I was born in 1981, so I missed
Superman and
Superman II. When
Superman III came out, I was 2. So I missed that too. When
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace came out, I was 6, so I could have gone to see that, I suppose, but it just never happened. In retrospect, I'm glad I didn't. Can you even imagine how disappointing it would be to see Superman on the big screen for the first time and for the movie to be crap? Oh ... wait ... I can. Because I went to see
Superman Returns.
When I first heard that Bryan Singer was directing, I was excited. I'd loved
The Usual Suspects,
X-Men, and
X2. About a year before Brandon Routh was officially announced as Superman, I entered "Clark Kent" into Google image search, saw the picture of him dressed up as Clark/Supes at that Halloween party, and said to myself, "There's the Man of Steel." Unfortunately, there was no one around at the time to hear my amazing prediction.
A year later, Routh is announced, and I'm kicking myself thinking, "Why in the HELL could I not have said that in public? S***!" Anyway, I wasn't quite sure what to expect. Was it gonna be a reboot? A sequel? A sequel set in some alternate timeline without any introduction to these new versions of the characters? Then, I got my answer.
Superman III and
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace were being erased. This new movie would be a new
Superman III. I thought, "Great, I hated those anyway." Then ... the bad vibes started.
"Vague history" ... oh boy, this doesn't sound good. Either it is or it isn't a sequel, it can't be both. What the hell does "vague history" mean? Then, that first shot of Routh as Superman showed up. In case any of you have been to see Dr. Mierzwiak since then, here's a reminder,
*Shudders*.
But, I tried my best to just brush my worries aside, go to the cinema, and enjoy the movie. Try as I might, I failed, miserably.
I don't think I have ever been more insulted in a cinema than I was by this particular shot right here,
*Shudders*.
If I'd had any popcorn, I'd have thrown up in it. Having said that, the CG Superman, IMO, put in a better performance than Brandon Routh. Maybe I'm being unfair. Maybe it was just his lack of experience. Or maybe it was that godawful script that gave him hardly any lines to speak. But either way, if he wanted to blow me away with his performance, he should have brought a giant electric fan ... from Krypton ... get it? ... Superfan? ... Ah, never mind. And Superman's character. Christ, give me a Bible to fill on Superman's character. Abandons his elderly mother to the lecherous advances of Ben Hubbard for five years, all of whose scenes, BTW, were cut out. Now there's a well-earned paycheck. Abandons Lois for five years after having slept with her. Slept with her when, BTW? Don't even get me started on all the headache-inducing timeline inconsistencies. Abandons the entire PLANET for five years. And then, when he pops up again, he's welcomed by a thunderous round of applause. I'd have thrown Kryptonite eggs at him. Oh, and lest we forget, the psycho stalking and eavesdropping. Yeah, real super.
Kate Bosworth was 23 when Superman Returns came out. 23. 23. ... 23. Whose bright idea was it to cast a 23 year old as a seasoned investigative reporter for the greatest newspaper on Earth? Noel Neill, 27. Phyllis Coates, ... OK, she was 24 ... but she looked older. Margot Kidder, 30. Teri Hatcher, 28. Even Erica Durance was 26 by the time she first appeared in
Smallville. And I'm supposed to buy a 23 year old who, IMO, looks 18, and who's being forced to wear a wig that makes her look like a femme fatale from a Humphrey Bogart movie, and that makes her hairline look as if it's receding faster than Patrick Stewart's. Oh, and what's with treating Clark like crap she's just stepped in? And what's with treating her boyfriend of the last five years like crap she's just stepped in? And what's with bringing her 5 year old son into a potentially fatal situation? So she believes the 80 year old woman who owns the boat brought about that disastrous earthquake all on her own? And even if she did, for all Lois actually KNOWS, there could be ANYone on that boat!
.
Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor. Fine. I didn't think his performance was bad. Although he may have looked a little bored on occasion. But the character was scripted horribly, IMO. Superman was rebooted in the comics in 1986, and 20 years later what do we get? A Luthor based on a film version from 1978, only not as much fun. Oh, and Lex, that land you just took out of the oven? Ya might wanna try actually building something on it. I think you'll find out the hard way that it's not exactly what anyone sober would call prime real estate.
Frank Langella as Perry White ...
... oh, I'm sorry, I nodded off there for a moment.
Finally, that was a fabulously epic battle with the supervillain at the end, wasn't it?
Oops, sorry, wrong movie.
Well, I think I'll let a very good friend of ours here at the Hype sum up my opinion of
Superman Returns in three very aptly chosen words,
