Vampires' night out

[The Demon's Head]

INT. CASTLE- DAY
We’re introduced to LESTER, a short, bald, middle-aged vampire. He’s sitting on arm-chair, and reading a copy of Stephen King’s “SALEM’S LOT”. His cellphone rings a couple of times, and he tries to ignore it. It keeps ringing as he turns the pages. Finally fed up, he picks up the phone and places it to his ear.

LESTER
This better be good.
(Beat)
Oh, C’mon. You’ve gotta be kidding me. Fine, I’ll be there.

And We-
INT. VAMPIRE BAR- DAY
We see Lester enter the crowded bar, as he notices three vampires seated next to one of the tables. A dark- haired vampire named ALBERT, an overweight vampire named Bob, and blonde vampire named JACK.

LESTER
The gang’s back together. Feels like old times, doesn’t it?

The waitress comes over to take his order. He looks at the guys, and then back at her.

WAITRESS
Can I get you anything, sir?

LESTER
Blood on the rocks, and a plate of bones.
BOB
(Under his breath)
Jesus, Lester-

LESTER
(Off Bob’s reaction)
What?

WAITRESS
We don’t serve blood anymore.

LESTER
(You’re kidding me)
You don’t serve blood? What the hell am I supposed to drink?

WAITRESS
(Covering)
I could get you some pig’s blood.

LESTER
No, forget it. Get me some Ginger Ale, and make it snappy.

She leaves. He turns back to the guys, and seems seriously pissed, while they’re mostly enjoying themselves. Bob notices his mood.

LESTER
You believe this ****? They don’t serve blood in a vampire bar.

BOB
What did you expect? Everything’s gone all PC. If they’d serve blood, place would get shut down. Then we’d have nowhere to hang.

LESTER
Yeah, but still-

BOB
Lester, you need to lighten up. Don’t spoil the mood.

The Waitress comes back with another round for the table, and Lester’s Ginger Ale. He drinks it, and watches as the rest of the vampires drink their beers, and some of them are getting drunk.

ALBERT
Y’know, guys, we should get together more often. None of us are getting any older.

BOB
Wish we could say the same about that joke, Al.

They all laugh, expect for Lester. He looks away, and seems disgusted until Jack calls him on it.

JACK
What’s with you?

LESTER
What’s with me? Do I really need to spell it out?

BOB
Les-

LESTER
We’ve become a joke.

ALBERT
(Clearly drunk)
A joke? I ain’t no damn joke. If you wana have a go-

BOB
Nobody’s saying you’re a joke, Al.

LESTER (CONT’D)
No, I’m talking about vampires. I mean, look at us. We’re pathetic. It wasn’t that long ago that we used to scare people. Ten year olds wet the bed because we gave them nightmares. Now? Kids are going to school with our faces on their lunch-boxes.
(Sighs)
Don’t get me started.

BOB
Actually, we’d really like you to stop.

LESTER
You think I’m the only one that feels this way? Hank, you should tell the guys what you told me.

HANK
(Clearly uncomfortable)
My kid asked me if it’s true that vampires twinkle. Said he heard it from one of the kids at school.

BOB
Dammit. I wish I could bite Stephanie Meyer.

LESTER
No wonder the Count doesn’t show his face anymore.

HANK
I heard Old Drac tried to stake himself.

BOB
Poor Mr. Hollywood. Excuse me if I don’t feel sorry for him.


LESTER
(Long beat. He finishes the drink.)
Maybe there’s something we could do.

BOB
Like what?


LESTER
I don’t know. But we need to remind people we’re not care-bears with fangs. We’re Monsters. Cold blooded, vicious animals.

ALBERT
Hell yeah.

JACK
Sounds like fun.

BOB
You’ve got a plan?

LESTER
Well, when in doubt, see the Count.

BOB
Are you insane? He’d have our heads.


LESTER
No, no he won’t.
(Beat)
I’ve got an idea.