Five-Minute Punisher 2

Discussion in 'Marvel Films' started by Zev, May 3, 2005.

  1. Zev

    Zev Registered

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2003
    Messages:
    7,337
    Likes Received:
    0
    Yes, that's right. Right on the heels of Five-Minute Fantastic Four, it's time for the eerily accurate prediction of how Punisher 2 will turn out...

    PUNISHER: Blah blah narration-cakes. Anything'll do, just as long as it sounds all gritty and tough guyish

    *

    PUNISHER: Action sequence!

    GUY: GAK! MY FACE! I'm no longer some guy... I am JIGSAW!

    PUNISHER: Hmm... maybe I should finish that guy off. Then again, what if I left the oven on? To home!

    *

    JIGSAW: Mirror! Mirror!

    DOCTOR: I'm sorry... you see what I have to work with...

    JIGSAW: The Punisher ruined my face! He must die!

    MOTIVATION: Established!

    *

    INFORMANT: Howdy! I'm a wacky criminal informant who will provide comic relief for this dark, dreary movie.

    PUNISHER: Can I shoot you?

    INFORMANT: No.

    AUDIENCE: Oh darn.

    INFORMANT: There's some guy named Jigsaw coming after you.

    PUNISHER: I knew I shouldn't have said watching Saw was like eating crap doused in more crap.

    *

    JIGSAW: My brain is sane and I'll cause you some pain!

    PUNISHER: Hey! Aren't you the guy from Batman?

    JIGSAW: I've starred in other movies, you know!

    PUNISHER: Name one.

    JIGSAW: ...Batman Returns?

    *

    PUNISHER: Alright, Jigsaw, time to settle this, once and for all! But first, let's have dinner. I wouldn't want to die on an empty stomach.

    JIGSAW: You make a good point, Punisher.

    *

    PUNISHER: Dude, that waitress is totally checking you out.

    JIGSAW: She is?

    PUNISHER: Yeah. Ask her for her number.

    JIGSAW: Alright...

    THIRTY MINUTES LATER...

    PUNISHER: So, how's whatshername?

    JIGSAW: Let's just say Katie makes great breakfast...

    PUNISHER: Heh heh... alright.

    JIGSAW: You know the material her bra is made out of? It's felt now.

    PUNISHER: Hoohoohoo!

    JIGSAW: In fact, you could say...

    PUNISHER: That's enough.

    JIGSAW: Right.

    THIRTY MINUTES LATER...

    JIGSAW: Punisher, I want you to be best man at our wedding.

    THIRTY MINUTES LATER...

    MINISTER: Speak now or forever hold your peace...

    PUNISHER: I object!

    JIGSAW: WHAT!?

    PUNISHER: You see, Katie is Jigsaw's... sister! Ha! You slept with your sister!

    JIGSAW: NOOO!

    PUNISHER: Now I can kill you!

    GUN: Bang!

    JIGSAW: Wait a minute... you went through all that just to make me feel bad about for twenty seconds before you killed me?

    PUNISHER: Yup.

    JIGSAW: You're an idiot. GAK!

    PUNISHER: Heh heh... rack up another kill for Frank Castle.

    ...

    PUNISHER: That makes seven! Beware, criminals, your sins will be punished!
     
  2. Kable24

    Kable24 Member of the NRA

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2003
    Messages:
    12,859
    Likes Received:
    0
    I would have laughed if I thought it was funny.
     
  3. Punisher 04

    Punisher 04 Registered

    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2004
    Messages:
    1,563
    Likes Received:
    0
    I like the 5 min. Fantastic 4, the 5 min. Punisher 2 was kind of weak (had potential though). :ff:
     
  4. dude stannis

    dude stannis Registered

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2003
    Messages:
    17,120
    Likes Received:
    2
    :D :D :D :joker: :D :D

    Aside from that, it wasn't the best.
     
  5. Gimpy

    Gimpy Sleep is not innocent

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2004
    Messages:
    810
    Likes Received:
    0
    Well there were no references to seabiscit, so thats a postive, why people were getting married, slightly confusing. It was funny, but Pun, **** the oven.
     
  6. Jigsaw

    Jigsaw Registered

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2003
    Messages:
    1,042
    Likes Received:
    0
    HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

    Zev, that's freaking hilarious.
     
  7. Balthus Dire

    Balthus Dire Punishment Continues

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2000
    Messages:
    12,710
    Likes Received:
    0
    While I didn't find this particularily funny, the fact that you poked fun at the twisted revenge thing in Punisher 1 was mildly humorous.



    Even though I thought his twist-on-revenge thing against Howard Saint was cool, I really hope he doesn't do this in the second movie. Sure, I can understand with Saint because he wants to make him suffer before he kills him, but I hope with the second movie he'll just pull out the guns.
     
  8. Langoth

    Langoth Registered

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2004
    Messages:
    1,563
    Likes Received:
    0
    I found some parts somewhat funny.

    Nothing that was histerical by any means, and plenty of lameness to.

    Sorry Zev, you'll ahve to work harder to make me laugh :p

    Though your avatar is funny :p
     
  9. Zev

    Zev Registered

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2003
    Messages:
    7,337
    Likes Received:
    0
    In my defense, I didn't have as much to go on as I did for Five-Minute Fantastic Four and Five-Minute Spider-Man 3. I have a very rigorous no spoilers policy for movies I'm looking forward to. But expect Five-Minute Elektra and Five-Minute Batman Begins in the future!

    And one of the major failings of the Punisher, to me at least, is that right after Punisher gives his "sic para bellum" speech and is about to kick ass... we spend fifteen minutes watching John Travolta kill his loved ones. KILLS. ALL. MOMENTUM. Plus, Frank never gets to avenge Spacker Dave's torture. Where's the fun in that?
     
  10. Langoth

    Langoth Registered

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2004
    Messages:
    1,563
    Likes Received:
    0
    Making the man die in confusion as his best friend kills him isn't good enough revenge? lol
     
  11. Balthus Dire

    Balthus Dire Punishment Continues

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2000
    Messages:
    12,710
    Likes Received:
    0
    Not to mention making Saint throw his wife of many years off a bridge to get hit by a train because he thinks she was banging his best friend?

    I think Castle got his revenge, sucka!
     
  12. Jigsaw

    Jigsaw Registered

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2003
    Messages:
    1,042
    Likes Received:
    0
    "That's one way to dump a *****."
     
  13. Zev

    Zev Registered

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2003
    Messages:
    7,337
    Likes Received:
    0
    But it kills the pacing dead. Look at it. We're listening to the thumping action music, we're ready for Castle to unleash the ol' Finger of God... then we cut away to Howard... then we cut back to Castle in mid-narration setting up his bow and arrow! Ridiculous!
     
  14. Balthus Dire

    Balthus Dire Punishment Continues

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2000
    Messages:
    12,710
    Likes Received:
    0
    I do agree that it should have been one flowing scene, because he says the first line and then he doesn't say the second one until 10 minutes later.


    But I don't think how he avenged his family was weak.
     
  15. Langoth

    Langoth Registered

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2004
    Messages:
    1,563
    Likes Received:
    0
    I agree with that statement.
     
  16. Gimpy

    Gimpy Sleep is not innocent

    Joined:
    Dec 11, 2004
    Messages:
    810
    Likes Received:
    0
    I have one question, why does motive have a voice. I mean the comic book geeks will know the motive and the other more vanity obsessed viewers will understand, is it just for the simple folk.
     
  17. Zev

    Zev Registered

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2003
    Messages:
    7,337
    Likes Received:
    0
    ...because it's funny. Very meta, you know?
     
  18. nrack

    nrack Registered

    Joined:
    Mar 7, 2005
    Messages:
    257
    Likes Received:
    0
    This cracked me up!! [​IMG]

    ...the rest did not.
     
  19. Jigsaw

    Jigsaw Registered

    Joined:
    Nov 30, 2003
    Messages:
    1,042
    Likes Received:
    0
    I don't know why everybody had just one favorite part... I was laughing my ass off through this entire thing.
     
  20. WhatsHisFace

    WhatsHisFace Registered

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2002
    Messages:
    39,016
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hilarious! Good work! :up:
     
  21. P. Cushing

    P. Cushing Registered

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2004
    Messages:
    6,748
    Likes Received:
    0
    The:

    MOTIVE: Established!

    Part was genius!
     
  22. Arsh

    Arsh Awesome

    Joined:
    Mar 11, 2004
    Messages:
    1,389
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hilarious! Too bad Seabiscuit didn't make an appearence this time around.
     
  23. Crowley9

    Crowley9 Registered

    Joined:
    Oct 13, 2004
    Messages:
    1,057
    Likes Received:
    0
    From the movie itself: "This is not vengeance. Revenge is not a valid motive, it's an emotional response. No, not vengeance. Punishment." The Punisher should go for the most effective method, not the most emotionally satisfying one.
     
  24. citizenpain

    citizenpain violent messiah

    Joined:
    May 8, 2002
    Messages:
    3,055
    Likes Received:
    0
    that's not even funny. what is funny, however, is that you actually wasted time typing that up and probably think it's hilarious.
     
  25. WhatsHisFace

    WhatsHisFace Registered

    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2002
    Messages:
    39,016
    Likes Received:
    0
    Ahahaha, I thought that was hilarious. Especially the "That makes seven!" part! :D

    I really like The Punisher but poking fun at anything is alright.
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice
  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice
monitoring_string = "afb8e5d7348ab9e99f73cba908f10802"