How to tell if you're a comments troll

[Kane52630]

slow news day CNN?

http://www.cnn.com/2010/TECH/social.media/06/23/comments.troll/index.html

(CNN) -- So you're surfing along on your favorite website when you see something that gets your plasma boiling -- so much so that that pulsating vein above your eye is about to burst.

The cause of this Web-induced stress could be an opinion that just doesn't jibe with yours. It could be that author's pompous head shot. Either way, your twitching fingers scroll to the bottom of the page -- past whatever useless garbage you have just consumed. You're going to the comments section -- that oh-so democratic zone of the internet.

But be careful, impassioned Interneteur -- at this very moment you have the potential to transform from a perfectly pleasant person into that most loathed and feared Web dweller: the troll.

While you should feel entitled to join the discussion, and while we've all "trolled out" at one point or another (the anonymity of the 'net certainly lends itself to oozing venom, like a snake doing battle with a mongoose), it's best to pause before pressing "post."

Ask yourself: Are you contributing to the online dialogue or just grunting unintelligibly? Take our quiz to learn how to rise above the Tower of Babel that is the comments section:

Question: You spot an egregious factual inaccuracy, break in logic or unsubstantiated claim in an article you're reading. You proceed to:

a). Give a frustrated sigh, log into your commenter account -- which features your real name -- and compose the following message: "Hey, [insert author name here], in paragraph three in which you describe [XYZ], you seem to be in error. [Explanation]." Then you drain the last dregs of your coffee and return to work.

b). Merely scroll to the bottom (having not actually finished the article), copy a link to your inane website/blog/product, pen a message akin to "What a useful resource for a person like me!" (bonus points if the sentence doesn't actually make sense) and paste said link under said message. You may, in fact, be a robot.

c). Completely disregard all previous comments and correct the author of his or her mistake, even though about 15 people already have done so.

d). Nearly black out with rage, roar into the abyss that is the idiocy of the internet and -- fingers all akimbo -- type: "YOU'RE SO FREAKING STUPID!!!!! I AHTE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUT THE HELL UP!!!!!!!" After which, you down the last drops of your Monster Energy drink, wipe the Cheetos residue on your athletic shorts and bellow up the basement stairs, "MOM!!! WHAT'S FOR DINNER???"

Now for the key:

A: Useful -- if not slightly caustic -- contribution to internet society

Congrats! You are the glue that holds the Web together. A descendent of the "lady who writes letters to the paper," you keep bloggers and writers on their terrified toes.

Other platforms to consider: Why not start your own blog? You seem to have all the answers. We suggest a simple platform, such as Posterous or Tumblr, and a branded, slick-looking homepage that integrates your blog and all of your social networks (your Twitter feed, Facebook status updates, etc). Try Flavors.me, which makes designing such a website easy.

B: The shameless self-promoter

The offspring of the still-kickin' telemarketer, you spread your insipid message where it is clearly not welcome.

Other platforms to consider: Might we suggest a less annoying option? Link exchanges. Merely ask another site to link to yours if you link to theirs. Thus, everyone wins and no one vows to track you down and murder you in your sleep.

C: The echo

Instead of making like some highly trained macaw, why not contribute to the conversation? Isn't that what a comments section is for?

Other platforms to consider: Twitter. Just go retweet some stuff, mmkay? That way you're sharing an opinion/story/something of value with your followers with proper attribution, instead of driving the moderator to alcohol abuse.

D: The classic troll

We know, we know -- puberty can be a difficult time. There's your changing body, the fact that you have yet to kiss a member of the opposite sex, the -- Huh? You're 45? Nevermind. Say "hi" to your mom for us. ...

Other platforms to consider: Formspring.me. This platform allows members to ask anonymous (if they so choose) questions of other users who are crazy/brave enough to invite such inquiries. The site has gained some cred lately -- allowing users to post questions to Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Blogger and Wordpress -- but it's definitely a prime spot for those who enjoy ragging on others for no reason except their all-consuming insecurity (i.e., amid the legit interesting queries, questions of the"'Why are you so stupid?" variety are unfortunately common.) Do what you will, but don't blame us when someone terms-of-services you into oblivion. Actually, better yet ... go outside for once.

 

[SuperFerret]

Ha. The assumption that every comment needs to be a productive contribution to the "online dialogue" is as stupid as assuming that everything said in real life needs to be the same.

I AHTE YOU!!1!

 

[Moridin]

"Like a snake doing battle with a mongoose". I like that one, I shall use it as often as possible.

 

[E-Man]

Rather than read that article, I have decided to troll the actual threadstarter who is undoubtedly my ***** in real life.

Where is my grilled cheese sammich, Kane? I'M pissed!

 

[Kane52630]

Rather than read that article, I have decided to troll the actual threadstarter who is undoubtedly my ***** in real life.

Where is my grilled cheese sammich, Kane? I'M pissed!

My Name is Kunta Kinte

 

[Aesop Rocks]

ITT: Trolls trolling trolls.

 

[E-Man]

My Name is Kunta Kinte

Kunta, Tobey, Kane, number number, good, bad....it doesn't matter. I'm the guy with the gun.

 

[Kane52630]

Kunta, Tobey, Kane, number number, good, bad....it doesn't matter. I'm the guy with the gun.

oh yeah? im the guy with the Aesop aka Snorelax

 

[Mace Dolex]

I have a troll for a keychain.

 

[Aesop Rocks]

if you do *action moves in a thread*

*barrel roll*

 

[Victarion]

IF and this is only IF...I scoured the web for threads about grieving and other sensitive issues and filled them with 3 guys 1 hammer, goatse and other things, would I be considered a comment troll?

 

[SuperFerret]

No, you would be considered Troll King.

 

[Aesop Rocks]

trolling is an art, and none of us are Pablo Picasso. :/

 

[Manic]

Troll?

 

[SuperFerret]

Can't it be both?

 

[Victarion]

My fragile mind was certainly a victim of a combination of the two at some point.

 

[Immortalfire]

The Hype swarms with D types during each new comic movie.

 

[SpideyInATree]

I was under the impression that a troll was someone who PURPOSELY starts an argument or is just looking for a cheap outrageous reaction from the others on the boards/comment section.

So, a troll is someone that just posts what their thoughts are off the top of their heads?

Then I guess about 99.9 % of the posters here and on every other message board in existence is a troll. Also, all those people on Fox News, CNN, etc. are trolls are well. Damn.

 

[Grievous]

I got in trouble by a mod on another board for bringing up something that only I was mad over in a thread that was not meant for that debate. That is my idea of a troll. When you don't let something go.

In case you won't to know I was mad after I heard on the Gears of War boards that before the dark corners map pack came out. The all fonts pack was leaked on Xbox Live at a super cheap price but was taken down before I was able to get it. I got very mad and posted on the Epic boards demanding that the pack be relisted in order to be fair. While the mod was only defending their boss's rep I'm sure you guys will agree that I had a right to be mad and in the Mod's case ''troll''

 

[Maximum Carnage]

Kids on XBOX LIVE that talk some mad ****: Troll.