a visiting couple, unaware that they're Queen Victoria and Prince Albert.
MEMORABLE QUOTE When Mrs. Scratchit sobs that Tiny Tom will have no goose this Christmas, Ebenezer replies: ''Mrs. Scratchit, Tiny Tom is 15 stone and built like a brick privy. If he eats anymore heartily, he will turn into a pie shop.''
WHY YULE WATCH IT Atkinson's parody hilariously turns Dickens' classic completely on its head and isn't sweetened by the least bit of treacle or redemption.
GRADE A-
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo, Randy Quaid
PREMISE This time, Clark Griswold (Chase, above) and his family are spending their vacation at home, at a house overstuffed with relatives, including Cousin Eddie (Quaid) and plenty of aunts, uncles, and grandparents.
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT So many to choose from: the deflating turkey; the electrocuted cat; the septic explosion
MEMORABLE QUOTE ''We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f---ing Kaye,'' Clark tells his miserable relatives. ''And when Santa squeezes his fat white a-- down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a--holes this side of the nuthouse.''
WHY YULE WATCH IT Sad to say, this old-fashioned holiday experience may seem familiar.
EW GRADE C-
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Robert Brian Wilson, Will Hare
PREMISE In this most notorious of all Christmas-themed slasher movies, traumatized teen Billy (Wilson, above), who's always thought of Santa Claus as the punisher of bad children, dons a red suit and embarks on a slay ride, slaughtering both the naughty and the nice.
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT One victim is impaled on wall-mounted reindeer antlers.
MEMORABLE QUOTE Grandpa (Hare) instills a lifelong fear of St. Nick in young Billy, telling him: ''You see Santa Claus tonight, you better run boy, you better run for ya life!''
WHY YULE WATCH ITAdmit it: You've always been a little unnerved by the whole ''He sees you when you're sleeping/He knows when you're awake'' thing.
GRADE C
Adam Sandler's Eight Crazy Nights (2002)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Adam Sandler, Kevin Nealon, Rob Schneider
PREMISE Davey Stone (voiced by Sandler), a 33-year-old drunk who delights in ruining Hanukkah and Christmas for others in his small town, reluctantly takes a shot at redemption when he's ordered to do community service as a youth-league basketball referee.
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT On a Scorpion Bowl-fueled rampage, Davey knocks over the town's holiday ice sculptures this during the cartoon musical's opening number.
MEMORABLE QUOTE Davey, at the mall, in a deliberately loud voice: ''Good night, Mayor! And the answer to your question is Spencer's Gifts. They definitely have furry underwear.''
WHY YULE WATCH IT It's the cleverest, funniest, and crudest snowbound animated musical this side of South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut.
EW GRADE Um, we gave it an F at the time, but Sandlerphiles, crude humor fans, and viewers wallowing in a holiday funk will find it's more like a B-
The Ref (1994)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Denis Leary, Kevin Spacey, and Judy Davis
PREMISE After botching a heist on Christmas Eve, cat burglar Gus (Leary) takes hostage Lloyd and Caroline Chasseur (Spacey and Davis, at right), to avoid capture by the police. Gus is forced to act as a de facto marriage counselor to quiet down the squabbling couple, assuming the role for real when Lloyd's annoying relatives drop by for Christmas dinner.
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT When Lloyd's nephew complains that the television is broken and asks what he should do with himself, his acidic mother (Christine Baranski) retorts: "Celebrate the birth of Christ!"
MEMORABLE QUOTE ''You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas, Mom?'' Lloyd asks. ''A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it!''
WHY YULE WATCH IT Though The Ref ain't what you'd call a classic, it's Leary's funniest movie to date. Period.
EW GRADE C-
Bad Santa (2003)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Billy Bob Thornton, Tony Cox
PREMISE Willie (Thornton, above) and Marcus (Cox) steal from the malls where they work as Santa and an elf. The partners' latest crime venture is complicated when a lonely kid (Brett Kelly) wants to befriend Willie's Santa
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT Thornton's Santa is a foul-mouthed drunk. In fact, the film contains 243 separate uses of profanity.
MEMORABLE QUOTE Hard to find a printable one, but let's just say this: Willie's girlfriend (Gilmore Girls' Lauren Graham) has a bit of a Santa fetish, and she wants to do more than sit on his lap. Naughty!
WHY YULE WATCH IT It's the anti-Christmas Christmas special. The razor-sharp humor and adults-only subject matter will destroy any warm fuzzies that might remain from your Santa-believing childhood.
EW GRADE D -- at least it isn't an F, already enough of those in the movie
Die Hard (1988)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Bruce Willis, Bonnie Bedelia, Alan Rickman
PREMISE McClane (Willis), who has just arrived in L.A. to attend his estranged wife's company Christmas party, takes on the ruthless terrorists who have commandeered his wife's office building to steal millions from a vault. And did we mention he's barefoot?
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT Well, the execution of two hostages and a strangulation by metal chain aren't exactly festive.
MEMORABLE QUOTE As a SWAT team closes in on the building, one of the baddies warns his comrades: ''All right, listen up, guys. 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except for the four a---holes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation.''
WHY YULE WATCH IT After Die Hard, the hangover you have from your office Christmas party won't seem that bad.
EW GRADE A
The Office Christmas Special (2004)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Mackenzie Crook, Ricky Gervais, Lucy Davis, and Martin Freeman (pictured, from left to right)
PREMISEThe documentary crew filming the goings on at Wernham Hogg (as chronicled in the first two seasons of the show) has made David (Gervais) a star, and he's eager to catch up with his disinterested ex-employees. Tim (Freeman) and Dawn (Davis) see each other for the first time since she moved to Florida with her fiancé.
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT The show nicely captures the dullness of an office holiday party: dreary small talk, crappy food and decorations, and the obligatory Secret Santa gift exchange.
WHY YULE WATCH IT David and company render quiet desperation with such hilarity that you'll forget your own.
GRADE A+
Scrooged (1988)
WHO'S NAUGHTY AND NICE Bill Murray, Carol Kane, David Johansen, Bobcat Goldthwait
PREMISEWhile producing a live television performance of ''A Christmas Carol,'' cynical TV exec Francis Cross (Murray) is shown the error of his Scrooge-like ways by Christmas ghosts and a disgruntled former employee.
BAH, HUMBUG! MOMENT Cross' gaudy production features Solid Gold dancers and Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim (the gymnast appears in a cameo).
MEMORABLE QUOTE Seeing the ghost of his old boss, Cross exclaims: ''No, you are a hallucination, brought on by alcohol! Russian vodka, poisoned by Chernobyl!''
WHY YULE WATCH ITNobody does disaffected like Bill Murray. And check out Kane's Ghost of Christmas Present yuletide smackdown funny stuff.
GRADE B+
