One More Piece of Crap 2: Arms that Hold Me!

[J. J. Jameson]

Well...here we are again. If you read my previous story (See my signature), you'll know what to expect. This one is a bit more organized, and not quite so random. And maybe not quite so outrightly funny. Still, have fun with it and don't try to read it as some sort of...spectacularly written feat, because it isn't. If I ever want to write something like that, I won't include the word "crap" in the title . Enjoy. (13 Episodes, just like the last one.) COMMENTS ARE WELCOMED!!!


EPISODE 1

[The lights come up and the announcer comes on. “Heeelllo, True Believer! Welcome to another awful look at the jumbled of everyone’s favorite misunderstood superhero…SPIDER-MAN! So without further ado, let’s get this dirt-bag of a show on the road!]​

[Inside Peter/MJ’s apartment]​

PETER:​

Honey? Are we out of milk.​

MJ:
Yes.​

PETER:
How?​

MJ:
What do you mean how?​

PETER:
I’m asking you.​

MJ:
You drank it. You only have cereal every morning.​

PETER:
We need more milk.​

MJ:
Relax, Tiger, I’m heading to the store as soon as I get around.​

PETER:
Great. Now I remember why I married you.​

MJ:
Oh is that all? To fetch you milk?​

PETER:
I’m sure I could think of a few others.​

MJ:
Grow up, Peter.​

[Knock on the front door.]​

PETER:
Who--?​

MJ:
I’ll get it.​

[Opens door.]​

MJ:
May!​

MAY:
Good morning, Mary Jane. I’m sorry to be here at this hour.​

PETER [off screen]:​

You can say that again…​

MJ:
Peter!...May, it’s fine. What’s wrong?​

MAY:
It’s nothing, I just thought I’d stop by and…and…​

MJ:​

May…?​

MAY:
ARRRRGGGGGGGGGG!!!!​

[MAY begins to transform into some sort of beast. Tendrils spring from her body, a gooey red color that splatters onto the sidewalk. The figure begins to take form as the screams continue. Finally, in a horrifying instant, PETER recognizes the crimson monster as…]​

PETER:
Carnage! ​

MJ:
Aunt May is Carnage?!!​

PETER:
That’s what it looks like, yeah!!!​

MJ:
So do something!!​

PETER:
Stay calm! I’ve got an idea!​

MJ:
Enough with the talking! Get with the doing!!​

PETER:
Hey, Carnage!! Here boy…I mean…girl! I have a big cookie for you!​

MJ:​

This is your plan?​

PETER:
This is my plan!​

AUNT CARNAGE:​

YARRRGGG! COOOOKKKIEEE!!!​

PETER:
It’s working!​

MJ:
Way to go, sugar!​

PETER:
You got it, cupcake!​

MJ:
Don’t call me cupcake.​

PETER:
Right. Look! Aunt May is…well, un-transforming!​

[AUNT CARNAGE transforms back into AUNT MAY. MAY collapses on the front steps.]​

MJ:
Who could have done this?​

PETER:
I don’t know…but when I find out, you’re making brownies!​

[Change scene. Enter a dark room. DR. DOOM is sitting in a chair at a table, speaking to a SHADY FIGURE.]​

DOOM:
You realize I’ve disgraced myself by speaking to you.​

FIGURE:
And you’ve been compensated adequately for you sacrifice.​

DOOM:
Do not mock Doom!​

FIGURE:
Calm yourself, Doom. You are free to go, now that you’re assistance is no longer needed. You help with the biological recreation of the Carnage symbiote was greatly appreciated.​

DOOM:
But why attack the old woman with such a sophisticated—​

FIGURE:
I do not answer to you.​

DOOM:
Insect! I will show you the power of DOOM!​

[DOOM rises from his seat and moves to attack the FIGURE. However, the FIGURE thrusts a long, slender object from the shadows and impales DOOM with it.]​

FIGURE:
No, Doom. You are the insect. You think your machinery and armor makes you untouchable. You think that you intellect is insurmountable. But you have underestimated me, wretch. I have allowed you to live, only because you may be useful in the future. Know this, Doom, you have a master. And his name is—​

[SHADY FIGURE moves into the light.]​

OCK:
Doctor Octopus!!​

[Lights go dim. Announcer comes on. “Well, how do you like that, Marvelite? What scheme could Ock possibly be cooking up? And how far does this reach? Don’t miss us next week when we see…HOW DOC OCK WILL DEFEAT SPIDER-MAN! Once and for all! Don’t miss it!”]​

 

[J. J. Jameson]

EPISODE 2

Lights come up. Announcer comes on: “Hellllllooo, ladies, gentlemen, and other forms of life! You asked for it, you got it: One More Piece of Crap 2: Arms that Hold Me! We’re just getting the show underway, so grab comfy chair and keep your eyes peeled. Here we go!]

[Somewhere among the dark alleys of New York City.]

CORONER:
So they think they can throw me out of a window and be rid of me, do they? [Note: Remember? PETER threw him out a window during a heated argument in ONE MORE PIECE OF CRAP]

CORONER:
Well they can’t. I know people. People know me. I know people who knew people who are associated with a group of beings that somewhat resemble humans and may in fact be human. They can’t do this to me. I pay taxes!

CORONER:
I’ll show them. It’s time I pay my “friend” a visit.

[Change scene. PETER and MJ’s apartment.]

PETER:
When could have this happened?

MJ:
Who knows…

PETER:
We should have seen she was acting differently.

MJ:
Ever since we found out that the body you chased out the window WASN’T May, but actually a Chuck Norris alien [Note: See OMPoC], she’s been more reserved. Like she was trying to keep something from us.

PETER:
You think she knew she had been bonded with the symbiote?

MJ:
I don’t know.

PETER:
Me either. So can you make brownies anyway?


MJ:
Grow up, Peter! Seriously!

PETER:
Hmph.

MJ:
Grow up.

PETER:
Make me. [sticks out tongue.]

MJ:
[rolls eyes] You are two years old.

[Telephone rings.]

MJ:
[picks up phone] Hello?

TONY STARK:
MJ, babe. How’s it going.

MJ:
Tony Stark? I thought you were in Europe?

TONY:
No, that was cancelled.

MJ:
Why?

TONY:
They actually wanted me to fly first class! First class! Can you believe it?!

MJ:
Why didn’t you take an opportunity like that?!

TONY:
I only take planes when I can sit in the cockpit!

MJ:
What do you want?

TONY:
Oh I need to talk to Peter about a thing.

MJ:
Good luck. [hands the phone to PETER.]

PETER:
Wuz ‘appenin’ my peeps?

TONY:
You were in the medicine cabinet again, weren’t you?

[Audience laughter.]

PETER:
No, I just wanted to talk like that.

TONY:
Don’t.

PETER:
Okay.

TONY:
There’s a thing.

PETER:
Yeah?

TONY:
You need to come to the Tower.

PETER:
Avengers Tower?

TONY:
No, no…the OTHER Tower.

PETER:
Oh that one.

TONY:
Yeah.

PETER:
Okay.

TONY:
So come.

PETER:
…

TONY:
[sigh] What’s wrong?

PETER:
What Tower?

TONY:
Oh for the love of…PETER! The OTHER Tower! The one UNDER the Avengers Tower.

PETER:
Ooooooh. That Tower. Why? What’s happened?

TONY:
Are you sitting down?

PETER:
What’s happened??!!

[PETER’s eyes get wide as TONY tells him the news.]

[Chance scene. Doc Ock’s Lair.]

OCK:
Your work was impressive.

SHADOWED FIGURE:
Thanks. I pride myself on my…effectiveness.

OCK:
And effect you certainly were. You were able to infiltrate The Tower Beneath Avengers Tower, one of the most heavily guarded facilities in the world. How did you do it?

FIGURE:
Well, without giving away my trade secrets, let’s just say I have my ways of…writing…my own fate as well as the fate of others.

OCK:
Fascinating. You’ve been very helpful, and you’ll be paid for your time. I hope that you’ll be willing to stick around. A man like me could use a man like you, especially in the near future.

FIGURE:
Suits me fine. I ain’t complaining about the pay. And it’s a pleasure to work for a living legend, such as yourself.

OCK:
Yes, I suppose it is. Well, you are free to go, my friend. I just wanted to congratulate you on your accomplishment. I hope to meet with you again…

[SHADY FIGURE steps into the light.]

OCK:
…Mr. Bendis!

[Lights go dim. Announcer comes on: “GASP! It looks like we haven’t seen the last of Marvel employee treachery! Stick around for this one, folks! The story is just getting started!]

 

[J. J. Jameson]

EPISODE 3

[Lights come up. Announcer comes on: “Nom, nom, nom…Oh hi. I’m eating a sandwich, so why don’t we go right to the show?”]

[Avengers Tower. TONY STARK and PETER PARKER are standing outside on the front steps.]

PETER:
Tony, what is this? Some kind of joke?

TONY:
I wish, Pete. I don’t know how it happened. I mean, who even knows about The Tower Below Avengers Tower other than you and me.

PETER:
There was that girl you brought down the one day…

TONY:
Okay, besides her.

PETER:
And then there was that guy you brought down the other day…

TONY:
Hey! [Quieter] I thought that was our little secret!

PETER:
Yeah?? Well your “little secret” might have just gone AWOL all over our TBAT!

TONY:
Tee-Bat?

PETER:
Yeah…Tower Below Avengers Tower. T-B-A-T? Get it?

TONY:
Oh. [Pause] Did you think of that yourself?

PETER:
I did.

TONY:
Clever.

PETER:
Why thank you.

TONY:
Not at all.

[Another pause.]

PETER:
What are we doing here again?

TONY:
We’re…uh…we’re…Oh for the love of—somebody get me a drink!

PETER:
TBAT!

TONY:
Right! The Bad Actor’s Theater! Isn’t your wife part of that?

PETER:
Why you arrogant—

TONY:
Oh! Hey! I remembered what we’re here for! Quick. To TBAT! Taxi!! Somebody get me a taxi!

PETER:
No!! Not that TBAT! OUR TBAT!

TONY:
Right. Somebody get me an elevator!

PETER:
There is no elevator.

TONY:
Then I guess we’ll make one. Armor up!

[The Under-sheath of Tony’s Iron Man armor covers his body, as the other pieces of his armor appear from somewhere behind him.]

IRON MAN:
That’s more like it. Stand back.

[IRON MAN punches a massive hole in the sidewalk that opens up into a black chasm.]

PETER:
Showoff.

IRON MAN:
I know.

PETER:
But that was actually impressive. And the whole “Armor up!” thing was cool. And did you pull that armor right out of your bu—

IRON MAN:
[Picks up PETER] No time for talk. Down!!

[Change scene. Doc Ock’s Lair.]

OCK:
[Looks out over a crowd of shady figures.] I have assembled you, my lower life-forms, because we have one goal. It is not a complicated objective. We are going to make Spider-Man’s life a living hell.

[Cheers from SHADY FIGURES.]

OCK:
Now, through careful deduction and the regrettable involvement of Victor Von Doom, I have discovered Spider-Man’s identity. I placed a super-powered threat in his way, and observed his actions. Without overloading you microscopic minds, I will tell you that I infected one of his loved ones with a genetically bonding entity, also known as the Carnage Symbiote. He was able to subdue this loved one, something only a super-powered individual could do. And it confirmed my suspicions as to who Spider-Man truly is. I am ready to launch my greatest attack.

[More applause.]

OCK:
You are movers. You are shakers. You are mine to command. If you break ranks, I will kill you, and, more importantly, you will not get paid. Our mutual friend, Mr. Bendis, delivered a hard blow to Spider-Man, one that will undoubtedly affect him on a deeply personal level. You are the best at what you do, and now it is time to utilize those skills. Phase Two is about to begin, gentlemen. And you are the catalysts.

[The SHADY FIGURES are revealed: JOE QUESADA, MARK MILLAR, J. MICHAEL STRAZYNSKI, JEPH LOEB, FRANK MILLER, and a bunch of other current and former Marvel Writers who have written cringe-worthy stories, or just screwed continuity over more times than you care to count!]

OCK:
Now. Go outrage the internet.

[Lights go out. Announcer comes on: “Pajamas!”]

 

[MrShifty]

hahahhahaha thats some great stuff