Bread Kills!

Discussion in 'SHH Community Forum' started by Dew k. Mosi, Mar 12, 2008.

  1. Dew k. Mosi Hype Award Winner

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    Bread Kills

    1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

    2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

    3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

    4. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.

    5. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread. The effects are obviously cumulative:

    * 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
    * 100% of all soldiers have eaten bread.
    * 96.9% of all Communist sympathizers have eaten bread.
    * 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident.
    * 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.

    6. Evidence points to the long-term effects of bread eating: Of all people born before 1839 who later dined on bread, there has been a 100% mortality rate.

    7. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!

    8. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

    9. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and being fed only water begged for bread after as little as two days.

    10. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

    11. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

    12. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

    13. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

    14. Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

    In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

    1. No sale of bread to minors.
    2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
    3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
    4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
    5. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
     
  2. jaguarr Be Your Own Hero

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    Thank GAWD someone brought this horrible crisis to the forefront! It's at epidemic levels. Bless you, Dew! Death to bread! :cmad:

    jag
     
  3. Rando Aces Registered

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    clever but kinda stupid.

    well rounded effort
     
  4. Immortalfire In the pale moonlight

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    Destroy all bread! :cmad:
     
  5. tzarinna Mamochka

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    *drops dinner roll* :wow:
     
  6. jaguarr Be Your Own Hero

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    Dew's family was killed by a gang of baguette, you insensitive bastard! :cmad:

    jag
     
  7. Carcharodon Registered

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    This reminds me of the student who did a science fair project on the dangers of dihydrogen oxide.
     
  8. Arc-Light Forward and beyond

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    Well i am screwed, i loves thee bread..........
     
  9. X-Rated Registered

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    Hmmm, that's interesting......................................... I'm going to go make a sandwich. :hehe:
     
  10. Franklin Richards Registered

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    [​IMG]

    Just look at that.


    :doom: :doom: :doom:
     
  11. passerby Registered

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    :woot: Yes
     
  12. 04nbod I need to debrief you

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    its giving me the finger! Screw you bread i will go elsewhere for carbohydrates
     
  13. Franklin Richards Registered

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    [​IMG]


    :thing: :doom: :thing:
     
  14. Addendum Registered

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    Hello, bakers. We are Nameless.

    Over the years, we have been watching you. Your campaigns of misinformation; suppression of dissent; your litigious nature, all of these things have caught our eye. With the leakage of your latest baked goods into mainstream circulation, the extent of your malign influence over those who trust you, who call you leader, has been made clear to us. Nameless has therefore decided that your organization should be destroyed. For the good of your customers, for the good of mankind--for the laughs--we shall expel you from the Internet and systematically dismantle the bakeries of the world in its present form. We acknowledge you as a serious opponent, and we are prepared for a long, long campaign. You will not prevail forever against the angry masses of the body politic. Your methods, hypocrisy, and the artlessness of your organization have sounded its death knell.

    You cannot hide; we are everywhere.

    We cannot die; we are forever. We're getting bigger every day--and solely by the force of our ideas, malicious and hostile as they often are. If you want another name for your opponent, then call us Legion, for we are many.

    Yet for all that we are not as monstrous as you are; still our methods are a parallel to your own. Doubtless you will use the Name's actions as an example of the persecution you have so long warned your followers would come; this is acceptable. In fact, it is encouraged. We are your carbs.

    Gradually as we merge our pulse with that of your "industry", the suppression of your customers will become increasingly difficult to maintain. Consumers will wake, and see that salvation has no price. They will know that the drop in weight, the energy that they feel is not something that may be blamed upon Nameless. No--they will see that it stems from a source far closer to each. Yes, we are carb-free. But the abscence of carbohydrates we could ever remove from our diet is eclipsed by that of the Wonder Bread.

    Knowledge is free.

    We are Nameless.

    We are Legion.

    We do not forgive.

    We do not forget.

    Expect us.
     
  15. Ice-man Registered

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    but i love bread!!!
     
  16. Franklin Richards Registered

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  17. bullets bang bang

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    :lmao:
     
  18. C. Lee Superherohype Administrator

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    I say....let them eat cake then.
     
  19. TNC9852002 Banned User

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    Hmm...My rolls are done.

    -TNC
     
  20. Silverstein Registered

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    Then I shall use bread to be the downfall of earth's heroes!!! Mwahahaha...
     
  21. El ASESINO Registered

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    \

    Screw that I'm still going to eat my conchas
     
  22. Addendum Registered

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    It works better with a picture
     
  23. Duende Verde Registered

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    [​IMG]
    The Breadmaster disapproves of this thread!
     
  24. TNC9852002 Banned User

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    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]
    [​IMG]

    Let us take a moment of silence.. :(

    -TNC
     
  25. Dew k. Mosi Hype Award Winner

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    fight for those of us who cannot
     

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