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For those of you who missed the SPOILER-HEAVY AICN script review, here it is... but as I said earlier, CHUD is reporting that apparently some elements of it are inaccurate. But since Fox told them to take it down, obviously the basic idea is still the same.
Aliens and Predators! Well, three aliens and like, one Predator.
Aliens and Predators! Well, three aliens and like, one Predator.
Moriarty Versus ALIEN VS. PREDATOR 2!!
Hi, everyone. "Moriarty" here with some Rumblings From The Lab...
I know I dont post the way I used to. I know Harry and I dont write the same exact sort of coverage that we used to. A lot of it is that my time and my interests have changed. But even so, there are things that I know you guys think we dont do enough of these days, and script reviews in particular generate tons and tons of e-mail. People ask me all the time if I could scoop this film or that film, this franchise or that one. And some of them, Im not interested in remotely. Like the UNDERWORLD series. I dont dislike it, but I just dont have any interest in it. But I know from your mail that these films matter to some of you. You enjoy them, and you want to read the same sort of coverage for those projects that we write about the stuff that excites us.
I have to admit, I gave up on the ALIEN VS PREDATOR franchise about thirty minutes into the first film. I just dont buy the ways theyve compressed the two franchises into one. It doesnt pay off in the ways you think it might when you hear the idea for the first time. Aliens. Versus Predators. That sounds impossibly awesome if done right. Admittedly, Im not sure what specifically youd do... I just know I didnt dig the end result of what Paul W.S. Anderson did with it.
So why read the sequel? Because there are still many, many fans who want to know whats going to happen next to these icons... these amazing monsters that seem to be so much better than the films theyre in. Youre curious, and you want to hope that maybe this one will be better. Maybe they will have learned from the experience of making and releasing the first film.
Or maybe not.
Shane Salerno, who wrote the first drafts of the first film, is back to take pole position on this film as well, and his draft sets some pretty big things in place that I have to assume arent going to be changing by the time it makes it to film. This is the draft dated 12.15.05 that Ive got here on my desk.
The script starts exactly where the last film left off. The body of SCAR, the slain predator from AVP, lies in a place of honor onboard the Predator Starship. The body convulses. Alien chestburster pops out. And then in a matter of seconds, it grows to nine feet tall, and we see the Predalien. Shiny, elongated alien head. A Predator fang-rimmed mouth. Alien jaws. Predator body. Alien tail.
Okay. The Predalien goes on a rampage, kills a bunch of Predators in their cryostasis tubes, then faces down three Predators in a fight. During the fight, a hole is blown in the side of the ship, and the Predator Starship falls back into Earths atmosphere. The fight continues onboard the ship as it crashes. It hits the Earth deep in the woods in cloak mode, and everything onboard is killed.
Well... sort of. One Predator lives just long enough to send a distress signal, and we see that two face-huggers are missing. As the last living Predator sends his signal successfully, one last Alien appears from somewhere, and it kills the Predator, then steps outside, so that page two ends with the line:
For the first time ever, an ALIEN FOOTPRINT forms on American soil. And just like that, continuity dies forever.
Seems that those woods are located outside a small Texas town. And that small Texas town is populated by an incredibly pat cast of characters including Dallas Howard, a tough-guy ex-con whos just been released from prison. Yes... thats right... the tough guy has the same name as Ron Howards daughter. Ouch. Theres also Ricky Howard, his little brother who is a pizza delivery guy and the type of high school nerd that Fox is hoping will go see this film on opening night. Sheriff Morales used to be buddies with Dallas, but now hes trying to be effective as a 33-year-old sheriff with a bunch of deputies who are too scared to go roust homeless people if theyre not in a group. Youve also got Tim OBrien, his seven-year-old daughter Molly, and his estranged wife Kelly, who is just returning home from a tour in Iraq. Lots of people just returning home in this one day considering how small the town is.
A father and son who are out hunting together stumble across the still-invisible Predator ship, and as theyre investigating it, they get attacked by the face-huggers. Their disappearance starts the plot in motion, but not until somewhere around page 26 or so, which means were treated to a lot of blather about these genuinely unengaging characters. Honestly... who cares? Do you think anyone who is buying a ticket for a film called ALIEN VS. PREDATOR 2 gives a flying **** about the problems of a high school kid delivering pizza? Do we really need the ten-zillionth variation on a scene in which a bully picks on a kid because he has less money than the popular kids? Do you think this audience is looking for a tender family drama about a woman who went to war while her husband stayed behind with their daughter? I know you want to find a compelling human story to tell that then gives you a great springboard into the Aliens and the Predators and, you know, the versus, but trust me... this is not that compelling human story. Instead, its a chore, a cliché, and setting it in present-day Texas seems like a completely insane choice from the very start. Is it just that you figure its cheaper to do a ****ty slasher-movie formula with monsters plugged in? Because at that point, youre spitting in the faces of everyone who has ever loved either ALIEN or PREDATOR in any of their forms. The Alien films were never Earthbound, and thats part of the appeal. Yes, PREDATOR was set on Earth, but it was set in a remote location, which makes sense. Dropping two monsters as destructive as this into the middle of a familiar modern setting robs them of a lot of their exotic nature.
And what passes as innovation here is just sad. As the father and son struggle in their cocoons, knowing full well they have face-huggers growing inside them...
WE CREEP toward Buddys stomach. Until we are...
INSIDE STOMACH: (EXTREME CLOSE UP)
Like watching fuel go through an engine, the Alien moves through the six feet of Buddys large intestine. For the first time we see what an Alien does inside a human being.
Really?
Because Id like to see the Alien home planet. Or, for that matter, the Predator home planet. Id like to see if the Aliens have any civilization of their own. Id like to see what sort of social structure the Predators have. There are a million things about these two franchises that Id like to see, and I can honestly say that what an Alien does inside a human being is not on that list.
And forgive me... Ive really tried in the last few years not to go after a writer, because I respect how hard it is to turn out anything in the studio system, and I know how often you can have your hands tied by notes that make no sense, and I know that all the pressures of creating a piece of work are ten times worse when youre dealing with something that is based on an existing property that has devoted fans. But Shane Salerno... please... youve got to try harder than this. Kelly (the Iraq mom) gives her daughter Molly a pair of night-vision goggles as a present when she gets home, leading to this exchange:
MOLLY: If any monsters try to get us tonight, Ill be able to see them before theyre even on our street.
KELLY: There are no monsters, angel.
Oooooh, boy. Dude. Why dont you just show the little girl watching ALIENS with her goggles? Its no less subtle as a bit of foreshadowing. And naming a character John McTiernan? Dont, man. Do me a favor and pretend its all real, and dont make reality-breaking jokes like that.
The distress signal summons a single Predator to the Texas woods, and as the Sheriff organizes a search party for the missing father and son, they are stalked by the Predator, who sees the guns on their belts and marks them as fair game.
Its not until around page 40 that the film officially becomes Alien versus Predator. Or more like Predator Hunting Alien. The Predator visits the crashed invisible ship. He sees the black box holograms, sees what happened onboard. Sees the heat signature of the Aliens footprints leading out into the Texas woods. Realizes hes got to go after it.
And to make the point, MR THOMAS (yes, like John and James, creators of Predator) writes SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST on the chalkboard. Seriously. The hard cut is to a classroom, and thats what is written on the chalkboard. And just so we dont miss it, MR THOMAS then delivers a monologue about survival of the fittest. And Darwin. And natural selection. And he goes on for a full page about what it means. And then when the Predator finds the Alien cocoons, where both the hunter and the son are dead, chests exploded, we actually still hear MR THOMAS (yes, like John and James, creators of Predator) in voice-over, still explaining the central simplistic theme of the film, some insane studio note gone horribly out of control
MR. THOMAS (V.O.): What cannot adapt, becomes extinct.
YEAH! GAME ON, MOTHER****ER!
Or, at least, I presume thats what they want us to stand up and yell at this point, as the Predator knows that there are three Aliens loose at this point. Three he has to find and kill.
As of page 40, thats the basic premise. Lets ignore all the lousy human soap opera stuff thats padded out those first 40 pages. Were looking at a present-day rumble between a predator and three aliens. Is that what you want from the sequel? Are we really content with an excuse for a movie instead of something that actually advances what is a pretty rich cinematic mythology? Even though I have issues with ALIEN 3 and ALIEN RESURRECTION, I think they all have interesting implications for the franchise, and I think they all ultimately respect the basic concepts of what an ALIEN movie is. The promise of that franchise was always, in part, What happens if they reach Earth? Because it was clearly established in the films that these things had never been seen on Earth. Thats why they are so valuable. Theyre brand-new and worth looking at. Thats what made that teaser trailer for ALIEN 3 so enticing. On Earth... everyone will hear you scream. We were finally going to see the impact of the introduction of this creature into our own ecosystem. It was going to be chaos... a nightmare... and that was a film I always hoped wed see. Maybe even from someone like Scott or Cameron.
But this? A modern-day introduction of the Aliens into small town Texas? A four-way monster rumble thats given a back seat to some fairly uninteresting human padding is hardly the film I think I want as a fan, and Im willing to bet other fans feel the same way.
This film doesnt seem to be connected to the first ALIEN VS PREDATOR except for the shot of the Predalien being born onboard the ship. Keep it. Just figure out a different place to crash the ship. Make it something where the introduction of these creatures genuinely threatens a way of life. THE THING always struck me as great because the stakes were so high. You needed your fellow men to survive, but suddenly, you couldnt trust any of them. That sets some pretty serious stakes. Here, its sort of like a 50s monster movie in terms of how much time is devoted to rote character stuff. When Molly and Kelly turn back up, its for another earnest tearful conversation about monsters. *sigh* When Ricky faces down his bully and runs around with his girlfriend Jesse, its stuff youve seen in a thousand high school TV dramas and movies. And theres a lot of it, with Aliens and the Predator all creeping around in the background. The Aliens keep reproducing, more face-huggers grabbing people, and by page 60, the first head-to-head has happened. Salerno even puts in the score so its easy to track. Predator 1, Alien 0.
Someone actually says the line, If it bleeds, we can kill it, which isnt nearly as bad-assed as it was the first time we heard it in the original PREDATOR, but that might also be because this time its followed by, Weve got to get to a phone!
Look, if this was just an original monster movie by Salerno, with monsters he created, given a compelling reason to go head to head in the midst of this human town... that would be better. Because Salerno writes some decent action scenes. If this was like a really rough-and-tumble TREMORS, which is sort of what it seems to be aiming at, that might be fun. But as an AVP film...
It takes until page 60, well over halfway into the film, before people even realize theres something going on thats out of the ordinary. Once they see the Alien and the Predator, they finally react to the situation, calling in the authorities. The National Guard.
Thats a good choice.
Everyone decides they need to go get supplies they can use to fight the Aliens and Predators, and they start to head towards the location of the next big set piece to end all set pieces. Yes. Thats right. Its true. They all head over... to Super K-Mart.
And thats a bad choice.
Again... of all the things Id want from a film with this title, an extended battle sequence inside a product placement wet dream is not my idea of spectacular. That might just be me.
And maybe its the crass, heartless nature of the script that bugs me. Its all so mechanical. Theres a walk through the sewers, actually one of the better pieces of pure action writing in the entire script, and then they emerge onto a street in the middle of town. At least on this one city block, it is eerily similar to the ruins of New Orleans after the flood. Yikes. I dont know if Id evoke the name of a genuine tragedy in the middle of your crummy monster movie.
The action sequence that closes the film, where it finally gets back to the Predator vs Alien stuff, is written well enough. Its an exciting fight sequence, better imagined than any of the action in the first film:
THE REMAINING TWO ALIENS
attack and ruthlessly devour the Predator, as revenge for Antarctica, as revenge for a hundred hunts over a thousand years.
The human stuff is ridiculous, and by this point, people are doing such absurd superheroic stuff that its hard to relate to anything were watching. When Dallas Howard (the tough guy, not the pretty girl) gets hold of the Predator gun and starts killing Aliens, the script finally kicks into a sort of horse**** overdrive that it never shakes.
And the ending...
Well, I guess I should say, What ending? At 104 pages, the script ends abruptly with a shot that raises more questions than anything, and not in a Cool, I need to see a sequel tomorrow! sort of way, either. More in a Are you kidding? I sat through 100 minutes for that? sort of way.
Final calculation, taking all the decent work into consideration, its catastrophic. Its really that bad a script. If fans dont already feel like whipped dogs, they will by the end of this, and the sad thing is, theyll buy just enough tickets to guarantee Fox makes another one of these, if only for DVD, in the future. Because its so cold and crass and calculating, so pointless a retread of the work of the genuine talents involved in the franchises previously, this is the one that feels like the stake in the heart of both properties. This is the announcement that theyre not remotely interested in continuing the films in a way that expands the great work that already exists. Its creatively bankrupt in a way designed to take the least effort for a return. Its a bitter pill to swallow, having to kiss off both franchises for the time being, and all I can hope is that theres a genuine rebirth later. This certainly isnt it.
Ill be back later this morning with my DVD SHELF column for this week and with my review of MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 3. Until then...
"Moriarty" out.
