Divorce/Splitting Up Advice Thread

[socool]

I don't know if this thread already exists, but if it does, I'm sorry.

For anyone who's dealt with this before, what's it like? I just learned that my folks are splitting up today. I live with my friends and I'm a freshman in college so it's not like it'll destroy my home life, but it feels... surreal. How does it affect you? I'm hoping it doesn't...I was just starting to understand school, haha.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

I'm truly sorry to hear that man, hope you are ok.

Speaking for myself, I hate it when you split up with someone and everyone around you is trying to match you up with someone else, you should be allowed to be on your own without that having to happen.
Give me some room, because I'm just not gonna believe it otherwise.
also, if my ex has decided to see someone else, I would want to see evidence before believing it. She has cried wolf so many times before i would be a fool to believe it now.

 

[socool]

I'm truly sorry to hear that man, hope you are ok.

Speaking for myself, I hate it when you split up with someone and everyone around you is trying to match you up with someone else, you should be allowed to be on your own without that having to happen.
Give me some room, because I'm just not gonna believe it otherwise.

I'm fine, thanks.

And yes, that's freaking annoying. I only experienced it once in high school after breaking up with my girlfriend. It was the only time in my life I wish I didn't have friends, haha.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

Take the day off school tomorrow, do something for yourself. Hell, take the week off.

 

[KalMart]

Every family is different...but all I can recommend now that you're an adult is to try and respect them more as people that have to make a decision for themselves, and certainly don't take fault with it. Give them your support for doing what's best to make them happier as individuals...goodness knows they've done that for you....and try not to judge or be angry. That's probably the best thing you can do for them.

As for yourself....there's going to be a lot of sadness, it's unavoidable. But again, it's a big part of growing up for many folks....and they are people with their own lives and needs. Whatever you do, don't let it affect your faith in relationships or marriage. Everyone is different. If anything, it should be further reenforcement to respect how difficult it is and not look at it as a 'failure' on their part....because chances are you're not a failure to them. Best of luck.

 

[El Payaso]

First of all, I'm sorry to hear, man.

I myself don't know much about the experience since my parents never got divorced and I have never been into a concept - marriage - that I simpy don't understand how so many people think it could possibly work.

I just can think of putting yourself in their shoes. I mean, they're people, they're entitled to make mistakes, feel tired, need a break, etc etc. And you should endorse that posture where your parents have the right to make that kind of decisions.

Just my opinion.

 

[socool]

Every family is different...but all I can recommend now that you're an adult is to try and respect them more as people that have to make a decision for themselves, and certainly don't take fault with it. Give them your support for doing what's best to make them happier as individuals...goodness knows they've done that for you....and try not to judge or be angry. That's probably the best thing you can do for them.

As for yourself....there's going to be a lot of sadness, it's unavoidable. But again, it's a big part of growing up for many folks....and they are people with their own lives and needs. Whatever you do, don't let it affect your faith in relationships or marriage. Everyone is different. If anything, it should be further reenforcement to respect how difficult it is and not look at it as a 'failure' on their part....because chances are you're not a failure to them. Best of luck.

Thanks man! And yeah, I'm not THAT upset. Actually, I don't even know if I am upset. It was just this really weird feeling like I couldn't believe it. I do respect their opinion, I mean, it's not exactly an easy thing to openly admit and I have kinda noticed a falling out the past couple of years (which probably explains the lack of surprise from me) so at least they tried to make it work. I guess I just never saw this coming is all.

First of all, I'm sorry to hear, man.

I myself don't know much about the experience since my parents never got divorced and I have never been into a concept - marriage - that I simpy don't understand how so many people think it could possibly work.

I just can think of putting yourself in their shoes. I mean, they're people, they're entitled to make mistakes, feel tired, need a break, etc etc. And you should endorse that posture where your parents have the right to make that kind of decisions.

Just my opinion.

I had the same mentality, man. You hear all these stories about people splitting up and you think "I must be lucky. That's never happened to me." and then it does and you're like "Well, crap." It's very weird.

Thanks for the condolences, too. Appreciate it.

 

[KalMart]

Thanks man! And yeah, I'm not THAT upset. Actually, I don't even know if I am upset. It was just this really weird feeling like I couldn't believe it. I do respect their opinion, I mean, it's not exactly an easy thing to openly admit and I have kinda noticed a falling out the past couple of years (which probably explains the lack of surprise from me) so at least they tried to make it work. I guess I just never saw this coming is all.

Good, well...hopefully it helps you understand that it's not a rash decision on their part, I guess. They'll feel better about it if they know that you'll be okay with it. Do you have any siblings?

 

[Wolfwood]

If your parents aren't the kind to make you "choose sides" then I hope things go smoothly for you and them or at least as smoothly as these kind of things can go. I don't have any really helpful tips as to how to deal with it, but I can tell you what I went through.

My parents split when I was about 7 and as I got older my mom and dad would confide in me their thoughts and feelings about the separation and how they felt. I was in high school when they started doing that and at the time I wish they hadn't cause it was like "I'm in High School, I got **** of my own to deal with!" As I got older though, it started to make sense as to why they would confide in me and it gave me insight as to how a marriage could just self-destruct like theirs did.

I guess the best thing I can say is to just try and keep talking, it's easy to just say **** it all and not have conversations anymore when a family breaks apart like that.

 

[socool]

Do you have any siblings?

A little brother who's a sophomore. I tried calling his cell phone but he didn't pick up. I'll try again later.

If your parents aren't the kind to make you "choose sides" then I hope things go smoothly for you and them or at least as smoothly as these kind of things can go. I don't have any really helpful tips as to how to deal with it, but I can tell you what I went through.

My parents split when I was about 7 and as I got older my mom and dad would confide in me their thoughts and feelings about the separation and how they felt. I was in high school when they started doing that and at the time I wish they hadn't cause it was like "I'm in High School, I got **** of my own to deal with!" As I got older though, it started to make sense as to why they would confide in me and it gave me insight as to how a marriage could just self-destruct like theirs did.

I guess the best thing I can say is to just try and keep talking, it's easy to just say **** it all and not have conversations anymore when a family breaks apart like that.

Well, it hasn't been a day yet, so I don't know if they'll make me pick sides. If they do, I'm gonna ignore them. It's stupid.

 

[KalMart]

If your parents aren't the kind to make you "choose sides" then I hope things go smoothly for you and them or at least as smoothly as these kind of things can go. I don't have any really helpful tips as to how to deal with it, but I can tell you what I went through.

My parents split when I was about 7 and as I got older my mom and dad would confide in me their thoughts and feelings about the separation and how they felt. I was in high school when they started doing that and at the time I wish they hadn't cause it was like "I'm in High School, I got **** of my own to deal with!" As I got older though, it started to make sense as to why they would confide in me and it gave me insight as to how a marriage could just self-destruct like theirs did.

I guess the best thing I can say is to just try and keep talking, it's easy to just say **** it all and not have conversations anymore when a family breaks apart like that.

That is a good point, in that at times you may need put the stop sign up and tell them to 'deal with their own' things....but again, make it clear it's also out of respect and not anger.

 

[Erzengel]

I get half Eddie.

 

[Anita18]

If your parents aren't the kind to make you "choose sides" then I hope things go smoothly for you and them or at least as smoothly as these kind of things can go. I don't have any really helpful tips as to how to deal with it, but I can tell you what I went through.

My parents split when I was about 7 and as I got older my mom and dad would confide in me their thoughts and feelings about the separation and how they felt. I was in high school when they started doing that and at the time I wish they hadn't cause it was like "I'm in High School, I got **** of my own to deal with!" As I got older though, it started to make sense as to why they would confide in me and it gave me insight as to how a marriage could just self-destruct like theirs did.

I guess the best thing I can say is to just try and keep talking, it's easy to just say **** it all and not have conversations anymore when a family breaks apart like that.

Yeah, at the very least, they didn't make you choose sides! I have a relative who's going through a very ugly custody battle with her kids. It's to the point where her own daughter won't speak to her anymore. She won't even be in the same room with her mom. It's ugly.

But that certainly doesn't have to be the result of every divorce. My bf's parents divorced when he was about 5 I think. Very young. But although he switched between households growing up and dealt with a little awkwardness when his mom was dating around, he doesn't hold bitterness about any of that at all. They didn't make him choose sides. In fact, everyone still gets together for Thanksgiving and Christmas and helps out with the elders.

You're certainly old enough to have a say - if you feel your parents are using you as a ping pong ball in the divorce, put a kibosh to it right away. I've never seen that stuff end well. I emphasized that to my coworker who's going through a divorce right now, and aside from the initial freaking out, they've talked it through like adults and are adamant on staying friends for their kids.

As for my own breakups, I've had one of my own and although it was painful at the time, it was absolutely the right choice. We just weren't right for each other in the end, and it took us a long time to figure it out. We're happy in our current respective relationships now.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

I don't know if this thread already exists, but if it does, I'm sorry.

For anyone who's dealt with this before, what's it like? I just learned that my folks are splitting up today. I live with my friends and I'm a freshman in college so it's not like it'll destroy my home life, but it feels... surreal. How does it affect you? I'm hoping it doesn't...I was just starting to understand school, haha.

I suggest detachment, in your situation.

Now if you were going through a divorce, I say get a Lawyer. I know because I have been down this road myself. I came out of it with, well everything, and she got, well nothing. So it was a win win situation.

For some reason she is so bitter these days, still angry at me for some reason I guess.

 

[Anita18]

Now if you were going through a divorce, I say get a Lawyer. I know because I have been down this road myself. I came out of it with, well everything, and she got, well nothing. So it was a win win situation.

You can get a divorce without one?

My boss's gf was married and ended it completely amicably and in total agreement. If they could have had the divorce as a clean break without $$$$ lawyers, that would have been much preferred!

But obviously if the other party gets a lawyer, you absolutely need one too. My coworker had to do things like clean out her savings (even her kids' joint accounts, anything with her name on it) so it wouldn't be considered in the alimony. And when he filed for sole custody of the two kids she'd been raising mostly by herself all their lives, well.... You need a lawyer for that stuff. This was before they decided to cut out the bratty behavior and be civil. But if you want to take all you can get, you're going to need a lawyer.

For some reason she is so bitter these days, still angry at me for some reason I guess.

Don't be coy Mike, you took her for all she was worth and it felt AWESOME. Admit it.

 

[Quasimod0]

I'm sorry to hear that bro. I'll be prayin for ya