scene from my script(still being developed)

[Lunar_Wolf]

Just thought I would show people a bit of my script that I've been writing.
It's the year 1066 England and a knight(alexander) returns from battle as the only survivor. This scene takes part in the dining room.-This is fiction and has nothing got to do with histroy itself. Leave comments thanks.

CELEBRATION SCENE

FADE IN

DINING ROOM
The King, Queen and Alexander sit at a dining table with all kinds of food
celebrating the victory. A servant places a chicken on the table.


KING HAROLD
(holding a glass of wine in his hand)
As you see there are alot of empty seats....There empty because the people who should be sitting here celebrating this victory died heroically in battle. May each soul whom died rest in peace and join us here in spirit for this celebrate this victory thats rightfully theirs.

he King sits back down and sips his wine but stares down as though he is in deep thought.

ALEXANDER
(stands up)
Well said, my King. I would like to add something if you don't mind?

KING HAROLD
No of course not, go ahead...

ALEXANDER
(STANDS UP HOLDING HIS SWORD)
The worst thing about this battle was losing the people you cared about.
My best friend....who was like a big brother to me died in that battle. He was my hero and watching him die was horrific. I saw...I saw as the blade of a sword sliced right trough his neck*swings the sword down in a slicnig motion*...the blood....the blood was everywhere. His decapitated head landed on the ground right next to me *points the sword to the ground in a puddle of mud....the worst part is a horse came right down and smashed his head.....thats the last of what I saw of Thomas......Thomas was the bravest guy I knew and watching him.....it's no way a man like that should die. *raises sword* I'll never forget you Thomas.....rest in peace brother...

Alexander sits down and places the sword on the table

QUEEN THYRA
That was a....cute little speech.

Alexander throws the Queen a sour look and grips his sword

KING HAROLD
Now, now be nice my dear, show some respect. Alexander you've done so much for me and my kingdom. I shall reward you dearly...*intrupted by Queen*

QUEEN THYRA
Be nice? *stands up and and points at alexander* I SHALL NO BE NICE TO THIS LIAR!!!
ALEXANDER
HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A LAIR!!! DO YOu..*intrupted by the king*

KING HAROLD
Thyra your making a fool of yourself. I will not tolerate such behavior!!!

QUEEN THYRA
(looks at the king)
Your blind to see what this *points to alexander* man really is....

KING HAROLD
And what is he?

QUEEN THYRA
He's not human...

here is a pause then a burst of laughter from Harold and Alexander

KING HAROLD
(laughing)
Are you mad? Thats preposterous.

QUEEN THYRA
Preposterous? How can one man survive a battle like he describs? A battle that has cost over 500 lives?

KING HAROLD
Thanks to this brave Kinght our kingdom has not been taken over, thanks to this Knight we're alive....Is that what you wanted? To be ruled followed by death?

QUEEN THYRA
Saved the kingdom or not he did it for himself....for he's own benefit.
Your here praising him like he's a God...thats what he wants. He wants to be a God, he thinks right now that he's a God, He wants this kingdom and he would kill you for.

KING HAROLD
(stands up)
GET OUT!!!!

QUEEN THYRA
You were always a fool!!!!

QUEEN THYRA leaves the room.

Fade out

 

[Harlekin]

I thought it was pretty meh myself. It wasn't really convincing, and I'd proofread to get out some of the obvious typos and spelling errors. The speeches feel a little hollow, and Thyra's hysterics come across as a little over the top.

 

[JLBats]

Meh. People stand up and announce how they feel. This is bad writing. Don't do it. Aim for subtlety and subtext.

 

[FunBobPants]

what JL said.

 

[Lunar_Wolf]

See early on in the script Alexander comes back from all these battles as the only survivor. The Queen's character is blunt. She says what she feels because she knows she can. She does not understand why this man has not been killed in battle. The King on the other hand is blind to see what is happening. Because the Knight is the only one coming back from battles, the king moreless has welcomed him as his son. The year 1066 only takes place for 10 mins of the movie and we go back to the present time, thats why we must learn who these character's are in such a short time and we must know their characteristics. I felt that this scene shows what the Queen feels and thinks.

Alexander comes back from these battles because he is using black magic to make himself immortal for a certain period of time. This magic also makes him 3 times stronger, faster etc.The only reason Alexander is using this magic is so the King sees him as a savior of the kingdom and will someday hand over power to him. Alexander wants power and will do anyting for it. The Queen discovers that Alexander is using black magic when shes searches his room.

From there on Alexander rushes to his room because the magic is wearing off and causing him pain. Once he gets to his room he sees her searching trough his stuff(the magic) so he kills her by ripping her internal organs out with his hands.

The King asks a soldier where the Thyra is and he says he saw her up in the private rooms not to long ago. When he goes looking for her he sees Alexander on top of her covered in blood.



This script is over the top.

Thanks for the comments.

 

[Lunar_Wolf]

CELEBRATION SCENE

FADE IN
SMALL DINING ROOM-NightThe King, Queen and Alexander sit at a dining table. Many other tables are placed in the back for soldiers in training. A Jester is entertaining them by juggling. The Jester is not good at what he does and fumbles the balls. Boos are heard. A solider throws a piece of fruit at the Jester and hits him. Everybody laughs. The Jester picks up the fruit and throws it back and hits the soldier in the face. Everyone laughs, and the Jester pulls a proud pose. We go back to the King who is sitting on he left side of the table while the Queen sits on the right. Alexander is sitting opposite of the two. Many dishes are placed on the table such different meats, Fowl, pies and rice. The King stands up to honor thoses who have passed away.
KING HAROLD
(holding a glass of wine in his hand and clears his throat)
I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A SPEECH!!!!

Everyone goes quiet.

KING HAROLD
When I send my men into a battle, I don't expect everyone to come back alive. And I don't expect a lot of you to come back if any of you enter a battle. But on three separate occasions now only one Knight has returned from battle. And thats Alexander here *looks at Alexander* I wish each soldier and Knight could be like Alexander. So, then the men who should be sitting here celebrating this victory, would be. But instead they died heroically in battle. May each soul whom died rest in peace and join us here in spirit for this victory thats rightfully theirs.

The King sits back down and sips his wine.


ALEXANDER
(stands up)
Well said, my King. I would like to add something if you don't mind?

KING HAROLD
No of course not, go ahead...

ALEXANDER
(STANDS UP HOLDING HIS SWORD)
The worst thing about this battle was losing the people you cared about. My best friend....who was like a big brother to me died in that battle. He was my hero and watching him die was horrific. I saw...I saw as the blade of a sword sliced right trough his neck *swings the sword down
in a slicing motion*...the blood....the blood was everywhere. His decapitated head landed on the ground right next to me in a puddle of mud and his eyes just looked up at me *points the sword to the ground*....the worst part is a horse came right down and smashed his head.....thats the last of what I saw of Thomas......Thomas was the bravest man I knew and watching him.....it's no way a man like that should die. *raises sword* I'll never forget you Thomas.....rest in peace brother...NOW LET US CELEBRATE!!!!

Alexander sits down and places the sword on the table everyone is cheering and continue to where they left off.

QUEEN THYRA
That was a....cute little speech. Tell me how does one survive a battle?
ALEXANDER
By being cunning and well trained with a sword.

QUEEN THYRA
Thats not what I meant..maybe I should have worded that better.
What I meant to say was how does one return from a battle but no one else? I mean did everyone die and it was you left standing taking on the rest of the army? Because the last time I checked my army were in peck condition, they were more then well trained. What I'm tying to say it strikes me on that most of my army came back from battles before you were Knighted. Is there a reason why my men are not returning? What has changed?
ALEXANDER
My Queen, tactics change. The enemy has become stronger. In the last few battles it's been a few of our men and I standing.....

QUEEN THYRA
And tell me, what happened to the men standing?

ALEXANDER
They died....some in battle, others were wounded and couldn't
make it back all the way.

QUEEN THYRA
How many of the enemies were left before they surrendered?

ALEXANDER
A few.....and few of us.

QUEEN THYRA
And that same few died of wounds?

ALEXANDER
Yes...

QUEEN THYRA
Why would the enemy surrender to wounded men?


Alexander begins to sweat and starts looking nervous.


KING HAROLD
Thyra the man wants to celebrate, not to be bothered by such questions.

QUEEN THYRA
(leans over and starts wispering to the king)
I want to know whats happening out there. And don't you think it's odd how he is the only survivor? Not just once but three times now.

KING HAROLD
(wispering)
Thyra you know I'm the kinda man that believes, seeing is believing.
I accept whats in front of me. And right now I see a brave soldier who has not only protected my kingdom but has saved my life.

QUEEN THYRA
(wispering)
I saw a marking on his forearm earlier on....

KING HAROLD
(wispering)
What kind of marking?

QUEEN TYHRA
(wispering)
The marking of black magic...Ask him to roll up his sleeve...


Cut to Alexader who looks concerned

KING HAROLD
(wispering)
This is ridiculous, you *cut off by Thyra*

QUEEN THYRA
(wispering)
Seeing is believing right?

ALEXANDER
Whats wrong?

KING HAROLD
(sighs)
The Queen doesn't believe your story. She thinks you use black magic and claims she saw a strange marking on your forearm.

 

[Lunar_Wolf]

The scene I wrote a few weeks ago which was being developed has been developed some more. Just thought I would show some of it.


So does anyone think it's better?

 

[JLBats]

CELEBRATION SCENE

FADE IN
SMALL DINING ROOM-NightThe King, Queen and Alexander sit at a dining table. Many other tables are placed in the back for soldiers in training. A Jester is entertaining them by juggling. The Jester is not good at what he does and fumbles the balls. Boos are heard. A solider throws a piece of fruit at the Jester and hits him. Everybody laughs. The Jester picks up the fruit and throws it back and hits the soldier in the face. Everyone laughs, and the Jester pulls a proud pose. We go back to the King who is sitting on he left side of the table while the Queen sits on the right. Alexander is sitting opposite of the two. Many dishes are placed on the table such different meats, Fowl, pies and rice. The King stands up to honor thoses who have passed away.
KING HAROLD
(holding a glass of wine in his hand and clears his throat)
I WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A SPEECH!!!!

Everyone goes quiet.

KING HAROLD
When I send my men into a battle, I don't expect everyone to come back alive. And I don't expect a lot of you to come back if any of you enter a battle. But on three separate occasions now only one Knight has returned from battle. And thats Alexander here *looks at Alexander* I wish each soldier and Knight could be like Alexander. So, then the men who should be sitting here celebrating this victory, would be. But instead they died heroically in battle. May each soul whom died rest in peace and join us here in spirit for this victory thats rightfully theirs.

The King sits back down and sips his wine.


ALEXANDER
(stands up)
Well said, my King. I would like to add something if you don't mind?

KING HAROLD
No of course not, go ahead...

ALEXANDER
(STANDS UP HOLDING HIS SWORD)
The worst thing about this battle was losing the people you cared about. My best friend....who was like a big brother to me died in that battle. He was my hero and watching him die was horrific. I saw...I saw as the blade of a sword sliced right trough his neck *swings the sword down
in a slicing motion*...the blood....the blood was everywhere. His decapitated head landed on the ground right next to me in a puddle of mud and his eyes just looked up at me *points the sword to the ground*....the worst part is a horse came right down and smashed his head.....

Sorry to interrupt, but if he is so traumatised, he should stop describing it in such gruesome detail. I highlighted that which was particularly unnecessary emotional exposition.

thats the last of what I saw of Thomas......Thomas was the bravest man I knew and watching him.....it's no way a man like that should die. *raises sword* I'll never forget you Thomas.....rest in peace brother...NOW LET US CELEBRATE!!!!

Alexander sits down and places the sword on the table everyone is cheering and continue to where they left off.

QUEEN THYRA
That was a....cute little speech. Tell me how does one survive a battle?
ALEXANDER
By being cunning and well trained with a sword.

QUEEN THYRA
Thats not what I meant..maybe I should have worded that better.
What I meant to say was how does one return from a battle but no one else? I mean did everyone die and it was you left standing taking on the rest of the army? Because the last time I checked my army were in peck condition, they were more then well trained. What I'm tying to say it strikes me on that most of my army came back from battles before you were Knighted. Is there a reason why my men are not returning? What has changed?
ALEXANDER
My Queen, tactics change. The enemy has become stronger. In the last few battles it's been a few of our men and I standing.....

QUEEN THYRA
And tell me, what happened to the men standing?

ALEXANDER
They died....some in battle, others were wounded and couldn't
make it back all the way.

QUEEN THYRA
How many of the enemies were left before they surrendered?

ALEXANDER
A few.....and few of us.

QUEEN THYRA
And that same few died of wounds?

ALEXANDER
Yes...

QUEEN THYRA
Why would the enemy surrender to wounded men?


Alexander begins to sweat and starts looking nervous.


KING HAROLD
Thyra the man wants to celebrate, not to be bothered by such questions.

QUEEN THYRA
(leans over and starts wispering to the king)
I want to know whats happening out there. And don't you think it's odd how he is the only survivor? Not just once but three times now.

KING HAROLD
(wispering)
Thyra you know I'm the kinda man that believes, seeing is believing.
I accept whats in front of me. And right now I see a brave soldier who has not only protected my kingdom but has saved my life.

QUEEN THYRA
(wispering)
I saw a marking on his forearm earlier on....

KING HAROLD
(wispering)
What kind of marking?

QUEEN TYHRA
(wispering)
The marking of black magic...Ask him to roll up his sleeve...


Cut to Alexader who looks concerned

KING HAROLD
(wispering)
This is ridiculous, you *cut off by Thyra*

QUEEN THYRA
(wispering)
Seeing is believing right?

ALEXANDER
Whats wrong?

KING HAROLD
(sighs)
The Queen doesn't believe your story. She thinks you use black magic and claims she saw a strange marking on your forearm.

Better, but some of it is still a little painful to read.

 

[Lunar_Wolf]

Sorry to interrupt, but if he is so traumatised, he should stop describing it in such gruesome detail. I highlighted that which was particularly unnecessary emotional exposition.



Better, but some of it is still a little painful to read.

Alexander is making it up. In the story Alexander uses Black Magic to become immortal thus that why he is coming back from the battles as the only survivor. He is using this story so people will believe him and as for a way to make people feel sorry for him and not question him about the battle which he doesn't want people to do. Some of it makes no sence right now as it's only part of one scene. Some of the story is over the top, with gore.

Thanks for the comment.

 

[JLBats]

I think giving us these scens out of context and with no concept of the characters is skewing how much we like it

 

[Lunar_Wolf]

Ok here is what the story is about. A Knight named Alexander returns from a battle. The Queen sees a marking on his forearm, she is also curios how he is the only survivor of not just this battle but many. After she fails to show proof at dinner the Queen explores Alexander's room she uncovers the truth. Alexander catches the Queen in his room and murders her. The King and the guards arrest and execute Alexander.

This is 10 mins of the movie tops. I don't want to write much more about it but Alexander casts a spell so he will come back after death once his sword is removed from the holder. Once he arrives back he will be possessed fully by the black arts making him a very powerful been.

 

[FunBobPants]

what does the mark on his arm have to do with anything?

 

[Lunar_Wolf]

The marking is a branded symbol of evil. The spell Alexander used causes this symbol to appear but once the spell wears off so does the symbol. The spell is to be immortal for a certain length of time. The symbol is more less the forces of evil saying we own your soul and we have branded you. The more you use black magic the more you become addicted and taken over by it.