A Hero of My Own Invention

[Victarion]

Name: Ryuukei no Hisaki (exiled flame)
Alter Ego: The Ronin
Story: A disgraced samurai who learned of a mass assassination attempt on his master and his master’s land and was powerless to stop it. The forces amassed are simply too many for him or the lord’s army. With no other choices, the samurai traveled to a sea temple and learned dragon magic from an old sage. He returned and found his master slain, and the invader seated on the throne, and his wife at the mercy of the invader and his flunkies.

Using his dragon magic, the samurai fought through the invader’s army. When finally he reached the invader, the invader invoked his own brand of magic, tengu magic. In the battle, the samurai was defeated and rather than continue on into the afterlife, was banished to another world by the samurai deity Shogun Bakoto no Ufamaro.

On Earth, the ex-samurai moved to a mountain lake in the wilderness near a cesspool of a city named Dereleth. He believes that by riding this city of crime, he can undo his exile and find a way to return to his homeland. Dubbing himself “The Ronin”, he sells himself as a hired gun to the various crime syndicates. It's a pretty good deal, considering the different syndicates are always going at each other. After he brings down the head of a certain syndicate, he returns to whoever hired him and does away with that crime lord as well. (after he is paid, of course. Man's gotta make a living!)

When he’s not pursuing a crime boss, Ryuukei no Hisaki enjoys spending time meditating, at the sushi bars of Dereleth, and swims in the lake near his home as well as the seaside. He has a few friends in Dereleth-Allan Travino, a coffeehouse employee, Joseph Bullock, a karate instructor, and Cory Denagall, an employee to a big scientific applications corporation.


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What do the other Hypesters think? I'm working on some baddies for the character. They will be posted as soon as I'm satisfied with them.

 

[bananafish]

Seems interesting enough. But what exactly is dragon magic? An Iron Fist-type deal or what? And what is tengu magic?

Some interesting aspects that would probably be further explored would be what caused his disgrace in the first place, what's going down in this so-called sea temple and its old sage and what actually happens to the (I assume former, because he's disgraced and a Ronin (masterless samurai)) master's land.

And what do you intend to do with these characters? Stories, drawings, comics?

 

[Victarion]

Here's the magics and an explanation of what they do:

The Magics:

1. Yurei: A type of magic where the controller uses the souls of the dead to accomplish their means. The souls utilized are typically that of the pure, rather than the monstrous and corrupt. The wielder can become a “Death Bringer”, which is a stylized version of the Grim Reaper. Weapon is a big ass scythe that can slice through the fabric of the world and open ways to the Yomi to allow more dead souls of the pure to enter the battle.

2. Tengu: A type of magic where the controller can cause birds and baby tengu to accomplish their means. The controller can also manipulate the winds and plants in whatever manner they choose. The wielder can become a “Tengu Broodmaster”, which is a humanoid bird creature.

3. Dragon: A type of magic where the controller can summon small dragons to carry out their tasks. The controller can manipulate water and fire in whatever manner they choose. The wielder can transform into a dragon themselves, though it is a taxing form to maintain and should be used only in dire circumstances

4. Oni: A deadly type of magic where the controller taps into the power of the Yomi’s underworld to command the demonic forces to do as they please. The wielder can become an Obake, a merging of demon and human. Resembles an ogre. Very short tempered, has an uncontrollable bloodlust. To merge demon and human is extremely dangerous because the human who calls the demon might catch a shark rather than a trout.


Much of the magic was inspired by the Japanese folktale Jiraiya Goketsu Monogatari, also known as "The Tale of the Gallant Jiraiya". It featured Slug, Toad, and Serpent magic. I took the concept and applied it to some of the Japanese mythological creatures.


I can't draw to save my life. For now it will be written stories, though I may get a couple of my friends who can draw to sketch some of the characters with a description I'll give them.

 

[spdrknight]

Its a good start. But there writing is lacking something that I see in many posters that come to the boards and present their ideas and concepts. I'll get into that in a second.

I think you need to work on your story telling ability, though. Your description of the character and the entire plot of the story are just really dry and unexciting. This is something I see a lot on these boards, many posters take the whole story-"telling" too literally. Just don't "tell" us, "show" us. Be descriptive and animated even when your just giving us a run down of your characters and the plot. Or, whats better, sell us on the concept or idea. Think about this as a chance to wow the Shh! posters and to make each of us experience something. I hink there is a lack of that here.

One other thing. You might want to think about reworking the magic. The different magics should be tied together in someway, having a central theme or origin to them. As it is right now the magics seem to center around the control of "something". Perhaps you could go further with that idea and use just animals or demons and angels or mythical creatures? Right now the creatures are a mishmash of beings that one can control. It just doesn't seem to be cohesive. One magic centers around controlling demons and birds, another about souls, another dragons. And just so you know, if I'm not mistaken, a tengu is a "type" of demon, so you have two magics the revolve around demons.

The whole magics concept seems thrown together to me. But, like I said, it is a good start and you can work with it.

By the way, is this going to be a comic book or a novel?

 

[Victarion]

First, let me say thanks for all the advice!

With the Tengu, I did take a few liberties. In the Japanese mythology, they had two forms: demon dogs and birds of prey, which I believe were also demonic. For this story, I chose the avian approach, and made them non-demonic. The demon dog motif will be used in the story, under a different name.

Now for the magic. In designing it, I looked to the aforementioned folktale, which had Toad, Slug, and Serpent magic. Using this mold, I delved into the mythology and the different creatures to create the magic for the story. Each magic is instructed by a "sage" of the race the magic is based off of. For example: Tengu magic is tought by a Tengu sage, Yurei magic by a Yurei (Ghost) sage, and Dragon magic by a Dragon sage.

Oni magic is a bit different. It is discouraged because of how dangerous it can be, especially if one calls upon an Oni with more willpower and strength than the wielder. Therefore, there are hardly an Oni magic-users.

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There's an explanation of the thought process involved with the magic system and a few other things. Next up, we have one of the crime bosses:

Basilio Regolatore-Owner of Regolatore Industries. His legitimate business is merely a front for his true operations. He has a hand in every vice that plagues Dereleth. When Everard Savoy attacks his underworld enterprises, Regolatore hires the Ronin to bring him Everard’s head on a silver platter. Secretly, Regolatore knows that the Ronin is the mysterious vigilante that is wanted for the murder of some of Dereleth’s biggest crime bosses. While the Ronin tackles Savoy’s mob, Regolatore plans to have the Ronin dead in order to save his own skin and preserve his criminal empire.

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Novel/Book/Written Fiction. I can't draw to save my life.

 

[Spider-Kid]

Great work mate.

 

[DTX]

Certainly appears as though YOU'VE been busy! Kudos 2 U!!