Sacred Power

[The Joker_1000]

This is the name of the manga/anime I'm currently working on. I'm going to do something no one else has ever done, I'm going to post up everything I've wrote but it's only because I'm rewriting mostly all of it since I don't like this draft. Any questions you have, direct them to me & I will answer them to the best of my ability. Keep in mind this series is loosely based off of Dragon Ball Z so let me know anything you don't like about this draft & feel free to post things you'd like to see in my manga.

Page 1:
The story begins with a 16 year old named Sadiki who attends high school & due to him being so smart, he is double promoted into the 12th grade & is about to enter his last year of school. Sadiki is somewhat of a quiet kid & although he is often thought of as popular by his peers, he seldom hangs around the popular crowd. Deciding not to just be a book worm, after entering high school he began to play sports such as basketball & football. However, no matter what sport he tried he was always able to run faster & jump higher than the other kids. It also became apparent he was stronger as well. After entering school this year, Sadiki had two care free & happy go lucky boys in his class who decided to try & get Sadiki to lighten up a bit. Sadiki begins to hang around Kiyazaki & Zero, becoming good buddies with them. Sadiki also comes across a beautiful girl named Katara who, like him, had been double promoted. The four began to become really good friends, hanging around one another a lot. Two months later, on a sunny Saturday, while studying Sadiki hears a huge explosion. Sadiki rushes outside only to see a big crater in the ground. Sadiki goes down to inspect & sees a spaceship in the middle of the huge crater. Suddenly, the door begins to open. Sadiki jumps back, scared at what might come out of the ship. Instead of a terrifying beast, a man in battered armor falls out of the ship & faints before getting the chance to say anything. Sadiki takes the man into his house & tends to his wounds. While the mysterious man is asleep, Sadiki explains this strange chain of events to his parents. Hours later, the man awakens to see Sadiki sitting in a chair, studying & doing work on his computer. The man calls out "ZOURI!!" to which Sadiki becomes confused & tries to assure the man that his name is Sadiki. The man begins to talk, telling Sadiki his name is Kaoru. Kaoru then tells Sadiki he's not from Earth but is from a planet named Xerek. Sadiki tells Kaoru he's crazy but Kaoru insists that he's telling the truth. Kaoru then begins to tell the story of the Xerekians. It all began about 10 million years ago on a barren planet where life had just began to take form. Kaoru reveals that Xerekians first started out as mindless beasts but over thousands of years they evolved into humanoid forms. The first humanoid Xerekians were very wild & barbaric, often fighting with one another to prove one's dominane. The Xerekians would eventually begin to develop powers as time progressed. Over thousnads of years Xerekians became a stronger & more sophisticated race of people.

This is just page 1, page 2 will be posted soon after I receive some feedback. Keep in mind I will keep most of this but it will just be rewritten so I can add in more details.

 

[The Joker_1000]

Page 2:
The Xerekians also began to develop powers such as flight & the ability to fire Ki/chi blasts out of their hands. However, even after evolving that much, the Xerekians still were a bit barbaric & would punish any alien who set foot on the planet & wasn't an Xerekian. One day, a powerful tyrant named Supernova & millions of his men landed on Xerek. The Xerekians were prepared to attack but Supernova opted to make a deal. He went on to say if the Xerekians helped him to expand his empire, they would all receive a little seat on the throne & would have a lot of authority around the universe. The Xerekians agreed & soon began using their powers to conquer countless worlds. The Xerekians worked with Supernova for over 25 years before truly realizing the error of their ways. One day, a messenger of Supernova's came down to Xerek to reveal the next planet Supernova marked for takeover. However, the Xerekians told the messenger to tell Supernova they no longer wanted to work with him, After this news makes it back to Supernova he becomes angry & tells the messenger to tell his men to assemble & attack Xerek. Kaoru also reveals that it was around this time that he [Sadiki] was born. Kaoru reveals that just moments before the invasion he was spending time with Sadiki. Once the invasion started, millions of Supernova's men began wreaking havoc on Xerek & so, an epic battle that forever changed the Xerekian race began. While having a moments peace during the battle, Kaoru puts his young son into a space pod & sends it away from the planet. Kaoru then begins to help out with a battle that would go on to last almost 14 years. The number of Xerekians only dwindled away while Supernova only sent more & more soldiers. Kaoru then tells Sadiki that Supernova had grown tired of the ongoing war & went to the planet himself & disintegrated the planet's core which caused the planet to explode a few minutes later. Kaoru reveals that he may have been the only Xerekian left besides Sadiki & that besides them it's possible their whole race is extinct. Sadiki is astounded by this news & refusing to believe he's an alien runs off in an angry manner. Kaoru rushes off to catch up with him & sort things out with him. Kaouru sees talks to Sadiki, eventually patching things up & telling him how crucial it is for him to train & help to defeat Supernova.

I'm probably not going to post anymore of what I wrote because I realize how horrible this is. I really need to add more detail in a lot of places. I really need to work on this & add more detail as well as work on the characters A LOT more. This stuff is downright horrible to be honest. It was all good in my head but now that I've written it down & typed it on here, I see that I need to improve this.

Btw, does anyone have any suggestions on how when I write it I can be really detailed when the fighting starts? I don't want it to be all "punch, punch & kick, kick", I want to make some really good fighting in this manga so any advice or help would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Victarion]

Try making character profiles and post them in this thread. I would just look up fightning moves and reword descriptions so as to avoid plagiarism. One thing I've noticed in Naruto is the gratuitous amount of info dumping. To combat this, try starting your story with the beginning of the Xerek making a deal with Supernova and build up to what you've got here with the school boy finding this last surviving Xerekian.

I would tread carefully with having your protagonist being double promoted into 12th grade. A good subplot might be him trying to cope with the workload or maintain his reputation as a genius (I would assume he is, due to his double promotion) in the face of tougher schoolwork.

Are you gonna draw this manga or type it like a book?

---Morzan

 

[The Joker_1000]

I originally planned on drawing it out. Btw, I'm starting to think I should just make the main character's hair blonde, golden so there is absolutely no chance of me making a form just like Super Saiyan.

 

[Victarion]

You say that the Xerek people are barbarians. Does their clothing style reflect this in a way that they dress in animal hides and crude armor, or do they wear something more hi-tech but battleworn. You know, like something salvaged from the corpse of a dead foe.

I recall that with the SS a change in hair was always there. Perhaps you could have the main character's hair just get longer over time. With everything that's going on, hair length would be the least of his worries, no?

What sort of flaws or quirks does Sadiki have?



---Morzan

 

[The Joker_1000]

When they start out they are barbaric but after they evolve & become more advanced, they wear more hi tech battle suits & I was thinking about letting them have these healing chambers that make them stronger while healing them if they are seriously injured.

Really, I don't think Sadiki has any flaws because he has a good heart. He's not petty or dishonest & always seeks to do the right thing, no matter what kind of situation he's in. As for the hair, it'll probably get longer & his appearance will probably change throughout the manga as I think it's a good thing to have some characters change appearance every once in a while. He'll probably still have blonde hair though, it's getting old to see every manga/anime character with black hair, at least in my opinion.

 

[Ultra-Herald9]

hmmm. sounds interesting but I'm gonna be a little harsh.Its heavily DBZ inspired and seems a little corny at times. I can respect it though. Sounds like an idea I had also which is pretty cool. One piece of advice I can give that might hopefully help is to make sure you increase your amount of character depth. Give your characters a rich history that people can identify with. Honestly, Sadiki sounds a little too perfect to hold people's interest. People should never be afraid to add minor flaws or quirks to their characters, sometimes you'll find that people will appreciate your characters more because of it.


Also, expand the origins of your universe a bit. Throw in some twists. Maybe the Xerekians can be extra-dimensional instead of simply being from another planet. Maybe they Literally live in a different period in a time-stream. Perhaps make Supernova a more religious figure. Why not make him an powerful fighter with a god-complex. Maybe people think he is some kind of mesiah. That could be another reason the Xerekians and the Supernova empire part ways. Maybe the Xerekians didn't appreciate serving a false idol.

Expand on the powers a bit. Instead of just Ki.......make up your own force. Maybe everything is made up of some form of this energy, so potentially the list of powers you can draw from can be endless. Instead of simply having Supernova destroy the planet you can have him do something far worse. Perhaps he turns the planet and all its life and the very planet itself into lifeless unbreakable metal with his sheer power alone. His planet-wide genocide to be evidenced forever. He literally killed all these people on the molecular level and left them in this COMPLETELY UNREVERSABLE state FOREVER as evidence of his power. That way you can have a heart-renching scene of Sadiki seeing visiting his homeworld and seeing his people. Mabe his battle with Supernova can take place on his old planet.

 

[The Joker_1000]

hmmm. sounds interesting but I'm gonna be a little harsh.Its heavily DBZ inspired and seems a little corny at times. I can respect it though. Sounds like an idea I had also which is pretty cool. One piece of advice I can give that might hopefully help is to make sure you increase your amount of character depth. Give your characters a rich history that people can identify with. Honestly, Sadiki sounds a little too perfect to hold people's interest. People should never be afraid to add minor flaws or quirks to their characters, sometimes you'll find that people will appreciate your characters more because of it.


Also, expand the origins of your universe a bit. Throw in some twists. Maybe the Xerekians can be extra-dimensional instead of simply being from another planet. Maybe they Literally live in a different period in a time-stream. Perhaps make Supernova a more religious figure. Why not make him an powerful fighter with a god-complex. Maybe people think he is some kind of mesiah. That could be another reason the Xerekians and the Supernova empire part ways. Maybe the Xerekians didn't appreciate serving a false idol.

Expand on the powers a bit. Instead of just Ki.......make up your own force. Maybe everything is made up of some form of this energy, so potentially the list of powers you can draw from can be endless. Instead of simply having Supernova destroy the planet you can have him do something far worse. Perhaps he turns the planet and all its life and the very planet itself into lifeless unbreakable metal with his sheer power alone. His planet-wide genocide to be evidenced forever. He literally killed all these people on the molecular level and left them in this COMPLETELY UNREVERSABLE state FOREVER as evidence of his power. That way you can have a heart-renching scene of Sadiki seeing visiting his homeworld and seeing his people. Mabe his battle with Supernova can take place on his old planet.

Dude, I totally agree, which is why my old draft is in the garbage. It was lame & although a few people thought it was good, I always knew better. That's exactly why I haven't rewritten the first saga, I'm still trying to come up with something really good.

That was another flaw, I made him too damn perfect. I was thinking of making him not being able to control his anger too good.

I don't know, I wanted them to be a really barbaric race that really goes through a lot of changes. Do you think they should change appearances a couple of times before looking like humans? What would be some good ways I can make them a lot more different than humans?

That's the thing, I wanted Sadiki's race to be extinguished, except for him & his father. It'd be dumb in my eyes to have a lot of Xerekians running around because then that'd make people think "Why doesn't he just go back to his home planet if he misses it so much?" I want to make Sadiki be one of the last Xerekians & I want to start with him young & end with him being an adult. To be honest, I was being to make Sadiki like Gohan, if you hadn't noticed. I want to make him really different than both Goku, Gohan, or any other manga character. I almost decided to make him arrogant & totally independent but I don't think that's how any main character should be.

 

[Ultra-Herald9]

With the unbreakable statue idea you can have the weight of having his race destroyed(because the were) yet at the same time you can have even more weight in the fact that his homeworld is still out there on display almost taunting him.




You know what, I think I'll post the idea's for my old comic also, that way we can help eachother out.

 

[The Joker_1000]

Really, the whole idea was for him to basically be the last of his kind & by being that, he learns from the mistakes of his race which was trying to go for galactic domination.

Btw, I forgot to comment about the powers. I wanted to focus mainly on super-strength & I'll also be using powers such as fire & electricity. I don't want the characters to just have all out brawls, I want to make some memorable fights that aren't just brawls. I'd really like to incorporate as much usage of martial arts as possible.

 

[Red]

Wrong section for DBZ fan fiction.

http://forums.superherohype.com/forumdisplay.php?f=36

 

[The Joker_1000]

How about you be a good little boy & leave this thread?

Another major thing I disliked about this was how similar it is to the Namek/Freeza saga. I'll probably change it & have Supernova come to Earth as opposed to them traveling through space to find him.

 

[Victarion]

Have you ever played the Jak and Daxter games? One thing you could do with ki energy that would be cool is maybe find a way to weaponize it in automatic weapons like guns. Perhaps the Xerek people could be the only ones who still use this ki energy as raw power like in DBZ while some other group uses the ki in a focused form...

You could really reflect the Civil War here. If there are any Southerners on here aside from myself, I appologize in advance if I offend you. Now then:

Perhaps some race tries to bring order to the Xerekians in the way the North wanted to take the country in a different direction than the South did. There you have a basic conflict. Be careful though, sounds like the PT for Star Wars.


---Morzan

 

[The Joker_1000]

These ideas may be used in some type of form or another but for the most part I have it all planned out. One thing you are definitely going to see is the destruction of the Earth. And once it's gone, it won't be returning.

 

[Red]

How about you be a good little boy & leave this thread?

Are you watching carefully?

 

[The Joker_1000]

Yeah, that's nice. Now stop before you get reported for spamming.

I have another comic book idea which is inspired by Transformers. Basically, these aliens invade another group of aliens planet & are looking for an object that, in the wrong hands, could destroy the entire universe. However, in case you're wondering, none of the aliens are actually robots. Anyway, the name of the villain is Thrax but I can't seem to come up with a good name for my heroes. Any suggestions are more than welcome & any ideas on what the characters could look like are more than welcome as well.

Btw, as far as powers go, once they enter Earth's atmosphere is when they gain powers & it's because of Earth's atmosphere that they gain powers.

 

[The Joker_1000]

Well, as far as updates go for this story, my main hero's name is Axe & the main villain's name is Thrax. I originally wanted to make them robotic organisms but they'll be flesh & blood organisms who later get robotic DNA imbedded into their own DNA which allows them to transform any part of their body into a robot arm, leg, weapon, etc. for an ulimited amount of time.