A script I wrote for school.

[Jack O Lantern]

Ok this is a short script I wrote for my screen writing class and I would like to see what you guys think. Unfortunately I lost all but my first draft. In the final draft there is more comedy in the last few pages and it ends on a happier note, also any typo's were taken out.

The Mail Room​

By
MJD​

INT. MAIL ROOM.
Two young men, OLIVER McLLROY and CHARLIE ROBSON, dressed in light blue, short sleeved shirts and navy trousers, stand with the hands clasped behind their backs facing a third, much older man, EDDIE HENRY, who is already in mid-sentence. Behind the two young men is a collection of Pigeon holes filled with letters and packages.

EDDIE​

…and I don’t want any trouble from you two. You’ve already proved that you can fail in life, now is your chance to prove that you can succeed. You know what your jobs are now get to work and don’t let me down.
​

Eddie exits the room and the two men began to work.

OLIVER​

This is your fault you know.
​

CHARLIE​

Figures you’d blame me. It was your idea to go out and steal all the "L’s" from any "public" sign we could find; it was a waste of time, time we should have spent studying. The joke wasn’t even that funny.
​

OLIVER​

You’re meant to be the sensible one. That’s what everyone says, I’m the showman and you’re the guy who’s meant to keep my ass in check. We could be at University now with co-ed showers and girls walking to and from their rooms in wet towels, we could have had that Charlie, you let the side down.
​

Charlie​

Whatever.
​

The two men continue to work, sorting out the letters and packages into separate bags, one bag per floor, to be delivered to the OFFICE WORKERS. They load all bags into a giant trolley and walk into the lift.
INT. OFFICE
The lift opens and the two men step onto the office floor, we see that there is only one bag left, this is the top floor with all the big cheeses. It doesn’t appear to be busy day as no one is working. Three women are huddled around a water cooler gossiping, and five men, one sitting and four standing, have gathered around a computer ogling a picture of a naked women, at the end of the floor is an individual office with THOMAS ORTON VICE-PRESIDENT engraved on the door.

OLIVER​

(Under his breath)
Wow I can’t wait to work with these guys, they clearly do important work.
​

Charlie and Oliver empty the contents of the bag and separate the mail in half and began to deliver it. Charlie heads over towards the computer where the five men have gathered.

CHARLIE​

I have mail here for a Mist…

OFFICE WORKER #1​

Kid, don’t interrupt us, can’t you see we’re busy.
​

CHARLIE​

You’re looking at pictures of naked ladies, how’s that busy?
​

OFFICE WORKER #2​

Kid, how long have you worked here? Don’t answer that because it doesn’t matter. I’ve worked here for the better part of two decades; I’ve made this company a hell of a lot of money and made myself quite wealthy in the process as well. When you’ve done that then you can tell me and my friends what constitutes being busy. You got that.
(Charlie nods)
Good, now get out of my sight.
​

Charlie leaves sheepishly.

OFFICE WORKER #3​

I love when you do those scary speeches.
​

Oliver has delivered all but three of his letters, he looks down at the addresses on the letters, and all are addressed to THOMAS ORTON VICE-PRESIDENT. He approaches his office to find his secretary’s desk unattended, he has no choice but to deliver them to Orton personally. He pauses for a few seconds before knocking on the down.

Thomas Orton [Off-Camera] [Speaks with an American accent]​

COME!
​

Charlie nervously opens the door.
INT. THOMAS ORTONS OFFICE
Orton sits at his desk with is covered in mountains of paperwork. Behind him is a flattering portrait of himself. His in his mid forties and has jet black hair. In the corner of his office is a glass cabinet with several sports trophies, there are also pictures of him kneeling in an American Football uniform. On the wall hang shelves on top of which are several folders over flowing with paper, beside the folders is a small picture of a woman presumably his wife.

Oliver​

Mr. Orton I have a few letters for…
​

Orton​

Why didn’t you leave them with Janice my secretary?
​

Oliver​

There was no one at her…​

Orton​

Then you wait for her. Interrupt my work again and you’re fired. Now get out.
​

Oliver quickly leaves the room and meets up again with Charlie who is waiting by the lift. The lift opens and they step in. The doors close.

Oliver​

Charming bunch people!
​

Charlie​

I thought so.​

​

 

[Jack O Lantern]

4. INT. Mail Room
We see Charlie and Oliver loading the bags of mail into the bags.

5. INT. The Office
Charlie is standing beside the same five men as in the previous scene who are again wallowing away their day staring blankly at naked women.

Office Worker #1
Geez kid, you going to give me my mail or what?

Charlie
But you said yesterday that I shouldn’t interrupt you when you’re busy.

Office Worker #2
We’re looking at pictures of naked women, how busy can we be?

Charlie hands him their mail and walks off.

Office Worker #3
Kid, since you not doing anything, go and get us all a cup of coffee.

Office Worker #4
Decaf for me.

Charlie [under his breath]
*******s!

Charlie exists through the lift. Across the room Oliver is waiting outside Orton’s office and his secretary is not there again. Oliver waits for a while and then heads over to the women, who have gathered around the water cooler.


Oliver
Ah, which one of you is Janice, Mr. Orton’s secretary?

Janice
That would be me.


Oliver
I have his mail, would you give it to him?


Janice
His office is just over there love, give it to him yourself.

Oliver
Did that once and he said [puts on an American accent] “Interrupt my work again and you’re fired.”

Janice
Well you’ll have to wait until I’m done with my break love. I only get five a day and I’d rather spend it chatting with my friends that doing your job for you.

Oliver looks amazed pauses as if to say something but instead quietly moves back to Janice’s desk. The lift doors open and Charlie enters struggling to carry five cups of coffee. He moves towards the men and gingerly places the cups on the desk, the guy sitting at the chair sticks his leg out and Charlie trips over his foot spilling the coffee over the desk

Charlie
Uh…

Office Worker #2
Ah kid, what the hell? Go and get some paper towels and clean this mess up.

Charlie quickly runs towards the toilet to grab some paper towels. As this is happening Janice finally occupies her desk.

Janice
I’ll take that mail now love.

Oliver [sarcastically]
Only if it’s not too much trouble.

Janice gives Oliver a dirty look as he leaves. He stops to give Charlie a hand with the clean up. They both head for the lift.


Office Worker #5
We still want that coffee guys. You think between the both of you, you could manage not to wreck the place?

Oliver and Charlie head to the lift.

Oliver
This crap is getting old.


6. Montage
1. We see Oliver waiting patiently beside Janice’s desk.
2. Charlie is delivering the mail to the office workers who are actually in their individual desks. As he moves from desk to desk we see that each one of the workers are still not working but are instead staring at naked women on their own computers. Except for the fifth office worker, he has a picture of Brad Pitt instead.
3. Oliver is still standing by the desk; he looks over at the women and then looks at his watch.
4. Charlie is in the kitchen making coffee. He takes a carton of milk out of the fridge and starts to pour it into the cups, but instead of white liquid coming out a big solid lumps falls into the cup. Charlie looks at the “BEST BEFORE DATE” it reads “SEPTEMBER 1999”
5. Janice begins to move towards her desk, Oliver looks relieved but then she heads back towards the women at the water cooler. Oliver drops his head.
6. Charlie enters from the lift carrying a tray with five cups of coffee. He carefully sits each cup down beside a worker.

Charlie
It may be a bit lumpy guys.

7. Janice finally makes her way back to her desk. Oliver does not raise his head and hands her the mail without looking at her and leaves.
8. Oliver and Charlie both have frustrated looks on their faces as they take the left back to the mail room.

aaa

 

[Jack O Lantern]

7. INT. Mail Room
Charlie and Oliver are working at sorting the mail out.

Oliver
We shouldn’t keep letting them treat us like crap.

Charlie
What can we do? In their minds we’re just a couple of losers who couldn’t get into University.

Oliver
That shouldn’t matter, we’re better than this, we’re better than them. You see how little they do up there. I’m not putting up with it anymore; if they push me I’ll just push them back.

Charlie
That won’t matter to them; they’ll keep their jobs and their £50,000 per annum and you’ll be fired, with no job, no qualifications and no life.

Oliver
I don’t care anymore I’d rather be on the dole that be treated like this. You should do the same.

Charlie
Do you remember how long it took for us to get this job? You want to **** it up for yourself that’s your business. I’m not going to get fired over some foolish, misplaced pride.

They load up the trolley and head for the lift.

8. INT. Office

We see Charlie going through the same stuff as everyday with the office workers. He’s delivering their letters and they are having a great time at his expense. Oliver is standing at the secretary desk waiting for her and watching what’s happening to Charlie. He looks at Charlie, then at Janice and then the door of Orton’s office, he takes a deep breath and knocks on the door.

Orton [OFF-Camera}
COME!




9. INT. Orton’s Office
Oliver walks through the door way and into the office, the door remains open allowing everyone in the main office to see what is going on. Orton is sitting at his desk and Eddie Henry is sitting across from him.

Oliver
I have your mail…

Orton
What did I tell you last time? Don’t come barraging in here. Give that all to Janice. You’re fired.

Oliver
[Beat]
I don’t think that’s fair. I’ve been working hard since I got here and putting up with a lot from your secretary. I can’t keep waiting on her while she talks to her friends about Kate Moss or something, I have other duties and she is keeping me from them. Now you can fire me if you want, there’s not a whole lot I can do to stop you, but Sir, I am a good working, I’m an intelligent man and it will be your loss when I’m working for one of your…

Orton
Your stuff will be in the mail.

Eddie
Now, now Tom, let’s not be to hasty here. You’ve got a lot fire there young man, what’s your name?

Oliver
Oliver McIllroy, Sir.

Eddie
Well. Oliver, most people at your age and in your position would just have took all the crap that these guys have dished out, the fact that you stood up for yourself is impressive. But it takes a lot more that fire in your belly to make in this company. It takes intelligence, ingenuity and an appetite for hard work. Do you have that?

Oliver
I think I do, Sir.

Eddie
Well we’ve been looking for someone to replace Peter, who left a few months back. Now it’s not a massively important job, but it’s a step up from what you’re doing now. I’d like for you to take it.

Everybody looks amazed, especially Charlie, Orton looks as if a vein is about to pop.

Oliver
Of course I’ll take it. When do I start?

Eddie
Right now, Tom will show to your desk.
[Walks past him, looks him up and down]
Oh and find some better clothes for tomorrow.

Eddie leaves the office and Buzz and Oliver walk in the direction of his desk. Oliver sits down, beaming, he runs his arms across and the desk and open and closes all the drawers.

Oliver
This is amazing!

Orton
It is amazing. Look Henry’s name may be the name on the company banner but I run the place. You answer to me. Don’t forget that.

Oliver
[Joking]
That’s six coffees that you’ll need to get now.

10 INT. The Office
The lift opens and Charlie enters the room on his own. He now has deliver out all the mail on each floor, meaning that he has to deal with the office workers and Orton’s secretary. After going through the same old stuff with the office workers, he has to deliver mail to Oliver. He walks over and sits down beside.

Charlie
I’ve got your mail. So how’s the first day going?

Oliver
Man, we used to laugh and joke and how easy this job probably was but it isn’t. I’ve got loads of paper work to go through and this computer just won’t co-operate with me.

Charlie
I’m good with computers, I could have a look at it.

Oliver
Naw I called the maintenance guy, he’s coming up in a few minutes.

Charlie
It’s been mental down the mail room as well; it’s a lot harder with only one person.

Oliver
I bet it is – damn this computer - but I don’t really have time to talk now.

Charlie
That’s alright; I have to deliver these letters out anyway. I’ll see you at lunch?

Oliver
Naw man, I can’t today. The guys invited me out for lunch. They’re *******s like, but I need to at least try and get to know them if I have to be around them all day, everyday.

Charlie
I see your point. I’ll see you later.

Oliver
Oh, and could you get me a cup of coffee.

Charlie stops and pulls a face, but doesn’t look back at Oliver.

Charlie
Sure.

aaa

 

[Jack O Lantern]

11 INT. Local Restaurant.
The restaurant is nothing special, it’s nice but not up market. Oliver is sitting at a table with his fellow office workers. Some of them are smoking. Ignoring the ban.

Office Worker #1
So Oliver what did it feel like to lay the smackdown on Orton. I’ve been dying to do that for years.

Office Worker #2
Everyone has been, that guy is so far up his own ass his head is coming out his own mouth.

Oliver
I won’t lie it did feel good. It had it coming but so do you guys with the way you treat Charlie. He’s a good guy trying to get ahead. You don’t have to knock him so much.

Office Worker #1
Aw, sticking up for his boyfriend.

Everyone but Oliver laughs.

Office Worker #2
It’s just a bit of harmless fun, we do it to everybody, and it teaches them to stand on their own two feet as well. It didn’t do you any harm did it?
Oliver Nods in agreement –
Hi to remember the time that Ol’ Charlie spilled the coffee everywhere?

Everybody including Oliver laughs

Oliver
That was a good one.

Cut to:
INT. The Mail Room
Charlie eating lunch alone.

12 INT. The Office
The lift opens and Charlie enters the room and delivers the mail out to everyone and goes through the same harassment as always. He goes over and sits down beside Oliver
Charlie
I hate those guys!

Oliver
They’re not so bad.

Charlie
Not so bad? They’re not so bad? Those guys have made my life hell since we started at this place.


Oliver
They’re just having a bit of a laugh; you should learn not to take yourself so seriously all of the time. Maybe if you did they’d leave you alone.



Charlie
[Looks amazed at what Oliver says and after a beat]
Listen I’ve been thinking. You seem to be in tight with Mr. Henry, so I was wondering if maybe you could talk to him about me maybe getting a job up here.

Oliver
I don’t know man, I’m only in the door, that might be over stepping the mark a bit.

Charlie
I’d do it for you.

Oliver
[Laughs]
Charlie you are the most cautious guy I’ve ever met, you wouldn’t put your neck on the line for yourself, let alone someone else. Seriously man, I told you to push back weeks ago but you didn’t listen.

Charlie
[Sarcastically]
Thanks man, you’re a good friend.

Oliver
[Angrily]
I’ll take a cup of coffee and sandwiched.

Charlie
Oliver I’m not being your errand boy.

Oliver
Call me Sir, or Mister McIllroy in the work place please. Now go get me my sandwich and coffee.

Charlie
Yes, sir, Mister McIllroy

Charlie walks away, the camera pans to Orton’s office who is smiling after watching the whole argument through his window.

13 INT. Mail Room
Charlie is busy sorting out the mail as the lift door opens and Orton enters the floor.

Orton
So this is the mail room, huh? What a dumped!

Charlie
What are you doing down here Mr. Orton

Orton
I’ve come to see you Charlie, I know it can’t be easy for you working in this place when Oliver gets promoted above you.


Charlie
I’ve always been taught not to begrudge my friends for their success.

Orton
Your friend? How many other friends do you have that make you call them sir?

Charlie
In all fairness I was acting like ass myself.

Orton
You were asking for help, nothing wrong with that. If he was any kind of a friend he would have given it to you as well. You know I was in a similar position as him when I first started out, just that small bit ahead of my friends. At that moment you have a choice to make, either use your resources to help your friends out or rub it in their faces, I chose the former, while Oliver chose the latter. You have every right to be mad at him.

Charlie takes it all in, he seems to be agreeing with him.

Orton
And the kicker of is that he doesn’t even deserve it. You’ve worked twice as hard as him but he gets promoted because he doesn’t have respect for his superiors. It doesn’t make much sense to me, but Eddie see’s something in him but if it were up to me it would be you up there instead of him.

Orton leaves the room and Charlie starts to wonder if he’s right.

aaa

 

[Jack O Lantern]

13. INT The Office.
The lift opens and Charlie steps out onto the floor. He delivers the mail to the office workers and then to Janice, leaving Oliver last. He goes over and stands above.

Charlie
Here’s your mail.

Oliver
Thank god you’re here. The computer been acting up again and the guy can’t come up for another hour. Could you take a look at it?


Charlie
Why should I? I asked you for a favour yesterday and you wouldn’t do it, why should I drop everything for you?

Oliver
Drop what. You have just finished delivering everything.

Charlie
Mails always coming in, you know that.

Oliver
[sighs]
Stop acting like an ass and help me out.
Charlie thinks for a second and then goes to have a look at the computer. As he’s sitting down he see’s Orton looking at him through his window, shaking his head. Charlie gets up of the chair.

Charlie
Do it yourself. Prove that you deserve this new job of yours.

Oliver
My job does not involve computer maintenance, how will fixing a computer mean anything.

Charlie
I could do it.

Oliver
Charlie stop acting like you're in a bad soap opera and just lend me a hand

Oliver mockingly cups his ear with his hand to hear Charlie’s response better. Charlie then decks him across the nose, busting it open. Oliver gets to his feet and charges at Charlie and takes him down by hooking his two legs. They roll around for a while before the office workers separate them. Orton comes charging out of his office, with Henry in tow.

Henry
What the hell is wrong with you two? I gave you this chance and you throw it right in my face. And you
[To Oliver]
I promote you, gave you a nice salary, help you get a foothold in this business and you do this. Orton told me that you were no good, I should have listened to him. YOU’RE BOTH FIRED!.

Oliver
I was just defending myself…

Charlie
He was asking for it…

IN UNISON
IT WAS HIS FAULT

Orton
You’re stuff will be in the mail.

Charlie and Oliver walk towards the end of the room and get in the lift together. As he’s leaving Charlie see’s a smug look on Orton’s face.

14 INT. The Lift
Charlie and Oliver stand at opposite ends of the lift. Oliver is using his tie to clean the blood of his face.

Charlie
He used me.

Oliver
Who did?

Charlie
Orton.

Oliver
You listened to something Orton said, why? You spend five seconds with the guy and you know that he is a crazy person.

Charlie
What he said made sense. You really didn’t deserve this job. I did.

Oliver
How so?

Charlie
For putting up with your crap. You think you have me on a short leach and maybe you did but not anymore. I won’t be messing my life up anymore because of you?

Oliver
No you’re doing that on your own. This is so typical of you, it’s my fault, it’s never your own.

Charlie
It was your idea to go out that night, not mine?

Oliver
You could have said no. But you never do. You didn’t say no to me that night, or to those clowns upstairs when they embarrassed you everyday, and you didn’t say no to Orton when he told you whatever he told you. It’s not my fault you’re here it’s yours. And now I’m out of a job because of your petty jealousy.

Charlie
Oh so that’s my fault is it? You want to tell some home truths well here’s some. You were acting like an arrogant ****. I came to you for help and you were only looking out for number one. None of this would ever happen if you were to put something, anything, in front of yourself for once.

The lift doors open, they look at each other, maybe for the last time before walking out of the lift, through the Plaza and out the buildings front door, when they hit the street they walk in opposite directions.

[End]

aaa

 

[Jack O Lantern]

So like I said a lot of things changed between this and the final draft, especially the soap opera-ish ending.

This is my first attempt at something like this and would like some feedback.

 

[Jack O Lantern]

Anybody want to comment it on this, i know its not a superhero script but i really need feedback on this.

Please.

 

[Excel]

dialogue needssome work; tryin putting yourself in each character, and think of what youd say.

 

[Jennifer Walters]

dialogue needssome work; tryin putting yourself in each character, and think of what youd say.

That's very bad scriptwriting advice.

If you put yourself in every character...then what you've done is created the same character for everyone. That makes the script boring.

Trying not only thinking of what you say, but what friends and family around you say..lots of writers mirror characters off people they knew.

 

[Excel]

eh...he needs make the dialogie sounds normal first