Five-Minute Fantastic Four

Discussion in 'Marvel Films' started by Zev, Apr 21, 2005.

  1. Zev

    Zev Registered

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    Following up on the unexpected popularity of Five-Minute Spider-Man 3, here's my take on the upcoming Fantastic Four. Remember... it's all in fun.


    FOX: Don't worry, fanboys, we intend to stay very close to the comics.

    DOOM: Sue, honey-bun, how are my stocks doing? ****! My hand! Organic metal!

    AUDIENCE: What the hell is this?

    *

    REED: Mr. Doom, I want to go into space. We'll be taking my best friend, my ex, my ex's current boyfriend (that'd be you), and my ex's brother.

    DOOM: Nepotism much?

    *

    JOHNNY: I hate you!

    BEN: I hate you more!

    DOOM: Reed, you've assembled a crack team.

    *

    DOOM: Well, here we are, in space.

    BEN: "Wadda revolting development."

    MICHAEL CHIKLIS: I say that because I am a big fan of the comics and that's one of the catchphrases of the character I'm playing, the Thing, who I am a big fan of.

    *

    REED: Hey, Sue... how do you like it in space?

    SUE: Oh, I like it anywhere.

    JESSICA ALBA: I say that because I am a Tough Chick Who Is In Touch With Her Own Sexuality And Not Afraid To Dish It Out. Girl power!

    REED: Umm... okay. Well, if there's anything I can do...

    SUE: Can you help me zip my spacesuit up?

    *

    JOHNNY: Damn, space be wack!

    CHRIS EVANS: I say that because as the youngest member of the team, I'm the hip one. Hip-hop is hip, hence I use hip-hop catch phrases. Everyone got that? Good. I mean, "cool".

    *

    REED: The molecular density of space is amazing!

    IOAN GRUFFUDD: I say that because I'm the smart one of the group. Beyond that, I have no real personality. (long pause) Even I don't know how to spell my name. Ioan Gruffudd. What is that, I ask you? Who names their son Ioan? Have you ever heard your wife, in a tender moment of passion, stumble over the words "I love you Ioan"? No, you all have normal names, like John or Ted or Bill. But please, allow to express my feelings in the form of a song...

    My daddy left home when I was three
    And he didn't leave much to Ma and me
    Just this old guitar and an empty bottle of booze.
    Now, I don't blame him cause he run and hid
    But the meanest thing that he ever did
    Was before he left, he went and named me 'Ioan.'

    *

    DOOM: Man, space is enough to drive one... to evil!

    JULIAN MCMAHON: That's foreshadowing. Because I'm going to be evil. As if my name being "Doom" wasn't a big enough clue. Now if I may get back to my hobby, screaming at God "WHY CAN'T YOU BE THIS GREAT!?"

    *

    COSMIC RAYS: 'Sup?

    REED: AHHHHHHHHH!

    SUE: AHHHHHHHH!

    DOOM: AHHHHH!

    JOHNNY: AHHHHHHHHH!

    BEN: AHHHHHHH-thisisfaithfultothecomics-HHHHHHHHH!

    *

    REED: We've all gained... superpowers!

    DOOM: Umm... except me. (looks around shiftily)

    SUE: I can turn invisible! (beat) If only I had this power when Wesley Snipes said he wouldn't go out with me.

    JOHNNY: I can burst into fla-OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, SOMEBODY PUT ME OUT, OH GOD!!!

    REED: It doesn't hurt you, dumbass... I mean, dunce. I say that because I'm the smart one and use big words like that.

    BEN: I'm a huge, ugly rock monster... I kinda got the short end of the stick on this one. What about you, old friend?

    REED: I can stretch any part of my body, including my...

    SUE: He's the leader.

    *

    REED: We'll have to pick out names for ourselves.

    SUE: I'll be the Invisible Girl... I mean INVISIBLE WOMYN! WOMYN, YOU HEAR ME! I'M JUST AS GOOD AS ANY MAN!

    JOHNNY: Dibs on the Human Torch!

    REED: Since I'm so fantastic, I'll be Mr. Fantastic.

    BEN: "I ain't Ben anymore--I'm what Susan called me--the Thing!!" (that's from the comics! Squee!)

    DOOM: And I'll be... Ninja Gold!

    REED: You don't have powers. You don't get a super-name.

    DOOM: You're gonna learn about loss...

    *

    REED: So, what should we do during all this filler between now and when Doom becomes evil?

    SUE: I don't know... burgeoning romance?

    REED: But Sue, you were never interested in me before? What changed?

    SUE: Let's just say I like the way you can stretch... your imagination.

    REED: Damn, you ARE in charge of your own sexuality!

    *

    NINTY INTERMINABLE MINUTES LATER...

    DOOM: Evil now!

    AUDIENCE: FINALLY! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

    BEN: "It's clobbering time!" (also from the comics... what it is, fanboys?)

    DOOM: Bah-zap!

    BEN: Wait, where'd you get superpowers!?

    ELECTRO: I'm so lonely...

    *

    REED: What do they call you, you Lattie piece of trash?

    DOOM: They call me DOCTOR Doom!

    *

    SUE: You always did think you were God.

    DOOM: No I didn't!

    SUE: Yes you did.

    DOOM: No, I didn't.

    SUE: You're wearing a shirt that says "I am God" right now.

    DOOM: It's meant ironically!

    *

    JOHNNY: Flame on!

    BEN: It's clobbering time!

    REED: Today is a good day to stretch!

    SUE: See this, this right here? THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE CATCHPHRASES!

    *

    DOOM: You may think you've won, but I'll be back... Fantastic FOOLS!

    BEN: We won! "Wadda revolting development." "Aunt Petunia." "The ever-lovin' blue-eyed Thing." Am I leaving anything out?

    JOHNNY: I guess the only thing left to do is wrap up the subplots. Friends?

    BEN: Friends.

    JOHNNY: Wait a minute, wasn't there a romantic subplot too?

    *

    SUE: Ride me, Reed. Ride me like Seabiscuit.
     
  2. pdb781

    pdb781 Funk, yeah...

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    that's awesome. awesome to the max. (can i be hip too?)
     
  3. Head>On<Collider

    Head>On<Collider Registered

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    Nope, I counted 3:24. You still need 1:36 worth of more material :o
     
  4. Lightning Strykez!

    Lightning Strykez! Former Mod On Pension Pay

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    ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!

    *wipes tears from eyes*

    Zev, you haven't an ounce of damn sense. :D:up:
     
  5. Saint

    Saint The Devil's Robot

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    You need to do 5-minute Superman Returns.
     
  6. Zev

    Zev Registered

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    Alright, here ya go...

    SUPERMAN: Hey, I'm back.

    LOIS: Did you get milk?

    SUPERMAN: ****.

    2008... Superman Returns... Again!
     
  7. KingOfDreams

    KingOfDreams Registered

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    That's pretty damn funny, though about the name Ioan...it's a Welsh name, and he's Welsh, so it makes sense. It's not like he's an Asian names Ioan. That would be strange, but that section of it is still funny.
     
  8. Lightning Strykez!

    Lightning Strykez! Former Mod On Pension Pay

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    I liked the Cosmic Storm lines: "Sup?"

    :D
     
  9. Mrs. Fantastic

    Mrs. Fantastic Registered

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    SUE: Ride me, Reed. Ride me like Seabiscuit.

    True, I was enjoying this post to an insane degree until I came to the end, but when I came to the last line, I nearly suffered a fatal collapse. Thanks for that! Well, I'm off to the ICU.

    Oh, and the Welsh like to pretend "Ioan" is a Welsh name because it looks so danged funny like all of their other words, but it's really pure, unadulterated Latin.

    Mrs. F.
     
  10. Kelly

    Kelly #RESIST

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    Damn I was supposed to have timed that?......goes back to the beginning....wheres the f****n stop watch!
     
  11. Nancy-Twin

    Nancy-Twin Registered

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    YOU.ARE.GOD!!!!!! (it says so on your t-shirt! jk geddit? LOL)

    thanx 4 that laugh Zev u rock.
     
  12. psycho

    psycho Registered

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    One word: Hilarious.
     
  13. Lord Valumart

    Lord Valumart Hype's Dr - It's Canon

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    *lies*
    mildly ammusing,
    *continues lying*
    i really hated that,
    *begins to end lie*
    you suck, Zev!
    *ends lie*
     
  14. homestarrunner

    homestarrunner Registered

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    lo! that was a good laugh.. hehe
     
  15. shinlyle

    shinlyle King of the Haters

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    LMAO!!Nice one, Zev.
     
  16. b0bb33z3r

    b0bb33z3r The day... the music died

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    LOLOL Zev you need Doom's shirt. ;)
     
  17. Celestio

    Celestio Registered

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    LOL! Great. :D
     
  18. Zev

    Zev Registered

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    Thank you all. It's weird, because on this other board my humor sinks like a stone. I mean, I get NO-THING. Ah well...

    By the way, everyone check out Web of Spider-Man. Same humor, awesomer story. And Electro's in it.
     
  19. Wilhelm-Scream

    Wilhelm-Scream Registered

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    I usually can't stand it when people write little scenarios on message boards trying to be funny,but that actually made me laugh.It was very Mad magazine,when they do a movie parody and on the first splash page all the stars look at the reader and go "I'm ______.I'm here to ________ .",you know?

    :up:
     
  20. Fantastic-Boy

    Fantastic-Boy Registered

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    And make a Ghost Rider too!
     
  21. Zev

    Zev Registered

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    All I know about Ghost Rider is...

    MICHAEL STEVE JOHNSON: Hi, I directed Daredevil. I suck.
     
  22. VICTORVONDOOMX

    VICTORVONDOOMX Never tell me the odds!

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  23. Kmack

    Kmack Cheers!

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    LMAO:D you rock so hard Zev :joker: :up:
     
  24. Kung Fu master

    Kung Fu master Marvelous Joe

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    bump for greatness
     
  25. ElectroFlare

    ElectroFlare Mightiest Mortal

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    Oooh! Oooh! Do a Hulk 2!
     

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