Part the second of Five-Minute Fantastic Four. I am also an avid fan of Batman Beyond. Grizzled!Bruce, hooah! Avi Arad: So, Tim, how's it feel to launch a new Marvel franchise? Tim Story: Pretty good. Everyone said I couldn't do it, after I screwed the pooch with Taxi, but I guess I showed them! Avi Arad: Yes, you made a film that can stand proudly alongside greats like Spider-Man and X-Men. Tim Story: Thanks, man. Avi Arad: Now you're going to have to make a sequel that improves on the original, like Spider-Man 2 and X2: X-Men United. Tim Story: ...crap. *** Reed: How do you do, Mrs. Richards? Sue: Just fine, Mr. Richards. Tim Story: Wait a minute, wait a minute, stop, hold everything! There's no drama in married couples! Reed: Yes, there is. There's a lot of drama! Tim Story: P-shaw. Take two! And... rolling! Reed: Well, two days until our wedding, honeybun. Sue: Yes. And never call me honeybun again unless you want to be crushed by invisible boulders. Reed: Oh, right, I forgot... You're a... Sue and Reed: Tough Chick Who Is In Touch With Her Own Sexuality And Not Afraid To Dish It Out. Sue: Anyway, this would be a good change for an opening action scene of us dealing with some threat, perhaps in the Negative Zone... Tim Story: Sorry, we don't have the budget for that. Think smaller. Sue: Right, maybe one of the Mole Man's monsters... Tim Story: Smaller. Reed: Ummm... one of my experiments could get out of hand... Tim Story: Keep going. Reed: With sexy results! Tim Story: I like the cut of your gib! Say, where's Reed and Thing? *** Ben: So we, the INTERESTING characters, are shuffled aside while the leads go through their insipid romance. Doc Ock: GOD, I know exactly what you mean. Chloe: And the worst part is when they shove it in your face. I was prom queen, yet LANA, who's involved with another man, gets to dance with Clark? What is that? Lex: Yeah, that Clark is such a hussy. All: ... Lex: What? What'd I say? Johnny: Can I lick your head for good luck? Lex: No! Well, alright, maybe once... *** Reed: Hmmm... drama, drama. Sue: Thought of a subplot yet? Reed: Damnit, Sue, I'm a doctor, not a screenwriter! Sue: Hey, don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys. Maybe we can try later. Here, let me get you a drink. Reed: Sue, it's just writer's block. Sue: Well, I called the Parkers and they gave us something which might help. Reed: "Lord of the G-Strings"? Sue: No, that's for me. Reed: Right, right, In Touch With Her Own Sexuality, I keep forgetting. Sue gets up and walks to a previously-unseen cycle, which she spins. It lands at "Fear of Infidelity." Reed: Wait a minute, infidelity? Since we're about to get married, wouldn't that make one of us look really scummy? Sue: You're right. I'd better do it. After all, when a man cheats on his wife, it's monstrously evil, like in Fatal Attraction, but when a woman cheats on her husband, it's because she's in love and escaping a passionless relationship, like in Unfaithful... or The English Patient... or Bridges of Madison County... or... Reed: Right, so who're you gonna cheat on me with? Sue: ALMOST cheat on you with. Reed: Whatever. Sue: Well, I was thinking... Namor. Namor: 'Sup? Reed: NAMOR? He's a rude, domineering, arrogant, bully, whereas I am an intelligent, sensitive, charming man. Why him? Sue: He looks really good in a speedo. Namor: Fear the Bulge. Sue: Almost ride me, Namor! Almost ride me like Seabiscuit! *** Avi Arad: Wait a minute, Tim, you can't use Namor. Tim Story: What? Why not? Avi Arad: He's at another studio. Tim Story: Alright... I'll use the Silver Surfer! Avi Arad: Who? Tim Story: He makes points about philosophy... while SURFING! *** Silver Surfer: Kant would say that these waves are totally gnarly, but Marx would say that these babes are awesomely bodacious! *** Avi Arad: Yeah, yeah, whatever. So long as it makes money. Tim Story: You mean, "so long as it's faithful to the comics," right? Avi Arad: That's what I said. *** Ben: Right, time for my own subplot. Ben gets up and walks to a previously-unseen cycle, which he spins. It lands at "Fear of Infidelity." Ben: Man, is there any other relationship crisis in this thing? Alicia: Well, I'm a black woman in a mainstream Hollywood movie. I can do no wrong. Ben: So I'll just be a dick and assume you're cheating on me? Alicia: Yeah, pretty much. Ben: How DOES our relationship work, anyway? I mean, there's no WAY I could make love to you without causing you serious injury? Do I call in a ringer or... Johnny: Hey, Alicia, I brought the K-Y Jel... well, this is interesting. *** Johnny: Now I'm... trapped in the closet, yes I'm trapped in the closet... *** Reed: Silver Surfer, you must not allow Galactus to eat our world. Silver Surfer: Sorry, dude, but eating planets is totally rad! *** Avi Arad: Sorry, Tim, you can't use Silver Surfer. Tim Story: What, he's at another studio too? Avi Arad: You could say that... *** Annoucer: Point Break 2: This Time, It's Personal! Keanu Reeves: I! Am a S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent! Silver Surfer: There are weird happenings at the Circle-K... *** Reed: Okay, we can't use Namor, we can't use Silver Surfer... who can we use? Dr. Doom: I'm back! This time I will totally crush you, blah blah blah... Sue: Oh no, Dr. Doom! Yawn. He will... be the death of us... or something. Snoooooooooore... Johnny: Wait, shouldn't I get a subplot about accepting responsibility or growing up or something? All: Nah. *** Avi Arad: Good job, Tim. Now you just have to make a film to compete with other third entries in comic book series, like X3: Brett Ratner Screw It Up, Batman Forever: Jim Carrey Cashs A Pay Check, and Superman 3: Superman Gets Drunk And Has Unprotected Sex With Total Strangers.* *May not be actual subtitles. Tim Story: Whew. Dodged a bullet there. Avi Arad: Now ride me, Tim Story. Ride me like Seabiscuit!