"Take off that damned mask, Sick Boy!" Byrd Man said, patrolling the city as usual. "What's that, Byrd Man?" His young ward asked, leaping from rooftop to rooftop, a crimson, horned mask hiding his identity. "I can't seem to hear you over your vow for lent." "Just you wait, Sick Boy. Wait until I'm free of this pesky religious burden." "You're right, Byrd Man. I should stop being a jerk because I believe that a giant, all-powerful bearded man in the sky will be mad at me if I don't keep a promise I made to him." "You know Chuck Norris too?" Byrd Man asked, landing skillfully next to his crime-fighting partner, keeping pace with him easily. "Oh, ha-ha." Sick Boy said, obviously defeated. He quietly changed the subject as he ran along with his mentor. "Why is my name Sick Boy, anyway? I mean... I have powers... sorta. I'm agile and strong. How does that make me a 'Sick Boy?'" The rooftop ended abruptly ahead of the team. Byrd Man spread his arms, extending his armored wings and effortlessly rose into the sky, as Sick Boy sprinted off of the rooftop, fearlessly diving for the street. "Well, my young and dimwitted friend," Byrd Man replied as he flapped his wings mightly and only managed to fly across the small gap in between buildings. "I chose that name because of your ability to develop terminal illness and be healed of said illness within weeks." Byrd Man flaps his wings once more and lands on a chimney. "Oh, and I also found those Playgirls under you mattress." As Byrd Man watched his partner's acrobatics, Sick Boy wrapped his bare hands around a flag pole jutting out of the steel frame of the skyscraper he had leaped from. He spun on the pole, gaining moment, and threw himself into the air, barely managing to land on a window washing station on a nearby building. "First of all," Sick Boy said, sprinting along the window washing platform and leaping onto a fire escape. "the magazine is called "Jugs" and it's a tasteful, erotic publication that is the cornerstone of the drugstore pornographic market." "And secondly," He said, as he pulled himself to the rooftop with Byrd Man, "why were you in my part of the apartment at all?" "I uh, I needed to borrow some of your condoms...I had a hot date with this superhero. Calls herself Supergirl. We were having a good time, things got hot and heavy and then I reached down a found out her secret identity...." The Byrd Man swallowed hard and looked at his ward. "His name is Green Lantern. He likes to dress up like Supergirl." Sick Boy stopped dead in his tracks. "A DUDE?! You had a date... a 'hot and heavy' date... with a DUDE?!" He clutched his side as he fell to his knees laughing. "Consider us even for when I invited that Blacklight guy from the east side to our weekly poker game." The Byrd Man broods and looks at his young partner. "Yes, that bastard is still calling and knocking on the door. I can't get him to leave us alone!" "I know... He sent me a box in the mail... I'm scared to open it." Suddenly, a scream echoes through the night and the two heroes look at each other. "Sounds like a woman in trouble. I might be able to get some if we save her! Let's go!" With business as usual dragging on, Sick Boy kept pace easily with his winged partner, his Daredevil mask reflecting the lights from nearby apartments. "You're only interested in getting some if the woman actually has a wiener!" "And clear skin. I can't stand to see a he/she with a pimple." Byrd Man leaps, and by some sheer luck, manages to glide through the air and in front of a junkie mugging a young woman. "Step down, punk." He growls with his body in a defensive stance. Leaping silently from the rooftop, Sick Boy lands on the pavement behind the criminal. "Don't make him hurt you." He says, pointing to Byrd. "I heard he's rough in the sack." The snicker on his face is unmistakable as his fist meets the thug's jawline. The grunt stumbles into a brick wall, slamming face first into the surface, knocking two of his teeth to the ground. Byrd Man plants his hand on the man's jacket and carelessly heaves him to the floor. As he rolled onto his back, his face bruised and cut, the thug drew a gun and pointed it at Byrd Man's chest. In his signature sarcastic snarl, Sick Boy's eyes darted to the Bird in Blue. "This could be serious, Byrd." The young ward whispered. "Like... AIDS serious." The Bogus Byrd Man chuckled. "Was that a reference to anyone we know?" "I'm sure it was, but we can't waste our witty one-liners on this cheap thug." "You're wiser than you look, my young apprentice." The man on the ground arched an eyebrow as he watched the pair engage in witty banter. "Almost forgot about him." Byrd Man said, delivering a taloned kick to the man's groin. Sick Boy grimaced as the man vomited and clutched his nether regions. "Thank you boys so much." The elderly woman they had saved said. Byrd Man began to levitate in the air, spreading his wings. "All in a day's work, ma'am." "One more jerk taken to the cleaners, courtesy of The Bogus Byrd Man..." Sick Boy hopped forward in front of the woman. "And his young ward, Justice!" A swift slap on the back of his head signaled to Sick Boy that this wasn't the right thing to say. "His young ward, who?" "Sick Boy..." The boy muttered. "Louder." "Sick Boy." "Like you mean it!" "His young ward, Sick Boy!" With that, the two were once more on the rooftops, hurtling themselves through the night's sky. "Seriously, S.B. Justice? Justice? Is that how you've been raised?" "Better than touching Green Lantern's wang." There was an awkward silence between them. "You'd touch Daredevil's wang if you got the chance..." Byrd Man landed on a rooftop, leaning over the edge slightly and tapped a button on his armored forearm. A roar rang through the night and, from the clouds, a falcon-shaped jet ripped into the skyline, a trail of flame behind it. "Quickly, young ward! To the ByrdPlane." He said, suddenly taking a serious tone. The plane leveled off in front of the building and Byrd Man took the front seat. Taking his seat in the rear, Sick Boy muttered to himself. "At least I'm not a total rip-off on Daredevil." He grumbled. "You're a xerox of Harvey Bird Man." "We don't say his name around here..." The man said, angrily. "And, if you mention him again, I'll accidentally eject you from the back of this plane." The ByrdPlane eased its way into the sky, narrowly missing radio antennas and water towers. The elder of the pair held a radio in his hand and tapped the button on the side twice. "Niner, niner, Charlie omega victor." He said, disconnecting the radio. "What're you even saying?" "I dunno. I just say random numbers, names, and Greek letters into the radio." The jet surged forward, eventually landing on the rooftop of a massive skyscraper. "Quickly, young ward! To the ByrdCage!" The two hopped out of the plane, running along the rooftop at an unnecessarily dramatic and fast pace. "Why're we running?" Sick Boy asked, almost out of breath. "You never know when criminals will strike, my friend! That is the first rule of crime-fighting!" The door into the building flew open as the team made their way down a set of stairs, heading straight for their massive, multi-room penthouse. "HBO gets nasty in twenty minutes, doesn't it?" Sick Boy asked, the realization dawning on him. "Absolutely. I must prepare my lair." They barged into their apartment, Byrd Man stopping dramatically and glancing left and right. "Ever vigilant!" He yelled at nobody, before sprinting to his room and slamming the door. Sick Boy stood quietly before taking off his Daredevil mask and casting it lazily into a chair. "He gets nutty when it's porn time..." whispered the hero. He took care of all of the basic things that the apartment needed, as he heard "Foxy Lady" by Jimi Hendrix blasting from Byrd Man's room. He quietly made his way to the front door, locked it, and quietly ran his hand across the lettering on the glass window, heading to bed. The Offices of The Bogus Byrd Man and Sick Boy Professional Lawyers, Heroes, Dick-heads, and Sexual Deviants Walk-ins Welcome!