Alaska Bush People: The latest "reality" tv show about weird hill folk

[Baramos]

From the marketing paradigm that brought you Swamp People and Duck Dynasty, comes the latest highly-scripted "reality" TV show about weird hill people. Move over Sarah Palin, it's the Browns!

As you may guess, it's a family of survivalist types with idiotic beards and sideburns and stupid, STUPID nicknames (or actual names, in the case of, sigh, Raindrop). Billy Brown built a cabin on public land in Alaska and got evicted by the government. Of course this is framed as Big Government sticking its nose where it doesn't belong. The government to get rid of the cabin burnt it down, which is treated like some kind of terrible crime against freedom. He and his wife and 7 (!) kids build a new ONE-ROOM cabin to live in.

Not only is the dialogue incredibly fake at times (when the neighbors show up to help the Browns build their cabin, one of them starts talking about people pulling together in a speech clearly written by a showrunner), there are lots of other fake elements, such as an incredible tall-tale from Brown about how part of being "run off their land" involved being shot at by people "suspicious" of them and the Discovery film crew. Of course, this is all a big load of bullcrap:

Life in Copper River country appears to have proven too real for the stars of the “Alaskan Bush People” reality television show, who last week announced to viewers the need to flee their new homestead.

The “Fight or Flight” episode, which repeats this week, starts with this message: “The Discovery Channel was given permission to document the life of a secluded Bush family. During production, an incident occurred and filming was stopped.”


What follows explains the flight of the Browns -- Billy and Ami and seven children including Bear, Bam Bam, Snowbird and Rainy -- from their “secluded” cabin site in a subdivision off the Richardson Highway.

The crucial scene shows the family roused at night by what sounds like two gunshots fired outside. The men rush out, heavily armed, as viewed through the greenish tint of a night-vision camera. “Then the unthinkable happens,” a voice-over intones. A third shot is apparently fired as the men wait in the dark with the camera rolling.


Spooked, the menfolk pull back to the safety of the cabin.


“This land is not worth dying for,” Billy Brown, a former commercial fisherman and author, tells the camera in a scene shot later. The family leaves and eventually ends up living on a boat in Ketchikan, back where they started.


A year and half after the episode filmed and the family disappeared from the homestead, it’s still not clear just what happened to chase them off.


A reporter’s efforts to get to the bottom of the potential shootout uncovered another, stranger reality. The Alaska State Troopers say no one affiliated with “Alaskan Bush People” seems to have reported any shots fired. But a helicopter filming part of the show ran into another situation that was reported to the troopers.


The crew told troopers that a neighbor of the Browns shot fireworks at the helicopter, forcing them away from the cabin.


That’s right -- a neighbor.


The 5 acres of so-called Alaskan wilderness where, as the show claims, the “recently discovered” family shunned modern society to eke out a simple existence deep in the Bush turned out to be right next door to someone who liked his slice of Alaska without the whir of chopper blades.

So, what is reportedly the "gunshots" of an evil neighbor, implied to be at THEM, is someone shooting fireworks at the Discovery channel helicopter filming aerial B-roll of the not-so-secluded property:

The property, abandoned after filming ended in late 2012, sits in a subdivision less than 10 miles south of Copper Center, easily accessible from a dirt road just off the highway. There’s a pizza place about a half-mile away. The surroundings are wild enough -- the production crew even hired someone to carry a shotgun for bear protection, numerous locals say -- but the area is by no means wilderness.


And yes, the Browns had company living right next door: Jason Hoke, a 46-year-old regional economic development director originally from Albany, N.Y., but an Alaskan since 1996.


Hoke said he grew increasingly frustrated during the show’s production by vehicles speeding up the dirt road, the shouting from next door and the constant buzz of chainsaws.




He said he never fired any shots toward the cabin. What he did, Hoke said, was shoot two or three mortar-type fireworks into the air when a helicopter capturing aerial footage roared over his house while his family was eating dinner.


“The entire house is shaking; my youngest boy Ethan, who was about 4 at the time, is crying,” he said. As he saw it, the helicopter was pounding away just above the treetops over his property.


After trying unsuccessfully to wave it away, Hoke said he “decided to shoot a couple in the air, not in the vicinity, and let them know ‘Hey, get away from my house!’”


According to Alaska State Troopers spokesperson Megan Peters, a trooper did respond to an Oct. 10, 2012 report of fireworks near a helicopter from a neighbor of the Browns. The trooper reviewed footage of the incident, but no charges were filed, she said.


The Federal Aviation Administration, however, hit Hoke with a $500 civil penalty for deliberately shooting three “artillery-type fireworks” near the Robinson R44, according to an order signed by a senior FAA attorney in February 2013. The fireworks “posed an imminent threat to the safety of the flight and the three individuals on the aircraft.”


Up in the helicopter, Daniel Zatz was filming when his pilot spotted a green flash an estimated 40 or 50 feet from the R44, he said. Zatz, an Emmy winner who owns a Homer-based aerial cinematography company contracted by the “Bush People” producers, got the second mortar on film.



Then they climbed out of the area and called the troopers.


“I think he didn’t understand it takes the tiniest thing to hit our tail rotor and we’re just dead,” Zatz said.


He called Hoke’s description of the helicopter’s altitude at tree-top height “a pretty severe exaggeration” since it’s not safe to fly that low. He said the lightweight R44 doesn’t cause enough vibration to make a house shake.
Still, Zatz said the producers on the ground should have communicated better with Hoke before the overflight happened, and now, he said, he tries to make sure production crews reach out to neighbors before he starts filming from the air.


“What I can appreciate is he moved out to where he did because he wanted to have a quiet life, and when a helicopter came into his neighborhood, he didn’t have much patience for it,” he said.

So, the show framed this as people coming near their house and firing rifles at them to run them off. The reality is a neighbor fired fireworks at a helicopter nearby. Also, the property has a pizza place a half-mile away?! That doesn't sound like the Alaska Bush to me.

Other discrepancies arise, such as a generator that the family "barters" for (Brown desperately poormouths throughout the episodes I was privy to, despite having retired from a career in the commercial fishing industry--and also appearing on a TV show that he and his family are monetarily remunerated for) suddenly altering its appearance drastically between episodes. Some other total bullcrap is also said, such as the idea that the family normally forgoes going to the dentist, instead removing decayed teeth themselves with a pair of pliers, BUT in the case of young Raindrop an exception is being made.

Bull. Crap.

I'm absolutely sick of this glorification and romanticization of weird, right-wing bearded anarchists on television. It's such a bizarre trend, and, as seen here, incredibly fake, churned out by a marketing mechanism.

A quick run-down of his kids and their increasingly stupid names (taken from the official "Alaska Bush Family" website, which is replete with ist own ONLINE STORE):

Matthew -- "

Matthew broke his first tooth chewing on a beaver rib as Billy and Ami rowed their canoe down a remote river in the bush country of Northern Alaska."

I'd post more but doesn't that just say it all?

Okay, here's a smidge more:

"The normal bores him quickly. He can read Egyptian petroglyphs and Sandscrit, he also has a quick mind for the mechanical."

Yes, he can read "Sandscrit", which I think is like Sanskrit. He's clearly a rebel against normal geek conventions. Other nerds learn Japanese. He learns HEIROGLYPHICS and SANSKRIT.

Joshua aka "Bam Bam" -- Okay, here's where the dumb nicknames start. The writing here is particularly painful to read:

"He too, by the age of ten or twelve had already become proficient with the ways of the forest, hunting and tracking were natural to him."

Survivalists have no need for grammar and mechanics.

"When home in their forest cabin, Joshua can be found doing Ti Chi on the hill behind their home, hunting, fishing or propped by his favorite tree overlooking the stream, reading a book. "

Oh, God. I see a trend starting here. Each of them is a rugged outdoorsman and suvivalist who also has some weird niche thing about them that shows they are also "learned". I expect the next one to wander the earth, solving mysteries and righting wrongs with kung fu. But he also can skin a beaver like nobody's business, yesiree!

" "He's always had a photographers eye." said Billy "The pictures he takes are moments frozen in time, these pictures are an expression of the world around him.""

Solomon aka "Bear" -- Okay, let me also emphasize that his full name is SOLOMON FREEDOM BROWN. I think this was the point where ol' Billy and Ami decided to start going full-Palin with the kid names.

"To Solomon, hunting for meat is a job that he does. When the meat locker is full, his true sport begins, he hunts without his gun. It’s still with him for protection, but he doesn’t take a shot. He likes to see how close he can get to an animal or how long he can watch before they know he’s there."

Garrrggghhhh.

Gabriel -- You may wonder why Gabe doesn't have a nickname? Well, it's because his RIDICULOUS SIDEBURNS are more than enough to solidify his reputation. The profile here does not capture the GLORY of seeing both those things face-on.

Again, we see that not only is he a proficient woodsman and blah blah blah, he has some artsy fartsy crap to make him the well-rounded ubermensch like the rest of the Brown clan.

"In his early teens he began to draw the animals and world around him. Through the years he has developed into a true artist and aspires someday to grow into a portrait painter. A few years ago he began studying sign language which he has become extremely proficient at today."

Man, someone who can do landscapes AND portraits?! Don't artists normally tend to go towards one or the other? Not Gabe! Nothing can stop a Brown boy once he sets his mind to it!

Noah aka "ND" -- You may be noticing a trend here, which is that the Browns oldest son is like, 30, and each of these guys looks like they're on the upper side of 25. You may wonder why five men in their late '20s want to live in a one-room cabin with their parents in Alaska on a reality show. I'm guessing a LOT of money from Discovery channel.

Or they're just really, really weird.

"At home his room looks like a cross between a metal fabrication shop and a science laboratory. He builds robots from scrap down to making his own circuit boards. He would rather study electronic circuitry diagrams than read a book. Even with everthing Noah has going on, he reads two or three books a week, everything from seventeenth century poetry to physics. He collects Piers Anthony books, the Xanth series, but says his favorite book of all is a sci-fi book written by his dad Billy, called "N.D. and Ship"."

Move over, Asimov. Make way, Heinlein. It's BILLY BROWN.

"Magic is a favorite past time for Noah. What started as a hobby when he was young, developed into a true slight of hand magic act that is good enough it amazes everyone who sees it."

Words fail.

So, apparently after producing five of the manliest yet sensitive men on the planet, the Browns accidentally had two girls. The girls were promptly punished by being given ridiculous names.

Snowbird aka "Bird" -- I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

Raindrop aka "Rainy" -- The page doesn't say it but on the show the mother lets slip that "Rainy" or "Rain" is actually short for Raindrop. Is there really anything else to say? Well actually, there is.

See, her real first name is sort of somewhere in reality. They ARE CHOOSING TO USE HER WEIRD MIDDLE NAME.

Her real first name?

And yes, it's spelled this way.

Merry.

 

[Schlosser85]

I don't see what there is to be glorified about people like this.

 

[KevanG]

Yet more fake people living fake lives on a fake reality show. Woo frikin hoo. I got bored of that crap years ago.

 

[Baramos]

Yet more fake people living fake lives on a fake reality show. Woo frikin hoo. I got bored of that crap years ago.

These ones caught my eye because of how particularly snaggle-toothed they looked, along with speech impediments and a clearly low IQ in a couple of cases.

This particular one really takes the cake, though.

Once you see it you can't unsee it.

He does have a penchant for going full John Matrix by having someone off-camera hold up the other end of a log, though:

It's almost as impressive as Billy Brown's beard.

 

[Plax]

These people are ridiculous. The parents should be charged with neglect. I watched part of an episode where a 20 year old girl was playing with dolls!!! 20 years old! That says it all right there- it shows how far behind these people are in their mental acuity and maturity. I'd love to sit down with these clowns and talk about their ridiculous behavior. No Brown family you are not a "wolf pack" as you are so fond of saying - you're a family of humans - yes you're human- with 7 severely neglected children so much so that they are mentally impaired now. The damage is done. One of the kids "Bear" is probably the most impaired - he runs around jumping and rolling and climbing trying to emulate an animal - no "bear" you are not a wolf - you're an approximate 30 year old man who has the maturity and mental ability of a 9 year old boy who is so brainwashed by your parents that you don't know what species in which you belong. (By the way "Bear" most animals especially wolves don't run or roll around just for the sake of running. They hunt trying to be as stealthy as possible - running around in that ridiculous manner in which you do so would never be a behavior found in the wild - you clearly have a lot of pent up energy and most likely frustration - frustration that any normal 25-30 year old virgin male with no social or love life would have.)These parents should be jailed - these kids are so mentally and physically neglected that they all have speech impediments both due to their horribly deformed and rotting teeth and their ridiculously childish made up language. They now think they have "accents" it's so bad. Let's not even talk about the fact that this show is fake (as evidenced by that whole made up saga about the shooting incident). Also several members of the family are charged with felonies for fraud (undoubtedly the children were acting at the behest of their father). What selfish parents to subject your children to this so-called bush life denying them the opportunity to decide for themselves after having been educated properly and seen what wonderful opportunities life has to offer. Instead you have made the decision for yourselves to live "in the bush" (supposedly) and then you bore 7 slaves (I mean children) to help you with the labor and have given them such a rich and full life that you now have 6 kids between the ages of 20-30 that still live with their parents, have zero friends (and more importantly zero love interests - which I don't even want to get into that topic as I'm afraid to even think how 5 young men in their hormonal prime deal with the fact that they have no outlet for their hormonal "urges"), zero social life and cannot function normally in society and are functionally ******ed (and yes I mean ******ed in its truest sense - their mental ability and development has been severely impeded by their parents' neglect). Well done Brown family you've accomplished nothing but the glorification of stupidity (literally as demonstrated by your children). You say that your "way of life" (if it really were true that it was in fact a bush life) is "Gods way" or the way "humans are supposed to live." Sorry but humans are supposed to evolve, supposed to constantly better themselves. (I'm sure you don't believe in evolution and you can reject it all you want - but facts are facts, science is science - you can sit on train tracks in front of an oncoming train and not believe you're going to get smashed either but that doesn't make it true). Oh - you know all of those guns you have and chainsaws and generators? Those were developed using the same science you reject. I hope you are all found guilty of your recent charges and sentenced for a long time so you can spare us all the lessons in stupid (maybe your children might get the help they need that way) - don't look now Brown family here comes that train.

 

[THUNDERSTRIKE]

I wipe my ass with these so called 'reality' shows that glorify yokels like these idiots, the Duck Dynasty and Honey Boo Boo brood and all the rest of their ilk... I will never understand what the attraction is about these morons who actually serve no useful purpose...

 

[Pink Ranger]

These people are ridiculous. The parents should be charged with neglect. I watched part of an episode where a 20 year old girl was playing with dolls!!! 20 years old! That says it all right there- it shows how far behind these people are in their mental acuity and maturity.

You're obviously trolling, and as such I am loath to respond, but I'd like to point out that you're on a website where a significant percentage of members are adults who still buy dolls (sorry, action figures, whatever), myself included.

 

[THUNDERSTRIKE]

you don't have to be lone-ly at YokelsOnly.com... LOL...

 

[KevanG]

You're obviously trolling, and as such I am loath to respond, but I'd like to point out that you're on a website where a significant percentage of members are adults who still buy dolls (sorry, action figures, whatever), myself included.

Better call Duke. He's gonna wanna piece of this jerk.

 

[Pink Ranger]

Better call Duke. He's gonna wanna piece of this jerk.

He'd probably punch me in the face first for calling action figures "dolls."

 

[THUNDERSTRIKE]

^^ now THIS is a perfect example of down-home desperation...

like I said before in an earlier post... you don't have to be lone-ly at YokelsOnly. com

 

[THUNDERSTRIKE]

This is my FAVORITE show. Id do anything to just meet the BEAUTIFUL BIRDY SHE'S SO PRETTY AN SWEET Discovery HELP ME MEET BIRDY PLEASE ??? Id do anything to be able to fly out an meet the family an see BIRDY Id be shy at first but but id love to meet her DISCOVERY HELP ME EET HER PLASE. 5042523300 BRANDON!

 

[KevanG]

Well then... That message could have a few meanings. I'd try and hide Birdy if'n I was them.

 

[THUNDERSTRIKE]

here's the original thread...

 

[KevanG]

I work for a survey place (until I get a new job) an every time I talk about TV shows (surveys about the Neilsen Ratings), every single person tells me they hate reality shows and want them gone.

Personally I can't stand them and the only enjoyable one I've ever watched was The Joe Schmo Show which mocked the entire idea of a scripted reality show by having everyone but one guy being an actor and ****ing with him the whole time. All these other shows are stupid, boring or mind-numbingly stupid.

 

[kane9321]

you don't have to be lone-ly at YokelsOnly.com... LOL...

I LAUGHED OUT LOUD HARD...I'm humming the jingle in my head

 

[THUNDERSTRIKE]

I LAUGHED OUT LOUD HARD...I'm humming the jingle in my head

hopefully you were laughing JUST as hard at these in-bred doofuses... t: