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Funniest Quotes You Know?

The Cajun

Aug 6, 2004
Reaction score
They can be from anything. Films, books, shows, real life ect. Just put the funniest ones here.
"Bill Bailiy would like the eggs of numbing enevitbility"
Patrick Bateman : Do you like Huey Lewis and the news?
Paul Allen : They're OK.
Patrick Bateman : Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in '83,I think they really came into their own, commercial and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consimante professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He's been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far much more bitter, cynical sense of humour.
Paul Allen : Hey Halberstram.
Patrick Bateman : Yes, Allen?
Paul Allen : Why are their copies of the style section all over the place, d-do you have a dog? A little chow or something?
Patrick Bateman : No, Allen.
Paul Allen : Is that a rain coat?
Patrick Bateman : Yes it is! In '87, Huey released this, Fore, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself.
[raises axe above head]
Patrick Bateman : Hey Paul!
[he bashes Allen in the head with the axe, and blood splatters over him]

Vincent : [to Marvin] Why the **** didn't you tell us somebody was in the bathroom? Slipped your mind? Did you forget that somebody was in their with a goddamn hand cannon?


Jules : What does Marcellus Wallace look like?
Brett : What?
Jules : What country you from?
Brett : What?
Jules : "What" ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in What?
Brett : What?
Brett : Yes!
Jules : Then you know what I'm saying!
Brett : Yes!
Jules : Describe what Marcellus Wallace looks like!
Brett : What, I-?
Jules : [pointing his gun] Say "what" again. SAY "WHAT" AGAIN. I dare you, I double dare you, mother****er. Say "what" one more goddamn time.
Brett : He's b-b-black...
Jules : Go on.
Brett : He's bald...
Jules : Does he look like a *****?
Brett : What?
[Jules shoots Brett in shoulder]
Jules : DOES HE LOOK LIKE A *****?
Brett : No!
Jules : Then why you try to **** him like a *****, Brett?
Brett : I didn't.
Jules : Yes you did. Yes you did, Brett. You tried to **** him. And Marcellus Wallace don't like to be ****ed by anybody, except Mrs. Wallace.

Love that whole scene, from Pulp Fiction.
My sig, I laughed the first time I read it because I can relate.
"When every things use to get bad,
My Daddy Always use to tell me Cheer up,
Things could get worse,
So I'd cheer up,
and sure enough Things got worse"
~My Dad

"Wall paper will cover alot of sins babe,
But if you glue a bowling ball to the wall people are going to notice"
~My Dad while wallpapering

"Bob Villa would walk into this house,
Take one look,
Say Fnck it,
And walk out,"
~My Mother in regard to my Dads house

(Brother while watching TV)
Harv: "Why is that Lady B!tching about being fat, Shes not Fat, Give me the remote"
Me: "Why?"
Harv: "I want to turn up her Volume"

"I love life and Life loves me,
I'm as happy as can be,
A happier gal no where exists,
Thank you Now I'll go slash my wrists
~Variation of Dad's
"Hey baby, I couldn't help but overhear that you liked animals. I just have a lil' question for you. If we were both squirrels, would you let me bust a nut in your hole?"

this is a chat up line one of my freinds is rummord to use:
"hey baby, those clothes look good on you, but they'd look better on the bedroom floor"
Hey-lets get drunk and go rape each other in that alleyway-Me to some girl.I got slapped:up:
[Jules, Vincent and Jimmie are drinking coffee in Jimmie's kitchen]
Jules Winnfield : Mmmm! Goddamn, Jimmie! This is some serious gourmet ****! Usually, me and Vince would be happy with some freeze-dried Taster's Choice, but he springs this serious GOURMET **** on us! What flavor is this?
Jimmie Dimmick : Knock it off, Julie.
Jules Winnfield : [pause] What?
Jimmie Dimmick : I don't need you to tell me how ****ing good my coffee is, okay? I'm the one who buys it. I know how good it is. When Bonnie goes shopping she buys ****. Me, I buy the gourmet expensive stuff because when I drink it I wanjt to taste it. But you know what's on my mind right now? It AIN'T the coffee in my kitchen, it's the dead ****** in my garage.
Jules Winnfield : Oh, Jimmie, don't even worry about that...
Jimmie Dimmick : No, let me ask you a question. When you came pulling in here, did you see a sign out in front of my house that said "Dead ****** Storage?"
Jules Winnfield : Jimmie, you know I ain't seen no...
Jimmie Dimmick : Did you see a sign out in front of my house that said "Dead ****** Storage?"
Jules Winnfield : [pause] No. I didn't.
Jimmie Dimmick : You know WHY you didn't see that sign?
Jules Winnfield : Why?
Jimmie Dimmick : 'Cause it ain't there, 'cause storing dead ******s ain't my ****ing business, that's why!

[after Butch saves Marsellus from rapists]
Butch : You okay?
Marsellus : Naw man. I'm pretty ****in' far from okay.
Butch : What now?
Marsellus : What now? Let me tell you what now. I'ma call a coupla hard, pipe-hittin' ******s, who'll go to work on the homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin', hillbilly boy? I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'ma get medieval on your ass
:D :D :D
Thats not for Carl Carlsson! - Carl in the Simpsons
Richard Vernon : You're not fooling anyone Bender. The next screw that falls out will be you.
Bender : Eat my shorts.
Richard Vernon : What was that?
Bender : Eat... My... Shorts.
Richard Vernon : You just bought yourself another Saturday.
Bender : Ooh I'm crushed.
Richard Vernon : You just bought one more.
Bender : Well I'm free the Saturday after that. Beyond that, I'm going to have to check my calendar.
Richard Vernon : Good, cause it's going to be filled. We'll keep going. You want another one? Just say the word say it. Instead of going to prison you'll come here. Are you through?
Bender : No.
this will always be my fav quote.

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..." (General John Sedgwick, battle of Spotsylvania, 1864)

great last words.
Bart : What's your name?
Jim : Well, my name is Jim, but most people call me... Jim.

"Then one day I hear "Reach for it, mister." I spun around, and there I was standing face to face with a six year old kid. Well, I just laid down my guns and walked away. Little bastard shot me in the ass. So I limped to the nearest saloon, crawled inside a whiskey bottle, and I've been there ever since"
"why do I always feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone" - Rockwell "Somebody's Watching Me"
"3 day waiting period?!?! But i'm angry right now! ...if I had my gun I'd shoot you."
-Homer Simpson
Jules : Normally, both your asses would be dead as ****ing fried chicken, but you happen to pull this **** while I'm in a transitional period so I don't wanna kill you, I wanna help you. But I can't give you this case, it don't belong to me. Besides, I've already been through too much **** this morning over this case to hand it over to your dumb ass.

Jules : Whoa... whoa... whoa... stop right there. Eatin' a ***** out, and givin' a ***** a foot massage ain't even the same ****in' thing.
Vincent : Not the same thing, the same ballpark.
Jules : It ain't no ****in' ballpark either. Now look, maybe your method of massage differs from mine, but touchin' his wife's feet, and stickin' your tongue in her holyiest of holies, ain't the same ballpark, it ain't the same league, it ain't even the same ****in' sport. Foot massages don't mean ****.
Vincent : Have you ever given a foot massage?
Jules : Don't be tellin' me about foot massages - I'm the foot ****in' master.
Vincent : Given a lot of 'em?
Jules : **** yeah. I got my technique down and everything, I don't be tickling or nothin'.
Vincent : Would you give a guy a foot massage?
Jules : **** you.
Vincent : You give them a lot?
Jules : **** you.
Vincent : You know, I'm getting kinda tired, I could use a foot massage.
Jules : Man, you best back off, I'm gittin' pissed.

ofcourse from the fantastic movie, PULP FICTION.
Im so sorry to post this here But my comp is Stupid! I Got attacked one frikkin hour ago...By a dude....I were buying some halloween stuff (Swedish Halloween) and a dude Pinched my arm and Tried to push me down...but lucky me i had some silly String or whatever its called and Sprayed Some in his eyes then i just ran away.... :(
It's amazing how a slight rephrasing can change the whole tone of a line:

"When I look at you time stands still"

compared to:

"You have a face that could stop a clock"
Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Post Office Clerk: Okay Mr. Burns, uhhh what's your first name?
Homer: I don't know.


Peter Griffin: Well, I'm getting something really special, too. And by special, I don't mean special like that Klinemann boy down the street. More special like, like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what did they do with the Regular K? And for that matter, whatever happened to Kaye Ballard? You know, if you said "mallard" and you had a cold, it would sound like "ballard".
"It depends on what the meaning of the words 'is' is." –Bill Clinton, during his 1998 grand jury testimony on the Monica Lewinsky affair

"It depends on how you define alone…" –Bill Clinton, in his grand jury testimony

"There were a lot of times when we were alone, but I never really thought we were." –Bill Clinton, in his grand jury testimony

And then I'd add about 40,000 quotes from George W. except his stupidity and duplicity is killing thousands of people so,....

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