• Secure your account

    A friendly reminder to our users, please make sure your account is safe. Make sure you update your password and have an active email address to recover or change your password.

  • Xenforo Cloud has scheduled an upgrade to XenForo version 2.2.16. This will take place on or shortly after the following date and time: Jul 05, 2024 at 05:00 PM (PT) There shouldn't be any downtime, as it's just a maintenance release. More info here

Five-Minute Fantastic Four

Zev

Superhero
Joined
Oct 21, 2003
Messages
7,337
Reaction score
0
Points
31
Following up on the unexpected popularity of Five-Minute Spider-Man 3, here's my take on the upcoming Fantastic Four. Remember... it's all in fun.


FOX: Don't worry, fanboys, we intend to stay very close to the comics.

DOOM: Sue, honey-bun, how are my stocks doing? ****! My hand! Organic metal!

AUDIENCE: What the hell is this?

*

REED: Mr. Doom, I want to go into space. We'll be taking my best friend, my ex, my ex's current boyfriend (that'd be you), and my ex's brother.

DOOM: Nepotism much?

*

JOHNNY: I hate you!

BEN: I hate you more!

DOOM: Reed, you've assembled a crack team.

*

DOOM: Well, here we are, in space.

BEN: "Wadda revolting development."

MICHAEL CHIKLIS: I say that because I am a big fan of the comics and that's one of the catchphrases of the character I'm playing, the Thing, who I am a big fan of.

*

REED: Hey, Sue... how do you like it in space?

SUE: Oh, I like it anywhere.

JESSICA ALBA: I say that because I am a Tough Chick Who Is In Touch With Her Own Sexuality And Not Afraid To Dish It Out. Girl power!

REED: Umm... okay. Well, if there's anything I can do...

SUE: Can you help me zip my spacesuit up?

*

JOHNNY: Damn, space be wack!

CHRIS EVANS: I say that because as the youngest member of the team, I'm the hip one. Hip-hop is hip, hence I use hip-hop catch phrases. Everyone got that? Good. I mean, "cool".

*

REED: The molecular density of space is amazing!

IOAN GRUFFUDD: I say that because I'm the smart one of the group. Beyond that, I have no real personality. (long pause) Even I don't know how to spell my name. Ioan Gruffudd. What is that, I ask you? Who names their son Ioan? Have you ever heard your wife, in a tender moment of passion, stumble over the words "I love you Ioan"? No, you all have normal names, like John or Ted or Bill. But please, allow to express my feelings in the form of a song...

My daddy left home when I was three
And he didn't leave much to Ma and me
Just this old guitar and an empty bottle of booze.
Now, I don't blame him cause he run and hid
But the meanest thing that he ever did
Was before he left, he went and named me 'Ioan.'

*

DOOM: Man, space is enough to drive one... to evil!

JULIAN MCMAHON: That's foreshadowing. Because I'm going to be evil. As if my name being "Doom" wasn't a big enough clue. Now if I may get back to my hobby, screaming at God "WHY CAN'T YOU BE THIS GREAT!?"

*

COSMIC RAYS: 'Sup?

REED: AHHHHHHHHH!

SUE: AHHHHHHHH!

DOOM: AHHHHH!

JOHNNY: AHHHHHHHHH!

BEN: AHHHHHHH-thisisfaithfultothecomics-HHHHHHHHH!

*

REED: We've all gained... superpowers!

DOOM: Umm... except me. (looks around shiftily)

SUE: I can turn invisible! (beat) If only I had this power when Wesley Snipes said he wouldn't go out with me.

JOHNNY: I can burst into fla-OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, SOMEBODY PUT ME OUT, OH GOD!!!

REED: It doesn't hurt you, dumbass... I mean, dunce. I say that because I'm the smart one and use big words like that.

BEN: I'm a huge, ugly rock monster... I kinda got the short end of the stick on this one. What about you, old friend?

REED: I can stretch any part of my body, including my...

SUE: He's the leader.

*

REED: We'll have to pick out names for ourselves.

SUE: I'll be the Invisible Girl... I mean INVISIBLE WOMYN! WOMYN, YOU HEAR ME! I'M JUST AS GOOD AS ANY MAN!

JOHNNY: Dibs on the Human Torch!

REED: Since I'm so fantastic, I'll be Mr. Fantastic.

BEN: "I ain't Ben anymore--I'm what Susan called me--the Thing!!" (that's from the comics! Squee!)

DOOM: And I'll be... Ninja Gold!

REED: You don't have powers. You don't get a super-name.

DOOM: You're gonna learn about loss...

*

REED: So, what should we do during all this filler between now and when Doom becomes evil?

SUE: I don't know... burgeoning romance?

REED: But Sue, you were never interested in me before? What changed?

SUE: Let's just say I like the way you can stretch... your imagination.

REED: Damn, you ARE in charge of your own sexuality!

*

NINTY INTERMINABLE MINUTES LATER...

DOOM: Evil now!

AUDIENCE: FINALLY! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

BEN: "It's clobbering time!" (also from the comics... what it is, fanboys?)

DOOM: Bah-zap!

BEN: Wait, where'd you get superpowers!?

ELECTRO: I'm so lonely...

*

REED: What do they call you, you Lattie piece of trash?

DOOM: They call me DOCTOR Doom!

*

SUE: You always did think you were God.

DOOM: No I didn't!

SUE: Yes you did.

DOOM: No, I didn't.

SUE: You're wearing a shirt that says "I am God" right now.

DOOM: It's meant ironically!

*

JOHNNY: Flame on!

BEN: It's clobbering time!

REED: Today is a good day to stretch!

SUE: See this, this right here? THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE CATCHPHRASES!

*

DOOM: You may think you've won, but I'll be back... Fantastic FOOLS!

BEN: We won! "Wadda revolting development." "Aunt Petunia." "The ever-lovin' blue-eyed Thing." Am I leaving anything out?

JOHNNY: I guess the only thing left to do is wrap up the subplots. Friends?

BEN: Friends.

JOHNNY: Wait a minute, wasn't there a romantic subplot too?

*

SUE: Ride me, Reed. Ride me like Seabiscuit.
 
that's awesome. awesome to the max. (can i be hip too?)
 
Zev said:
Following up on the unexpected popularity of Five-Minute Spider-Man 3, here's my take on the upcoming Fantastic Four. Remember... it's all in fun.


FOX: Don't worry, fanboys, we intend to stay very close to the comics.

DOOM: Sue, honey-bun, how are my stocks doing? ****! My hand! Organic metal!

AUDIENCE: What the hell is this?

*

REED: Mr. Doom, I want to go into space. We'll be taking my best friend, my ex, my ex's current boyfriend (that'd be you), and my ex's brother.

DOOM: Nepotism much?

*

JOHNNY: I hate you!

BEN: I hate you more!

DOOM: Reed, you've assembled a crack team.

*

DOOM: Well, here we are, in space.

BEN: "Wadda revolting development."

MICHAEL CHIKLIS: I say that because I am a big fan of the comics and that's one of the catchphrases of the character I'm playing, the Thing, who I am a big fan of.

*

REED: Hey, Sue... how do you like it in space?

SUE: Oh, I like it anywhere.

JESSICA ALBA: I say that because I am a Tough Chick Who Is In Touch With Her Own Sexuality And Not Afraid To Dish It Out. Girl power!

REED: Umm... okay. Well, if there's anything I can do...

SUE: Can you help me zip my spacesuit up?

*

JOHNNY: Damn, space be wack!

CHRIS EVANS: I say that because as the youngest member of the team, I'm the hip one. Hip-hop is hip, hence I use hip-hop catch phrases. Everyone got that? Good. I mean, "cool".

*

REED: The molecular density of space is amazing!

IOAN GRUFFUDD: I say that because I'm the smart one of the group. Beyond that, I have no real personality. (long pause) Even I don't know how to spell my name. Ioan Gruffudd. What is that, I ask you? Who names their son Ioan? Have you ever heard your wife, in a tender moment of passion, stumble over the words "I love you Ioan"? No, you all have normal names, like John or Ted or Bill. But please, allow to express my feelings in the form of a song...

My daddy left home when I was three
And he didn't leave much to Ma and me
Just this old guitar and an empty bottle of booze.
Now, I don't blame him cause he run and hid
But the meanest thing that he ever did
Was before he left, he went and named me 'Ioan.'

*

DOOM: Man, space is enough to drive one... to evil!

JULIAN MCMAHON: That's foreshadowing. Because I'm going to be evil. As if my name being "Doom" wasn't a big enough clue. Now if I may get back to my hobby, screaming at God "WHY CAN'T YOU BE THIS GREAT!?"

*

COSMIC RAYS: 'Sup?

REED: AHHHHHHHHH!

SUE: AHHHHHHHH!

DOOM: AHHHHH!

JOHNNY: AHHHHHHHHH!

BEN: AHHHHHHH-thisisfaithfultothecomics-HHHHHHHHH!

*

REED: We've all gained... superpowers!

DOOM: Umm... except me. (looks around shiftily)

SUE: I can turn invisible! (beat) If only I had this power when Wesley Snipes said he wouldn't go out with me.

JOHNNY: I can burst into fla-OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, SOMEBODY PUT ME OUT, OH GOD!!!

REED: It doesn't hurt you, dumbass... I mean, dunce. I say that because I'm the smart one and use big words like that.

BEN: I'm a huge, ugly rock monster... I kinda got the short end of the stick on this one. What about you, old friend?

REED: I can stretch any part of my body, including my...

SUE: He's the leader.

*

REED: We'll have to pick out names for ourselves.

SUE: I'll be the Invisible Girl... I mean INVISIBLE WOMYN! WOMYN, YOU HEAR ME! I'M JUST AS GOOD AS ANY MAN!

JOHNNY: Dibs on the Human Torch!

REED: Since I'm so fantastic, I'll be Mr. Fantastic.

BEN: "I ain't Ben anymore--I'm what Susan called me--the Thing!!" (that's from the comics! Squee!)

DOOM: And I'll be... Ninja Gold!

REED: You don't have powers. You don't get a super-name.

DOOM: You're gonna learn about loss...

*

REED: So, what should we do during all this filler between now and when Doom becomes evil?

SUE: I don't know... burgeoning romance?

REED: But Sue, you were never interested in me before? What changed?

SUE: Let's just say I like the way you can stretch... your imagination.

REED: Damn, you ARE in charge of your own sexuality!

*

NINTY INTERMINABLE MINUTES LATER...

DOOM: Evil now!

AUDIENCE: FINALLY! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

BEN: "It's clobbering time!" (also from the comics... what it is, fanboys?)

DOOM: Bah-zap!

BEN: Wait, where'd you get superpowers!?

ELECTRO: I'm so lonely...

*

REED: What do they call you, you Lattie piece of trash?

DOOM: They call me DOCTOR Doom!

*

SUE: You always did think you were God.

DOOM: No I didn't!

SUE: Yes you did.

DOOM: No, I didn't.

SUE: You're wearing a shirt that says "I am God" right now.

DOOM: It's meant ironically!

*

JOHNNY: Flame on!

BEN: It's clobbering time!

REED: Today is a good day to stretch!

SUE: See this, this right here? THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE CATCHPHRASES!

*

DOOM: You may think you've won, but I'll be back... Fantastic FOOLS!

BEN: We won! "Wadda revolting development." "Aunt Petunia." "The ever-lovin' blue-eyed Thing." Am I leaving anything out?

JOHNNY: I guess the only thing left to do is wrap up the subplots. Friends?

BEN: Friends.

JOHNNY: Wait a minute, wasn't there a romantic subplot too?

*

SUE: Ride me, Reed. Ride me like Seabiscuit.
Nope, I counted 3:24. You still need 1:36 worth of more material :o
 
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!

*wipes tears from eyes*

Zev, you haven't an ounce of damn sense. :D:up:
 
You need to do 5-minute Superman Returns.
 
Alright, here ya go...

SUPERMAN: Hey, I'm back.

LOIS: Did you get milk?

SUPERMAN: ****.

2008... Superman Returns... Again!
 
That's pretty damn funny, though about the name Ioan...it's a Welsh name, and he's Welsh, so it makes sense. It's not like he's an Asian names Ioan. That would be strange, but that section of it is still funny.
 
SUE: Ride me, Reed. Ride me like Seabiscuit.

True, I was enjoying this post to an insane degree until I came to the end, but when I came to the last line, I nearly suffered a fatal collapse. Thanks for that! Well, I'm off to the ICU.

Oh, and the Welsh like to pretend "Ioan" is a Welsh name because it looks so danged funny like all of their other words, but it's really pure, unadulterated Latin.

Mrs. F.
 
Damn I was supposed to have timed that?......goes back to the beginning....wheres the f****n stop watch!
 
YOU.ARE.GOD!!!!!! (it says so on your t-shirt! jk geddit? LOL)

thanx 4 that laugh Zev u rock.
 
*lies*
mildly ammusing,
*continues lying*
i really hated that,
*begins to end lie*
you suck, Zev!
*ends lie*
 
LOLOL Zev you need Doom's shirt. ;)
 
Thank you all. It's weird, because on this other board my humor sinks like a stone. I mean, I get NO-THING. Ah well...

By the way, everyone check out Web of Spider-Man. Same humor, awesomer story. And Electro's in it.
 
I usually can't stand it when people write little scenarios on message boards trying to be funny,but that actually made me laugh.It was very Mad magazine,when they do a movie parody and on the first splash page all the stars look at the reader and go "I'm ______.I'm here to ________ .",you know?

:up:
 
All I know about Ghost Rider is...

MICHAEL STEVE JOHNSON: Hi, I directed Daredevil. I suck.
 

Users who are viewing this thread

Back
Top
monitoring_string = "afb8e5d7348ab9e99f73cba908f10802"