Simple Kind of Lovelies
Captain Atom (Wildstorm) DU
Jaine Warlock [MU]
Praetor Lemnos DM
Deadpool MR
Nemesis DR
Prep Time
(Sanctuary Island, Wade Wilson's quarters)
Deadpool POV
Nachos. Check.
Yoo Hoo. Check.
Hand lotion with aloe vera. Check.
My "Bring it!" DVD with crew commentary. Double Check!
Needless to say, this is going to be a great opportunity for some quality time between me and Wade Junior. I stuck the DVD in ever so gently, settle on my vibro chair... push the play button on the remote and...
BOOM.
Half my room blows up.
"Hello Wade" A voice crackles behind me, a voice I rocgnise, I voice I hope I'd never have to hear again.
"Keeper! I say swinging around. The little Edna Mode clone is leaning on a wall, all smirky like. Have you any idea what you have done?"
"Kept you from going blind, and you're going to need those pretty little eyes to function at full capacity."
"Yeah. When I whoop your butt all over this island!"
"The third season is starting little Wadykins. I need you back on the team"
" I suppose I could riff a list of things that I care as little about as your little Interdimensional Reality Show. Let's see... low carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican National Convention, Kabbalah & all Kabbalah-related products, Hi-Def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hotspots, the OC, the UN, recycling, getting Punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle that sleeps too darn much, the Yankees payroll, all the red states, (Pause to inhale) all the blue states, every hybrid car, every talk show, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everythingj every-everything that exists past present & future, in discovered and undiscovered dimensions!*"
She snapped her fingers and four people appeared in my room.
"Am I talking to myself here!?"
"Not anymore. Wade Wilson. Meet your team-mates. Now I suppose you should get to work. You'll be teleported to an undisclosed location to fight Hulk, Superman, Captain America, Booster Gold and Blue Beetle in about a day or so"
"Oh my God, a little golden boy with red wrapping shrieked. I know those people. I don't think I can..."
"Nathalie baby, we talked about this, the Keeper said pointing a finger at him. You want to go home, you have to finish this tournament."
"So I suppose you have something to black mail all of these people" I ask.
"Most of them, yes".
"Well not me. I'm perfectly content with my life thank you. I'm nobody's ***** anymor... wowowow! Who's that?" The most ravishing creature I have ever seen passed in front of and all of the sudden thoughts of settling down and raising a few brats to send om to college to learn how to make bombs didn't seem so unappealing.
"That's Charis. Or Nemesis if you preffer."
"Charis... Charis... what's rhymes with Charis? Syphilis?"
"Yeah. You'll knock her off her feet with that kind of poetry. So... you're in?"
"Are there anymore babes on this team?"
"There's Wonder Woman... and Gambit"
"Oh.. Gambit! I love Gambit! He's so dreamy..."
"Deadpool, focus!"
"Yeah. What am i saying! I'm a man. 110% man. Feel my manhood exhume through my pores"
"I'd rather not. I have to go. Get them ready for the fight. We have a show to produce."
And just like that, the Keeper was gone.
"HEY! What about my room! Who's going to clean up this mess?"
"Allow me, the blonde creepy girl said"
She raised her hands and I thought she was going to sing Koombaya but instead she just said: "Cleanse" and the room began to shake. The blackened walls clean themselves up and all the shattered pieces on the floor regrouped to form the object they had been before the explosion. When everything was done, Kristin Dunst was back on the screen shaking what her momma gave her.
"Nice job, blonde creepy girl!"
"Call me Janie".
"Alright Janie. Now. Ro call. To whom am I addressing?"
"Captain Nathaniel Adams sir. Code Name, Captain Atom."
“ So what is it you do, besides going around eating other people’s porridge.”
“ What?”
“Other peoples porridge… get it? Cause you’re gold and have gold locks and.. and… nevermind! What powers do you have?”
“Well, that’s sort of an issue, because Ive’ been going through some… changes.”
“Hang in there, buddy. Puberty comes and goes. Let’s see Proctor I know…
“Praetor, you poor 20th century reject”
“As I was saying, Proctor I know. What about you ladies? What does it say on your résumés?”
“I am the supposed savior of this world. Created by the enclave”
“I’m sorry Janie, but I’ve had my share of savior types, and you’re too cute to have a Messiah complex yet. Last but not least, my raven haired beauty… that is not a tube of aloe vera lotion in my pocket. I’m
really happy to see you.”
“3000 years old and these pick-up lines get worse and worse.”
“3000 years. Cool. I dig older women. Alright Ms Robinson. Let’s get crackin… crackin skulls preferably. Hulk and Captain America I know, who are these other bozos.”
“Superman is the most powerful superhero from my universe.” Atom quickly offered. “Practically invulnerable, freeze breath, laser vision…”
“So he can kill us all in the blink of an eye. How do we kill him?”
”He’s only weakness is to a substance called kryptonite. Maybe I can rearrange atomic structures to create it and weaken him.”
“Good. What about Booster Gold (that’s a catchy name) and Blue Beetle?”
”Also from my universe. Powerful warriors. Booster has an armor that can do practically anything, and the Beetle is an inventor.”
”And without their machines?” Janie asked.
”They are just normal humans, but still dangerous. What about your Captain America? He sounds like a patriot.”
“Oh, he’s the living embodiment of the American Dream. Red, blue and white and hunky all over”, I explain.
“I have downloaded this island’s database” Atom continued, “From I can ascertain, physically he’s unstoppable and mentally he’s unbreakable.”
“Not to me” Praetor suddenly spoke up.
“Right, but we still have to get you close enough to do whatever it is you do, Atom shot back. He’ll be covered by the Hulk no doubt.”
“The Hulk is a creature of great strength, but it is strength based on emotion. Perhaps I can somehow pacify him” Janie proposed.
Captain Atom sat in silence, brooding and then gave us a quick run down:
“So… we got 24 hours to figure out how we’re gonna make Kryptonite out of nothing, how we’re gonna shut down all the machines without knowing what tools we’re going to have at our disposal, how we’re going to sneak up on the most vigilant person in this galaxy and how we are going to make the Hulk play nice”
“Nachos anyone?” I offer.
Battle
Captain America POV
Once we step through the dimensional portal, I feel relieved that we’re not on some alien planet on the edge of the galaxy. It looks like a military base. It looks familiar, and I realize why. It’s Area 51. I’ve been here many times, a lot more then I’d wish to count.
We’ve took refuge in one of the hangars while Beetle gets his tech ready. He’s brought with him several devices, including brain caps and force field belts.
“Braincap, Cap?” Booster offers me and Grins. “Sorry, couldn’t resist.”
“What does it do?” I ask Blue Beetle ignoring his comment.
“Initially it was a way to scramble people's thought patterns. Make them think slower, Booster!"
"Ah, I don't need that."
"No, you don't. Anyway, animal man brought the technology with him from an alternate universe. I redesigned it so that now it simply masks all thought patterns. I figured it would be good against that Praetor Lemnos guy”
“That was some good thinking, Ted.” It doesn’t hurt to compliment the troops.
“Well, golly gee, mistuh soldier man. Thank youse” he mocks and gives me a reverse salute.
“You have to apologize my friend. He didn’t go gently in that good night, if you know what I mean?” Booster says, throwing his arm around his friend’s neck. die
“ What? You… you died?” I ask bewildered.
“Died, passed on, expired, breathed my last breath, went to meet my maker”
“And his maker didn't want him. So he made a deal with these omnipotent types. If he wins this tournament he might get a second chance.”
"Like i wanted to get a second chance... I died a hero for pity's sake!"
"True that." Booster agreed.
"If that's not enough to earn my poor soul an eternity with Charlize Theron and Cristina Ricci I don't know what is."
“And why are you here?” I asked Booster Gold.
“He’s my buddy, my pal, my partner in crime. I couldn’t let him do this alone.”
“You’re such a good friend Booster. And I really don’t mind that you also asked the interdimensional omnipotent beings who hold my fate in their hands for lots and lots of money.”
“A guy can’t be a good friend and an entrepreneur at the same time?”
“Oh. I’m sorry, did passing on from the mortal coil make finicky?”
“Sure it did… if finicky happens to mean a #%^# with #&^& and @$%#$.”
They go on quibbling like an old married couple but I instantly like the two.
“Quiet you two” Superman suddenly announces. “Did you feel that?”
“Feel what?” I quickly inquire.
“Something changed in the air…”
A jolt of electricity makes my skin grow goosebumps and I jolt straight up. Booster yelps in pain as his armor shorticircuits and burns his skin. Blue Beetle’s gadgets flair up and he drops them to the ground. The instruments around us ignite and sparks of electricity shoot out of them.
“What is going on, Kord?” I ask.
“I don’t know… all the electrical equipment is fried!”
“The only thing that could do this” Professor Hulk suddenly speaks up… is a”
“Electro-magnetic pulse.” He and Kord say at the same time.
“Captain Atom must’ve created some sort of nuclear explosion. What we’re experiencing are the effects of a wave of electromagnetic radiation” Kord explained.
“That is insane. Wouldn’t his team mates be obliterated by the force of the blast?”
“They must have some kind of advanced shield… or maybe even a teleporter on their team.”
“Teleporter… Spread out, now!”
It was too late. A crack of thunder erupted in the hangar and in the middle of it a woman appeared, energy crackling around her. Superman lunged at her but he was repelled by a powerful force field. Hulk smashed his fists against it but the same happened. She hovered above the ground with an intrigued expression. She cocked her head and then raised her hands. Booster Gold disappeared from our sights… and then Blue Beetle… and then…
That was the last time I saw my new team mates.