Batman: Punchline

[Blaztro]

Batman: Punchline
A Story By Blaztro

Chapter One

Bruce sighed as he sat down in his chair. His muscles ached from the previous night. Bane had returned, but he was now once again in Blackgate, waiting for transfer to the Slab. He grabbed the morning paper, and began reading. As Tim walked in and grabbed a piece of toast, Bruce’s jaw dropped, and the paper fell from his hands. Tim waved his hand in front of his eyes. “Bruce, you okay?” “Tim, could you go into the next room and get Alfred. Then, go… play your computer games, allright?” Tim shrugged. “I guess.” He walked off, muttering about how he was 16 now, and should be able to hear what was to be said.
A few moments later, Alfred appeared in the room. “Master Bruce, is something wrong?” “Take a look at the morning paper.” Alfred scanned the article thrust at him, and uttered, “My word.” ON the front page was a collage of two pictures, one of Selina Kyle, the other Duela Dent. Both had a javelin in the foreheads, from which a colorful flag bearing the word “BANG!” hung. On their faces the same eerie, red-lipped grin. The headline: “Socialite and Gangster’s Daughter Dead, Joker suspected”. “He’s gone too far. It has to end. I’m going out. Don’t let Tim know. It isn’t his fight.” “Yes, sir. Will you be taking the car?”
As the door opened to the study, Tim, who had his ear pressed against it, moved into the shadows with the swiftness of a cat. Alfred walked through, and opened the Grandfather clock. He reached inside, and as he pulled out, the bookcase next to it swung open. Looking around carefully to ensure he was alone, Alfred ventured inside. As the bookcase swung shut, Tim, with the precision of a computer, managed to get himself through just as it closed.

On the other side of Gotham, in the docks, Two-Face roared, sending nearby Teedledee a few steps back. “I’M REALLY GONNA PUNCH HIS TICKET! HE CAN KILL MY WIFE, SEND ME HALFWAY TO HELL, BUT HE’S GONE TOO FAR NOW!” He threw the paper down. “TWEEDLEDEE, GRAB MY COAT, MY GUN, AND TWEEDLEDUM! WE’RE GOING HUNTING!” “Uh, what for, boss?” “Himmmm.” Staring for a moment at the picture of his daughter, he grabbed his coin, and for a moment, it hung in the air, like a star at night, before coming down, showing a horribly scarred circle. “After we leave, torch the apartment. We won’t be needing it anymore.”

 

[Blaztro]

Chapter Two
The van roared onto Sprang Highway as inside, Harvey Two-Face drove like a madman. To distract himself from the nausea he was feeling, Tweedledum ventured to ask, “Uhh, Mr. Dent, uh, I was wonderin’, how come you, y’know, the face. I mean, I know the Joker did it, but, ya never told us the specifics.” Harvey laughed, and it sent a chill down Tweedledum’s spine. “It was about 8 or 9 years ago, I forget which. It was shortly after Joker first showed up in Gotham. I was an altruistic young DA back then, with a beautiful wife, and a lovely young daughter. She was 7 then, I think. The Joker didn’t like the way I was putting people behind bars. He didn’t believe it, so he kidnapped my wife, Gilda.”

8 or 9 Years Ago​

The door swung open, and the Joker looked up. “Aha, right on schedule, our young DA, Mr. Harvey Tent, er… Dent!” “Where is she Joker!?” Joker smiled, and a soft chuckle issued from his throat. “Right here!!!” He threw back a curtain, and there, trussed up, hanging from a rafter, was his lovely Gilda. She squirmed and screamed, because under her was a vat of acid, and on top of it, a bomb. “The casing should be eaten through in oh… a minute or so. And then, well… byebye.” Harvey charged forward, and grabbed the Joker. “YOU MURDERING SON OF A -----! YOU GET HER DOWN NOW!” Joker shook his head, and made clucking noises. “Now Harv, what fun would that be. You can either run, and save yourself like the Two-Faced Hypocrite you are, or make a vain attempt at saving her. Your choice.” He chortled somberly. Harvey threw him against the wall, and watched in disgust as the psychopath rushed off, cackling. He then turned to Gilda, and tears filled his eyes. “Gilda, I- goodbye. I’m sorry,” he managed to get out, finally. He turned, and sobbed, “I have to think of Duela.” With that, he ran. Too late, though. As he headed for the door, he heard a great boom, and turned. The cloud of fire and dust caught up with him as he presented his left side to it. With a scream, he was thrown against the wall, his right side buried in a pile of who-knows-what.

Present​

“When I awoke in the hospital, I found my side horribly scarred. My lucky coin was half destroyed too. It was then I realized the only true justice is blind chance. Lady Luck favors no one.” His driving was much calmer now, as he pulled onto their exit. He looked up, and the sun disappeared behind Wayne Tower. “The night is upon us. We’d better act quickly.”

 

[Blaztro]

Chapter 3

As Joker sat at his desk, heels kicked up on it, leaning back in his chair, laughing softly to the movie that was on, Harley sauntered over, batting her eyelashes. “Y’know, puddin’, it’s been a long time since you took your Harley out for a spin.” He looked over at her, and frowned. “First off, you shut your ***** mouth while Billy Mays is talking. Second, NEVER CALL ME ‘PUDDIN’!!!”

As he yelled this last one, he stood, and slammed his fist on the desk. Relaxing his shoulders, he gently held Harley’s chin. “And third, “ he said in a whisper, “Bruce Almighty or the Double *****e could arrive at any minute. I don’t know about you, but I don’t wanna be caught squirming around with you like bad oysters by either of them, considering I killed the two people they care about most in life. I’d much rather spend what might be my last moments doing something less embarrassing, such as this, “he said, gesturing to the TV. “But, pu- Mistah J, you’re watching that old TV show with Tim Allen," Harley said, quietly. The Clown Prince of Crime chewed on his lip for a moment, then shook Harley’s head. “No, I was watching Home Improvement. Right now, I’m missing something funny talking TO YOU!”

With that, he let go of her chin, and slapped her across the face. As she curled up, sobbing, holding her cheek, he threw back his head and let out a cold, spine-tingling cackle, the kind that sends attack dogs running for the hills. Harley managed to get out, “J- Joker, Why?” He shrugged, and fell back into his chair, massaging his forehead. “You were being annoying. To the umpteenth power. Now, who’s fault does that make this?” He leaned forward, and, placing his elbow on his knee, rested his chin on his fist. “M- mine, I guess.” “Goood. Now, be a dear, and go make sure Fatman hasn’t already arrive and knocked out all my henchpersons.” As she collected herself, and began to walk off, she turned, and said, “You know, boss, you’re a real sick man. If you weren’t so funny, I’d have left you 7 years ago.” But even as she said it, she knew it wasn’t true. She was obsessed with the man. Addicted to him. She’d tried to leave him, really tried, but she couldn’t get away from the high she felt near him, even if it did come with abuse, maltreatment, and jailtime.