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Five-Minute Punisher 2

Zev

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Yes, that's right. Right on the heels of Five-Minute Fantastic Four, it's time for the eerily accurate prediction of how Punisher 2 will turn out...

PUNISHER: Blah blah narration-cakes. Anything'll do, just as long as it sounds all gritty and tough guyish

*

PUNISHER: Action sequence!

GUY: GAK! MY FACE! I'm no longer some guy... I am JIGSAW!

PUNISHER: Hmm... maybe I should finish that guy off. Then again, what if I left the oven on? To home!

*

JIGSAW: Mirror! Mirror!

DOCTOR: I'm sorry... you see what I have to work with...

JIGSAW: The Punisher ruined my face! He must die!

MOTIVATION: Established!

*

INFORMANT: Howdy! I'm a wacky criminal informant who will provide comic relief for this dark, dreary movie.

PUNISHER: Can I shoot you?

INFORMANT: No.

AUDIENCE: Oh darn.

INFORMANT: There's some guy named Jigsaw coming after you.

PUNISHER: I knew I shouldn't have said watching Saw was like eating crap doused in more crap.

*

JIGSAW: My brain is sane and I'll cause you some pain!

PUNISHER: Hey! Aren't you the guy from Batman?

JIGSAW: I've starred in other movies, you know!

PUNISHER: Name one.

JIGSAW: ...Batman Returns?

*

PUNISHER: Alright, Jigsaw, time to settle this, once and for all! But first, let's have dinner. I wouldn't want to die on an empty stomach.

JIGSAW: You make a good point, Punisher.

*

PUNISHER: Dude, that waitress is totally checking you out.

JIGSAW: She is?

PUNISHER: Yeah. Ask her for her number.

JIGSAW: Alright...

THIRTY MINUTES LATER...

PUNISHER: So, how's whatshername?

JIGSAW: Let's just say Katie makes great breakfast...

PUNISHER: Heh heh... alright.

JIGSAW: You know the material her bra is made out of? It's felt now.

PUNISHER: Hoohoohoo!

JIGSAW: In fact, you could say...

PUNISHER: That's enough.

JIGSAW: Right.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER...

JIGSAW: Punisher, I want you to be best man at our wedding.

THIRTY MINUTES LATER...

MINISTER: Speak now or forever hold your peace...

PUNISHER: I object!

JIGSAW: WHAT!?

PUNISHER: You see, Katie is Jigsaw's... sister! Ha! You slept with your sister!

JIGSAW: NOOO!

PUNISHER: Now I can kill you!

GUN: Bang!

JIGSAW: Wait a minute... you went through all that just to make me feel bad about for twenty seconds before you killed me?

PUNISHER: Yup.

JIGSAW: You're an idiot. GAK!

PUNISHER: Heh heh... rack up another kill for Frank Castle.

...

PUNISHER: That makes seven! Beware, criminals, your sins will be punished!
 
I would have laughed if I thought it was funny.
 
I like the 5 min. Fantastic 4, the 5 min. Punisher 2 was kind of weak (had potential though). :ff:
 
Zev said:
*

JIGSAW: My brain is sane and I'll cause you some pain!

PUNISHER: Hey! Aren't you the guy from Batman?

JIGSAW: I've starred in other movies, you know!

PUNISHER: Name one.

JIGSAW: ...Batman Returns?

*

:D :D :D :joker: :D :D

Aside from that, it wasn't the best.
 
Well there were no references to seabiscit, so thats a postive, why people were getting married, slightly confusing. It was funny, but Pun, **** the oven.
 
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Zev, that's freaking hilarious.
 
While I didn't find this particularily funny, the fact that you poked fun at the twisted revenge thing in Punisher 1 was mildly humorous.



Even though I thought his twist-on-revenge thing against Howard Saint was cool, I really hope he doesn't do this in the second movie. Sure, I can understand with Saint because he wants to make him suffer before he kills him, but I hope with the second movie he'll just pull out the guns.
 
I found some parts somewhat funny.

Nothing that was histerical by any means, and plenty of lameness to.

Sorry Zev, you'll ahve to work harder to make me laugh :p

Though your avatar is funny :p
 
In my defense, I didn't have as much to go on as I did for Five-Minute Fantastic Four and Five-Minute Spider-Man 3. I have a very rigorous no spoilers policy for movies I'm looking forward to. But expect Five-Minute Elektra and Five-Minute Batman Begins in the future!

And one of the major failings of the Punisher, to me at least, is that right after Punisher gives his "sic para bellum" speech and is about to kick ass... we spend fifteen minutes watching John Travolta kill his loved ones. KILLS. ALL. MOMENTUM. Plus, Frank never gets to avenge Spacker Dave's torture. Where's the fun in that?
 
Making the man die in confusion as his best friend kills him isn't good enough revenge? lol
 
Not to mention making Saint throw his wife of many years off a bridge to get hit by a train because he thinks she was banging his best friend?

I think Castle got his revenge, sucka!
 
Balthus Dire said:
Not to mention making Saint throw his wife of many years off a bridge to get hit by a train because he thinks she was banging his best friend?

"That's one way to dump a *****."
 
But it kills the pacing dead. Look at it. We're listening to the thumping action music, we're ready for Castle to unleash the ol' Finger of God... then we cut away to Howard... then we cut back to Castle in mid-narration setting up his bow and arrow! Ridiculous!
 
I do agree that it should have been one flowing scene, because he says the first line and then he doesn't say the second one until 10 minutes later.


But I don't think how he avenged his family was weak.
 
Balthus Dire said:
I do agree that it should have been one flowing scene, because he says the first line and then he doesn't say the second one until 10 minutes later.


But I don't think how he avenged his family was weak.

I agree with that statement.
 
I have one question, why does motive have a voice. I mean the comic book geeks will know the motive and the other more vanity obsessed viewers will understand, is it just for the simple folk.
 
...because it's funny. Very meta, you know?
 
Zev said:
PUNISHER: Blah blah narration-cakes. Anything'll do, just as long as it sounds all gritty and tough guyish

*

PUNISHER: Action sequence!

GUY: GAK! MY FACE! I'm no longer some guy... I am JIGSAW!

PUNISHER: Hmm... maybe I should finish that guy off. Then again, what if I left the oven on? To home!

This cracked me up!!
biggrin.gif


...the rest did not.
 
I don't know why everybody had just one favorite part... I was laughing my ass off through this entire thing.
 
Hilarious! Too bad Seabiscuit didn't make an appearence this time around.
 
Langoth said:
Making the man die in confusion as his best friend kills him isn't good enough revenge? lol

From the movie itself: "This is not vengeance. Revenge is not a valid motive, it's an emotional response. No, not vengeance. Punishment." The Punisher should go for the most effective method, not the most emotionally satisfying one.
 
that's not even funny. what is funny, however, is that you actually wasted time typing that up and probably think it's hilarious.
 
Ahahaha, I thought that was hilarious. Especially the "That makes seven!" part! :D

I really like The Punisher but poking fun at anything is alright.
 

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