http://www.pwtorch.com/artman/publish/article_18176.shtml
For the week of Oct 15-Oct 22, 2006
Another exciting week in professional wrestling has just wrapped up and the news is ticking in quickly! Some headlines are just coming in
CPL. KIRCHNER MAKES SUPERMAN COMEBACK!
(RIP Mike Kirchner June 3, 1957-Oct 19, 2006-Oct 21, 2006-???)
FANS UNCLEAR WHO GETS RUB IN CENA/K-FED SEGMENTS
(Oct 16, 2006/ongoing
)
EXTREME CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING EXTREME SINGAPORE CANE MATCH ENDS IN EXTREME COUNTOUT
.
(WWECW on Sci-Fi Results/Oct 17 2006)
NEW ERA IN PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING BEGINS AS STING BECOMES NWA CHAMP! (Reprinted from July 23, 1989)
This week's in-depth stories:
COMPLETE KURT ANGLE COVERAGE!
ANGLE SO MESSED UP ON PAIN PILLS, CAN'T REMEMBER WHEN HE QUIT PAIN PILLS
Tuesday Oct 17, 2006
At a media conference call staged by TNA, Kurt Angle was so messed up on pain pills; he couldn't remember when he quit pain pills. "I quit pain pills cold turkey. That was three years ago. No, wait. That was eighteen months ago. Or so. God, I get so hazy when I take too many of these soma
ah
somaof a ***** I hate Vince McMahon!"
KURT CLAIMS HE BROKE UP; VINCE SAYS IT WAS MUTUAL
Tuesday Oct 17, 2006
The ugly public break up between Kurt Angle and Vince McMahon got even uglier this week, as neither side could agree on who broke up with who. "Kurt Angle clearly feels abused in the situation," said TV Host/relationship expert/match.com consultant Dr. Phil.
"Kurt feels that Vince didn't appreciate what Kurt sacrificed for Vince, and that Vince just treated him like a dog. Kurt also got plain sick of Vince working 24/7." Dr. Phil noted that many of Vince's past relationships have ended in the same way. "Frankly, Vince needs to get that stick out of his ass. Vince McMahon is on the run. Runnin' from his past and runnin' from a tender relationship. The son of gun needs to realize that he'd be a lot happier if he would just quit ****tin' in everybody else's stew, take a long look at himself, and realize that he's got some damn big Daddy issues."
ANGLE MOVES IN TOO FAST; CREEPS OUT DIXIE CARTER
Tuesday Oct 17, 2006
Kurt Angle is known to be aggressive, but he's moving just a bit to fast for Dixie Carter in their new relationship. "I like Kurt a lot. Everything has been going great between us so far. But I have to admit that I was a little creeped out by how he kept going on and on about me in our media conference call last week." Carter was reportedly pleased when Kurt said he "found working for Dixie Carter that wrestling could be fun again. You don't get pressured into doing something you don't want to do. This will be a lot of fun for me and grow quickly." But Carter admits that she began to think Kurt was coming on too strong when he said he expects to work for Dixie "for the next 30 years." Just a few seconds later, Kurt said he plans on being with TNA "forever." That's when Carter said her "stalker radar" went off. "The guy is coming off of a really bad break up. But if he starts weeping about Vince in public one more damn time, I'm telling him I need some space."
CRACKHEAD INTERRPUTS TNA IMPACT
Thursday Oct 19, 2006
A strung-out crackhead slid past security and got on the mic during the Oct 19 episode of TNA Impact. Embarrassed by the incident, TNA attempted to edit the crackhead's twitching, nonsensical, high-on rant off the show, but were only able to get it down to a tight 30 seconds. The delusional man believed he was going to be a "special referee" at Bound For Glory. The claim was immediately recognized as preposterous by TNA fans that know that TNA would never employ anyone who has a drug habit.
RAW SETS STEREOTYPE RECORD
Monday Oct 16, 2006
WWE set a new RAW race record last week when an astounding five black people were included in one segment. But perhaps even more impressive were the stunning six racial stereotypes in the very same segment. "We're all very proud of this difficult achievement," said WWE creative genius Brian Gerwitz. "We successfully introduced our gangbanging street n***a tag team to the RAW audience by having them engage in theft of the wallet of our street n***a turned cartoonish English king Booker T, right in front of Uncle Tom house n***a who runs the show when old rich powerful whitey massa McMahon is away. Top that, Cops!" Gerwitz was particularly proud of the layered stereotypes in the Booker T character. "See, he USED to be a gangbanger. Now he THINKS he's an old English king so he tries to talk like what old English kings talked like, but
he's black! So it comes out sounding like a gangbanger with a bad old English king accent. That's depth." Gerwitz was asked why WWE doesn't try to capitalize on more sophisticated racially based acts that draw actual heat like TNA's red-hot LAX. He answered, "Those TNA Mexicans are scary. They seem REALLY violent. We prefer our marginalized non-threatening lawn mower riding Mexicans."
ERIC BISCHOFF: CORPORATE GIANT. YOU? NOT SO MUCH.
Tuesday Oct 17, 2006
In his new book "Controversy Creates Cash," former WCW head Eric Bischoff proves to dumb wresting fans that he was solidly part of the super-corporate Turner corporate structure, something their puny blue collar brains could never fully understand. Dumb wrestling fans were universally confused by a simple corporate sentence on page 324 of the book, where Bischoff wrote, "Intercompany allocations and forecasts were used and abused to help various divisions or departments position themselves internally for future budget considerations." Don't get it do you? That's not because the sentence is meaningless. It is because you are a nerdy-dirt-sheet-reading-loser.
Marc R.Warzecha is a professional comedy writer and performer based in Los Angeles. He is a PWTorch Newsletter reader dating back to the early '90s, and writes humor and satire articles for PWTorch.com on a regular basis.
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