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Bastard Moderator from Hell

Malice

BMFH
Joined
Mar 26, 2001
Messages
12,734
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Bastard Moderator from Hell - 1
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell stories from yester year)

8:00am

I sit at my work comp logging into Hype, and see the usual 5 PMs I got from the previous night...

I click on the PM list and see the ones I recieved:
  1. Malice! I need you Help!
  2. Malice! I need your Admin Assistance! Troll in Superman!
  3. Please change my name
  4. I found Porn! Ban this guy!
  5. Quick Question

I look a the list and think....wholly crap! Porn! I immediately click on the 4th link and hope for some good porn! There is nothing like seeing good porn while at work and drinking a good coffee. (If you havent tried it, you must!)

I immediately click on the link and the pm text that is like 3 sentences long becomes a jumble until I see the glorious underlined symbol of the almighty, a hyperlink. A hyperlink to porn, God save the Queen.

I click the link, and get taken to an obscure corner of Hype.... Scouring the thread, I search with baited breath.... Then I find it...wait
DAMN! Mirko got to it first and edited out the picture! Damn Him! That is My job to collect all questionable material for a later date! Damn Him!

Closing that window I go back to the remaining four PMs, deleting 1 and 2 without reading them I got to he name change. Feeling nice and magnanimous, I open it up to see a guy with 3 posts wants a name change.

I proceed to IP ban him for stupidty for wanting a name change when he could simply reregister with a new name. Stupidity has no place being on my board.

To the last PM I go, I again feel nice and open the persons question PM. I open the PM to find a freaking copy of War and Peace. I quickly send him a link to the Comments and Support forum without ever reading the pm, then deleting it of course. I cant have it clogging up my PM capacity when someone might be about to PM me something juicy!

8:10am
I actually proceed to do my real job.

8:13am
I pull Mozilla back up and start looking thru Community. (I dont read anything else, because everyone else is a bunch of freaking Comic book geeks...Why would anyone get into a freaking Arguments about whether Spiderman had Organic Webshooters or the classic web-fluid ones. How lame)

I open Community to see the usual crap...

More to come...
 
I laughed. I cried. It was better than "Cats."
 
Bastard Moderator from Hell - 2
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell stories from yester year)

8:13am
I open Community to see the usual crap...

I see politics...the usual Bush Bashing, Kerry questioning...the usual garbage.
I see countless....x vs y threads....CRAP!
I see the "check out the jugs on this chick" threads...usual name less garbage-I of course enter all those "jugs threads" to save them to my personal collection, err...I mean to check them for questionable content.

9:00am
I close Mozilla down, and start doing work again. I am at work, remember?

10:00am
I promtly get a PM from the guy that messaged me the night before. Why didnt you not reply to me? I promtly changed his post count to 0 and upload him an avatar (which he cant change of course) that says "Make fun of me, Catwomen was the best move ever" in rotating text.

*DELETE*

Wondering what to do now...
I open the Admin control panel and start digging around.
Looking at the user groups, I figure, noone needs to ever PM me anymore, so I remove everyones ability to send PMs.

10:05am
I decide, I need to do documentation for my real job, so I hop onto it, and start writing my highly technical documents in Microsoft Word.

10:10am
I get bored...
I log back into Hype and see a golden thread in Community, untouched my BMFH hands! The thread begins like this:

Hi! I am New! by Angel

I promptly post a nice message to her on the forums, saying hello, and welcome to the Hype! Of course I throw in the obligatory statement of PM me if you have any problems (remember I removed the PMs).

*Smiling*

I switch windows to the control panel and make a few MINOR adjustments to her account.

10:12am
I work some more....

10:20am
I look back at good ole Angel and she is having trouble! Malice to the rescue!
I just jump in and rescue her of course. I quickly undo the adjustments I made to her account. I give her the, "Its all in the line of duty." bit....which they ALL love.

More to come...
 
MORE!! I WANT MORE!!! seriously great stuff Malice :) Really funny :)
 
Haha, that's funniest thing I've read in a while. :D
 
Oh man this is getting subscribed to for later reads.
 
Cool...glad you guys are entertained....
 
Bastard Moderator from Hell - 3
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell stories from yester year)

10:25am
After helping my little Angel get her Technical Difficulties resolved, I decided, I need better Karma. I dive into the Computer Assistance forum to find some poor chimp that needs help.

SpiderPutz writes: "Hi all! I think I have a virus! My computer is really really slow! I dont know why! Can someone help?"

I decide, my expertice is needed. Malice to the rescue!

So I write, "First of all, lets not classify this as a virus. Lets classify this at the moment as a PBKAC. (Problem Between Keyboard and Chair, of course I dont explain what PBKAC stands for - phonetically known as a Peb-Cack)
This sounds like you have a resources issue, what software do you have running in the background as we speak?

I finish the post with that, this looks like it will mostly be a "work in progress fix."

Karma +1 - Another hopefully happy customer!

The next plea for my help comes from sNiCkeRdOOdle.

sNiCkeRdOOdle writes: "MALIEC I WANT 2 LEARN 2 B A COL COMPUTER GUY LIEK U?!?!! OMG WTF LOL HOW SHUD I START OUT LEARNNG??!!!????"

I reply calmly: "Get off the crack and that is your first step into admitting you need to jump off a cliff."

karma +2 - Another satisfied customer!

Immediately, I get a pop-up, saying I have a new PM.

I open a new window to view it, seeing its from Angel.
*innocent smile*

To be continued....
 
Keep it coming Malice :) Never would have guessed you had this side of you :o
 
Bastard Moderator from Hell - 4
by Malice

(influenced by the Bastard Operator from Hell stories from yester year)

10:35am
Again, I type a few little blurbs to my new pet, Angel. This is private, so go the hell away.

10:40am
Again I close Mozilla to do work. Damn it sucks how work gets in the way of BMFH duties.

1:00pm
I wander back from taking my 2 hour lunch, and sit back down with my Starbucks triple deluxe expresso with double caffeine.

12 new PMs popup on me.

*Damn*

Quickly scanning them, I dont see any of the usual buzzwords like, Porn, Picture, Nude, Ban or.....Angel :)

I select all then delete them. My work is done!

I open the Comments and Support forum now. Since the upgrade to VB3, I have been inundated with requests for this...requests for that...

I see 13 new threads. I quickly go thru each one and type, Read the Damn FAQs! if its not there, goto the Comments and Support forum!

Karma +13

Man I am going to heaven tonight!

My personal Cell Phone rings. I pick it up and see that its Mirko. Dear lord, what does this guy want now!

Mirko: Hey guy. I wanted to ask you, did you realize those threads you just posted in, ARE IN FACT in the Support forum?

Malice: Hey Mirko. Um, Yes. Whats the problem?

Mirko: You seemed a little rude, you ok?

Malice: Rude? No of course not. Direct. Remember, they are sheep and chimps. They need direction, we are here to provide that! Havent you learned after all this time that I handle these issues?

Mirko: Yeah, I remember, it still doesnt seem right.

Malice: You dont pay me for niceness, just efficiency, check you later, gotta work.

*click*

I think I was direct enough, dont you?

more to come...
 
Hahaha! I've never seen this side of Malice before! :) Next time I PM you I'll have to title it 'BAN this guy because he posted PORN' Lol. :)
 
I can't believe you guys never thought of Malice like this. :o
 
Have you not read this thread? It's pretty one-sided on the like it/not like it front.
 
Brodie Bruce said:
Have you not read this thread? It's pretty one-sided on the like it/not like it front.

Not really...kinda busy.
:)

But after just reading them....I feel dumb for posting it.

Heh
 
You make Gandhi look like a child pornographer!! It's scrumtulescent.
 

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