Paul Jenkins responds to "The Return"

[BrianWilly]

...I hope to Buffy that he was still doped up on unmentionable and possibly illegal drugs while he was writing this, because that's essentially the only way that a word of this makes a lick of sense.

While he doesn't quite approach Willingham's "How do you like them apples" response to Leslie in Batman, by gosh he's trying his darndest!

http://www.newsarama.com/general/Flogging/Flogging30.html

FLOGGING A DEAD HORSE: WHILE YOU WERE UNCONSCIOUS
by Paul Jenkins

(Newsarama Note: Like the new logo image? Yeah, after 30 columns, and Newsarama's still standing, despite Paul's claim his column would be the end of us, it was time for one that made sense. This one? "Paul vs. the Internet" by the ever-talented Chris Moreno, of Sidekick fame. Hey - the trade for Sidekick is coming out before too long, so keep an eye out for it, will you?)

Hello Chums!

Any of you still paying attention will remember that I had previously promised to submit your regular dose of Jenko-Merriment on roughly a bi-weekly basis. It has been roughly a month since my last column. Obviously those numbers, much like my yearly creative tax returns, do not add up.

I spent the first part of the month in Los Angeles, directing a series of short films with my partner in crime, “Crazy” Rob Prior. I spent much of the second half in a state of semi-consciousness after yet another major reconstructive knee surgery. Frankly, I’m inclined to think the second half of the month made more sense than the first.

I will regale you with tales of Hollywood madness in a future <i>Flogging</i>. Suffice to say, I rubbed elbow with the stars to such an extent that I have rug burn. I’m afraid both Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie have fallen in love with me. And while I would like to talk about the Golden Globes, I feel I have already covered that subject in last month’s spot about the Jenkins Christmas party.

No, dear reader, you will have to wait for a little while for me to gather my thoughts, collect some exclusive photos from the shoot, and complete my therapy sessions.

In the meantime, I bring you a stubborn little spot I like to call…

While You Were Unconscious

It was a strange week, dear chums.

My latest knee surgery was quite comprehensive, and the following few days were kind of rough. Those of you who have read past Floggings will know that we are up to knee surgery number six, which seems like a good number to end on, if you ask my opinion.

Pain pills do not agree with me. For example, I tend to think that being conscious is a fine and noble endeavor, while the little red pills are of the opinion that auditory and visual hallucinations should be the norm. The little white pills are even more stubbornly disagreeable – they yell at me from across the room, and criticize my every move.

The week was hazy, to say the least: I remember my doctor asking me the square root of seventeen just moments before surgery, and everything following that is a blank. The surgery took roughly four and a half hours – two hours to “experimentally” rebuild my errant LCL ligament, half an hour to pull out the meniscus, and another two hours to mug for snapshots with my unconscious body.

All in all, they put twenty-nine staples down the side of my leg. Let me assure you that the only thing more painful than the actual surgery is the removal of twenty-nine surgical staples.

I hope you had a great week you bunch of *****.

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes… barely conscious.

In this drug-addled state, I received a telephone call from Herr Oberleutnant Steppenfuehrer von Brady, politely inquiring as to when he could expect to see another episode of Flogging, as per our legally binding agreement.

“Paul,” he gently hissed in his clipped German accent, “when can I expect to see another episode of Flogging, as per our legally binding agreement?”

“Oh, God… my leg. It really hurts.”

“Yes, yes… so when do I get the column?”

“Aughh… are you an angel? I see dead people.”

After a brief exchange, during which Herr Brady generously offered to garrote my entire family and urinate on their smoldering remains, I began to see things more clearly. As it turned out, a lot had been happening while I was unconscious. For one thing, Civil War: The Return had hit the stands. And boy… people were pissed!

Now for those of you who don't read comics (pat yourself on the back – you deserve it), The Return deals with the reappearance of a long-dead Marvel character named, coincidentally, Captain Marvel. The Good Captain had been “Comically Dead” for a number of years following a bout with cancer. Comically Dead is almost the same as Clinically Dead but with one major and very important difference: people who die in comics don't stay dead for very long.

Indeed, the world of comics is littered with arbitrary resurrections bordering on the miraculous. Spider-Man’s lovely old Aunt May died many years ago, only for the general public to be informed that the person who actually kicked the bucket was, in fact, a genetically altered actress clone of the old dear. Suspend your disbelief, dear reader, for it gets worse. The Green Goblin has had more comebacks than John Travolta. Batman has been “killed” so many times that he has his very own mausoleum in the West Wing of Stately Wayne Manor. Hell, I’ve written him twice and killed him twice – that has to be some kind of record.

For those of you who have been pissing and moaning all week about the massive waste of time and money that is The Return, I would like to give you a brief insight into the major planning session behind it. The following is a transcript of the extensive telephone conversation between myself and Marvel Editor, Steve Wacker (formerly of DC’s 52 series, now bolted to a desk in Tom Brevoort’s “Hazing” wing of Marvel Entertainment).

“Jenkins!”

“Wacker! How’s the leopard?”

“A lot less snippy since they fed him an intern. I need something from you. They want you to bring back Captain Marvel.”

“Who?”

“Captain Marvel. He’s dead. We want to bring him back because it is our sincere intention to alienate every single Marvel fan as part of a major promotional campaign leading into next summer. Can you write something horrible by Monday?”

“Okay. Send me reference for this guy. Was his death quick?”

“No. Slow and painful.”

“But you want a quickie resurrection?”

“Yeah. Thirteen pages. Tops.”

“No problem. I’m your man.”

“Oh, and a Sentry story. Ten Pages. Don’t think too hard – it’s just the Sentry.”

“I won’t.”

Those of you who have professed your loathing for The Return – and there are hundreds of thousands of you by your own estimate – will take some small comfort in the fact that this comic was, by design, intended to insult you. I will admit though, that it came a quite a shock to wake from my pain-induced coma to the ****-storm of hatred aimed in my general direction.

I should have known to expect something like this. A few weeks ago I made the rookie mistake of speaking directly to fans via this esteemed website when I wrote in to explain a discrepancy in the solicitation for Civil War: Front Lines #11. To be honest, it was an apology for a mistake made in the solicitation copy, although it was described as an “apology” (in quote marks) by one “fan.” Four hundred and sixty venomous posts later, I was a beaten dog. I had not realized I was some loathed by so many of you. But I was unprepared for the fallout from The Return.

Apparently, some fans were expecting our thirteen-page resurrection story to more comprehensively cover the specifics of the Good Captain’s life, death, afterlife, resurrection, hopes, dreams, fears and hobbies. It gave me pause to consider what may have happened to other noble works of literature, given the 13-page constraint:

13-page Hamlet

Ghost: “Whoo… Hamlet… avenge me.”

Hamlet: “Sorry, Dad… don't have time.”

Ophelia: SPLASH!

Laertes: “Have at thee!”

13-page War and Peace

BOOM! Rat-a-tat-a-tat!

“We surrender!”

13-page Watchmen

“I’m clinically insane!”

“So you are, Rorschach. And in response I have devised a cunning plan involving a scary monster.”

“That’s pretty clever.”

As you can see, dear chums, it’s pretty easy once you get the hang of it. I was, however, quite unprepared for some of the comments aimed in my general direction by irate fans. A couple of you suggested I should be fired, while others suggested slow death by torture for my lack of reverence to this esteemed character. I had overnight become the Most Hated Man in Comics.

Now this is my first time as the Most Hated and I must say, I am enjoying my time immensely. Nigh Perfect has taken to answering our hate mail and death threats as I am busy planning a follow-up series: The Return of Uncle Ben. I want to thank those of you who called for me to be fired, as your lack of credibility as rational human beings has really helped me to solidify my position at Marvel.

One thing, though: isn't anyone upset that I killed Typeface?

 

[Dread]

I for one was glad he killed Typeface, especially since he created him, to boot.

I read that and wasn't sure what to make of it. It's very confrontational, and of course a Marvel apologist (you know who you are) will come in and say, "hey, he has a right to sling venom back after all the hits he took online". Now, I didn't get as angry about THE RETURN as some people, just found it flat, lifeless, and pointless. Like if Marvel just announced Ultimate U.S.1. My reaction wouldn't be "how dare you bastardize [insert story here]", it is "my god, why!? What is the bloody point?" That was my reaction, and it didn't help that THE RETURN was so flat, mundane, and emotionless (and in a way merely an extention of PREVIEWS; "Would you be interested in buying CAPT. MARVEL #1 now?")

But it certainly does reak of the sort of reply that BrianWilly mentioned from Willingham's response to turning Leslie Thompkins into someone who essentially performs negligent homicide to prove points (denying Spoiler treatment, so she could essentially die and spare the world another young vigilante; this from a caring professional worker who'd saved mobsters at gunpoint because she cared about life). People were not too happy about him, but it sort of went away.

Jenkins is obviously having a little more fun with the reply, but it amounts to the same thing. "I did it, so nyah!" I'm surprised a vet like him would resort to that, actually. But then again, some of the vets can be very catankerous. Lord knows Byrne and PAD had their moments.

My reply? I'm glad FRONTLINE is only one more issue. I'm glad I never gave THE SENTRY a chance, and I'll say I was far more irked at Emoball than I ever was about THE RETURN. Talk about a wasted oppurtunity.

But, if he was hopped up on painkillers while writing THE RETURN, it explains a lot. I also love how he goes for sympathy before going for the jugular.

"Forgive me for being away while I had knee surgery...you ungreatful bastards."

Anyway, I'm not really angered by it, I always am amazed that some stories have to be bitterly and angrilly defended by adversarial writers, and some just don't because they are good enough to be acceptted at some level. No one whined about ANNIHILATION, yet Millar has to defend half his CW issues, Bendis had some "it was HIS fault" type showdowns after NA #2, and now this. Always interesting the kinds of stories that incite this counter-reaction, and the stories that require no defense at all, because they can stand on their own merit.

 

[Darthphere]

I don't see anything wrong with what he said. This was directed mostly at the users on newsarama who being there, believe it or not, it was emabarassing as a comic book fan to see the stuff directed at him, and a couple of times, his family. Far worse than any level of Bendis bashing that goes on here. Was The Return a crappy story? Sure, if thats your opinion. Do you have the right to bash the book? Sure, go ahead. Do you have the right to wish harm on the writer and his family, and his livelyhood? IMO you don't.

Lets not forget, this is the same messageboard Dan Slott was pretty much forced to leave due to the personal attacks on him.

 

[Not Jake]

Dan Slott is a giant *****.

 

[Darthphere]

But, if he was hopped up on painkillers while writing THE RETURN, it explains a lot. I also love how he goes for sympathy before going for the jugular.

"Forgive me for being away while I had knee surgery...you ungreatful bastards."

He wasn't on painkillers when he wrote the story.

And trust me, the last thing he wants is your sympathy.

 

[jaydawg]

People personally attacked Dan Slott there? What the hell? That man is like the patron saint of SHH!

 

[Darthphere]

People personally attacked Dan Slott there? What the hell? That man is like the patron saint of SHH!

Yeah, there was a thread about it here a while back.



Either way, this just shows a problem with the comic book fan community IMO, a "what have you done for me lately" attitude. The guy wrote one crappy story, and he's the next Chuck Austen. And no, I'm not counting the Frontline/Emoball story as bad since that really hasn't garnered a huge ngative reaction at all.

 

[BrianWilly]

But the vast majority of his rant seems to be dealing with the criticism about the comic itself. There's a total of one sentence dealing with the whole threats to the family thing, and the rest about how much people apparently hate him for, y'know, no reason whatsoever.

And really, nothing he says actually addresses any of the complaints that people had about the issue.

 

[BrianWilly]

And no, I'm not counting the Frontline/Emoball story as bad since that really hasn't garnered a huge ngative reaction at all.

...was this sarcastic?

 

[Darthphere]

But the vast majority of his rant seems to be dealing with the criticism about the comic itself. There's a total of one sentence dealing with the whole threats to the family thing, and the rest about how much people apparently hate him for, y'know, no reason whatsoever.

And really, nothing he says actually addresses any of the complaints that people had about the issue.

Meh, whatever. Dude needed to blow off some steam, the comic fanboy community will feel insulted, his next book will sell through the roof, people will *****, the cycle continues.

 

[Darthphere]

...was this sarcastic?

No, it wasn't at all.

 

[Kirk Langstrom]

I don't see anything wrong with what he said. This was directed mostly at the users on newsarama who being there, believe it or not, it was emabarassing as a comic book fan to see the stuff directed at him, and a couple of times, his family. Far worse than any level of Bendis bashing that goes on here. Was The Return a crappy story? Sure, if thats your opinion. Do you have the right to bash the book? Sure, go ahead. Do you have the right to wish harm on the writer and his family, and his livelyhood? IMO you don't.

Lets not forget, this is the same messageboard Dan Slott was pretty much forced to leave due to the personal attacks on him.

Agreed.

 

[Tropico]

Wow! I thought people in the Hype were harsh, apparently we're a bunch of *****es? Actually, thinking back at all the stuff posted here about The Return I think people expressed their discontent at Marvel in general an not one person mentioned Jenkins in particular. I won't get into the whole "he's justified/he's not" argument since it varies from person to person and it's mostly a matter of personal work ethics and convictions. Regardless, calling for him to be fired or wishing harm on him or loved ones is indeed scraping the bottom of the barrel of the nerdgeek barrel.

 

[BrianWilly]

I just think it's hilarious whenever a writer writes a story that no one likes and then is utterly offended and indignant that no one liked it. As if it's the reader's fault that they just didn't "get" the story or something. Jenkins seems to be utterly astounded that this story wasn't well received, and all I have to say is "what in the world did you expect?"

Wishing harm on someone or their families is definitely uncalled-for. However, I don't think it's particularly odd for people to want a writer to be fired if they don't think he's a good writer. Everyone here has probably said or thought much the same thing when they've encountered a story that seriously pissed them off. Or am I to believe that Bilson and Demeo leaving the Flash wasn't met by cheers and sighs of relief? Or is Geoff Johns so well-liked by the usual suspects here that no one's ever joked about him getting fired once or twice?

 

[Fading]

I'm not mad at him for The Return. I honestly think the anger should be more aimed towards the powers that be for only giving him 13 pages for the story to do it in, putting someone on it who didn't know the character, and then hyping it with the cryptic pics of Marvel's symbol. I more wished they hadn't hyped it in the first place and just had it be a surprise and tied it into another CW crossover book rather than giving it it's own.

I will say tho that for someone who doesn't care what the fans think he did take the time to read them all and has to know writing that response will only agg them on more.

On the other hand it's stupid to threaten him or his family over a story. I didn't read what you guys talked about above about the responses on Newsrama (and don't really care to), it's just that some ppl take it far too serious. Not that we should enjoy or just shrug at favorite characters being ruined for no good reason, but getting so mad you're slamming your keyboard and threatening violence suggests the need for therapy IMO.

 

[Darthphere]

I just think it's hilarious whenever a writer writes a story that no one likes and then is utterly offended and indignant that no one liked it. As if it's the reader's fault that they just didn't "get" the story or something. Jenkins seems to be utterly astounded that this story wasn't well received, and all I have to say is "what in the world did you expect?"

Wishing harm on someone or their families is definitely uncalled-for. However, I don't think it's particularly odd for people to want a writer to be fired if they don't think he's a good writer. Everyone here has probably said or thought much the same thing when they've encountered a story that seriously pissed them off. Or am I to believe that Bilson and Demeo leaving the Flash wasn't met by cheers and sighs of relief? Or is Geoff Johns so well-liked by the usual suspects here that no one's ever joked about him getting fired once or twice?

I challenge anyone to find a post from me calling on someone's firing. I didn't even do it for Austen.

And really one or two bad stories makes someone a bad writer worth firing?

 

[yenaled]

Yeah the Newsarama hype was amazingly harsh, they are another breed of fan over there. We drove away Dan Slott and maybe Ethan Van Skiver but I think as Comic Book fans go we aren't as amazingly rabid as a lot of places (or as eerily nice as others).

Anyway, I was always told if you are going to do something do it well or not at all. 13 pages is just idiotic and was never going to please anyone. He actually seems to say "13 pages is short and because of that it was going to be a horrible story anyway".

That kind of sounds like "haha you bought it".

 

[Purple Man]

It's really Marvels fault for sticking him with a character he knew next to nothing about and telling him to bring him back in thirteen pages. And then just make up a Sentry story for the next ten.

Marvel dropped the ball on this. Captain Marvels return should have been a full issue in itself, and the Sentry backup should have been told sooner. Maybe instead of his Civil War issue of New Avengers.

Either way, Jemas did his best with what he was given, and I don't blame him for it. He's done great work with the Sentry, and Frontline was a pretty decent book in any respect.

Chuck Austen he aint. Hopefully Jemas didn't take the insults to heart, comic fans for the most part are a bunch of whiney ****s

 

[Darthphere]

Yeah the Newsarama hype was amazingly harsh, they are another breed of fan over there. We drove away Dan Slott and maybe Ethan Van Skiver but I think as Comic Book fans go we aren't as amazingly rabid as a lot of places (or as eerily nice as others).

Anyway, I was always told if you are going to do something do it well or not at all. 13 pages is just idiotic and was never going to please anyone. He actually seems to say "13 pages is short and because of that it was going to be a horrible story anyway".

That kind of sounds like "haha you bought it".

Yeah, and it seems he didn't even know who Captain Marvel was, which was another mistake.

 

[Kevin]

I aint mad at him.

 

[Tropico]

I don't take much of what he said in the alleged conversation seriously. I just boil it down to him getting an assignment with some restrictions and that's it. If it was a bad story it's management's JOB to tell him so and ask for another. If it got through as it was it's because a lot of people fumbled the ball, not just the writer.

 

[Foggy Nelson]

I really wasn't that annoyed at him at all, this coming from a CM fan from back in the day aswell. He may of been brought back rather hurredly and crappily, but if they manage to salvage a few very well written stroies with him all is forgiven.

The threats upon his family were a step too far though, really uneccesary and spiteful.

 

[wobbly]

Regardless of whether Jenkins response was justified or not (and I know I wouldn't be happy if some anonymous internet moron threatened my family) I don't think it's very professional to take such an antagonistic posture (however witty) in his defence either: it's generally not a good idea to wave a big red flag at an already p#ssed off bull.

A dignified reply, and one that may have defused some of the anger aimed at him, would have been to simply state the fact that it wasn't his idea to bring Mar-Vell back (some other numpty at Marvel should take the flak for that brainstorm), and given the constraints he was under he felt he did the best he could.
Yes, that does sound like an excuse and an apology, but that is pretty much what he does says in his real response anyway, and it does the job without p#ssing off that angry bull any further too.

 

[LouFerignoDemon]

My reply? I'm glad FRONTLINE is only one more issue. I'm glad I never gave THE SENTRY a chance, and I'll say I was far more irked at Emoball than I ever was about THE RETURN. Talk about a wasted oppurtunity.

Exactly why again?

Either way, I couldn't really blame Jenkins for writing a fairly mediocre to bad story about something he probably didn't care much about, and definitely knew little about. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't. But really, the story was probably the best that could be done in an issue that's shorter than a normal comic.

 

[BrianWilly]

I don't take much of what he said in the alleged conversation seriously. I just boil it down to him getting an assignment with some restrictions and that's it. If it was a bad story it's management's JOB to tell him so and ask for another. If it got through as it was it's because a lot of people fumbled the ball, not just the writer.

That sounds incredibly logical and understandable. So really, why didn't he just say that?

I'm just tired of this passive-aggressive-defensive-confrontational crap that Marvel's writers -- and some of DC's -- are getting more and more used to dealing out. At best it comes across as "Look, everything you're complaining about is actually stupid, and I'm actually quite awesome dont' you know," and at worst it comes across as "I know better than you, so just shut up and don't complain. HAHA I did that on purpose just to tick you off." Y'know what? A lot of people thought your story was bad. It sucks for you, I'm sure, but deal with it. Deal with it be understanding exactly why people thought it was bad and then write better ones. Snarking at people will not all of a sudden make them see the error of their ways and like your story.

And the funniest part? Like people said, Jenkins is not necessarily a bad writer. His track record is, on the whole, reasonably solid. Which, again, begs the question of why in the world he would be astounded at a reaction like this.