Five-Minute Fantastic Four 2


Oct 21, 2003
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Part the second of Five-Minute Fantastic Four. I am also an avid fan of Batman Beyond. Grizzled!Bruce, hooah!

Avi Arad: So, Tim, how's it feel to launch a new Marvel franchise?

Tim Story: Pretty good. Everyone said I couldn't do it, after I screwed the pooch with Taxi, but I guess I showed them!

Avi Arad: Yes, you made a film that can stand proudly alongside greats like Spider-Man and X-Men.

Tim Story: Thanks, man.

Avi Arad: Now you're going to have to make a sequel that improves on the original, like Spider-Man 2 and X2: X-Men United.

Tim Story: ...crap.


Reed: How do you do, Mrs. Richards?

Sue: Just fine, Mr. Richards.

Tim Story: Wait a minute, wait a minute, stop, hold everything! There's no drama in married couples!

Reed: Yes, there is. There's a lot of drama!

Tim Story: P-shaw. Take two! And... rolling!

Reed: Well, two days until our wedding, honeybun.

Sue: Yes. And never call me honeybun again unless you want to be crushed by invisible boulders.

Reed: Oh, right, I forgot... You're a...

Sue and Reed: Tough Chick Who Is In Touch With Her Own Sexuality And Not Afraid To Dish It Out.

Sue: Anyway, this would be a good change for an opening action scene of us dealing with some threat, perhaps in the Negative Zone...

Tim Story: Sorry, we don't have the budget for that. Think smaller.

Sue: Right, maybe one of the Mole Man's monsters...

Tim Story: Smaller.

Reed: Ummm... one of my experiments could get out of hand...

Tim Story: Keep going.

Reed: With sexy results!

Tim Story: I like the cut of your gib! Say, where's Reed and Thing?


Ben: So we, the INTERESTING characters, are shuffled aside while the leads go through their insipid romance.

Doc Ock: GOD, I know exactly what you mean.

Chloe: And the worst part is when they shove it in your face. I was prom queen, yet LANA, who's involved with another man, gets to dance with Clark? What is that?

Lex: Yeah, that Clark is such a hussy.

All: ...

Lex: What? What'd I say?

Johnny: Can I lick your head for good luck?

Lex: No! Well, alright, maybe once...


Reed: Hmmm... drama, drama.

Sue: Thought of a subplot yet?

Reed: Damnit, Sue, I'm a doctor, not a screenwriter!

Sue: Hey, don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys. Maybe we can try later. Here, let me get you a drink.

Reed: Sue, it's just writer's block.

Sue: Well, I called the Parkers and they gave us something which might help.

Reed: "Lord of the G-Strings"?

Sue: No, that's for me.

Reed: Right, right, In Touch With Her Own Sexuality, I keep forgetting.

Sue gets up and walks to a previously-unseen cycle, which she spins. It lands at "Fear of Infidelity."

Reed: Wait a minute, infidelity? Since we're about to get married, wouldn't that make one of us look really scummy?

Sue: You're right. I'd better do it. After all, when a man cheats on his wife, it's monstrously evil, like in Fatal Attraction, but when a woman cheats on her husband, it's because she's in love and escaping a passionless relationship, like in Unfaithful... or The English Patient... or Bridges of Madison County... or...

Reed: Right, so who're you gonna cheat on me with?

Sue: ALMOST cheat on you with.

Reed: Whatever.

Sue: Well, I was thinking... Namor.

Namor: 'Sup?

Reed: NAMOR? He's a rude, domineering, arrogant, bully, whereas I am an intelligent, sensitive, charming man. Why him?

Sue: He looks really good in a speedo.

Namor: Fear the Bulge.

Sue: Almost ride me, Namor! Almost ride me like Seabiscuit!


Avi Arad: Wait a minute, Tim, you can't use Namor.

Tim Story: What? Why not?

Avi Arad: He's at another studio.

Tim Story: Alright... I'll use the Silver Surfer!

Avi Arad: Who?

Tim Story: He makes points about philosophy... while SURFING!


Silver Surfer: Kant would say that these waves are totally gnarly, but Marx would say that these babes are awesomely bodacious!


Avi Arad: Yeah, yeah, whatever. So long as it makes money.

Tim Story: You mean, "so long as it's faithful to the comics," right?

Avi Arad: That's what I said.


Ben: Right, time for my own subplot.

Ben gets up and walks to a previously-unseen cycle, which he spins. It lands at "Fear of Infidelity."

Ben: Man, is there any other relationship crisis in this thing?

Alicia: Well, I'm a black woman in a mainstream Hollywood movie. I can do no wrong.

Ben: So I'll just be a dick and assume you're cheating on me?

Alicia: Yeah, pretty much.

Ben: How DOES our relationship work, anyway? I mean, there's no WAY I could make love to you without causing you serious injury? Do I call in a ringer or...

Johnny: Hey, Alicia, I brought the K-Y Jel... well, this is interesting.


Johnny: Now I'm... trapped in the closet, yes I'm trapped in the closet...


Reed: Silver Surfer, you must not allow Galactus to eat our world.

Silver Surfer: Sorry, dude, but eating planets is totally rad!


Avi Arad: Sorry, Tim, you can't use Silver Surfer.

Tim Story: What, he's at another studio too?

Avi Arad: You could say that...


Annoucer: Point Break 2: This Time, It's Personal!

Keanu Reeves: I! Am a S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent!

Silver Surfer: There are weird happenings at the Circle-K...


Reed: Okay, we can't use Namor, we can't use Silver Surfer... who can we use?

Dr. Doom: I'm back! This time I will totally crush you, blah blah blah...

Sue: Oh no, Dr. Doom! Yawn. He will... be the death of us... or something. Snoooooooooore...

Johnny: Wait, shouldn't I get a subplot about accepting responsibility or growing up or something?

All: Nah.


Avi Arad: Good job, Tim. Now you just have to make a film to compete with other third entries in comic book series, like X3: Brett Ratner Screw It Up, Batman Forever: Jim Carrey Cashs A Pay Check, and Superman 3: Superman Gets Drunk And Has Unprotected Sex With Total Strangers.*

*May not be actual subtitles.

Tim Story: Whew. Dodged a bullet there.

Avi Arad: Now ride me, Tim Story. Ride me like Seabiscuit!
Damn, Zev did it again...

but Avi with the famous seabiscuit line? Thats just disturbing
ElectroFlare said:
Damn, Zev did it again...

but Avi with the famous seabiscuit line? Thats just disturbing

Well, how do you think Story got the job in the first place?
True, true...

Also, I love what you did with the Surfer, despite him being one of my favorite characters. He makes points about philosphy while surfing! Lol...keep it up zev

LOL LOL LOL LOL quality all the way through, the last line was awesome.

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