How much value do we / should we place on our Friendships ?

[Mandon Knight]

Report from the BBC was stemming from the friendships formed at university and how they often shape for life. Two of my closest friends come from my university days. Expanding this debate, how are our friendships formed, how important are they, how do we see our friends ?

From my end, I think it comes from if you are single and not in a relationship, your friends have more 'presence' in one's life as time with your partner / and family takes more of your time and as you get older, one's reliance upon the need for friends has a tendency to lessen equally (I see this as debatable obviously).

For me, my friends are a massive part of my life and they form a large part of my emotional & social aspects of my existence, I value them hugely and count myself as a good friend and it's a very respectful part of my life, they stem from many areas of my life and have some of my closest friends on here too.

How do others see their friends (contextually & physically), real friends are a wonderful gift in life, social media has widened the description of friendship but it's the ones where the chips are really down when you can count on input, kinds or action, that's a real friendship.

 

[Yowza]

Social connections and relationships are great. I think as we age, nihilism can take over. A significant other in one's life becomes increasingly important and for better or worse sometimes intertwined in the context of how often one sees old acquaintances and to a certain extent even family...

It sounds crappy but that's how things played out for me. I was with a number of women things didn't work out for one reason or another and of course no longer good enough for the strong friends used to have as of course they have families now and don't need to hang out with someone who doesn't (yeah, the constant questioning along certain lines and dropoff of conversations can be aggravating). Their kids are of a certain age, in a certain school, time keeps moving, and so forth. Time to make new ones then and **** them.

At least that's college. High School still of course acquaintances. Elementary family moved so sort of died with that with few remaining. Life keeps moving forward and new ones of course keep developing. Time keeps passing and sooner rather than later will be dead.

 

[C. Lee]

I met my best friend in the first grade in 1963. I moved a lot....other friends came and went....but we would always come back together and do things. We went to STAR WARS on opening day in 1977....and 1980....and 1983. He was my best man at my wedding.....I helped him leave a religious cult....he helped me move when I got a divorce. He threw me a great bachelor party for my second marriage....I drove him to and from his doctor's appointments when he couldn't do it himself. He played catch and had light sabre fights with my daughter....every year he was at our house for Thanksgiving. Two years ago he died. He was my best friend for 51 years. He had great value in my life. He is missed by me, my wife, and my daughter.

 

[Mandon Knight]

I met my best friend in the first grade in 1963. I moved a lot....other friends came and went....but we would always come back together and do things. We went to STAR WARS on opening day in 1977....and 1980....and 1983. He was my best man at my wedding.....I helped him leave a religious cult....he helped me move when I got a divorce. He threw me a great bachelor party for my second marriage....I drove him to and from his doctor's appointments when he couldn't do it himself. He played catch and had light sabre fights with my daughter....every year he was at our house for Thanksgiving. Two years ago he died. He was my best friend for 51 years. He had great value in my life. He is missed by me, my wife, and my daughter.

That's beautiful, I am sorry he has passed C. Lee but I am also pleased you had such a close bond with your friend and how much he meant to you.

 

[Mandon Knight]

I think also in this 'world' we live in today of the dependency of social media in the way it controls and forms relationships (of any description in all honesty) we lose the value & depth of what friendship can mean & bring to an individual.

This subject (hence the thread forming) is a very important, personal discussion and was interested to hear other's views on the impact & aspects of what we regard as friendships.

In the last few years I've had too and been 'forced' too look at where mine lay and their worth & my placing within them due to severe health problems that have left me isolated & abandoned to a certain degree, that's debatable as to which side of the fence one would look at that discussion.

I hope others feel there is a debate to be had and this becomes a place where people can gain hope & clarity about their own worth from.

 

[Mandon Knight]

It's a bit granny sucking eggs but has some useful information & thoughts.....

How to Be a Good Friend

 

[Flash525]

I think the term friends can, and is, used differently by a lot of people; some people will use it for people they spend time with any are close too, whereas others will use the label and apply it to anyone who's on their Facebook Friends list, or in the real world, anyone that they'll casually see once in a blue moon.

To me, friendships are those with people you enjoy being around but in a non romantic setting (some boys and girls struggle with this concept). Friendship should be two ways too, and it shouldn't always be one person chasing the other up on meets and plans (which often seems to be the case with me).

I would … relate to what's been said above though; holding onto friendships, and in turn, making new ones, is harder the older you get, and in some cases once a person finds a love interest, friendships can take a backseat, or be forgotten about altogether; I've a couple of friends that are only interested in being friends when they're single, when they're in a relationship they're quite happy to literally go years without seeing or speaking with their former friends. It's quite irritating actually; not something I'll allow to happen again - people should find balance.

Of my current social circle, only two I met through school. The others are either chance meets that evolved, or people I've met through other former friends that have likewise evolved.

 

[Mandon Knight]

Picking up on part of what Flash is saying, it absolutely 'baffles' me when some people (mostly men) have a problem or simply can't get their head around men & woman, boys & girls being very solid friends without any romantic or sexual happening between them, I take on board for many men, 'female friends' are acquired through their girlfriend and are not 'independent' of that couple.

I would say there is a 70/30% balance of the make up of my friends in favour of female friends and how they've built up over the years, and they are deep & meaningful friendships without there being a inclination of 'love' beyond the love of friendship.

I wholly appreciate that is quite rare but I value my friends so very much.

The question or point Flash raises and I think it's absolutely relative to this discussion as a whole is self worth and how much time/effort we place on friendships as that we receive, I like Flash am the one who does most of the running (if not all in most cases) and during my illness of the last 5-6 years I've had to step back and prioritise my own space and worth and boy the gap has been felt, by me, whilst they have their children & families to (correctly so) look after.

It is the fact that I am partner-less and child-less that does create that hole and as one gets older, without those things, that gap widens, whether we like it or not.

 

[Flash525]

@Mandon Knight , the irony here is that the majority of my social circle are single and without kids; most of them still even live at home with parents, and yet they're still not able to become more organised and involved. They're quite happy doing their own little thing (it seems) until/unless I make a suggestion about going out or meeting up, and then they're all for it. It's perplexing.

Regarding the whole men and women being friends thing, I think a lot of it is circumstantial. I have a friend who doesn't live locally, but we met through a meetup, so just a social event with no intention or implication of anything more, and we remain friends. I have other (male) friends who similarly have met their female friends through work, courses and the like. I think the biggest exception is through dating, in the sense that the "the attraction/chemistry isn't there, but lets be friends".

I think that's the stronger element that doesn't work, I suppose in part because it's a little awkward, primarily because if neither party shares an interest then there's not much chance a friendship working out anyway, but if one party doesn't see that future and the other does, one person is still moving forward with hopeful(?) expectations. You may remember my posting on the relationship thread some time ago about the girl I dated back in August; as much as (we seemed to) enjoy each others company, she called the dating off because she wasn't feeling it, and ultimately also called the friendship off, presumably because it would have been awkward (which, in truth, it could very well have been - for us both).

There's also the element that a lot of men don't look at women as people, but rather an object. I have at least two friends who couldn't possibly be friends with woman because that's just now how their mind works. One is your typical 'lad' and views women as a sex object, the other has some insecurities and all a woman need do is speak to him and he seems to think they're attracted to him.

 

[Mandon Knight]

I think one's age has a HUGE amount to do with this too, obviously, some would say. I'm now in my forties and unconnected with social media, in much the way that 'dating' has become almost exclusively on-line, so has the formation & maintenance of friendships sadly.

I wholly 'accept' I am probably shooting myself in the foot with about 90% of my friends, when I could be the one to pick up the phone, but why should it always be me that has to do that ?

Honestly, I speak and converse with you guys on here more than I do with my 'long term friends' and I can go months without seeing or speaking to anyone. Granted there are the reasons we've mentioned thus far and also factor in they are in another country, some of them, but social media does lead too the simple fact that if you don't communicate on there, you simply don't 'exist'.

I remember you saying Flash in the relationships thread of that situation and I feel for you, really do, as I think we have similar views of both relationships & friendships and how we function in both.

 

[Flash525]

Oh I couldn't agree more @Mandon Knight , some people rely far too much on social media; one of my friends posts daily Instagram stories, and I'm forever shaking my head and rolling my eyes when I see them. I don't understand why? Insecurities? A sense of self worth? I don't understand it. I get someone posting a photo of some nice food, or a nice landscape or whatever, but to post 'a short story' of seemingly nothing just baffles me.

There are pros and cons to social media though; as you've said, it does allow people to connect who maybe didn't before, and it allows for long-distance friendships (and even relationships) to maintain strong, but people shouldn't rely on it, which they do. The same applies to dating as you've also said; it expands ones prospects but at the same time reduces maybe how a relationship should form - takes away that human element of going out and meeting people (for the initial greet anyway - obviously if a chat goes well, then a greet will follow).

And yeah, it's unfortunate that the girl back in August felt that way, though looking back on it I can see why she called it quits. It's four months on now and whilst I'd be lying if I said she didn't pop back into my head on occasion, I think those emotions are behind me now. It's a shame we couldn't remain friends as she was genuinely a lovely girl, but it is what it is.

 

[Mandon Knight]

Flash, it is a positive view that you feel you have found 'peace' with what happened over the summer, as regretful that what emerged could not be allowed to grow further. You are to be applauded.

 

[Pink Ranger]

Friends are the new family. The concept of "chosen family" has been a thing in the LGBT community for generations, and I am glad to see it adopted by heteros as well. People are having fewer children later and later, and the curtain has been pulled back on the toxicity of the traditional family structure, so a family of friendship is only poised to grow in importance.

 

[Mandon Knight]

Concentrated a lot of discussion during my therapy session today on my friendships and how to 'view' them or approach them (as a whole) going into the Christmas period and also into the new year, looking at how to shape the relationships in the present and future, rather than settling on the how the past has or is shaped. Lets see how that goes.

I think fundamentally, I am at an incredibly 'low' point of my life across so many areas, this is just one of them, so everything is affecting how, I also see my friendships.

 

[Hannah Panana]

Interesting topic, indeed.

My friends are my life, basically. We are more than just friends, we are family, and four of us -there's six of us- share a tattoo that reads "sisters" -the other two couldn't stand getting a tattoo-. We all know each other families (parents, brothers and sisters, in-laws, uncles/aunts, cousins...), by name.

We see each other only twice a month, one if it gets way too difficult (some of them already have children) but we chat on a daily basis, no matter what. We support each other and sometimes we act like mothers. go to the doctor, you should have that checked out, etc etc.

I used to believe that Facebook was super cool and a great tool to tay in touch with those who were not friends but good acquaintances but eventually I realized that no one of them really cared (I didn't even care about them). So, I quit Facebook -inactive since 2015, or so- and focused on the ones who really care about which are my friends and family.

Haven't meet the love of my life yet, but def. we will be meeting face to face.

 

[GunBlade]

True friendships are extremely rare. There is maybe one person in my life outside relatives I can call a friend.

 

[Mandon Knight]

Think in 2019, I'm going to have to 'strike-out' on my own and build from scratch my friend-base, given what this year and this Christmas time period has shown me.

 

[Hobgoblin]

I've lost contact with my friends over the past few years. When they moved to other states, we still stayed in touch via Facebook. Then they got married and I heard from them less often. Then they had kids and we couldn't relate any more. I resented the fact that they only talked about the kids and they didn't like that I wasn't interested in them enough.

I got married two years ago and several friends were my groomsmen but nothing changed. We are still Facebook friends but actual contact is minimal and cold. My 20 year reunion is next year and I doubt I'll go.

I'm an intense introvert. So while I miss my old friends, I can live without them. My wife is starting to lose touch with her friends and it's been hard for her. She loves to chat and meet new people, so she has been lonely. We are each other's best friends but she needs more. I keep hearing that it is normal for people in their 30s to lose touch with people, but that will be hard for her to accept.

 

[Schlosser85]

My last close IRL friend is moving to Texas in a couple days. Of course there's the whole "you'll come visit", etc., but I had another friend who moved to Raleigh-Durham a few years ago. Me and this friend drove down there once a year to visit him, but that dropped off and nowadays he comes up to visit family and we don't hear from him. And I expect it to go the same way again.

 

[chamber-music]

Maintaining relationships can be difficult. It can be really hard to maintain friendships when you live far away or have a family you can't just leave when you want to hang out with your buddies or your at different places in your life. Social media is the only option for staying in touch for some people.

I do enjoy platonic female friendship and company. I don't buy into the whole men and women can't friends stuff.

One thing I have always been cool with in relationships is that the women I've been with have their own friends that they socialize with. I know some controlling possessive people that don't let their loved ones have any friends or spend any social time with anyone else and it sometimes leads to some unhealthy co-dependency.