Short Story Idea (a bit long) but Feedback appreciated!

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction & Films' started by echostation, Apr 12, 2006.

  1. echostation

    echostation Registered

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    OK I've done some EDITING... PLEASE READ THE BOTTOM POST for a FAR MORE ABRIDGED version of the longer one in these first two posts. I really really really would greatly appreciate feedback upon AT LEAST the short ABRIDGED VERSION WHICH IS the LAST post down below in this THREAD... thanks!


    I wasn’t sure if this would be better for on screen or tv or just a short story, it’s actually part of one huge dream I had with some additions I’ve made, a series of strange ideas that to me seem like a cool neat story but wanted to hear your opinions… it’s rather long so please be patient… am really looking for some feedback and please excuse much of the grammar… much of it is in free style but not in any confusing way. Most of it is thankfully punctuated. I just wrote this all in a span of hours and couldn’t stop. I also know that much of the dialogue is crap but I was just writing anything that came to mind to get the message across… Hope you enjoy it.

    A file clerk who does menial office cubicle work for a mass company is a 30 something, unmarried, doesn’t have much going for his life. He’s a good looking guy and very well built, but is very awkward with girls, gets the wrong responses never knows how to be around them (background never explained, suffice to say it’s obvious he seems a little disturbed or socially backwards). Very socially poor and awkward and backward. He has no real friends, or family. He does have a brother whom he visits sometimes in a mental institution, except his brother is a vegetable. He often talks to his brother about how boring his days are, his work life, no career advancement, can’t find anyone but is on the look out while his brother just sits not even looking at him. He frequents a big sports type bar that’s always packed and knows a few of the patrons there, often just goes there every day almost, gets his drinks and goes home. We see him return to his apt after the bar run, watches all kinds of weird programming and movies (nosferatu at 3 in the morning, etc) eating all sorts of junk but very slowly, as if he’s glued to the screen. That amounts to his day.

    Except for this one night he goes to the bar, he sees its even more packed than normal which is unusual cuz it’s a Tuesday but he sees it’s an important baseball game folks are watching. He notices this one older middle aged dude who looks quite poor and is in shabby clothing who’s trying to plug a drink for free from the tender and the tender’s about to call the bouncers to throw him out. The accountant (we’ll call him Sam) sees him, out of sympathy spots him a few bucks to buy a beer, but jokingly tells him it’d better not be some bud light ****, it’d better be some real stuff. They share a few laughs and actually have a bit of a conversation. First time Sam’s been at ease with anyone, in his head he’s thinking he’s never had a conversation or a talk with someone in years cuz he’s so awkward generally. He still is awkward here but the poor man doesn’t mind. Suddenly a point is scored on the overhead huge TV, Sam turns around to see the commotion as people roar in celebration and smiles, never got into baseball much at all really. As he turns his head, the poor guy sitting next to him is no where to be seen. Sam gets up off his stool and looks all around above the crowd for where his new “friend” is. He sees him just at the exit/entrance. The poor guy staring right at him with a wry grin, wide eyed totally expecting Sam to see him. The poor guy just nods his head and tips his hat and moves fast as hell out of the door. Sam pushes his way thru the crowd getting to the exit and moves on through leaving the bar and is outside in the chill and cold. Dead empty streets except with a few people leaving and entering the bar he walks out onto the street and looks all about him, the poor guy’s up and vanished like a fart in the wind.

    Sam’s a bit annoyed and we can see that he’s a tad imbalanced, he’s almost madly determined to find where the hell this dude just disappeared off to. He runs across the street, round a few corners and down a couple blocks, no one. He can’t see anyone at all that resembles the poor guy he saw. He then gives up and is angry as hell in sheer frustration and as he turns around to walk back to his car he bumps hard into the same older poor guy. The guy has this huge paper grocery bag filled with all sorts of food and other assorted items which gets scattered all over. Sam with a sheer apology goes down and helps the guy collect all the stuff together and helps the guy up. Sam then asks him who he is and why he just vanished, the poor guy is stunned at Sam and in almost paralytic shock and complete total anxiety shouts out at him to leave him alone!! Sam is completely surprised and then realizes the guy’s probably some nutter anyways and lets him go, the poor guy just vanishes. Sam shakes his head thinking great, I just had a convo with a nutter… what a good ****ing job. As Sam puts his head down he sees the old dude’s dropped a card. Sam picks it up and sees it’s a card for a bar/nightclub that he’s never heard of but the card marks the grand opening of the place down several blocks from where his work place his. He wonders why the hell would this poor guy have this card on him. He goes home and does his usual routine of watching TV but is totally disturbed by the card, he sees if there’s any entertainment news info on it on the net about it or on TV but he just ends up getting distracted with other items of bizarre interest (how telescopes work, flights to Burkina Faso, etc) and falls asleep at his computer.

    After work the next day he stays later than his usual work time and almost everyone’s gone from the office. Sam’s finishing some last minute work, he looks at his watch and notices it’s 11. He pulls out the card he picked up yesterday and smiles wanting try out what this joint might be like. He drives down to this new joint which he sees is built very fancily off a major street corner. It’s a classy high priced joint but it’s obvious so long as you can pay the cover (hundreds of dollars) its easy to get in. There’s a huge line to get in and people are dressed up looking good, some looking stupid… it was like one of those typical big opening joints in Hollywood which is happening in his town which is weird cuz nothing big usually happens in his town. Plus some of the people he’s seen in this town are people he’s never seen before. He gets in line, gets to the front, and the bouncer looks him up and down with squinted examining careful eyes, the other bouncer quickly pops over to him says “well… the cover?” Sam forks it out and walks in notices the setup’s basically like a grand nightclub… not really his type of joint. He actually hates night clubs, hates dancing hates everything about it, drinks too expensive, the works. He sees a great thing though, it’s a major one floor club with 3 massive surrounding bars, and a full party bar upstairs. He’s stoked cuz at least this place has more bar type stuff than most other clubs. He sits down at the main table on a stool and has a few. He looks on at the dance floor seeing it totally crowded for a few minutes but then a huge open space circle forms around this one girl… a girl he drops his drink for… someone so absolutely stunning (we’re talking more than mary jane) who dances elegantly and not any sort of typical club style skank crap. People just woo her on and cheer her on but are totally amazed at not only how gorgeous but how unique and different her style of dance is… it’s hard to describe, it’s like this chick wasn’t supposed to be here and was a class apart. She catches Sam staring at her and she smiles back. Sam with his drink dropped but his beer mug hand still cupping thin air snaps and turns back to the tender to order another drink hoping to dear god the girl didn’t see him but it’s obvious she did. He looks back over his shoulder like an idiot and sees she’s off the dance floor and is mildly relieved thinking she’s gone but he’s lightly tapped on the shoulder and he almost freezes and is completely stiff in movement. It’s her, she sits down next on a stool next to him and it’s obvious some others around them are staring at her and seeing how gorgeous she is, but each is almost too intimidated or scared to chat her up. She tries to casually talk to him but with no real success as he’s so poor at talking in general he has no idea what to say (worse than woody allen caricature here, he just stays still, dumbfounded with a bunch of uuhs, yeahs, and well uh huhs). She flirts with him a little more trying to break the ice and he finally breaks with a genuine relaxed slight smile. They try to talk a little more but he completely effs things up, not knowing what to say but she doesn’t mind, kinda finds it cute. She wants to hang out with him more but he kinda just gets up and starts to leave, she tries to shout out to him come back tomorrow and he barely hears it but denies hearing it.

    Ok I realize I kind have blabbered on and I haven’t gotten to the important parts yet. Basically after realizing he screwed things up with such an amazing gal, he can’t focus at work and decides to head back later the next night to the same place, although this time the bouncers allow him in for free and he’s totally confused as to why but they say, cuz the gal inside pulled a few strings. He sees the gal again inside and she tells him how glad she is he came back and that she’s quite popular with the owners (she actually reveals mid convo that she is part owner of the place itself and she just moved). They start to kind of get along although really slowly and awkwardly, all due to him. He’s afraid to ask her out or ask her number and yet she for some reason won’t give it straight up even though she’s so interested in him obviously. This keeps going on, meeting at the joint, with even a little dancing this time although he’s terrible, he feels like he’s finally opening up, he’s totally going head over heels for this girl and she just keeps flirting with him more and more and tries to get to know him. These sorts of meetings at the bar keep on going on and he’s totally happy with it, in fact he’s mad about this girl and can’t stop thinking about her and he’s just so stupid that he’s never asked for her number, not even thinking about the fact that she never offered in the first place. He feels so liberated, as in as if his life has meaning, he’s gone so over the top with feelings for this gal without even seeing she may not feel anywhere near as strongly but he doesn’t care, he’s actually talking, communicating for once genuinely and connecting with someone more or less everytime he meets her at the club. [This part I haven’t fully fleshed out, remember these are all just several ideas right now.] But it gets to a point that out of his pure desolation, his lonely, meaningless existence, he feels he can liberate himself from his life, achieve a sense of self THROUGH this girl rather than for himself, he makes the mistake of trying to make positive changes in his life FOR this girl and feel SHE is the key to his existence and meaning and not seeing that meaning comes from within, not anyone else and that progress comes from within and liberation is for ONE’s self, not for someone else, that’s the huge mistake he makes but he continues doing this, failing to respect himself as a result, feeling he can achieve some meaning through someone else which is NOT how he should go about seeking meaning in his life, almost devoting himself to her and yeah, to the point of obsessing over her.

    Then one night he goes to the bar all excitedly especially cuz this time, after 2 weeks, he’s gonna ask for this gal’s number, as he gets in, he meets her, again they start talking and he’s having a blast just being with her… She says she wants to dance for a little but he really needs a drink so he tells her to go by herself. She’s kind of annoyed but not angry and goes off and he realizes how stupid he’s being, yet he still goes for the drink and starts watching her do her moves solo with others around her. What feels like staring at stark beauty for hours which is really only a matter of a few minutes is broken as his attention snaps as a thudding clasp on his back startles him totally. He swings his stool around to see it’s the older beggar poor dude he bought a drink for and he’s like “WTF? How the hell did you manage to get in here, what are you doing in here? Who are u exactly?” The poor guy simply smiles and nods/***** his head in the direction over to where Sam’s girl is dancing and says “you’re not doing too bad yourself are yah buddy…” Sam turns to see and then just starts blabbering, opening up big time, some of it very awkward, disturbing as well but openly honest… it’s clear he’s a few marbles short “oh her, well I mean we’re not really you know, it’s, well I don’t know what to call it. But she makes me feel great, completely amazing. I have a sense of purpose, HER. I can say I love her even though I barely know her. I can seek meaning in my life through her, she has that key. I’ve never felt a sense of self, She’s the person who can give me that self. I can make the changes I’ve wanted to FOR her.” The guy says “you’ve totally fallen hook line and sinker for her haven’t you… well I guess this’ll be interesting… although you hardly even know her? Also, the way you’re talking about her as if she’s the key to everything… sounds a little crazy if you ask me given you hardly know the gal… I’d be a bit careful.” Sam doesn’t care and tracks back on to finding out who the hell this poor guy is in the first place. The guy still doesn’t answer and Sam gets angry and grabs the poor guy by the collar slightly roughing him up, the bouncers don’t notice and the tender notices is about to call the bouncers… The poor guy remarks at how surprised that this guy has a bit of a temper tantrum, an anger spark… interesting stuff but then he looks in the direction of the stage and tells Sam he might wanna actually start watching over his gal. Sam turns around swiftly and sees the gal is gone from the stage, he starts looking above and around the crowd, turning at every point to see where she might have gone. He then sees her to the far back right of the stage walking to a part of the back wall of the club. She’s there crying out for Sam and yelling at him HELP, PLEAASE and then vanishes as dry ice shoots out from the vents near by and envelope her. He can’t see her. He starts freaking out whispering to himself loudly where the hell did she go. He then turns around to shout it out to the poor guy but even that guy is gone from his sights. He doesn’t care though, he pushes his way through the crowd and stage and forces himself to the back part of the club where she disappeared. He comes up against a black wall. Nothing… he can’t see her to his left or right or anywhere, he starts pressing against the wall, punching against it angrily wondering WTF did she go and what is going on? A few bouncers see his behavior and start moving through the crowd to get to him so he can be escorted. He sees them and starts pounding even harder at different parts of the wall, then moves a little to the left and lands a hard right kick in sheer frustration half expecting the wall to give way or part of it to be damaged. Much to his amazement as his foot strikes, that part of the wall gives way like a door. Glancing inside all he can he is pure blackness and he can hear, almost feel this silence so strong and penetrating, his ears start ringing even with the loud club and lounge fusion music in the club. Seeing the bouncers are just a few feet away from him, he runs in not knowing what the hell this is all about, question after question. As he runs in, he’s surrounded in pure blackness, he has no idea where to move so he keeps running straight not looking behind him, he’s almost under complete sensory deprivation… no sense of sight, smell, sound nothing.. He finds as he’s moving in it’s much harder for him to breathe and he starts gasping for air as he’s tired from running so fast and far in. He drops to his knees grasping his neck, choking on no air. He’s then violently lifted by a massive flash gust of powerful wind. He flies upward what seems to be several feet off the black floor still surrounded in total darkness. Before he has any time to think, emote or even react with the exception of sheer fear, he’s smashed against some surface which knocks him out cold, unconscious.
     
  2. echostation

    echostation Registered

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    Opening his eyes slowly, feeling very groggy, his back aching from the back smash against what he presumes to be some wall. He sees he’s lying on a small hill of crimson tall grass peppered with auburn/orange fire blade tips. He stands up slowly to see an environment so unlike anything he’s ever seen before in his life. He’s standing on the tallest of several similar mounds and hills of crimson grass but that’s not all that surrounds him. He’s in a huge massive expanse, a whole separate world, a place so strange. Yellow blazed trees with royal blue birch shaped leaves and branches appear far down on his left. Open fields with strange massive landmarks and huge stone like designs and rock formations off in the distance ahead of him. Up far ahead, he even sees mountains and amongst them 3 prominent silver volcanoes blowing their thick black smoke… mixed with the crimson colored fields to the right of them he sees the whiteness of ice trees and snow… What surrounds him is almost a clashed amalgam of contrasting separate worlds smashed together all with such radically differing natural environments. He’s absolutely perplexed, not knowing what the hell to do or where to go or what this is all about. Why is he here, what the hell kind of place is this? Every question opens a pandora’s box of more questions. He looks around him trying to get a grip but is not given a chance. The ground beneath him starts to shake, crumble and cracks start forming, an almost fault like crack formation forms right around him, and multiple fractures on the mound he’s form. He starts running down the side of the mound trying to get to a more solid place or what seems to be safer. He slides downhill, strangely not feeling any bit of friction against him, almost as if it were a water or ice slide. But the cracks start gaining on him, he makes it however and runs up further between multiple hills/mounds in these valley like pockets between them. He shouts out if anyone else can hear him, the only emerging noises are from the surrounding environments in the vast expanse around him but he can’t hear anyone or anything living. He shouts out what the hell is going on? He hears a faint reply of “I might have a few answers.” He turns in the direction of the voice which came from the top of another hill several meters from where he is. He sees a man at the top, with a cane and a small hood. Racing up as fast as he can towards the top of the hill to reach the man, he struggles cuz of his sheer exhaustion. He finally gets to the man and to his astonishment it’s the poor beggar he first met in the bar he always frequented. Trying to demand answers for what the hell is going on, accusing of him being behind whatever the hell all this is and getting him stuck here, he also wants to badly hurt this man cuz ever since he met him, all this bizarre stuff has happened, the fantastic girl, this new joint, how he got in and of course this entire different place he’s in…his mind comes back to the girl… “WHERE IS SHE!! IS SHE HERE? Start answering some of my questions dammit!” And he starts moving in on poor guy [now dressed up in somewhat better clothing, a cross between a 1800s style vertical striped pants with a large sweat/hoodie, very peculiar looking]..
    The poor guy counters telling him “If ya hurt me or if anything happens to me, you’ll be all alone here yourself… and so will she… with no one to help her, no one to go find her…”

    Sam barely able to stop himself from badly roughing this guy up, letting him know he’d do anything for her and that somehow his head is wrapped around this warped idea that she carries all the answers he seeks for meaning, for actually LIVING his life. He’ll make any change for her and to serve her, he’ll do anything with his own life as he feels so strongly connected to her despite barely knowing her, not even knowing her name, number, nothing about her, he’s completely obsessed with this girl. The poor guy tells him both he and Sam are about to become pretty thick pals through this all, he’ll help him. Sam tells him to **** you and has no idea as to who this guy is, his motives, what he is, what this place is… too much for his mind almost to fathom so he focuses on trying to “Save” the girl… his girl… whom he believes somehow is his key to life.


    This part of the story I haven’t developed really at all. Basically this entire part which forms a major part of the story are a series of puzzles, mini-adventures, challenges he has to overcome against different “opponents.” He does find other creatures and beings in this fantastical world, some of which help and some who try to hurt him. As he completes each puzzle or challenge, many of which are life threatening (I have some ideas for an entire football field being a partial landmine while he has to solve several riddles to get to the next safety step/stone among a few others), the poor guy magically sort of appears or is always there, as a sort of GUIDE to help him sort out what he’s learned at each puzzle or challenge. It’s nothing meant to be preachy or anything, just slight subtle but VERY important lessons he’s supposed to have learned about himself, about life and in general but the problem is… SAM NEVER GETS THEM… He keeps ignoring each message, each useful bit of info that may seem very cryptic and useless initially but holds profound meaning if thought about. He only cares about the direct result, the direct info that is passed over to him at each puzzle and adventure which gives him clues and diff info about where his girl might be, how to get to her or even directly help her life. Along his path he’s reminded of her stunning beauty by these ethereal, 3-D images of her that appear along various locations he’s been to, different hallways, pasture-sides, all of which appear mid way between his efforts to get to her so he can carry on… not learning the basic idea that changes should be for oneself and for one within, NOT for to satisfy another. [These lessons and stuff I’ll have to hammer out a lot more obviously]

    After finally completing all these various challenges, he’s beaten, worn down, hurt, exhausted as hell and can barely move on but his final destination is a door to this sort of solitary, desolate mushroom shaped igloo built of shining golden snow and thick fire colored ice, he enters and inside is just a single large room. His guide friend has no left him, vanished without any passing remarks or anything, but he doesn’t care in the least… He walks in and sees an almost like a huge play room, the entire room, walls, floor, ceiling, everything is made of large padded, thick safety tiles, each of which is the size of two pillows…. All joined together. The color of the entire room and tiles are dark turquoise with toxic bright green blotches “spilt and thrown” all over. In the center of the room he sees a large rectangular chunk of the floor removed, or cut away, much like a burial inlay/indent for a coffin to be lowered except this is much more shallow. It’s almost like a bed made inside the floor which he can’t even be bothered about cuz of how tired he is and how badly he wants to see HER and get the hell out of this place… He doesn’t care anymore about what this was all meant to be, forgetting all of his questions and more importantly each lesson he’s learned along the way. He sees a large mirror on the wall front and center beyond the “indented bed.” From it this sort of mystical energetic glow emerges and right there stands his girl… his girl, dressed and looking as stunning as ever, her hair just slightly blowing back. She looks so real but he looks carefully and sees it’s actually just an image of her, she’s ever so slightly transluscent/transparent almost radiantly angelic in appearance. He is so absorbed by her but at the same knows something’s up, this isn’t her in full. She smiles at him welcoming him coming this far along. He asks her what this place is all about? What is it? Where is she or who is she really? Did she have any part in any of this, in dragging him here?

    She hardly answers any of them, only relaying that he must sort that out himself, and she herself must leave and forever depart. She tells him to rest, as he’s deserved that much. She lets him know directly that all of what he’s been through, all of what he’s done to get here has been for the wrong reason, for her and not for himself, the changes, the sacrifices he’s made both internally, the determination to seek answers for a modicum of self-realization, liberation and meaning for his life should be THROUGH HIMSELF, FOR himself, not for anyone else… no one can achieve a sense of purpose or meaning THROUGH someone else, it has to come from within, an internal search, and the fact that he felt he could achieve this all through her, serving her, what he deemed as “LOVING” her which was more of an obsession, a desire for something else. He failed to see all along that all his actions here in this labyrinth like world were NOT in the name of love, or not dedicated towards real true love for her… how could he when he hardly knew who she was or what she was? He still doesn’t even know what this is all about or who she is or who this poor guy who eventually became his nuisance of a guide along the way or whatever the hell all of this is about. She tells him she can’t stay and has to leave, and thanks him for all the distance he’s traveled to get to her here but he should’ve left any time he wanted… he was not bound to this world by any means except by himself… he was constrained by himself and his one track obsessive mind, and she herself shares nothing with him or for him. He’s in desperation after this, not believing what he’s hearing at all and almost begging of her to stop saying all of what she is saying… that all of what this is, all of what he’s done through this entire life threatening journey has been for nil. He reminds her of their conversations they had and she laughs at him but not cruelly, just out of sheer pity clarifying that he felt that those conversations earned him the right to love her? That those brief muddled, confused talks which didn’t amount to much, the simple flirting meant love between the two? She mentions how sad it is for him to think that, to assume that, she ends with an “I pity you…” and with a somewhat caring smile turns and walks back to the mirror, fuses with it and the only reflective image remaining is of her 2-D face plastered on the mirror smiling at him the same way she did the first time.

    He drops to his knees at this devastating revelation given to him. He can’t believe how far he’s been strung along, duped with no hope of any reciprocation or a chance at his own reply. All those hints and lessons he learned earlier on (which I will flesh out, suffice to say), suffice to say were all about changing from within for one’s self, improvement not for others, but for yourself to realize the value of changes you make, that is respect for yourself… NOT for someone else, not to serve someone else… there was a great philosopher who once stated that women COULD NOT and should NEVER achieve meaning and self liberation to their lives THROUGH man unless they wish to pay the ultimate price and the entire premise of this story contains this emblem of information but turned on its head obviously (the man this time seeking self realization through his so called “love” for another woman). He also realizes how colossally stupid and blind he’s been in his so called love which was nothing more than sheer physical obsession and a desire for something more, be it anything. In this he falls, crying out in anger but also laughing… the laughter at the complete and utter doomed irony of his situation… the sheer explosive expression of two extremes of emotion, of both fury and laughter overwhelms him as he’s on his knees, he rolls over and falls inside the indented laying area “carved” out of the floor and lies, with the same multitude of expressions and emotion that would confuse anyone else upon trying to see what he’s genuinely feeling. As he lies, confined in this igloo like prison, caged, we eventually find out and see a flash cut multiple times back and forth between him lying down in this turquoise room to finally focusing and staying on him lying in the exact same position only this time wearing a tightened straight jacket, on a bare off white cream colored tiled floor in the middle of a hallway with characteristic small claustrophobic side walls.

    As he still rages on with his full expression of a gamut of feelings and utter confusion, rage, laughter at the humor, irony and sadness of it all, he violently writhes around on the ground, shaking about not able to control himself. We hear two voices in the background and their shadows run down the hall yelling “jesus this guy appears in a new place every day here, how the hell does he manage to get out of his cell??” We see their officers, wardens, guards at this institution. They drag him back slowly through the hallways and back to his cell and we understand that Sam basically ends up in the same institution which he visits his brother at which brings into question, was he file clerk at all, or even working while actually visiting his brother. We finally see that the entire fantastical world, all the puzzles, games and adventures and the guide character are all figments and imaginary creations of Sam in his own head, perhaps his own mental fantasy gone awry, crazy for him to become completely psychotically obsessed over this girl… but was the girl real? A few days later, Sam does get a visitor whom he doesn’t recognize cuz of just how fried his mind is, and it turns out to be the girl… it’s obvious the girl sees him out of pity for him and feels partially guilty at whatever she might have done to cause his state. She tries to explain to him every time she visits that she didn’t mean to lead him on, that she was just flirting with him at the club and wanted to get to know him but didn’t want things to become so immediately serious. She even accuses him of acting so bizarrely possessive around her at the club [which he probably was but we never see cuz in his own warped mind, we’re seeing what Sam sees and believes] and he was always so strange to her, she could tell he was unbalanced and wanted to stay away from him, even refusing to see him or meet him at the club whenever he dropped by which was every night almost. She didn’t want to get to know him any further cuz how bizarre and strange he was everytime they met, but she had no idea he was this obsessed and infatuated with her that it drove him completely nuts so she feels partially responsible. She mentions lastly that she had no idea he was trying to commit suicide in order to see her, right outside or whatever the hell he was trying to do by smashing himself into the walls of the club one night that the bouncers had to drag him out and call the police cuz of all the commotion he was causing… it was then he was tossed into the loony bin. She then leaves while Sam is simply on his visiting chair staring blankly off to the walls obviously completely unresponsive to his visitor or her words… he’s fubared.

    The entire maze, world, the place, his adventures and puzzles were just obsessive mind games he was seeing in his head, his own internal attempts to become someone better for her. He was so “in love” with this girl and she obviously felt none of that back and this drove him mad, completely psycho… the entire fantastical world was simply a metaphor for all his attempts to show her how much he wanted to be with her, hoping that she would become his. I think we’ve all been in that situation where we’ve become infatuated or liked someone strongly that it takes so long for us to get over them, and we keep stupidly hoping that they’ll just wake up and see how the right person has been right in front of them all along and they never do… our lives become rollercoasters of grief, anger, denial at how he/she could not realize how good we were for them despite if they were our best friends, or people we hardly knew… we’d try to make changes, improvements in ourselves to see if they’d notice us or see us as better not seeing that any true genuine improvements that need to be made should be for one’s self and come from within, not for someone else. This story takes it one level up, much more to the extreme in which someone goes so far that he can’t come back, and his mind is lost within a sea of its own creations in search for an actual meaning to his life, liberation from his routine boredom, when his search were all for the wrong reasons despite noble intentions.

    I don’t know if the story ideas make much sense or if the multiple messages do but I thought they did and seemed kind of a neat story, of course loads needs to be fleshed out and improved of course but I just typed this all in a matter of a few hours, despite the fact that I’ve had this dream several months ago just once and haven’t forgotten about it since… it’s been kind of looming in my head. Sorry if it was such a long read but I hope enjoyed some of it, any and all feedback would be welcome! Hell I’d love if you could contribute as well.
     
  3. Mentok

    Mentok Registered

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    I say thats more than 'a bit long' :mad:


    ... Still reading anyway.
     
  4. _JayR_

    _JayR_ Registered

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    I agree.. WHOA :eek:
     
  5. Hades

    Hades Guest

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    That doesn't look like an idea
    it looks like a bloody short story itself.
     
  6. echostation

    echostation Registered

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    yeah uh hehe, well i just kept writing and writing... i realize that my topic title is slightly misleading but any feedback on the story would be deeply appreciated

    can't wait to hear your feedback mentok and to whoever else reads this... it will mean a great deal
     
  7. echostation

    echostation Registered

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    ABRIDGED SHORTER VERSION:

    Sam, a handsome yet useless, boring, socially backward and very awkward file clerk, has a dead end career, nothing going for him in life. He doesn’t hate his job, he’s just so bored with the routine and he does it like a robot. He frequents his favorite small town bar that’s big with the locals cuz of the sports games shown and one night he sees trouble with this older poor guy dressed in grungy clothing trying to order a drink he has no money for. Sam buys it for him and the two start talking and actually get along quite well, Sam’s first actual conversation with someone in years. Suddenly the poor guy leaves without Sam noticing (watching TV briefly as fans erupt as a team scores a homerun), Sam notices the guy’s totally gone and chases after him to see where he is. He runs down different blocks and can’t find the guy at all, then suddenly bumps into him… the poor guy has no idea who Sam is despite the fact they just talked, the poor guy freaks out and runs away. Sam notices the guy dropped a card for a new club joint in town. He decides to check it out although he hates clubs, the bar is great but he sees the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen down there and the girl catches him staring at her and is interested in him as well. She tries talking to him but Sam really screws things up but she doesn’t mind… she never gives him her number but Sam comes for the next several weeks just to see her. Sam thinks he’s in love, he’s in head over his heels over this girl, but it’s not love… it’s complete obsession, Sam’s a little unbalanced and this passion for his girl totally consumes him… he’ll do anything to better/improve himself just for her, to serve her because he believes that this is the key of meaning to his life/existence (not dangerous psycho violent obsessive, but kind of bordering on that, he’s just too into her). He doesn’t realize that any improvements he wants to make in life should be of his own steam FOR himself, he shouldn’t try to attain MEANING through someone else. One night, he does see her at the club but she’s in trouble, and vanishes in the thick dry ice enveloping her against the back wall. He runs to the back wall noticing she’s nowhere around and starts smashing against the walls hard. The bouncers see him and are coming to throw him out but Sam smashes the wall hard again and it gives way to this pitch-black darkness he’s eventually enveloped in. He runs “inside the wall” only to be knocked out and awakened in this fantastical world. What surrounds him is almost a clashed amalgam of contrasting separate worlds smashed together all with such radically differing natural environments from crimson tall red grass hills to silver volcanoes laden with molten royal blue ash. He sees the poor guy here as well “expecting him.” And has no idea what this place is or what this is about, why he is here, who this poor guy is… but he’s drawn to his obsession to find his girl, the one whom he feels carries his key to self-understanding, WORTH, liberation and meaning. He has to overcome Life threatening puzzles, mini-adventures, conundrums of all sorts from mine fields to outwitting smarter opponents (creatures of this world) in mazes and riddles. The poor guy acts as his guide and so called friend to the world, to help him learn the lessons from each puzzle, but Sam ignores them, just hell bent on his obsessive to desire to save his girl, not realizing the cost its having on his own life and sanity. He finally reaches his destination and the girl only to find out the girl is just an image, an illusion who doesn’t love him, who doesn’t feel anything for him and she vanishes. Sam realizes the stupidity of mistakes… he was not bound by this world and could have left any time. His blind obsession to seek MEANING in his life THROUGH someone else (rather than improvement for one’s self and meaning from WITHIN) leads him to want and be with something that does not reciprocate. One should NOT feel they become worth something when another recognizes or judges them on that… self worth comes from WITHIN FOR one’s self… for a TRUE ideal… not for a mistaken desire such as his obsession. After such exhaustion and life threatening adventure, his efforts to “save” this girl… to bring some meaning to his lonely existence was for nil because he did this all for the WRONG reasons, that one should realize self worth from within, not through someone else, or to serve someone else… liberation cannot be sought through another but from within, and he pays with his sanity. He goes completely mad, insane, with psychotic rage but a sharp loud laughter humoring at the inherent irony of his situation. We see him lying down in his final place in the world gone completely mad but we find out that he’s lying in the exact same position in the REAL world in an insane asylum, wrapped up in a straight jacket before the wardens drag him back to his cell. The entire world was a metaphor, a twisted mind vision in his head for his efforts to improve himself for this girl to fall in love with him, so that he could serve her and feel he could achieve meaning through that alone. The girl visits him in the asylum [she does exist, but we see the moment she’s in trouble back in the club marks the beginning of Sam’s story in HIS mind…not of reality] out of guilt that she somehow must have driven him to his current mental state despite the fact we find out her telling a vegetable-Sam that she didn’t want to see him any more at the club after how strange he started acting later on around her… he was getting so possessive and scary. In conclusion it is this bit of information that most likely [it’s open ended] triggered Sam to have this fantastical world and vision in his own head established, playing out all the scenarios and puzzles to save his girl and show her she should be with him cuz of all he would do only to LOSE himself in his own mind and see she never would have loved him back despite his greatest efforts… thus he goes insane.

    I hope it makes some sense… and it’s a FAR FAR more abridged version of the much longer read below which I would also love feedback on, but feedback on the above abridged version alone would be great…thanks
     
  8. echostation

    echostation Registered

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    bump...

    please could someone at least read the ABRIDGED VERSION that I wrote up which is RIGHT ABOVE this post, forget the long long version and please if someone could provide their feedback or some of their thoughts it would be greatly appreciated
     
  9. Matt

    Matt IKYN Guy Groupie

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    I like your idea Echo, it sounds like it would make a great story.

    A few suggestions...

    Really develop Sam's fantasy world...make it something as vast as Tolkein's Middle Earth. I'd really go over the top creating this world, there is nothing more challenging, and at the same time satisfying to an author than to not just create characters and stories...but an entire world.

    I like the idea of leaving it open ended. Personally, I might establish from the very beginning that Sam may just be nuts and institutionalized... perhaps throughout the story have flashes into the 'real world'...have a storyline going on in the 'real world', in the asylum...but the old homeless man who guides him continues to pull him back into the 'fantasy world'...But throughout the story use various hints that go either way. I'm not sure if you read The Ultimates, but I really like what they did with Thor...he could either be a total nutjob whose possibly a mutant...or he could actually be the Norse God and son of Odin. There are clues that could suggest either. I think that would be a good way to go.

    I dunno, just my two cents...like I said, it sounds great. Maybe once you finish it you could email it to me?
     

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