Story Idea??

[donaldthe3rd]

Hey everyone, its been awhile since I've been on the fan fiction & films forums. I've always had this dream of writing a book, the first of a series, and have been working on it over the past school year, and before I go any further I need to know what people think of it so far. This is just a summary and note that I do plan on making big changes to it and I still am not finished:

Good and evil have been astir since the dawn of time, but when forces of evil grow darker than the pitch of night, the greater good must step forward. The dark lord and mutant, Lucifer, is at his death bed after his latest and most ruthless battle with long time rival and arch enemy, Merlin (only this name until another can be found to substitute it). As his last wish he has three clones produced from his DNA. One of the body. One of the mind. And the last, Raymond Watson, who was the spirit, or to be precise half of the spirit.
Wielding only half of the spiritual power and half of the soul of the dreaded Lucifer, Raymond is adopted and raised from infancy by a couple who had fought in the great battle. Only later in his teenage years is he confronted by Lucifer's followers, the Lucifists, who have been searching for him for years to use him and the other two clones to join together and form their former master, but not withouth the help of the Shaitan board. The only weegee board capable of bringing the other half of their long lost leaders soul back from the afterlife.
With the help of his friends, Robert (a wizard) and John (a mutant), Raymond rebels the Lucifists and studies under Merlin in the ways of magic and to help hone his powers. Sending him and his friends around the world on a spell binding and exhilierating adventure as they do their best to keep the Lucifists from reaching their gruesome goal. Ressurecting the living form of evil...Lucifer

 

[wellsy]

Hmmm...

I can't really say much on the concept. The idea of your story is not that innovative (I'm talking story here, not the background, so your last paragraph). I see elements of Merlin (with Sam Neil in the title role), and I would really like to see you work on the idea a lot more.

However, I'd like to see him tackle these things a bit more on his own, as opposed to having two side-kicks around all the time (they can be other apprentices of Merlin perhaps, and aren't as hostile as the rest. Don't forget, Raymond's soul is half of Lucifer's, and while he doesn't want to be that person, Lucifer is a part of him).

Certainly, there's plenty there, and with a bit more thought, you'll have a very good concept to launch yourself with.

EDIT: Also, I forgot to mention, but given the names your using and the feel that you're looking for, I'd recommend you also read up on your occult, legends and theology. Understanding the origins and meanings of the names of your characters, as well as magic runes, alchemical symbols, swords, etc, can really lend another sense of depth to the story.

 

[donaldthe3rd]

Hmmm...

I can't really say much on the concept. The idea of your story is not that innovative (I'm talking story here, not the background, so your last paragraph). I see elements of Merlin (with Sam Neil in the title role), and I would really like to see you work on the idea a lot more.

However, I'd like to see him tackle these things a bit more on his own, as opposed to having two side-kicks around all the time (they can be other apprentices of Merlin perhaps, and aren't as hostile as the rest. Don't forget, Raymond's soul is half of Lucifer's, and while he doesn't want to be that person, Lucifer is a part of him).

Certainly, there's plenty there, and with a bit more thought, you'll have a very good concept to launch yourself with.

EDIT: Also, I forgot to mention, but given the names your using and the feel that you're looking for, I'd recommend you also read up on your occult, legends and theology. Understanding the origins and meanings of the names of your characters, as well as magic runes, alchemical symbols, swords, etc, can really lend another sense of depth to the story.

Thanks. I really need this help!

 

[Metamorpho1977]

I always had this idea for a werewolf story set in the old west. Instead of just one, though, it's a pack of them, and during the day, they are bank robbers like the jesse james gang. the posse goes after them at night, and this particular night, happens to be a full moon. I've been working under the title "Full Moon Showdown". The feel is somewhere between Lost Boys/Dog Soldiers/From Dusk til Dawn.

 

[Harlekin]

This isn't going to come off rude, but it probably is, but why not just call your main character 'Harry Potter'? From what you've shown of the concept, it has some startling similarities.

 

[donaldthe3rd]

This isn't going to come off rude, but it probably is, but why not just call your main character 'Harry Potter'? From what you've shown of the concept, it has some startling similarities.

Cuz hes not an orhpan, a wizard, a student of a magical school, doesn't have glasses or a lightning shaped scar. In this book he hardly even uses magic and in the next one (when I get around to writing it) he'll give it up (due to certain reasons)
But I see what your saying, I' am trying to keep it away from the Harry Potter scenario.

 

[Harlekin]

Obviously, I wasn't talking about the surface characteristics, but either way, I'd ditch the whole magic angle if you're not going to use it. If you've got your first book revolving around him learning magic and then have him give it up in the next book, well, then it was all pretty useless.

 

[donaldthe3rd]

Obviously, I wasn't talking about the surface characteristics, but either way, I'd ditch the whole magic angle if you're not going to use it. If you've got your first book revolving around him learning magic and then have him give it up in the next book, well, then it was all pretty useless.

Hmmm true, but there are still many other characters that dwell into magic. What should become of them?

 

[donaldthe3rd]

Also I shouldn't say he gives it up indefinatley, he does keep practicing it, but prefers not to rely on it in battle feeling he isn't strong enough in the arts and doesn't want to risk any lives because he isnt strong enough or skilled enough.

 

[Harlekin]

So essentially, his training in magic has no use since he doesn't use it.

Look up 'Chekov's gun' on wikipedia.

 

[donaldthe3rd]

So essentially, his training in magic has no use since he doesn't use it.

Look up 'Chekov's gun' on wikipedia.

So far it looks that way, but remember he still has his powers that are blooming and hes learning to hone them more and more. As for him having no use with magic anymore since he doesn't use it, that may very well change when writing.

 

[Harlekin]

Eh, I'd just ditch the magic altogether, seeing as you're going for a pretty 'scientific' thing already with the clones and the mutants.

 

[wellsy]

Harlekin, science fantasy does exist, and it can work. I'm not too fazed by the idea of using elements of both. Oh, and by your standards, Luke Skywalker should be renamed Harry Potter too - there are several common narratives. That's why I said it wasn't very innovative in terms of story. However, the best of these common narratives really nails the characters.

And Donald, why not instead of him using magic a lot, have him use some of it, along with a set of magic items that could consist of a sword, a pistol, an amulet of protection (perhaps only against elemental attacks), and perhaps a few others too. He can use magic to hover in mid-air and stuff, but I'm also a bit ambivalent about him learning magic only to throw it away. Perhaps when he uses magic, the part of Lucifer's soul that is within him awakens and takes control (or something like that).

If you've got a few chapters done, I'd love to have a look.

 

[Harlekin]

I'm aware that science fantasy exist, but based on what I've seen, magic doesn't really add a lot to the story and personally, leads to an easy Harry Potter comparison. For that matter, I don't agree with your Luke Skywalker example. Naturally, there are some narrative similarities. Those naturally exist and especially the 'chosen one' scenario is a common used one.

In this case though, I can name several, to me obvious links between the characters of Lucifer and Voldemort/Raymond and Harry.

 

[donaldthe3rd]

Eh, I'd just ditch the magic altogether, seeing as you're going for a pretty 'scientific' thing already with the clones and the mutants.

Yeah your probably right, it wasn't gonna be a huuuge part of the story anyways.

 

[donaldthe3rd]

I'm aware that science fantasy exist, but based on what I've seen, magic doesn't really add a lot to the story and personally, leads to an easy Harry Potter comparison. For that matter, I don't agree with your Luke Skywalker example. Naturally, there are some narrative similarities. Those naturally exist and especially the 'chosen one' scenario is a common used one.

In this case though, I can name several, to me obvious links between the characters of Lucifer and Voldemort/Raymond and Harry.

Just wondering if you could show me these obvious links between Lucifer and Voldemort and Raymond and Harry?

 

[Harlekin]

Voldemort/Lucifer is dying and his essence is divided over a number of entities, including Harry/Raymond. Harry/Raymond's parents die, and they are adopted. When they hit puberty, the forces of evil come calling: the Lucifists/Death Eaters. To teach Harry/Raymond the skills necessary, he only who could fight Voldemort/Lucifer trains. In their fight against evil, Harry/Raymond are assisted by two friends. They must fight the Lucifists across the world and hope to stop them before they can ressurect Voldemort/Lucifer.

Not all of those match up so well, and these obviously pertain to mostly the latter half of the Potter series, but these stood out to me. I'm not saying they're valid, but if I'm thinking it, I wouldn't be surprised if other people think the same.

Also, I have to wonder, why is your main bad guy called Lucifer?

 

[wellsy]

Lucifer - God's greatest Angel, who was also the one who led a rebellion of Angels against Him. He was, of course defeated, and was cast out of Heaven with a third of the Heavenly Host. He is also known as Satan, Belzeebub (sp?), among other names.

But like I said Donald, given Raymond's creation, I'd say that his comrades are only with him grudgingly, a much more interesting dynamic than the Harry-Ron-Hermoine triangle.

 

[Harlekin]

I know who Lucifer is. I wondered why he would call his main bad guy Lucifer. Is there some connection to Hell or fire or angels?

 

[donaldthe3rd]

I know who Lucifer is. I wondered why he would call his main bad guy Lucifer. Is there some connection to Hell or fire or angels?

There was. Lucifer was intended to play the role of the devil, Raymond was still to be his clone. At the time, Raymond was an atheist and at the end of his journey he found faith.

 

[donaldthe3rd]

Voldemort/Lucifer is dying and his essence is divided over a number of entities, including Harry/Raymond. Harry/Raymond's parents die, and they are adopted. When they hit puberty, the forces of evil come calling: the Lucifists/Death Eaters. To teach Harry/Raymond the skills necessary, he only who could fight Voldemort/Lucifer trains. In their fight against evil, Harry/Raymond are assisted by two friends. They must fight the Lucifists across the world and hope to stop them before they can ressurect Voldemort/Lucifer.

Not all of those match up so well, and these obviously pertain to mostly the latter half of the Potter series, but these stood out to me. I'm not saying they're valid, but if I'm thinking it, I wouldn't be surprised if other people think the same.

Also, I have to wonder, why is your main bad guy called Lucifer?

True, but Harry is adopted by family, where as Raymond is adopted by complete strangers out of guilt probably. Harry is a wizard and Raymond isn't. But keep in mind that this is only the first book, and after this alot is gonna change with Raymond, physically, mentally, emotionally.