What Hallmark cards don't say

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
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Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...She moved in with me.

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Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"

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Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

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How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

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I've always wanted to have
someone to hold, someone to love.

After having met you ..I've changed my mind.

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I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

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Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...would you take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

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When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

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We have been friends for a very long time .. let's say we stop?

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I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

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Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

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Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

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So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

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Don't ever change, I want to forget you just the way you are.