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Bastard Moderator from Hell


Mar 26, 2001
Reaction score
Bastard Moderator from Hell - 1
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell stories from yester year)


I sit at my work comp logging into Hype, and see the usual 5 PMs I got from the previous night...

I click on the PM list and see the ones I recieved:
  1. Malice! I need you Help!
  2. Malice! I need your Admin Assistance! Troll in Superman!
  3. Please change my name
  4. I found Porn! Ban this guy!
  5. Quick Question

I look a the list and think....wholly crap! Porn! I immediately click on the 4th link and hope for some good porn! There is nothing like seeing good porn while at work and drinking a good coffee. (If you havent tried it, you must!)

I immediately click on the link and the pm text that is like 3 sentences long becomes a jumble until I see the glorious underlined symbol of the almighty, a hyperlink. A hyperlink to porn, God save the Queen.

I click the link, and get taken to an obscure corner of Hype.... Scouring the thread, I search with baited breath.... Then I find it...wait
DAMN! Mirko got to it first and edited out the picture! Damn Him! That is My job to collect all questionable material for a later date! Damn Him!

Closing that window I go back to the remaining four PMs, deleting 1 and 2 without reading them I got to he name change. Feeling nice and magnanimous, I open it up to see a guy with 3 posts wants a name change.

I proceed to IP ban him for stupidty for wanting a name change when he could simply reregister with a new name. Stupidity has no place being on my board.

To the last PM I go, I again feel nice and open the persons question PM. I open the PM to find a freaking copy of War and Peace. I quickly send him a link to the Comments and Support forum without ever reading the pm, then deleting it of course. I cant have it clogging up my PM capacity when someone might be about to PM me something juicy!

I actually proceed to do my real job.

I pull Mozilla back up and start looking thru Community. (I dont read anything else, because everyone else is a bunch of freaking Comic book geeks...Why would anyone get into a freaking Arguments about whether Spiderman had Organic Webshooters or the classic web-fluid ones. How lame)

I open Community to see the usual crap...

More to come...
I laughed. I cried. It was better than "Cats."
Bastard Moderator from Hell - 2
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell stories from yester year)

I open Community to see the usual crap...

I see politics...the usual Bush Bashing, Kerry questioning...the usual garbage.
I see countless....x vs y threads....CRAP!
I see the "check out the jugs on this chick" threads...usual name less garbage-I of course enter all those "jugs threads" to save them to my personal collection, err...I mean to check them for questionable content.

I close Mozilla down, and start doing work again. I am at work, remember?

I promtly get a PM from the guy that messaged me the night before. Why didnt you not reply to me? I promtly changed his post count to 0 and upload him an avatar (which he cant change of course) that says "Make fun of me, Catwomen was the best move ever" in rotating text.


Wondering what to do now...
I open the Admin control panel and start digging around.
Looking at the user groups, I figure, noone needs to ever PM me anymore, so I remove everyones ability to send PMs.

I decide, I need to do documentation for my real job, so I hop onto it, and start writing my highly technical documents in Microsoft Word.

I get bored...
I log back into Hype and see a golden thread in Community, untouched my BMFH hands! The thread begins like this:

Hi! I am New! by Angel

I promptly post a nice message to her on the forums, saying hello, and welcome to the Hype! Of course I throw in the obligatory statement of PM me if you have any problems (remember I removed the PMs).


I switch windows to the control panel and make a few MINOR adjustments to her account.

I work some more....

I look back at good ole Angel and she is having trouble! Malice to the rescue!
I just jump in and rescue her of course. I quickly undo the adjustments I made to her account. I give her the, "Its all in the line of duty." bit....which they ALL love.

More to come...
MORE!! I WANT MORE!!! seriously great stuff Malice :) Really funny :)
Haha, that's funniest thing I've read in a while. :D
Oh man this is getting subscribed to for later reads.
Cool...glad you guys are entertained....
Bastard Moderator from Hell - 3
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell stories from yester year)

After helping my little Angel get her Technical Difficulties resolved, I decided, I need better Karma. I dive into the Computer Assistance forum to find some poor chimp that needs help.

SpiderPutz writes: "Hi all! I think I have a virus! My computer is really really slow! I dont know why! Can someone help?"

I decide, my expertice is needed. Malice to the rescue!

So I write, "First of all, lets not classify this as a virus. Lets classify this at the moment as a PBKAC. (Problem Between Keyboard and Chair, of course I dont explain what PBKAC stands for - phonetically known as a Peb-Cack)
This sounds like you have a resources issue, what software do you have running in the background as we speak?

I finish the post with that, this looks like it will mostly be a "work in progress fix."

Karma +1 - Another hopefully happy customer!

The next plea for my help comes from sNiCkeRdOOdle.


I reply calmly: "Get off the crack and that is your first step into admitting you need to jump off a cliff."

karma +2 - Another satisfied customer!

Immediately, I get a pop-up, saying I have a new PM.

I open a new window to view it, seeing its from Angel.
*innocent smile*

To be continued....
Keep it coming Malice :) Never would have guessed you had this side of you :o
Bastard Moderator from Hell - 4
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell stories from yester year)

Again, I type a few little blurbs to my new pet, Angel. This is private, so go the hell away.

Again I close Mozilla to do work. Damn it sucks how work gets in the way of BMFH duties.

I wander back from taking my 2 hour lunch, and sit back down with my Starbucks triple deluxe expresso with double caffeine.

12 new PMs popup on me.


Quickly scanning them, I dont see any of the usual buzzwords like, Porn, Picture, Nude, Ban or.....Angel :)

I select all then delete them. My work is done!

I open the Comments and Support forum now. Since the upgrade to VB3, I have been inundated with requests for this...requests for that...

I see 13 new threads. I quickly go thru each one and type, Read the Damn FAQs! if its not there, goto the Comments and Support forum!

Karma +13

Man I am going to heaven tonight!

My personal Cell Phone rings. I pick it up and see that its Mirko. Dear lord, what does this guy want now!

Mirko: Hey guy. I wanted to ask you, did you realize those threads you just posted in, ARE IN FACT in the Support forum?

Malice: Hey Mirko. Um, Yes. Whats the problem?

Mirko: You seemed a little rude, you ok?

Malice: Rude? No of course not. Direct. Remember, they are sheep and chimps. They need direction, we are here to provide that! Havent you learned after all this time that I handle these issues?

Mirko: Yeah, I remember, it still doesnt seem right.

Malice: You dont pay me for niceness, just efficiency, check you later, gotta work.


I think I was direct enough, dont you?

more to come...
Hahaha! I've never seen this side of Malice before! :) Next time I PM you I'll have to title it 'BAN this guy because he posted PORN' Lol. :)
I can't believe you guys never thought of Malice like this. :o
Have you not read this thread? It's pretty one-sided on the like it/not like it front.
Brodie Bruce said:
Have you not read this thread? It's pretty one-sided on the like it/not like it front.

Not really...kinda busy.

But after just reading them....I feel dumb for posting it.

You make Gandhi look like a child pornographer!! It's scrumtulescent.

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