Pokémon It's the Pokemon thread

[Not Jake]

This thread is dedicated to all the Bug Catchers I've loved.



Welcome Pokemaniacs, to the single greatest thread of all goddamn time. This is a place for people who walk around in video game weeds for thirty goddamn minutes just to find a Pikachu amongst Caterpie. A place where people know how many steps a Super Repel will keep wild Pokemon away. A place where we all whine about how we wish Magmar's evolution wouldn't suck so much gay ass. A place to wax poetic about Wobuffet, to make tampon jokes about Chimecho, to know the pain of finding Feebas, and to share suicide attempt stories after being in a cave for 5 minutes DAMN YOU ZUBATS. Here, my little master trainers, we will discuss with vigor which Eeveelution is the best, and perhaps post essays about how much we hate whichever Pokemon pokerubs us the pokewrong pokeway.

Also, you can't see it in this pic, but Snorlax is getting reamed by Mew. Snorlax usually doesn't play catcher, but when Mew eyes your fat ass you best RESPEKT.

 

[Not Jake]

As a Pokemon trainer, I have decided to abandon my bipolar mother to go play with animals, 90% of which classifiable under R for Retahhhded. Last night I fed all of mom's medicine to a Rattata and watched it slowly die in the grass behind my house. Without her medicine, she'll let me wander around the country by myself, age 11. B*tch shoulda let me go three years ago. Hope she can get her prescription refilled before she starts cutting herself. Later, mom!

I walk into Professor Oak's lab to get my Bulbasaur (I love Bulbasaur!!!) but no one is there and it appears all three pokeballs that I saw on the table yesterday are gone. I spot a pokeball on the floor behind a bookshelf though, and pick it up. It's Geodude. KILL ME NOW GOD.

I wander over to Professor Oak's desk, intending to send my regards to him in a manner described by the ancient ones as smashing his goddamn computer , when something catches my eye. He's still logged in, and a folder titled WORK STUFF is opened. It's filled with 5 gigs of Hitmonlee-on-Hitmonchan pornography and a file entitled NOT MY DIARY.

It's his diary.

Oak's Diary: entry 27

Dear Diary,

Today I flew to Cinnabar Island. I think my Level 2 Pidgey is noticing my recent weight gain, as it crashed and died when it hit the water 10 feet off the shore of Pallet Town. I waded back to shore and got a Farfetch'd that I traded some young girl an Abra for. I wanted to name it Jeremy but it's already got some dumb name. I don't get girls.

The Farfetch'd flew me to Cinnabar, with minor back problems as a result. The nurse asked why it had stick-shaped welts on the back of its head. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT IT FELL DOWN THE STAIRS.

Talked to Blaine. I really like his moustache. It's so well-shaped. I wish I could grow facial hair like Blaine. I told him his Rapidash was a fine beast and he smiled at me. I felt funny inside when he did it, it was like his smile was made of sunrays and that they were shining inside my tummy. Looking forward to seeing him on our hiking trip next week, away from the wives! Note to self: buy new, smaller tent.

xoxoxoxo
-Oak


I don't know why he signs x's and o's to himself.

 

[Not Jake]

Did you know that if you take out the P and C and scramble the remaining letters around, Pikachu is nothing but a yellow electric haiku?


Some Pokemon rule
But some are poorly crafted;
Looking at you, Jynx

 

[Not Jake]

Seriously though guys, what's the deal with Pokemon who get both Rock/Ground typed. Water AND Grass are quadruple effective? Probably the worst typing of a Pokemon ever. Seriously, if Pokemon were real, and I was offered an ultimatum between taking a Geodude and cutting off my own dick, bye bye dick.


I'd be the proud owner of Inchy, the severed penis pokemon.

Inchy used Harden!

But it failed!

 

[Darren Daring]

Didja hear about the new pokemon game where you play... as the pokemon?
Who are the Ad Wizards who came up with this one?

 

[hippie_hunter]

This thread is scaring me

 

[Darren Daring]

And what's the deal with Nidoking? I mean, Poison, Ground, make up your mind already!

 

[SuperFerret]

Koffing will always have a special place in my heart.

 

[Kipobe]

Who are the Ad Wizards who came up with this one?

I made a thread entitled this, and I just came accross it today. Ew.

 

[XwolverineX]

This thread is scaring me

Wtf happened to caps locks? Failure.

 

[Darren Daring]

I made a thread entitled this, and I just came accross it today. Ew.

That was partly the inspiration for my statement. That and that one SNL sketch.

 

[Kipobe]

Oh yeah, I was trying to remember the origin. Haha, Seinfeld.

 

[Darren Daring]

he's funny

 

[Kipobe]

Yeah, I can even bypass his Jewish roots. Stupid Jews.
Although, he does sound like he has a perma-cold.

Go Pokemon!!!!!

 

[Darren Daring]

I always took Squirtle. Because my nemesis wouldn't have Charizard at the end, and I'd still be able to do the quadruple damage on his Gyrados with my elctric pokemon.

 

[chosen1]

Man i was the pokemon master when the blue and red games came out on gameboy.

I saw the show recently and I was like WTF?

New pokemon???

Snorlax
Cyther

Have evolved forms??

Does anyone know if these evolved forms are legitament now they were rumors back when I was king.

Charazard - Charcolt
Blastoise - Rainer

 

[TKing]

I thought Pokeman fans were a dying breed.

 

[Darren Daring]

I think you should go away when grown ups are talking.

 

[Lackey]

I thought Pokeman fans were a dying breed.

The only dying breed is Ekans...now there's a worthless pokemon if I ever saw one. I wish I could feed pokemon to other pokemon.

 

[Kipobe]

I know nothing of pokemon. Nothing. Shame.

 

[Lackey]

Is it just me or does anyone else think a Kabutops looks remarkably similar to a Space Pirate from Metroid? You think that was done on purpose?

 

[Brainiac 8]

I think they should make a Sphinctersaur pokemon.

It's attacks could be the:

Double Cheek Slap Attack
Fuzzy Wind Attack
Flung Poo Attack

The possibilities would be endless.t:

 

[Not Jake]

Yeah, it might even get a funny attack some day

 

[Not Jake]

Man i was the pokemon master when the blue and red games came out on gameboy.

I saw the show recently and I was like WTF?

New pokemon???

Snorlax
Cyther

Have evolved forms??

Does anyone know if these evolved forms are legitament now they were rumors back when I was king.

Charazard - Charcolt
Blastoise - Rainer

Yes. Snorlax evolves into Slobore, Cyther into Cyclor, Charazard into Charbolt, a fire/electric dragon, and Blastoise's evolved name isn't anything stupid like Rainer, it's Wetturtle.

 

[Not Jake]

A sonnet, by Pikachu

Pika pika
Pikachu
Pikachu chu chu
Pika pik pik
Chu chu pika
Pika pika pikachu
Chuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu


Truly one of the master songwriters of our time I hear Paul Simon wrote a duet for himself and Pikachu Let's hope it's as good as his Hitmonchan ballad, what was that called again?...