A new Renegade

donaldthe3rd

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I've done over Renegade, changing the story of how he became a superhero and his powers. I'll continue to change him for the better if necessary but till then just give me some feed back if you will:


Real Name--Raymond Jewls. Jr
Aliases--none
Identity--Secret
Occupation--none
Citizenship--Canadian
Place of Birth--St. John, New Brunswick
Known Relatives--Raymond Jewls. Sr (Father), Jessica Jewls(mother), Michael Jewls(brother)(a.k.a Timber), Clinton Jewls(brother)
Group Affiliation--None
Education--Still a high school student

Height--5'10
Weight--150 lbs
Eyes--Brown
Hair--Black

Powers--Has two bone-like claws that he can release from the back of each hand. Extra sensory allows him to sense other beings around him. Telepath and telekinetic. Flight.

Abilities--Excellent artist and works well with his hands.

Born and raised in Saint John, New Brunswick of Canada, Raymond Jewls grew up in the average Canadian home. Two loving, caring parents and two brothers, one older and one younger. While growing up Raymond found it hard to get a handle on his anger issues. He would get into fights at school which led to bigger problems but he soon went to counseling which helped get in control of his temper. Though besides his anger he found it no problem to fit in with other teenagers at his high school. One day at his high school, he was in class as usual when terror had struck. An announcement had come on to the class rooms stating that a masked man had entered the school with a gun. It was clear to Raymond that this man was anti-mutant. His school had a great number of students that had left the school due to being a mutant and not wanting to co-exist with the normal human beings in fear of violence, discrimination and other reasons.
Struck with fear Raymond followed their routine they had practiced for emergencies like these. Raymond and the other students quietly left their seat to sit by the wall by the door so that the masked terrorist would not see them. When all was thought to be well the window in the door was shattered by the terrorist‘s hand. Screams broke the silence and alerted the man to further investigate the classroom. The door then was broken down and he stepped inside. Immediately his eyes met with the students who sat quiet and frightened of what he would do next. He looked at them all slowly to see which he thought of to be a mutant then quickly without warning lifted a student off of the ground and held the student tightly against him with his gun pointed directly at the student. Raymond thought quickly about what he would do then stood up over his peers staring up to the large masked man. There was a short hesitation but Raymond begged to the man to let the student go. The man once again without warning raised his gun to Raymond and shot him in the arm.
Raymond fell to the floor not dead but seriously injured. But that all seemed to leave him as fast as it came to him. Now he was angry. Very angry. Raymond forced himself off of the ground though still injured but not showing any signs of pain. Raymond now met the eyes of the terrorist who had now let go of the student and found himself facing a true mutant. Raymond then almost let out a howl of pain and fell to the floor. Blood seeped from the back of his hand as two long, rounded bone-like claws freed themselves from his arms. Now with a hatred for the terrorist Raymond jumped at him plunging his new found claws deep into the terrorists chest. As his bloody body hit the floor it cam to Raymond’s mind of what he had just done. His anger was gone and in it’s place was terror and pain. His body was healing itself and his head ached terribly. He felt as if his head was going off like a fire alarm and he couldn’t take it anymore. Raymond raced out of the room leaving behind him a trail of blood where he had been. Police flooded the school as soon as Raymond left. They brought with them ambulances and fire fighters. When the police came to Raymond’s classroom they found the still horror stricken students confronted by the body of their would-be killer. Raymond made his way to the outside of the school, his clothes covered in blood and torn by his strange transformation.
Confused and frightened he left for his home leaving the bloody massacre behind him. On his short way home he came to a small bridge which passed over a river. Raymond still thinking of the tragedy back at the school, which by now would be filled with news reporters, waked off of the sidewalk and into the on-coming traffic. A car sped towards him and when the driver had seen him, swerved off of the road, breaking the guard rail sending the car into the river. Raymond ran to the scene of what he had caused. The car was slowly filling up full of the cold winter water of the river.
Not able to bare watching the people inside of the car die, and having the deaths of more on his hands. Raymond dove out into the river after the car in hopes of their survival. The car was almost full of water by the time he had finally got to the bottom. There was only a man inside and he seemed to Raymond to be unconscious. Raymond smashed at the window with his feet in desperate attempt to save him. The window broke easily pouring water into the semi filled car. Raymond pulled the man out of the car easily and brought him back to the dry land. When Raymond finally carried the driver back to the road, the ambulance and police had arrived and took custody of the driver. The ambulance workers told Raymond that the driver was alive and only suffering from hypothermia. The police awarded Raymond with a medal and he found himself on the front of the local new paper.
But still only he knew of what had become of him. That he had killed that terrorist back at the school and nearly killed that driver. Still only he knew what he had become. A mutant. As the following weeks passed Raymond discovered what other people just like him had done with their mutations. They saved people everyday, but hid themselves with brand names and costumes. Raymond gave it a thought of himself being a hero like that, then remembered the day when he had saved the driver from drowning and saved all of his school mates from the terrorist. He remembered what it felt like to be a hero. To save a life from the hands of death. Accept him or not he would be there to save those in danger. That day Raymond chose a path that would open doors for him in the future. He adopted the name Renegade and fitted himself with a red and black costume. And from that day on Renegade continued to save lives from the danger that found them. And finally felt what it meant to be a hero.
 
He still sounds like Wolverine too much. The healing factor, the animalistic nature, the heightened senses, the healing factor, the Canadian heritage, having to deal with anti-mutant sentiment,.

The only thing different is the telepathy, which another one of your heroes already has and he's is much, much better.
 
hippie_hunter said:
He still sounds like Wolverine too much. The healing factor, the animalistic nature, the heightened senses, the healing factor, the Canadian heritage, having to deal with anti-mutant sentiment,.

The only thing different is the telepathy, which another one of your heroes already has and he's is much, much better.

I dont remember putting healing, factor, animalistic nature and heightened senses in there :S
 
donaldthe3rd said:
I dont remember putting healing, factor, animalistic nature and heightened senses in there :S

Powers--Two retractable bone claws at the back of each hand.
Minimum Healing Factor.

Extra sensory allows him to sense other life forms around him, and upcoming danger.

That good enough for you. It still sounds like a carbon copy of Wolverine with telepathy. I say do a complete overhaul like you did for the Hornet.
 
I agree with hippie hunter, the guy still sounds a lot like Wolvie. You might wanna just scrap the idea and start from scratch, get all the Marvel and DC comic characters out of your mind while your at it.
 

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