Society's idea of family is stupid and should go away. Anyone else?

[Shikamaru]

Since every year someone makes an "I hate Christmas" thread on how they have to put up with their relatives, I thought I should make this.

I hate our society's perception of family. However, I don't mean by that what you might think I mean. I have no problem with marriage, having kids, visiting parents/grandparents for Christmas, etc.

What I mean is this tribalistic idea of "the pack" - where everyone has to stick together for some arbitrary reason determined before your birth (usually blood), where constructive criticism of its members is discouraged (which happens in no other social group), where the "us vs. them" mentality is promoted in regards to other humans. I find the the stronger those characteristics are:

1. The more groupthink there is within the family.

• The less empathy there is towards other people.

Really, why do we let the ***hole uncle or bigoted grandma get away with so much "because they're family"? Why do some of us spend all year avoid the family members we hate only to feel obligated to give them first priority when stuff goes down? Why do we demonize those who say they don't love their parents and just assume everyone had a loving mother/father? Why didn't the adoption taboo go away until relatively recently in human history? And then there's the third cousin you saw twice in your life, who everyone expects you to donate to his cause "cuz he's family". It's Orwellian to the very core.

And everytime you try to bring this up, there's always that *****ebag who goes "Oh, you don't love your parents?" "Oh, you don't want your wife and kids?" Because hating a social structure is the same thing as hating the individuals within that structure.

So is financial stability the answer to all this? If so, what exactly would happen to the ***hole uncle (just an example) if technology ever advances to a point where financial stability is no longer an issue? What if, for example, everyone has a robot working for them 100 years from now?

In more primitive times it made sense - hell, even in primitive times people still lived in larger communities - but there's so much more we know now about the science of human bonding. We no longer live in tribes, but in complex societies. We know family bonding has less to do with blood and more to do with experience and what titles like "mother" "father" "brother" emphasize to you. We know every single organism on this planet traces back to a single root, and are all made of the same matter. We know vulnerability brings people together, to the point two people taking care of each other at Ground Zero could potentially trigger a lifelong friendship. Finally, we know there's a correlation between more more intelligent/open-minded and being less callous towards the human race.

So isn't it about time we changed our definition of "family" and "loved ones" to something a little different? Maybe a little more humanitarian? Maybe something a little more open to those not in "the pack"?

At the very least can we stop pretending it's "wrong" to not care for some family members, or act like it's a crime when the gay community tries to form their own "family of choice" after being rejected by their homophobic kin?

Can someone walk me through the logical answers for those questions? Or hell, maybe I should wait till next Christmas to get a more passionate reaction out of ya.

 

[Greens]

Picture this situation:

You have a brother. Your brother finds himself a girl, gets married, becomes a father. All this time, you and your parents, maybe even your SO aren't particularly fond of this girl your brother married. In a perfect world you would never have to speak to her again. Do you shun her? Do you shut her out of your life? No, because you don't want to do that to your brother. We all do things we don't like to make the people we care about happy.

Obviously this little story doesn't cover every issue that could arise, but it's a common predicament people find themselves in.

You're not WRONG, but emotion and tradition trump reason most of the time.

 

[KevanG]

The idea of families aren't going anywhere since it's ingrained in our primal psychology to find a group and mesh with them. It's why solitary confinement is such a bad thing.

Should we be more inclusive to people and less about what's the 'right thing' to view a family as? Sure. Will it change quickly? It already has but there are a huge amount of places world wide that refuse to even give it a chance.

I don't see anything wrong with ditching family members that are toxic to the rest but the psychological connection isn't something that can be broken that easily. If you have a group that has more empathy that smarts then they an be the type that will get burned over and over again trying to help the jackass that steals their stuff for drug money because he's 'family'. Then you have the nuts that excommunicate/murder the family members that bring 'shame' to the family.

Humans are wired weird. Sometimes we need an outside source to tell us enough is enough and then we snap out of it.

 

[Kyle]

Agree and disagree. Family is those that have been there for you. I'm a guy with multiple parents lol. Kinda messed up in that sense. I love Tony Stark's line of Peter wearing his need for a father figure on his sleeve in Civil War because I relate to that a lot. I have my adoptive family who I love because they took me in and cared for me all my life. I have my biological family who I yearn to know because I feel some connection to them despite never knowing them. And I view those who have been there for me a lot as father or mother type figures in my life. Easiest way to put this is I see family and don't see family like a lot do because I never had the classic definition of it. Never had blood involved really when it came to learning that term. Mentors are like parents, friends are couisns and really close friends are brothers/siblings. Don't know how to see it any other way.

 

[Shikamaru]

I should be slightly more clear then.

When I say "family", I don't mean anything in the "family is what you make of it" sense. I'm referring more to the traditional structure as we know it. Think about people I discussed in the third and fourth groups.

It might seem silly to bring that up in 2016, but I think we underestimate the extent to which it exists. I brought up how the gay and abused communities are demonized for not loving the same people that hurt them in daily conversations. My own dad doesn't believe there's such thing as a parent not loving their child, even in extreme circumstances (he blames abuse cases on mental illnesses).

Then even in the cases of adopted children, where the social taboo was only lifted in recent years, we still say to biological siblings to "take care of each other, you have the same blood". The intention might be good, but the message itself is still damaging on the macro scale.

 

[Donner]

I think it runs much deeper than blood. Your family has a genetic connection to you and it's impossible not to see familial resemblances, whether in mannerisms, voice, physical features, etc. I think people are more or less drawn to those that are like them and family is, genetically speaking, the closest thing you have to yourself. I think that's why twins are always so eerily similar and close. I think at the end of the day, you feel a loyalty to family because they are a part of you. To deny family is to deny oneself.


That being said, I don't blame those that are estranged because they obviously have their reasons for it. But I do believe that anyone estranged from family members has a desire for reconciliation. Whether that is a natural thing or because of societal pressure concerning the "family", I don't know.


The funny thing that I've noticed is that people outside of the family are frustrated when someone defends a member of their family, regardless of the circumstances, but are quick to judge them for their lack of loyalty if they didn't defend them. I've had that happen to me before regarding my brother. If you don't defend family members, your friends are less likely to think you would defend them. Maybe that's where all of this comes from.

 

[JimThompson]

Humans are by their nature herd creatures. Typically they feel safest and happiest when they are part of and accepted by a herd. Shoot, the way different communities have popped up via the Internet goes some ways to demonstrating that. Part of that is probably due to the way we come into the world -- as part of some sort of group that cares for and protects us until we are strong enough to do so on our own.

 

[C. Lee]

Can someone walk me through the logical answers for those questions? Or hell, maybe I should wait till next Christmas to get a more passionate reaction out of ya.

Logical answer is....if you don't like them and don't like being around them....then stay away from them. If you don't go to your uncle's birthday party or the family Thanksgiving dinner.....the cops will not hunt you down and arrest you for it. See the people you want to see....don't see the ones you don't.

 

[Golgo-13]

Humans are by their nature herd creatures. Typically they feel safest and happiest when they are part of and accepted by a herd. Shoot, the way different communities have popped up via the Internet goes some ways to demonstrating that. Part of that is probably due to the way we come into the world -- as part of some sort of group that cares for and protects us until we are strong enough to do so on our own.

This. Even us loners, such as myself, at times crave socializing with others. It takes a lot of time and effort to successfully raise a child into adult hood; that path is much more successful if done in a family environment, so socializing is merely a survival tactic that many animals (yes, we are still animals) have successfully adopted and recognize.

Those family gatherings that some of us hate, serve a 'survival purpose'. By getting close to certain family members you increase your chances of someone coming to your aid if you ever need help, etc...

 

[TheBat812]

This. Even us loners, such as myself, at times crave socializing with others. It takes a lot of time and effort to successfully raise a child into adult hood; that path is much more successful if done in a family environment, so socializing is merely a survival tactic that many animals (yes, we are still animals) have successfully adopted and recognize.

Those family gatherings that some of us hate, serve a 'survival purpose'. By getting close to certain family members you increase your chances of someone coming to your aid if you ever need help, etc...

Along those lines, even the 'lone wolf shooters' have felt deep senses of community and care for other shooters, even idealizing them because they felt a kinship to them.

 

[chaseter]

Eat your family. Gain their powers.