My love for George Carlin...

[lazur]

The world's greatest comedian. Post your favorite George Carlin rants! Here's one of mine:

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[Ronny Shade]

Who's Geroge Carlin?

 

[Space Moose]

George Carlin = More *****ing than jokes.

Like a crap Bill Hicks

 

[lazur]

Who's Geroge Carlin?

The greatest comedian of all time. Go rent "George's Best Stuff" and watch it repeatedly.

 

[lazur]

George Carlin = More *****ing than jokes.

Like a crap Bill Hicks

Not his older stuff, like pre-90's.

 

[Space Moose]

Not his older stuff, like pre-90's.

Maybe...

 

[Ben Urich]

I like George Carlin, especially now. Surly comedians make me laugh

 

[muertevilla]

george carlin is the man. by far my favorite comedian..and below are a few reasons why

1. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
2. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
3. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
4. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
5. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
6. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

 

[Ronny Shade]

Paul Walker is my favorite comedian

 

[Space Moose]

george carlin is the man. by far my favorite comedian..and below are a few reasons why

1. If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
2. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
3. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
4. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
5. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
6. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Sounds like Steven Wright.

 

[Halcohol]

GEORGE CARLIN AND SPORTS

To my way of thinking there are really only three sports: baseball, basketball, and football. Everything else is either a game or an activity.

Hockey comes to mind. People think hockey is a sport. It's not. Hockey is three activities taking place at the same time: ice skating, fooling around with a puck, and beating the **** out of somebody. If these guys had more brains then teeth, they'd do these things one at a time. First go ice-skating, then fool around with a puck, then you go to the bar and beat the **** out of somebody. The day would last longer, and these guys would have a lot more fun. Another reason why hockey isn't a sport is that it's not played with a ball. Anything not played with a ball can't be a sport. These are my rules, I make 'em up.

Soccer. Soccer is not a sport because you can't use your arms. Anything where you can't use your arms can't be a sport. Tap dancing isn't a sport. I rest my case.

Running. People think running is a sport. Running isn't a sport because anybody can do it. I can run, you can run. For Christ sakes, my mother can run! You don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you?

Swimming. Swimming isn't a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense. Sailing isn't a sport. Sailing is a way to get somewhere. Riding the bus isn't a sport, why the **** should sailing be a sport?

Boxing is not a sport either. Boxing is a way to beat the **** out of somebody. In that respect, boxing is actually a more sophisticated way of hockey. In spite of what the police tell you, beating the **** out of somebody is not a sport. When police brutality becomes an Olympic event, fine, then boxing can be a sport.

Bowling. Bowling isn't a sport because you have to rent shoes. Don't forget, these are my rules. I make 'em up.

Billiards. Some people think billiards is a sport, but it can't be, because there's no chance of serious injury. Unless, of course, you welch on a bet in a tough neighborhood. Then, if you wind up with a pool cue stickin' out of your ass, you know you might be the victim of a sports-related injury. But that ain't billiards, that's pool, and that starts with a P, and that rhymes with D, and that brings me to darts.

Darts could have been a sport, because at least there's a chance to put someone's eye out. But, alas, darts will never be a sport, because the whole object of the game is to reach zero, which goes against all sports logic.

Lacrosse is not a sport; lacrosse is a ******y college activity. I don't care how rough it is, anytime you're running around a field, waving a stick with a little net on the end of it, you're engaged in a ******y college activity. Period.

Field hockey and fencing. Same thing. ******y college ****. Also these activities aren't sports, because you can't gamble on them. Anything you can't gamble on can't be a sport. When was the last time you made a ****in' fencing bet?

Gymnastics is not a sport because Romanians are good at it. It took me a long time to come up with that rule, but goddammit, I did it.

Polo isn't a sport. Polo is golf on horseback. Without holes. It's a great concept, but not a sport. And as far as water polo is concerned, I hesitate to even mention it, because it's extremely cruel to horses.

Which brings me to hunting. You think hunting is a sport? Ask the deer. The only good thing about hunting is the many fatal accidents on the weekends. And, of course, the permanently disfigured hunters who survive such accidents.

Then you have tennis. Tennis is very trendy and very fruity, but it's not a sport. It's just a way to meet other trendy fruits. Technically, tennis is an advanced form a Ping-Pong. In fact, tennis is Ping-Pong played while standing on the table. Great concept, not a sport.

In fact, all racket games are nothing more the derivatives of Ping-Pong. Even volleyball is, technically, racketless, team Ping-Pong played with an inflated ball and raised net while standing on the table.

And finally welcome to golf. For my full take on golf, I refer you elsewhere in the book, but let it just be said golf is a game that might possibly be fun, if it could be played alone. But it's the vacuous, striving, superficial, male-bonding joiners one has to associate with that makes it such a repulsive pastime. And it is decidedly not a sport. Period.

 

[Bad Superman]

Nobody beats Paulie Shore. . . .NOBODY!!!

**Sound of Crickets.**

Bad Supes flies away.

 

[Space Moose]

Steven Wright hands down

 

[Ben Urich]

One of his best routines: Baseball and Football

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.

Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.

In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.

Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.

I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?

In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.

In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.

Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

 

[lazur]

One of his best routines: Baseball and Football

Oh my god yes, that is SOOOO hilarious!

 

[KingOfDreams]

Carlin is definitely my favorite comedian.

 

[bored]

Read "Brain Droppings", and you will be a happy person. I saw him live about five years ago, and he did a lot of material from it, and I still laughed.

 

[Hotwire]

Who's Geroge Carlin?

You have got to be kidding me!!!! He's one of the originals!! He came up with the seven things you can't say on TV. Then man is one of the greatest comedians of all time. Look him up on wikipedia.

 

[Batty for Bats!]

Paul Walker is my favorite comedian

Lol.

 

[Man-Thing]

One of his best routines: Baseball and Football

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he's out; sometimes unintentionally, he's out.

Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.

In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you'd ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you'd know the reason for this custom.

Now, I've mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.

I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who's up?

In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.

In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.

Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog...
In baseball, if it rains, we don't go out to play.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don't know when it's gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we've got to go to sudden death.

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there's kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there's not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you're capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy's defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

and that's supposed to be funny? It reminds me of some crappy emails my wife sends me.

 

[Hotwire]

and that's supposed to be funny? It reminds me of some crappy emails my wife sends me.

You wouldn't know funny if it hit you in the head.

 

[Man-Thing]

You wouldn't know funny if it hit you in the head.

maybe, but I do know that comparing two sports is not .

 

[ShadowBoxing]

George Carlin was funny once upon a time. Now he just sh**s and complains, and it isn't funny watching an old irrelevant man complain about everything under the sun.

Rent Bill Hicks instead.

 

[Man-Thing]

My impression of George Carlin...

The differences between a chick and a cow.

Chicken have wings, whereas cows have legs with hooves.

Cows eat grass and turn it into cud, chickens eat scratch feed, rocks and bugs.

Cows are large, chickens are small.

Chickens have beaks, cows have mouths.

Cows moo, chickens cluck.

A male cow is called a bull, a male chicken is called a rooster.

A male cow that has been casteraded is called a steere, a male chicken that has been casterated is called ________.

NOW MARVEL AT MY WITTY REPARTEE!!!

 

[Hotwire]

no, umm guess again einstein.

So who are the best comedians of all time?? In your opinion.