Planes, Trains, and Plantains:
The story of Oedipus
A man can only justify his actions if he regards his demeanor with deductive thinking. This man was not Oedipus mainly because he was a fu**ing *****ebag. One must know who Oedipus was to understand the period in which it was written. This is my thesis statement. The Greeks contributed many things to our culture, such as olives, gyros, Lenny Kravitz, anal sex, and Oedipus. Oedipus will be remembered though out time because he suffered from Lou Gehrig's disease, and that's why he couldn't play base ball in the first Olympic games. He will always be remembered for his journeys and his love for the New York Yankees.
Laius and Jocasta were king and queen of Thebes, a town in Greece. They were fu**ing around and Laius forgot to strap his sh**. One day, they had a baby boy. An oracle prophesied that the boy would grow up and kill his father and marry his mother. Laius was like fu** that sh**, that's gay. To thwart the prophecy, Laius and Jocasta decided to kill their baby. They fingered his butt hole and sent him on his way. In those days, it was usual to leave an unwanted or defective baby in the wilderness. Laius and Jocasta did this. To be extra sure, they pierced his little feet and tied them together. (Don't worry about this detail, which makes no sense. It must have been introduced to explain the hero's name.) A kindly shepard found the baby in a pool skimmer. He gave the baby to a friend, who took it to Corinth, another town. (Corinth reappears in the New Testament. Under the category of DVDA, versus 63) The king and queen of Corinth couldn't have a baby of their own. The king had a bad case of the limp dick. So they adopted the foundling. Nobody ever told little Oedipus that his mother was never pregnant. She aborted a kitten in a toilet in the back of a Denver Denny's. One day, after he had grown up, a drunk mentioned his being adopted. Oedipus killed the bum. Oedipus questioned his parents, but they denied it. Oedipus visited various oracles to find out whether he was really adopted. All the oracles told him instead he would kill father and marry his mother. He told them that they were dissin' him so he grabbed his 12 sided double ***** and left town. (None of this makes much sense. Again, don't worry about it. This is a folk tale not a god damn Oxy Clean Commercial.) To thwart the oracles, Oedipus left Corinth permanently. He then sought out Billy Mays and had gay sex with him, at the time it was considered polite. (Again, don't worry. Yes, Oedipus should have considered that, since he might be adopted, any older men might be his father and older woman his mother. But this is a folk tale.) Traveling the roads, Oedipus got into a traffic squabble and killed a stranger who (unknown to him) was King Laius. Oedipus snorted two lines of pure cocaine off his dead dad. In one version, there was a dispute over right-of-way on a bridge. In those days, high rank got to go first. Oedipus identified himself as heir to the throne of Corinth, and for some reason (again, don't worry about it)
This is page 3.
Laius's people simply attacked instead of explaining that he was king of Thebes. They were dumb Greek dudes, what did you expect an atomic bomb? Some versions say that the rude Laius drove over Oedipus's sore foot, making him lose his temper. This is bullsh** don't believe it or
I WILL FU**ING KILL YOU, AND YES THIS IS A WRITTEN THREAT! And that's what Oedipus told his father.
One should ANALize the Poetry on page 43, when Oedipus is rollin in his benzo and he has to bust a cap on some flagrants in the under city.
Riding in the benzo, poppin my colla
See some fine wenches, I hafta holla
Diamonds, gold, and the all mighty dolla
Im opedipus b*tch, the original balla
I bust out my 9, to light up your impala
Fu** that police!
Dr. Dre got most of his inspiration from the Greek story of Oedipus. Soon, Oedipus's smarts saved the town of Thebes, and he was made king. Infact the only reason Dr. Dre produced "The Chronic" because the Bible tells you to smoke lots of pot, and Oedipus used to blaze with the makers of Aqua Fresh tooth paste.
Oedipus married Laius's widow, Queen Jocasta. So basically, he was fu**in his own mom which was fu**in nasty. He ruled well, and they had four children. Eventually, Oedipus and Jocasta found out what had really happened. Imagine your like jamming your mom and like you have 4 kids, then the feds come to your house and say that she wuz your mom, and you were like ya? And they were like, well that's gross and illegal. (You must assume that accidentally killing your father and marrying your mother is a disaster.) Jocasta committed suicide with a pimento and Oedipus blinded himself and became a wandering begger, because The Beetles did it and that was cool. In the version which must have been the favorite of Sophocles's Athenian audience, Oedipus found sanctuary at Colonus, outside of Athens. The kindness he was shown at the end made the city itself blessed. Which is the gayest ending ever. The greeks invented anal lube. This is my conclusion.
The end.
Works Cited:
http://www.yahoo.com
http://www.google.com
DKDetectiveElementary, Dear Robin (he/him)
