AnorexicBatman
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http://www.the-editing-room.com/watchmen.html#more-916
Hurm. They are right. Unfortunately...
Still, great comic, great movie...
FADE IN:
INT. JEFFREY DEAN MORGANS APARTMENT
JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN watches his television, which is broadcasting what appears to be a ****** SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE SKETCH featuring impersonations of PAT BUCHANAN, JOHN MCLAUGHLIN, and RICHARD NIXON IF HE WAS MADE ENTIRELY OF MAKEUP.
JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN
Gosh, things sure have been an alternate 1985 ever since superheroes helped win the Vietnam War and Nixon was re-elected three times!
Suddenly, a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE breaks into the apartment, pummels JEFFREY, and forces himself to not utter a single sound so as to not give his identity away, despite the fact that JEFFREY seems to know it.
JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN
Wait! Dont kill me! I need to bleed onto my yellow smiley face button at an awkward angle so that the raging Watchmen fanbois in the audience are placated.
(bleeds)
Okay, ready.
RABID FANBOIS
Boo. The blood splatter is four degrees off.
The MYSTERIOUS FIGURE tosses JEFFREY out a window. This is done in SLOW MOTION, of course, because DIRECTOR ZACK SNYDER has the BRAIN OF A CHIMP.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY, wearing a mask made of AMAZON KINDLE ELECTRONIC INK, investigates JEFFREYS APARTMENT and discovers he was the masked vigilante THE COMEDIAN.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY (V.O.)
(growling)
Jackies Journal: A comedian died tonight. And Im not talking about a Carlos Mencia performance. Someone is going around killing masked heroes, and Im going to find out who sometime within the next three excruciating hours. Hope everyone went to the bathroom already.
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR
JACKIE meets up with PATRICK WILSON in his secret hideout.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Patrick, someone is killing superheros, so you should watch your back.
PATRICK WILSON
Any particular reason youre whispering as loudly as possible?
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
I just finished watching The Dark Knight. This is how superheroes talk, isnt it?
PATRICK WILSON
Fair enough. I pretty much stole my costume from that movie. Anyway, you dont have to worry about the superhero killer coming after me. I havent worn my superhero costume since masked vigilantism was outlawed in the totally alternate 1970s! Everything is so alternate here!
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
I know! And New Coke was never released after Pepsi got the superhero endorsement!
PATRICK WILSON
Ohmigod so alternate!
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Not to mention how Microsoft skipped over Windows 1.0 and went straight to Windows ME!
PATRICK WILSON
My mind is blown, holy **** alternate reality!
INT. RESEARCH FACILITY
JACKIE breaks into a MILITARY RESEARCH FACILITY to meet with BILLY CRUDUP and MALIN AKERMAN.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Hey. Nice to see you again, fellow superheroes.
MALIN AKERMAN
Fellow superheroes? The only one of us with any goddamn powers is Billy.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Thats not true. My mask changes patterns randomly for some reason, thats kind of like a power. And what about your power to still have a career after starring in The Heartbreak Kid?
BILLY CRUDUP
Enough chit-chat. I have very important work to do with this nuclear something-or-other. What do you want, Jackie?
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Honestly, theres nothing in the world I want more than for you to drape something over that big blue glowing penis of yours.
BILLY CRUDUP
If only you could perceive my big blue penis in four dimensions, as I do.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Yeah, that actually sounds like some kind of hell. Anyway, I came by to find out if you had any idea who was murdering Watchmen.
BILLY CRUDUP
Isnt it obvious? Zack Snyder.
JACKIE leaves to go do some brooding elsewhere while MALIN visits her mother, CARLA GUGINO.
INT. CARLA GUGINOS HOUSE
MALIN is teleported to her MOTHERS HOUSE.
MALIN AKERMAN
Mom, I came here to tell you that Jeffery Dean Morgan is dead.
CARLA GUGINO
Mom? Were like the same age. My old person makeup looks worse than Adam Sandlers from Click. Are people buying this?
MALIN AKERMAN
Did you hear me? That ******* The Comedian is dead. The guy that raped you! Thats right, RAPED! In a comic book movie! Because the one thing missing from Spiderman was some ****ING RAPE.
CARLA GUGINO
He wasnt so bad. He only raped me because it was such a simple way to establish that this comic book story is for adults.
MALIN AKERMAN
Mom, theres no such thing as comics for adults. There are just comics for kids and comics for kids that they have to hide from their parents because they contain drawings of boobs.
Meanwhile, various SUPERHEROES attend the funeral of JEFFREY DEAN MORGAN and treat the audience to a handful of flashbacks including MATTHEW GOODEs formation of the WATCHMEN, societys revolt against vigilantism, and this one time in Vietnam where JEFFREY was replaced by ROBERT DOWNEY JR.
INT. RESEARCH FACILITY
Later, BILLY CRUDUP, BILLY CRUDUP, and BILLY CRUDUP are all having sex with MALIN AKERMAN. Suddenly, she stops him.
MALIN AKERMAN
What the why are there three versions of you having sex with me?
BILLY CRUDUP
What? I thought you had a fantasy of being gangbanged by the Blue Man Group.
MALIN AKERMAN
Well, of course I do, but still that was easily the third strangest group sex Ive ever had.
MALIN notices another copy of BILLY working on his nuclear THINGAMAJIG.
MALIN AKERMAN
What the ****? Youre working in here too? Why did you even say you wanted to have sex if you would have rather worked?
BILLY CRUDUP
Its not like that, Malin. I definitely needed to get laid. After all Ive got blue balls.
MALIN AKERMAN
BILLY CRUDUP
Hey-oooo!
MALIN AKERMAN
Ugh. Im leaving you, Billy.
BILLY CRUDUP
Please dont dump me, Malin. It would make me so blue. Eh? Eh?
MALIN leaves to go see PATRICK WILSON. Upset, BILLY teleports himself to MARS and builds a GIGANTIC QUMRRLFPSKLZNT to WALK AROUND ON.
INT. UNDERGROUND LAIR
JACKIE EARLE HALEY returns to PATRICK WILSONS LAIR.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
I think Ive figured out who killed Jeffrey.
PATRICK WILSON
Oh? Let me guess. It would have to be one of the main superheroes to have any impact. He didnt glow blue, he was too tall to be Malin, and it couldnt have been either of us. Must be that *****ebag Matthew Goode. That was easy, did that take you the entire movie?
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
God dammit. Jackies Journal: Patrick Wilson is a dick.
JACKIE and PATRICK fly to MATTHEW GOODES FORTRESS OF SMARMITUDE using a SHIP SHAPED LIKE E.T.S HEAD.
INT. MATTHEW GOODES HIDEOUT
JACKIE and PATRICK enter MATTHEWS HIDEOUT.
MATTHEW GOODE
Welcome to my fortress, fellow do-gooders!
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Cut the crap, Matthew. We know you killed Jeffrey Dean Morgan.
MATTHEW GOODE
But of course! Would you like me to explain why as I stroke my tigercatrabbit?
PATRICK WILSON
Er, actually, yeah, are you going to explain that thing at all?
MATTHEW GOODE
Who, Mr. Meowkins? Hes my pet.
PATRICK WILSON
Right. I figured that. But its kind of distracting, dont you think you should at least explain
MATTHEW GOODE
My evil plot? Certainly! You see, people are heading toward nuclear annihilation. What Im doing is detonating energy bombs all over the world, which will look like the work of Billy Crudup. Then, rather than destroy each other, all of the nations of the world will unite after this tragedy, ushering in an era of world peace that will probably last five or six years.
PATRICK WILSON
You mean to tell me that you believe that if people thought that Billy Crudup, the very tool by which the United States exercised its power over other nations, were responsible for destroying cities all over the world, that the worlds response would be to join hands with us rather than unite to kill us for creating the problem that led to their demise?
MATTHEW GOODE
Ummm
PATRICK WILSON
And youre supposedly the smartest man alive. Smarter than the guy that can see time.
MATTHEW GOODE
Look, its better than the thing with the squid.
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
Alright, you know what time it is?
MATTHEW GOODE
One minute to midnight on the cheesy doomsday clock symbol?
JACKIE EARLE HALEY
(growling)
No, time for a slow motion fight scene!
They all FIGHT in SLLLOOOOOOOWWWW MOOOTTTIIOONNN. THENSUDDENLYFASTMOTION! Then SLOOOOOOOOWWWWWW MOOOOTTIIIIOOONNNN AAAGGGAAIIIINNNN.
PATRICK WILSON
Can we hurry this along? Im getting really sweaty in this thing and my costume is starting to smell like baked asshair.
Suddenly, BILLY and MALIN teleport onto the scene.
MATTHEW GOODE
Ah, Billy, glad you could join us. I was just telling the rest of the gang about how Im framing you for murdering thousands.
BILLY CRUDUP
It doesnt matter. Humans have the same number of particles whether living or dead.
MATTHEW GOODE
What? Thats not accurate at all. Think about that for a second. Thats like saying humans consist of the same number of particles whether full or starving.
BILLY CRUDUP
Either way, I dont value human life, so do whatever you want.
(pause)
Actually, I value human life now. I cant let you destroy so many lives.
(pause)
Upon further reflection, I value life, but Im not going to stop your plan. Ill just teleport out of here and go create some life myself.
(teleports)
*** GOD was telefragged by BILLY CRUDUP ***
CITIES all across the world are VAPORIZED. Its DEPRESSING, just like the COMIC BOOK. The movie tries to end on a high note, but FAILS.
ZACK SNYDER
I did it! Alan Moore said Watchmen was inherently unfilmable but I pulled it off! Not so bad, was it Alan Moore?
ALAN MOORE
Film is an inferior form of art, spoon-feeding audience goers and watering down our collective cultural imagination. This movie was garbage, as are all movies.
ZACK SNYDER
Dude. You write comic books. Stop acting like youre ****ing Monet, you pretentious jackass.
The RABID FANBOIS leave the theater and NOBODY ELSE WATCHES THE MOVIE.
END
Hurm. They are right. Unfortunately...
Still, great comic, great movie...
![[A]](https://superherohype-data.community.forum/avatars/l/70/70800.jpg?1270390582){kind=avatar}
