Five-Minute Fantastic Four 2

Discussion in 'Marvel Films' started by Zev, Aug 19, 2005.

  1. Zev

    Zev Registered

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    Part the second of Five-Minute Fantastic Four. I am also an avid fan of Batman Beyond. Grizzled!Bruce, hooah!


    Avi Arad: So, Tim, how's it feel to launch a new Marvel franchise?

    Tim Story: Pretty good. Everyone said I couldn't do it, after I screwed the pooch with Taxi, but I guess I showed them!

    Avi Arad: Yes, you made a film that can stand proudly alongside greats like Spider-Man and X-Men.

    Tim Story: Thanks, man.

    Avi Arad: Now you're going to have to make a sequel that improves on the original, like Spider-Man 2 and X2: X-Men United.

    Tim Story: ...crap.

    ***

    Reed: How do you do, Mrs. Richards?

    Sue: Just fine, Mr. Richards.

    Tim Story: Wait a minute, wait a minute, stop, hold everything! There's no drama in married couples!

    Reed: Yes, there is. There's a lot of drama!

    Tim Story: P-shaw. Take two! And... rolling!

    Reed: Well, two days until our wedding, honeybun.

    Sue: Yes. And never call me honeybun again unless you want to be crushed by invisible boulders.

    Reed: Oh, right, I forgot... You're a...

    Sue and Reed: Tough Chick Who Is In Touch With Her Own Sexuality And Not Afraid To Dish It Out.

    Sue: Anyway, this would be a good change for an opening action scene of us dealing with some threat, perhaps in the Negative Zone...

    Tim Story: Sorry, we don't have the budget for that. Think smaller.

    Sue: Right, maybe one of the Mole Man's monsters...

    Tim Story: Smaller.

    Reed: Ummm... one of my experiments could get out of hand...

    Tim Story: Keep going.

    Reed: With sexy results!

    Tim Story: I like the cut of your gib! Say, where's Reed and Thing?

    ***

    Ben: So we, the INTERESTING characters, are shuffled aside while the leads go through their insipid romance.

    Doc Ock: GOD, I know exactly what you mean.

    Chloe: And the worst part is when they shove it in your face. I was prom queen, yet LANA, who's involved with another man, gets to dance with Clark? What is that?

    Lex: Yeah, that Clark is such a hussy.

    All: ...

    Lex: What? What'd I say?

    Johnny: Can I lick your head for good luck?

    Lex: No! Well, alright, maybe once...

    ***

    Reed: Hmmm... drama, drama.

    Sue: Thought of a subplot yet?

    Reed: Damnit, Sue, I'm a doctor, not a screenwriter!

    Sue: Hey, don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys. Maybe we can try later. Here, let me get you a drink.

    Reed: Sue, it's just writer's block.

    Sue: Well, I called the Parkers and they gave us something which might help.

    Reed: "Lord of the G-Strings"?

    Sue: No, that's for me.

    Reed: Right, right, In Touch With Her Own Sexuality, I keep forgetting.

    Sue gets up and walks to a previously-unseen cycle, which she spins. It lands at "Fear of Infidelity."

    Reed: Wait a minute, infidelity? Since we're about to get married, wouldn't that make one of us look really scummy?

    Sue: You're right. I'd better do it. After all, when a man cheats on his wife, it's monstrously evil, like in Fatal Attraction, but when a woman cheats on her husband, it's because she's in love and escaping a passionless relationship, like in Unfaithful... or The English Patient... or Bridges of Madison County... or...

    Reed: Right, so who're you gonna cheat on me with?

    Sue: ALMOST cheat on you with.

    Reed: Whatever.

    Sue: Well, I was thinking... Namor.

    Namor: 'Sup?

    Reed: NAMOR? He's a rude, domineering, arrogant, bully, whereas I am an intelligent, sensitive, charming man. Why him?

    Sue: He looks really good in a speedo.

    Namor: Fear the Bulge.

    Sue: Almost ride me, Namor! Almost ride me like Seabiscuit!

    ***

    Avi Arad: Wait a minute, Tim, you can't use Namor.

    Tim Story: What? Why not?

    Avi Arad: He's at another studio.

    Tim Story: Alright... I'll use the Silver Surfer!

    Avi Arad: Who?

    Tim Story: He makes points about philosophy... while SURFING!

    ***

    Silver Surfer: Kant would say that these waves are totally gnarly, but Marx would say that these babes are awesomely bodacious!

    ***

    Avi Arad: Yeah, yeah, whatever. So long as it makes money.

    Tim Story: You mean, "so long as it's faithful to the comics," right?

    Avi Arad: That's what I said.

    ***

    Ben: Right, time for my own subplot.

    Ben gets up and walks to a previously-unseen cycle, which he spins. It lands at "Fear of Infidelity."

    Ben: Man, is there any other relationship crisis in this thing?

    Alicia: Well, I'm a black woman in a mainstream Hollywood movie. I can do no wrong.

    Ben: So I'll just be a dick and assume you're cheating on me?

    Alicia: Yeah, pretty much.

    Ben: How DOES our relationship work, anyway? I mean, there's no WAY I could make love to you without causing you serious injury? Do I call in a ringer or...

    Johnny: Hey, Alicia, I brought the K-Y Jel... well, this is interesting.

    ***

    Johnny: Now I'm... trapped in the closet, yes I'm trapped in the closet...

    ***

    Reed: Silver Surfer, you must not allow Galactus to eat our world.

    Silver Surfer: Sorry, dude, but eating planets is totally rad!

    ***

    Avi Arad: Sorry, Tim, you can't use Silver Surfer.

    Tim Story: What, he's at another studio too?

    Avi Arad: You could say that...

    ***

    Annoucer: Point Break 2: This Time, It's Personal!

    Keanu Reeves: I! Am a S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent!

    Silver Surfer: There are weird happenings at the Circle-K...

    ***

    Reed: Okay, we can't use Namor, we can't use Silver Surfer... who can we use?

    Dr. Doom: I'm back! This time I will totally crush you, blah blah blah...

    Sue: Oh no, Dr. Doom! Yawn. He will... be the death of us... or something. Snoooooooooore...

    Johnny: Wait, shouldn't I get a subplot about accepting responsibility or growing up or something?

    All: Nah.

    ***

    Avi Arad: Good job, Tim. Now you just have to make a film to compete with other third entries in comic book series, like X3: Brett Ratner Screw It Up, Batman Forever: Jim Carrey Cashs A Pay Check, and Superman 3: Superman Gets Drunk And Has Unprotected Sex With Total Strangers.*

    *May not be actual subtitles.

    Tim Story: Whew. Dodged a bullet there.

    Avi Arad: Now ride me, Tim Story. Ride me like Seabiscuit!
     
  2. ElectroFlare

    ElectroFlare Mightiest Mortal

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    Damn, Zev did it again...

    but Avi with the famous seabiscuit line? Thats just disturbing
     
  3. Zev

    Zev Registered

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    Well, how do you think Story got the job in the first place?
     
  4. ElectroFlare

    ElectroFlare Mightiest Mortal

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    True, true...

    Also, I love what you did with the Surfer, despite him being one of my favorite characters. He makes points about philosphy while surfing! Lol...keep it up zev
     
  5. Nancy-Twin

    Nancy-Twin Registered

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    God Bless you Zev............FEAR THE BULGE!!!
     
  6. shigsy2003

    shigsy2003 I'LL TAKE YOU ALL ON!!!

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    Hi

    LOL LOL LOL LOL quality all the way through, the last line was awesome.
     

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