Following up on the unexpected popularity of Five-Minute Spider-Man 3, here's my take on the upcoming Fantastic Four. Remember... it's all in fun. FOX: Don't worry, fanboys, we intend to stay very close to the comics. DOOM: Sue, honey-bun, how are my stocks doing? ****! My hand! Organic metal! AUDIENCE: What the hell is this? * REED: Mr. Doom, I want to go into space. We'll be taking my best friend, my ex, my ex's current boyfriend (that'd be you), and my ex's brother. DOOM: Nepotism much? * JOHNNY: I hate you! BEN: I hate you more! DOOM: Reed, you've assembled a crack team. * DOOM: Well, here we are, in space. BEN: "Wadda revolting development." MICHAEL CHIKLIS: I say that because I am a big fan of the comics and that's one of the catchphrases of the character I'm playing, the Thing, who I am a big fan of. * REED: Hey, Sue... how do you like it in space? SUE: Oh, I like it anywhere. JESSICA ALBA: I say that because I am a Tough Chick Who Is In Touch With Her Own Sexuality And Not Afraid To Dish It Out. Girl power! REED: Umm... okay. Well, if there's anything I can do... SUE: Can you help me zip my spacesuit up? * JOHNNY: Damn, space be wack! CHRIS EVANS: I say that because as the youngest member of the team, I'm the hip one. Hip-hop is hip, hence I use hip-hop catch phrases. Everyone got that? Good. I mean, "cool". * REED: The molecular density of space is amazing! IOAN GRUFFUDD: I say that because I'm the smart one of the group. Beyond that, I have no real personality. (long pause) Even I don't know how to spell my name. Ioan Gruffudd. What is that, I ask you? Who names their son Ioan? Have you ever heard your wife, in a tender moment of passion, stumble over the words "I love you Ioan"? No, you all have normal names, like John or Ted or Bill. But please, allow to express my feelings in the form of a song... My daddy left home when I was three And he didn't leave much to Ma and me Just this old guitar and an empty bottle of booze. Now, I don't blame him cause he run and hid But the meanest thing that he ever did Was before he left, he went and named me 'Ioan.' * DOOM: Man, space is enough to drive one... to evil! JULIAN MCMAHON: That's foreshadowing. Because I'm going to be evil. As if my name being "Doom" wasn't a big enough clue. Now if I may get back to my hobby, screaming at God "WHY CAN'T YOU BE THIS GREAT!?" * COSMIC RAYS: 'Sup? REED: AHHHHHHHHH! SUE: AHHHHHHHH! DOOM: AHHHHH! JOHNNY: AHHHHHHHHH! BEN: AHHHHHHH-thisisfaithfultothecomics-HHHHHHHHH! * REED: We've all gained... superpowers! DOOM: Umm... except me. (looks around shiftily) SUE: I can turn invisible! (beat) If only I had this power when Wesley Snipes said he wouldn't go out with me. JOHNNY: I can burst into fla-OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, SOMEBODY PUT ME OUT, OH GOD!!! REED: It doesn't hurt you, dumbass... I mean, dunce. I say that because I'm the smart one and use big words like that. BEN: I'm a huge, ugly rock monster... I kinda got the short end of the stick on this one. What about you, old friend? REED: I can stretch any part of my body, including my... SUE: He's the leader. * REED: We'll have to pick out names for ourselves. SUE: I'll be the Invisible Girl... I mean INVISIBLE WOMYN! WOMYN, YOU HEAR ME! I'M JUST AS GOOD AS ANY MAN! JOHNNY: Dibs on the Human Torch! REED: Since I'm so fantastic, I'll be Mr. Fantastic. BEN: "I ain't Ben anymore--I'm what Susan called me--the Thing!!" (that's from the comics! Squee!) DOOM: And I'll be... Ninja Gold! REED: You don't have powers. You don't get a super-name. DOOM: You're gonna learn about loss... * REED: So, what should we do during all this filler between now and when Doom becomes evil? SUE: I don't know... burgeoning romance? REED: But Sue, you were never interested in me before? What changed? SUE: Let's just say I like the way you can stretch... your imagination. REED: Damn, you ARE in charge of your own sexuality! * NINTY INTERMINABLE MINUTES LATER... DOOM: Evil now! AUDIENCE: FINALLY! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! BEN: "It's clobbering time!" (also from the comics... what it is, fanboys?) DOOM: Bah-zap! BEN: Wait, where'd you get superpowers!? ELECTRO: I'm so lonely... * REED: What do they call you, you Lattie piece of trash? DOOM: They call me DOCTOR Doom! * SUE: You always did think you were God. DOOM: No I didn't! SUE: Yes you did. DOOM: No, I didn't. SUE: You're wearing a shirt that says "I am God" right now. DOOM: It's meant ironically! * JOHNNY: Flame on! BEN: It's clobbering time! REED: Today is a good day to stretch! SUE: See this, this right here? THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE CATCHPHRASES! * DOOM: You may think you've won, but I'll be back... Fantastic FOOLS! BEN: We won! "Wadda revolting development." "Aunt Petunia." "The ever-lovin' blue-eyed Thing." Am I leaving anything out? JOHNNY: I guess the only thing left to do is wrap up the subplots. Friends? BEN: Friends. JOHNNY: Wait a minute, wasn't there a romantic subplot too? * SUE: Ride me, Reed. Ride me like Seabiscuit.