I understand what you are saying, but I don't think it is that simple.
Maybe or maybe not, but simplicity is an excellent starting point for change and reform.
I also don't think that the fact folks use the word indicates a lack of civility or respect for ones self.
Not necessary in individual cases, but as an entire group where the use of the word is culturally accepted should make us question our ethnic mindset in light of the original use of the word and what effects that slavery, segregation, and discrimation continue to have on African-Americans to this very day.
It is possible to adopt a negative word and subjugate it for ones own culture. It happens all the time, and in fact helps de-mystify and de-stigmatize the word.
Not only possible but it happens all the time but that doesn't mean that its right. I don't want my son and daughters to think of themselves as ******s/*****s even nor calling their friends or family by that term, even as a "term of endearment." That makes us look like a very foolish people. I don't hear Jews calling themselves the offensive names that other have called them throughout history. Why, I think its because that have self-respect and dignity. Like the proverb, "As a man thinketh in his heart so is he."
Since I don't think of myself as a ******, I don't have the emotional trigger to react if someone calls me one as a derogatory remark.
Yet, I find "enlightened" attitudes like yours a bit offensive....that's just me though.