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WASTING TIME
ISSUE #1
MB IS A TRAMP
PAGE 1:
1). Three men sit in a dimly lit strip club. Its 3PM on a Wednesday.
2). NICK: I dont see why I have to watch this.
3). MIKE: Shut up. You remember the deal.
NICK: That was made under duress.
4). MIKE: Shut up. In exchange for our friendship, you agreed to let us attempt to cure you of your homosexuality.
5). Nick sighs.
TEXT: Before we go any farther, maybe I should introduce us all.
PAGE 2:
1). TEXT BOX: "This is Nick. Hes gay."
NICK: But Chris isnt watching.
2). TEXT: This is Mike. Hes awful.
MIKE: One, Chris is straight. Two why arent you watching, Chris?
3). Chris has his head down, reading a comic book.
TEXT: This is Chris. Hes also awful. Also happens to be my brother sadly.
CHRIS: Im reading a comic.
4). MIKE: Youd rather read a comic than watch a beautiful woman undress?!
NICK (OFF PANEL): She is better than most of the women here at this time. No C-Section scars.
PAGE 3:
1). CHRIS: Its a comic featuring Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn naked.
2). MIKE: I
3). Mike leans over to look at the comic while Nick continues to watch the striptease in horror.
4). NICK: Are those stretch marks?
PAGE 4:
1). An old, rust-stained van is parked haphazardly in front of a well to-do home.
2). A fat finger ringing a doorbell.
3). The homeowners open the door to find
4). TEXT BOX: This is Edd. Hes Italian.
Edd is a dog-eared pizza box and a big grin on his face.
5). EDD: Heres your pizza, ****s!
PAGE 5:
1). MB stands in front of a mirror in his room. His hands balled into fists, a look of determination on his face.
3). MB: I
4. MB: AM
5). Batman!!!
TEXT BOX: This is MB. Born in Kentucky, raised in Indiana, and his entire family are Jehovahs Witnesses. Poor guy didnt stand a chance.
6). A scrawny red-headed guy sits on MBs bed texting.
DANTE: Seriously?!
TEXT BOX: This is Dante. Hes like MB, just smaller.
PAGE 6:
1). Chris is walking through a doorway, his hand still on the doorknob. A placard on the door reads FLEXO.
2). His expression becomes shocked.
3). A shot of a mechanically altered vacuum cleaner. Steam is coming out of oddly shaped, custom made vents
4). and it jerks wildly as it moves about the room. It would look fearsome if not for the two googly eyes taped on the top of it.
5). A shot of the bedrooms window, floor to wall drapes cover it. Theres very obviously a person standing behind them. In front of the face is a balloon with an angry face drawn on it.
6). FLEXO: WHO GOES THERE?!
TEXT BOX: This is Flexo. Hes been obsessed with steampunk (definition of steampunk) ever since he nearly choked to death on a jujube while watching The Rocketeer when he was 3. We think it caused brain damage.
PAGE 7:
1). Sara walking down a hallway in a healthclub with Chris and Mike trailing behind her goofing off. A pained expression is on Saras face.
TEXT BOX: And this is me I dont want to be here.
2). Another woman walks by.
SARA: Arent you looking healthy today.
3). CHRIS: Why did you say that?
4). SARA: She called What Not to Wear a gay show.
5). MIKE: Thats awesome!
6). Another shot of Sara. Her expression still pained.
TEXT BOX: Together we make up Wasting Time. Because thats what they do. They waste my time.
PAGE 8:
1). Chris and Mike walk through the door of a large suburban home and into the living room.
2). MIKE: And dont forget the time Sonny and Chers kid became a man all fat and hideous.
3). CHRIS: Oh, I know! Thats how it always is when you go female-to-male.
MIKE: Why is that?
4). CHRIS: I dont know! I mean, when its male-to-female, theres at least a chance theyll be hot. But none of those female-to-males are never
5). CHRIS: Oh wait.
PAGE 9:
1). MIKE: We shouldnt be talking about this.
2). CHRIS: Maybe I should leave?
MIKE: You live here!
3). CHRIS: Lets just cool out for a second here. What was the topic again?
MIKE: Trannies? No! I wanted to get MB laid!
4). CHRIS: Thats ironic. Considering youve only done it once.
5). MIKE: She was a lovely woman!
CHRIS: She cost me 300 bucks!
MIKE: And you know Im good for it!
PAGE 10:
1). MIKE: Seriously though, this is important. Im starting to get worried about him.
2). CHRIS: He has been practicing his Batman impersonation a lot recently.
3). A shot of the staircase leading up to the upstairs rooms.
MB (OFF-PANEL): Im BATMAN!!!
4). CHRIS: But therein lies the problem. Its MB. He has the livelihood of a piece of driftwood.
5). MIKE: Theres gotta be someway we can do it. We got you married.
6). CHRIS: You told me not to get married A lot.
CHRIS: MB! Get down here!
MIKE: Those were tests!
PAGE 11:
1). MB comes bounding down the stairs
2). to stand with Mike and Chris.
3). MIKE: Now MB, youre getting pretty frustrated sexually, arent you?
4). MB: To be honest I made a pass at the ottoman yesterday.
5). Exactly! Which is why I want to help you get laid.
6). MB: Mike, we all know thats impossible.
PAGE 12:
1). MIKE: But I have a plan! MB could never got laid, so well invent a whole new persona for you one thats actually, yknow, interesting.
2). MB has a shocked, insulted expression.
MB: What the ****?!
3). CHRIS: No, MB. Wait. This may actually work. I get where Mikes going. We wont send Alex Scott Campbell: Jehovahs Witness from Nowhere, Indiana out there
4). Mike grabs MB by the shoulder, and holds up his arm as if visually laying it all out for MB.
MIKE: Well send out Aaron Scott Campbell a well-to-do socialite from Somewhere, USA!
5). CHRIS: YES!
MIKE: YES!
MB: Oh no.
PAGE 13:
1). Chris bursts into Saras room.
2). Sara is on her bed. Not looking up from the book shes reading.
CHRIS: You know how I was telling you Mike was gay.
SARA: Many times.
3). CHRIS: Well, I think hes finally going to admit his undying love for MB.
4). SARA: Thats disgusting.
5). CHRIS: Oh, it is. But I think he still needs a little push over the edge.
SARA: And how are you going to do that?
6). Chris holds up a VHS copy of Lady and the Tramp and smiles.
PAGE 14:
1). Mike sits at the head of a large table in a darkened room only one bright light shines down onto the center of the table.
2). Seated around the table is Chris, Sara, MB
3). ..Nick, Dante, and Flexo.
4). One seat is empty with a placecard for Edd.
5). MIKE: Gentlemen, welcome! Ive assembled our inner circle this evening to discuss a matter of grave importance; MBs virginity.
6). MB: This is very embarrassing.
PAGE 15:
1). The meeting room again. Its obviously been several hours since the last page. Everyones clothes and hair are messy as if theyve been in great debate over the past few hours.
2). MIKE: So this is what we have so far:
MIKE: Aaron Scott Campbell is the son of a wealthy businessman from Silicon Valley.
3). CHRIS: But hes moved out here to make a name for himself.
4). FLEXO: Right now hes living above a bowling alley but thats only until he gets his real estate license.
5). NICK: His hobbies include outdoor sports, giving free flying lessons in his spare time, and volunteering down at the rec. center.
PAGE 16:
1). SARA: He had one previous relationship that ended when she left him for a German prince.
2). MIKE: Which took him quite a few years to get over its just recently that he feels he can love again.
3). MIKE: Got all of that, MB?
4). MB: Not at all.
5). MIKE: Thats okay. I wrote it down.
MIKE: Thoughts everyone?
PAGE 17:
1). NICK: Really lame.
FLEXO: I would prefer more of a steampunk element.
SARA: It could work.
CHRIS: Genius as always.
DANTE: What does this have to do with Batman?
2). MIKE: Okay
MIKE: MB: Shut up.
MIKE: Nick: Youre a ***.
MIKE: Chris and Sara: Onboard as always.
MIKE: Flexo: Your thoughts will be considered.
MIKE: Dante: Yours will be ignored.
3). Shot of Mike standing, leaning with both hands on the desk, a maniacal smile on his face.
MIKE: No whos ready to make some magic?!
4). The rest seated at the table are less amused.
PAGE 18:
1). Chris and Sara are at the counter of a flower shop.
2). CHRIS: Ill take two dozen short-stemmed roses red and white tipped, if possible
3). SARA: I dont see why I need to be here.
3). CHRIS: I needed help picking out the flowers.
SARA: I didnt help at all.
4). CHRIS: It was for moral support.
5). CHRIS: Plus, I need your help breaking off all of the thorns.
SARA: grr
PAGE 19:
1). Mike and MB in an old-style gym. MB is on a rowing machine, Mike stands over him with a bullhorn.
2). MIKE: Row! Row! Row! Row!
3). MB: Do you really need the bullhorn?
4). MIKE: Yes! It will scare the fat away.
MB: I really hate you.
5). MIKE: MB, this is all for your own good! Lets face facts:
MIKE: Youre a very large man. Large, rotund, boxy, hefty, fat, lard-assed
6). MB: I get the point!
PAGE 22:
1). MIKE: Oh no you dont. Youre a disgusting human being, MB. You need to get into shape.
2). Mike smiles and sucks in his gut.
MIKE: like me.
3). Mike spots an attractive woman across the gym.
4). He raises the bullhorn back to his mouth.
5). MIKE: Hi. Hows it going? You have a great ass!
6). The woman doesnt notice, but a man working out next to her seems offended.
PAGE 23:
1). MB gets off the rowing machine
2). goes over to some tredmills.
3). They both start running on them.
MIKE: Are you starting to remember your backstory?
4). MB: You read it to me every night using that bullhorn.
MIKE: Well, the louder it is, the more important it is!
5). MB: You do it at 3AM! Im tired!
6). MIKE: Exactly! You cant be tired when youre banging a buxom blonde at 3AM!
PAGE 24:
1). Chris and Sara are outside of the gym, spying into the front window.
2). SARA: Why are we here?
CHRIS: Visual confirmation.
3). Of what?
CHRIS: Mikes desire to see MB in spandex!
4). SARA: MBs wearing sweats ?
CHRIS: There!
5). CHRIS: Mike just told that guy that he has a great ass!
SARA: You can read lips?
6). Chris has an embarrassed expression.
CHRIS: No I was looking at it too.
PAGE 25:
1). Chris and Sara walk around the back of an Italian restaurant. Both have rolled up posers under their arms.
2). SARA: Isnt this a little on the nose?
CHRIS: Not really.
3). SARA: But isnt it just like Lady and the Tramp?
CHRIS: Ive never seen the film.
4). Sara just glares back.
5). SARA: I hate you.
6). CHRIS: Probably. But help me put these banners up.
PAGE 26:
1). A giant shot of the back alley once all of the banners are up. They read:
I LOVE YOU MIKE!
CIVIL UNION ME, MB!
and several others are just various other pictures of famous gay men: Ian McKellen, Neil Patrick Harris, George Takai, Bruce Vilanch, etc.
PAGE 27:
1). Mike and MB are walking down the street.
2). MIKE: Now MB.
3). MB: What?
4). MIKE: Hit on that woman.
5). MB: Which one?
6). MIKE: That one.
7). MB: Do you think shes my type?
8). God dammit, MB, just do it!
PAGE 28:
1). MB: Im not in the mood.
2). MIKE: Its talking. Not Chinese food!
3). MB: Im very uncomfortable with this.
4). MIKE: Hold on
PAGE 29:
1). Mike stops at a newspaper vending machine
2). Sticks in a quarter
3). Picks up a paper
4). Rolls it up
5). And hits it over MB over the head with it.
6). MIKE: Go.
PAGE 30:
1). MB comes walking back having obviously talked to the woman. Mike is sitting on a park bench.
2). MIKE: How did it go?
3). MB has a shellshocked expression.
MB: I I think I sold her life insurance.
4). MIKE: What the ****?!
5). MB: It just slipped out.
6). MIKE: How does that just slip out?! Its not your penis!
PAGE 31:
1). MIKE: Youre supposed to be a real estate agent!
2). MB: They dont sell life insurance?
3). Mike hits MB with the newspaper again.
PAGE 32:
1). Close up shot of Chris.
CHRIS: Now the key to all of this...is music.
3). Shot of Chris and Sara standing in a music store in the mall. Chris is holding a CD.
SARA: Lady Gaga?
4). CHRIS: The gays love Lady Gaga!
5). SARA: But Mike and MB hate Lady Gaga.
6). CHRIS: Not anymore they don't, they're gay.
PAGE 33:
1). Chris and Sara walk out into the mall.
2). CHRIS: Look, watch this...
3). Chris stops an obviously gay man who's walking by. He's wearing Capri jeans, sandals, and a tank top. His name is GARY.
CHRIS: Excuse me, do you like Lady Gaga?
4). GARY: She's incredible!
Chris has his head turned to Sara.
CHRIS: See!
5). Chris turns back to the gay man.
CHRIS: Give me your phone number.
PAGE 34:
1). SARA: ...why did you ask him for his number.
CHRIS: For future inquiry.
3). SARA: But you know Nick already.
CHRIS: Who do you thinks going to do the inquiring?
3). SARA: But he probably thinks your gay now.
CHRIS: No, he doesn't. I'm with you.
4). SARA: That's disgusting.
CHRIS: But he doesn't know that!
PAGE 35:
1). CHRIS: With the purchase of this CD, everything's complete.
2). Chris whips out his cell phone.
CHRIS: Now to call our two little lovebirds.
3). Elsewhere, Mike sits in a well-decorated study reading a porn magazine. Bookshelves cover the walls and next to Mike's high back leather chair is a red telephone. It rings.
4). MIKE: This is Batman.
5). Mike springs from his chair.
MIKE: Girls?! Where?!
6). MIKE: We'll be right there. Do not **** them!
PAGE 36:
1). Mike dashes out of the study...
2). And into the hall...
3). As he's running...
4). He changes...
5). Into new clothes.
6). He slides to a stop in front of MB's door.
MIKE: This is it.
PAGE 37:
1). MB lays in bed fast asleep.
2). Mike stands behind him with his bullhorn.
3). MIKE: WAKE UP, MB!!!!!!
4). MB leaps from bed, startled.
5). MB: What the hell?! It's 3 o'clock.
6). MIKE: In the afternoon.
7). MB: I went to bed an hour ago.
8). Mike just stands there with the bullhorn at his side. Shocked.
PAGE 38:
1). Mike and MB are walking past the front door of the Italian restaurant and towards the back alley.
2). MIKE: Now, MB. Chris said there'd be loads of chicks here. Maybe even approaching "tonnage".
MB: And do you think anyone will like me?
3). MIKE: Oh God, no. But I've got a shot.
MIKE: And who knows...maybe you'll sell some insurance.
4). MB: I could use the money.
5). Mike just scowls at MB.
PAGE 39:
1). MIKE: Anyway, maybe we can try this whole "getting laid" thing again in a few years...
MB: Is that Lady Gaga?
MIKE: When you're older.
2). Mike and MB turn the corner into the alley...
3). And with shocked and horrified expressions see...
4). A huge shot of The back alley. Gaga, is playing loudly, spotlights shine onto all of the banners, and what appears to be the neon gang from Batman Forever are doing aerobatics.
PAGE 40:
1). Chris stands at the edge of this menagerie, dressed in a top hat and a suit jacket covered with flashing LED-lit Cs. Sara stands beside him, disinterested. A single flashing LED-lit S taped to her shirt.
CHRIS: Tada!
2). Mike is pissed. MB seems more in awe than anything.
CHRIS: So...what do you think?
MB: This is actually...really impressive.
3). MIKE: What's wrong with you?! We're not ****ing gay!
MB: This actually made my day a lot better. Thanks, Chris.
4). Chris smiles wide.
CHRIS: Now we'll leave you to gay up this back alley in peace.
CHRIS: Sara! Nick!
5). Sara follow starts to follow Chris out of the alley.
6). Nick joins them. Dressed in nothing but a loin clothe and painted head to toe in neon.
PAGE 41:
1). A full page shot of the alley. Mike and MB stand in the corner of the frame. Mike irritated and MB delighted.
THE END.
ISSUE #1
MB IS A TRAMP
PAGE 1:
1). Three men sit in a dimly lit strip club. Its 3PM on a Wednesday.
2). NICK: I dont see why I have to watch this.
3). MIKE: Shut up. You remember the deal.
NICK: That was made under duress.
4). MIKE: Shut up. In exchange for our friendship, you agreed to let us attempt to cure you of your homosexuality.
5). Nick sighs.
TEXT: Before we go any farther, maybe I should introduce us all.
PAGE 2:
1). TEXT BOX: "This is Nick. Hes gay."
NICK: But Chris isnt watching.
2). TEXT: This is Mike. Hes awful.
MIKE: One, Chris is straight. Two why arent you watching, Chris?
3). Chris has his head down, reading a comic book.
TEXT: This is Chris. Hes also awful. Also happens to be my brother sadly.
CHRIS: Im reading a comic.
4). MIKE: Youd rather read a comic than watch a beautiful woman undress?!
NICK (OFF PANEL): She is better than most of the women here at this time. No C-Section scars.
PAGE 3:
1). CHRIS: Its a comic featuring Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn naked.
2). MIKE: I
3). Mike leans over to look at the comic while Nick continues to watch the striptease in horror.
4). NICK: Are those stretch marks?
PAGE 4:
1). An old, rust-stained van is parked haphazardly in front of a well to-do home.
2). A fat finger ringing a doorbell.
3). The homeowners open the door to find
4). TEXT BOX: This is Edd. Hes Italian.
Edd is a dog-eared pizza box and a big grin on his face.
5). EDD: Heres your pizza, ****s!
PAGE 5:
1). MB stands in front of a mirror in his room. His hands balled into fists, a look of determination on his face.
3). MB: I
4. MB: AM
5). Batman!!!
TEXT BOX: This is MB. Born in Kentucky, raised in Indiana, and his entire family are Jehovahs Witnesses. Poor guy didnt stand a chance.
6). A scrawny red-headed guy sits on MBs bed texting.
DANTE: Seriously?!
TEXT BOX: This is Dante. Hes like MB, just smaller.
PAGE 6:
1). Chris is walking through a doorway, his hand still on the doorknob. A placard on the door reads FLEXO.
2). His expression becomes shocked.
3). A shot of a mechanically altered vacuum cleaner. Steam is coming out of oddly shaped, custom made vents
4). and it jerks wildly as it moves about the room. It would look fearsome if not for the two googly eyes taped on the top of it.
5). A shot of the bedrooms window, floor to wall drapes cover it. Theres very obviously a person standing behind them. In front of the face is a balloon with an angry face drawn on it.
6). FLEXO: WHO GOES THERE?!
TEXT BOX: This is Flexo. Hes been obsessed with steampunk (definition of steampunk) ever since he nearly choked to death on a jujube while watching The Rocketeer when he was 3. We think it caused brain damage.
PAGE 7:
1). Sara walking down a hallway in a healthclub with Chris and Mike trailing behind her goofing off. A pained expression is on Saras face.
TEXT BOX: And this is me I dont want to be here.
2). Another woman walks by.
SARA: Arent you looking healthy today.
3). CHRIS: Why did you say that?
4). SARA: She called What Not to Wear a gay show.
5). MIKE: Thats awesome!
6). Another shot of Sara. Her expression still pained.
TEXT BOX: Together we make up Wasting Time. Because thats what they do. They waste my time.
PAGE 8:
1). Chris and Mike walk through the door of a large suburban home and into the living room.
2). MIKE: And dont forget the time Sonny and Chers kid became a man all fat and hideous.
3). CHRIS: Oh, I know! Thats how it always is when you go female-to-male.
MIKE: Why is that?
4). CHRIS: I dont know! I mean, when its male-to-female, theres at least a chance theyll be hot. But none of those female-to-males are never
5). CHRIS: Oh wait.
PAGE 9:
1). MIKE: We shouldnt be talking about this.
2). CHRIS: Maybe I should leave?
MIKE: You live here!
3). CHRIS: Lets just cool out for a second here. What was the topic again?
MIKE: Trannies? No! I wanted to get MB laid!
4). CHRIS: Thats ironic. Considering youve only done it once.
5). MIKE: She was a lovely woman!
CHRIS: She cost me 300 bucks!
MIKE: And you know Im good for it!
PAGE 10:
1). MIKE: Seriously though, this is important. Im starting to get worried about him.
2). CHRIS: He has been practicing his Batman impersonation a lot recently.
3). A shot of the staircase leading up to the upstairs rooms.
MB (OFF-PANEL): Im BATMAN!!!
4). CHRIS: But therein lies the problem. Its MB. He has the livelihood of a piece of driftwood.
5). MIKE: Theres gotta be someway we can do it. We got you married.
6). CHRIS: You told me not to get married A lot.
CHRIS: MB! Get down here!
MIKE: Those were tests!
PAGE 11:
1). MB comes bounding down the stairs
2). to stand with Mike and Chris.
3). MIKE: Now MB, youre getting pretty frustrated sexually, arent you?
4). MB: To be honest I made a pass at the ottoman yesterday.
5). Exactly! Which is why I want to help you get laid.
6). MB: Mike, we all know thats impossible.
PAGE 12:
1). MIKE: But I have a plan! MB could never got laid, so well invent a whole new persona for you one thats actually, yknow, interesting.
2). MB has a shocked, insulted expression.
MB: What the ****?!
3). CHRIS: No, MB. Wait. This may actually work. I get where Mikes going. We wont send Alex Scott Campbell: Jehovahs Witness from Nowhere, Indiana out there
4). Mike grabs MB by the shoulder, and holds up his arm as if visually laying it all out for MB.
MIKE: Well send out Aaron Scott Campbell a well-to-do socialite from Somewhere, USA!
5). CHRIS: YES!
MIKE: YES!
MB: Oh no.
PAGE 13:
1). Chris bursts into Saras room.
2). Sara is on her bed. Not looking up from the book shes reading.
CHRIS: You know how I was telling you Mike was gay.
SARA: Many times.
3). CHRIS: Well, I think hes finally going to admit his undying love for MB.
4). SARA: Thats disgusting.
5). CHRIS: Oh, it is. But I think he still needs a little push over the edge.
SARA: And how are you going to do that?
6). Chris holds up a VHS copy of Lady and the Tramp and smiles.
PAGE 14:
1). Mike sits at the head of a large table in a darkened room only one bright light shines down onto the center of the table.
2). Seated around the table is Chris, Sara, MB
3). ..Nick, Dante, and Flexo.
4). One seat is empty with a placecard for Edd.
5). MIKE: Gentlemen, welcome! Ive assembled our inner circle this evening to discuss a matter of grave importance; MBs virginity.
6). MB: This is very embarrassing.
PAGE 15:
1). The meeting room again. Its obviously been several hours since the last page. Everyones clothes and hair are messy as if theyve been in great debate over the past few hours.
2). MIKE: So this is what we have so far:
MIKE: Aaron Scott Campbell is the son of a wealthy businessman from Silicon Valley.
3). CHRIS: But hes moved out here to make a name for himself.
4). FLEXO: Right now hes living above a bowling alley but thats only until he gets his real estate license.
5). NICK: His hobbies include outdoor sports, giving free flying lessons in his spare time, and volunteering down at the rec. center.
PAGE 16:
1). SARA: He had one previous relationship that ended when she left him for a German prince.
2). MIKE: Which took him quite a few years to get over its just recently that he feels he can love again.
3). MIKE: Got all of that, MB?
4). MB: Not at all.
5). MIKE: Thats okay. I wrote it down.
MIKE: Thoughts everyone?
PAGE 17:
1). NICK: Really lame.
FLEXO: I would prefer more of a steampunk element.
SARA: It could work.
CHRIS: Genius as always.
DANTE: What does this have to do with Batman?
2). MIKE: Okay
MIKE: MB: Shut up.
MIKE: Nick: Youre a ***.
MIKE: Chris and Sara: Onboard as always.
MIKE: Flexo: Your thoughts will be considered.
MIKE: Dante: Yours will be ignored.
3). Shot of Mike standing, leaning with both hands on the desk, a maniacal smile on his face.
MIKE: No whos ready to make some magic?!
4). The rest seated at the table are less amused.
PAGE 18:
1). Chris and Sara are at the counter of a flower shop.
2). CHRIS: Ill take two dozen short-stemmed roses red and white tipped, if possible
3). SARA: I dont see why I need to be here.
3). CHRIS: I needed help picking out the flowers.
SARA: I didnt help at all.
4). CHRIS: It was for moral support.
5). CHRIS: Plus, I need your help breaking off all of the thorns.
SARA: grr
PAGE 19:
1). Mike and MB in an old-style gym. MB is on a rowing machine, Mike stands over him with a bullhorn.
2). MIKE: Row! Row! Row! Row!
3). MB: Do you really need the bullhorn?
4). MIKE: Yes! It will scare the fat away.
MB: I really hate you.
5). MIKE: MB, this is all for your own good! Lets face facts:
MIKE: Youre a very large man. Large, rotund, boxy, hefty, fat, lard-assed
6). MB: I get the point!
PAGE 22:
1). MIKE: Oh no you dont. Youre a disgusting human being, MB. You need to get into shape.
2). Mike smiles and sucks in his gut.
MIKE: like me.
3). Mike spots an attractive woman across the gym.
4). He raises the bullhorn back to his mouth.
5). MIKE: Hi. Hows it going? You have a great ass!
6). The woman doesnt notice, but a man working out next to her seems offended.
PAGE 23:
1). MB gets off the rowing machine
2). goes over to some tredmills.
3). They both start running on them.
MIKE: Are you starting to remember your backstory?
4). MB: You read it to me every night using that bullhorn.
MIKE: Well, the louder it is, the more important it is!
5). MB: You do it at 3AM! Im tired!
6). MIKE: Exactly! You cant be tired when youre banging a buxom blonde at 3AM!
PAGE 24:
1). Chris and Sara are outside of the gym, spying into the front window.
2). SARA: Why are we here?
CHRIS: Visual confirmation.
3). Of what?
CHRIS: Mikes desire to see MB in spandex!
4). SARA: MBs wearing sweats ?
CHRIS: There!
5). CHRIS: Mike just told that guy that he has a great ass!
SARA: You can read lips?
6). Chris has an embarrassed expression.
CHRIS: No I was looking at it too.
PAGE 25:
1). Chris and Sara walk around the back of an Italian restaurant. Both have rolled up posers under their arms.
2). SARA: Isnt this a little on the nose?
CHRIS: Not really.
3). SARA: But isnt it just like Lady and the Tramp?
CHRIS: Ive never seen the film.
4). Sara just glares back.
5). SARA: I hate you.
6). CHRIS: Probably. But help me put these banners up.
PAGE 26:
1). A giant shot of the back alley once all of the banners are up. They read:
I LOVE YOU MIKE!
CIVIL UNION ME, MB!
and several others are just various other pictures of famous gay men: Ian McKellen, Neil Patrick Harris, George Takai, Bruce Vilanch, etc.
PAGE 27:
1). Mike and MB are walking down the street.
2). MIKE: Now MB.
3). MB: What?
4). MIKE: Hit on that woman.
5). MB: Which one?
6). MIKE: That one.
7). MB: Do you think shes my type?
8). God dammit, MB, just do it!
PAGE 28:
1). MB: Im not in the mood.
2). MIKE: Its talking. Not Chinese food!
3). MB: Im very uncomfortable with this.
4). MIKE: Hold on
PAGE 29:
1). Mike stops at a newspaper vending machine
2). Sticks in a quarter
3). Picks up a paper
4). Rolls it up
5). And hits it over MB over the head with it.
6). MIKE: Go.
PAGE 30:
1). MB comes walking back having obviously talked to the woman. Mike is sitting on a park bench.
2). MIKE: How did it go?
3). MB has a shellshocked expression.
MB: I I think I sold her life insurance.
4). MIKE: What the ****?!
5). MB: It just slipped out.
6). MIKE: How does that just slip out?! Its not your penis!
PAGE 31:
1). MIKE: Youre supposed to be a real estate agent!
2). MB: They dont sell life insurance?
3). Mike hits MB with the newspaper again.
PAGE 32:
1). Close up shot of Chris.
CHRIS: Now the key to all of this...is music.
3). Shot of Chris and Sara standing in a music store in the mall. Chris is holding a CD.
SARA: Lady Gaga?
4). CHRIS: The gays love Lady Gaga!
5). SARA: But Mike and MB hate Lady Gaga.
6). CHRIS: Not anymore they don't, they're gay.
PAGE 33:
1). Chris and Sara walk out into the mall.
2). CHRIS: Look, watch this...
3). Chris stops an obviously gay man who's walking by. He's wearing Capri jeans, sandals, and a tank top. His name is GARY.
CHRIS: Excuse me, do you like Lady Gaga?
4). GARY: She's incredible!
Chris has his head turned to Sara.
CHRIS: See!
5). Chris turns back to the gay man.
CHRIS: Give me your phone number.
PAGE 34:
1). SARA: ...why did you ask him for his number.
CHRIS: For future inquiry.
3). SARA: But you know Nick already.
CHRIS: Who do you thinks going to do the inquiring?
3). SARA: But he probably thinks your gay now.
CHRIS: No, he doesn't. I'm with you.
4). SARA: That's disgusting.
CHRIS: But he doesn't know that!
PAGE 35:
1). CHRIS: With the purchase of this CD, everything's complete.
2). Chris whips out his cell phone.
CHRIS: Now to call our two little lovebirds.
3). Elsewhere, Mike sits in a well-decorated study reading a porn magazine. Bookshelves cover the walls and next to Mike's high back leather chair is a red telephone. It rings.
4). MIKE: This is Batman.
5). Mike springs from his chair.
MIKE: Girls?! Where?!
6). MIKE: We'll be right there. Do not **** them!
PAGE 36:
1). Mike dashes out of the study...
2). And into the hall...
3). As he's running...
4). He changes...
5). Into new clothes.
6). He slides to a stop in front of MB's door.
MIKE: This is it.
PAGE 37:
1). MB lays in bed fast asleep.
2). Mike stands behind him with his bullhorn.
3). MIKE: WAKE UP, MB!!!!!!
4). MB leaps from bed, startled.
5). MB: What the hell?! It's 3 o'clock.
6). MIKE: In the afternoon.
7). MB: I went to bed an hour ago.
8). Mike just stands there with the bullhorn at his side. Shocked.
PAGE 38:
1). Mike and MB are walking past the front door of the Italian restaurant and towards the back alley.
2). MIKE: Now, MB. Chris said there'd be loads of chicks here. Maybe even approaching "tonnage".
MB: And do you think anyone will like me?
3). MIKE: Oh God, no. But I've got a shot.
MIKE: And who knows...maybe you'll sell some insurance.
4). MB: I could use the money.
5). Mike just scowls at MB.
PAGE 39:
1). MIKE: Anyway, maybe we can try this whole "getting laid" thing again in a few years...
MB: Is that Lady Gaga?
MIKE: When you're older.
2). Mike and MB turn the corner into the alley...
3). And with shocked and horrified expressions see...
4). A huge shot of The back alley. Gaga, is playing loudly, spotlights shine onto all of the banners, and what appears to be the neon gang from Batman Forever are doing aerobatics.
PAGE 40:
1). Chris stands at the edge of this menagerie, dressed in a top hat and a suit jacket covered with flashing LED-lit Cs. Sara stands beside him, disinterested. A single flashing LED-lit S taped to her shirt.
CHRIS: Tada!
2). Mike is pissed. MB seems more in awe than anything.
CHRIS: So...what do you think?
MB: This is actually...really impressive.
3). MIKE: What's wrong with you?! We're not ****ing gay!
MB: This actually made my day a lot better. Thanks, Chris.
4). Chris smiles wide.
CHRIS: Now we'll leave you to gay up this back alley in peace.
CHRIS: Sara! Nick!
5). Sara follow starts to follow Chris out of the alley.
6). Nick joins them. Dressed in nothing but a loin clothe and painted head to toe in neon.
PAGE 41:
1). A full page shot of the alley. Mike and MB stand in the corner of the frame. Mike irritated and MB delighted.
THE END.
