The Overbearing Parents Thread (Help and Support for the Rest of Us)

[Q45]

So I've noticed my generation (I consider my generation to be around the age 16 to 30, but that's just a rough calculation) is in an odd position so far as parents go. There seems to be a growing number of young adults in the USA, maybe the world, who's parents absolutely refuse to ease control over them.

Now I'm not talking about the funny "Everybody Loves Raymond" kind of controlling parents, the kind who annoyingly stick their nose in their adult offspring's business and talk to them like infants, but are otherwise harmless. I'm talking about parents who seem to violently oppose their children gaining any independence, and/or cling to them for emotional and monetary support while emotionally (sometimes physically) beating their adult children down at the same time. Thus the relationship between parent and son/daughter becomes symbiotic and unhealthy.


If I'm not making sense, I apologize. This isn't an easy subject to talk about. I live with this, and so do a majority of my friends. The problem is what to do about it, especially when said parents rely on you for support, and in an economy unfriendly to young adults looking housing outside their folk's basement. As well as the emotional and self esteem issues it causes...

This may seem like it ought to be an easy issue, but anyone who has to deal with it in their daily life knows it really isn't.

Anyone else in the same or similar boat? Anyone have any advice? A story to tell (perhaps how you fixed or escaped your situation)? A hug for the hopeless?

Let's talk about it.

 

[Spuzz]

You make perfect sense. My ex girlfriend's parents were this very way. Except to make it worse..they were fundamentalists. Our 4 year relationship ended because I had differing opinions regarding homosexuals and religion, etc. than they. Now she's on their leash more than ever. It's pathetic really.

 

[knowsbleed]

Sorry... can't relate. I don't fall within your generation's age specifications, though. My parents were old school and raised me to ensure that I would be able to sustain myself independently independent of them. I feel bad for people who have parents who rely upon their children for support... it should be the other way around... to an extent. Families like these are one of the major reasons why screening should be conducted for those who want to have children.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

So I've noticed my generation (I consider my generation to be around the age 16 to 30, but that's just a rough calculation) is in an odd position so far as parents go. There seems to be a growing number of young adults in the USA, maybe the world, who's parents absolutely refuse to ease control over them.

Now I'm not talking about the funny "Everybody Loves Raymond" kind of controlling parents, the kind who annoyingly stick their nose in their adult offspring's business and talk to them like infants, but are otherwise harmless. I'm talking about parents who seem to violently oppose their children gaining any independence, and/or cling to them for emotional and monetary support while emotionally (sometimes physically) beating their adult children down at the same time. Thus the relationship between parent and son/daughter becomes symbiotic and unhealthy.


If I'm not making sense, I apologize. This isn't an easy subject to talk about. I live with this, and so do a majority of my friends. The problem is what to do about it, especially when said parents rely on you for support, and in an economy unfriendly to young adults looking housing outside their folk's basement. As well as the emotional and self esteem issues it causes...

This may seem like it ought to be an easy issue, but anyone who has to deal with it in their daily life knows it really isn't.

Anyone else in the same or similar boat? Anyone have any advice? A story to tell (perhaps how you fixed or escaped your situation)? A hug for the hopeless?

Let's talk about it.

The bolded part is what I don't get, are you not able to afford to rent an apartment? Are you parents to relient on you for money to make it so you can't afford an apartment?

I guess I'm not really understanding you're predicament, a little more explaination would help, are you're parents holding you back? Are you working right now at changing your situation. I know many people both that live at home and independantly around your age range. Many of the people that live at home I find are lacking the drive to better themselves more than their parents holding them back. My fiancee and her brother are very independant, their parents helped them through school, but after that they made their own success. In my family, on the other hand, three of my 20-somthing siblings live at home and none of them look to be leaving anytime soon because they lack the drive to better their circumstances.

 

[Q45]

The bolded part is what I don't get, are you not able to afford to rent an apartment? Are you parents to relient on you for money to make it so you can't afford an apartment?

I guess I'm not really understanding you're predicament, a little more explaination would help, are you're parents holding you back? Are you working right now at changing your situation. I know many people both that live at home and independantly around your age range. Many of the people that live at home I find are lacking the drive to better themselves more than their parents holding them back. My fiancee and her brother are very independant, their parents helped them through school, but after that they made their own success. In my family, on the other hand, three of my 20-somthing siblings live at home and none of them look to be leaving anytime soon because they lack the drive to better their circumstances.

Yes, and yes, among other things, on top of being emotionally abusive and controlling just about all aspects of my adult life. The odd thing is that it's the same with most young adults I know too. Someone recently told me overbearing parents like this are on the rise these days partly due to our harsh economic times (not that that's any excuse really), and that there have been studies done on the subject. But I haven't been able to locate any, so I don't know.

I hope this thread topic doesn't come off as whiny. That wasn't the point really. I was hoping it could become a place for people in these awkward and frustrating situations to discuss and find solutions.

 

[BillPardy]

Everyone keeps saying 'harsh economic times', and when that whole thing started I was like... I don't see an difference in ANYONES spending. And I really didn't feel it, I had no financial problems at all. I figured it was because I had very good paying job at the time. Then I packed up and moved to the city where I had no job. With everyone saying the economy was tough, and its impossible to find a job, I was worried. It was the first time I was unemployed for five years... It took me three weeks to find a job (in a field I had ZERO experiences in). Two months to be promoted with a pay raise, and on month three things are looking even better.

I realize Canada wasn't hit as hard as the states, but I hear CANADIANS complaining about how 'tough it is out there'.

 

[Naked Shia]

My mother is always telling me "I never as you anything". and yet, as soon as she sees me, she starts asking things like "how are you? Was your day fine?"

 

[Backstreets]

I had controlling parents growing up, neither one of them knew how to parent. I'd be denied everything. I couldn't even stand in line to get a Carl Yaz autograph at a store when I was 12. I had to have my friend get me one. Since moving out on my own, (12 years ago) I hardly ever speak to them.

 

[DarkSovereignty]

based on personal observation young adults seem to be more dependent on their parents, rather than the opposite.

 

[Megaton Sun]

So I've noticed my generation (I consider my generation to be around the age 16 to 30, but that's just a rough calculation) is in an odd position so far as parents go. There seems to be a growing number of young adults in the USA, maybe the world, who's parents absolutely refuse to ease control over them.

Now I'm not talking about the funny "Everybody Loves Raymond" kind of controlling parents, the kind who annoyingly stick their nose in their adult offspring's business and talk to them like infants, but are otherwise harmless. I'm talking about parents who seem to violently oppose their children gaining any independence, and/or cling to them for emotional and monetary support while emotionally (sometimes physically) beating their adult children down at the same time. Thus the relationship between parent and son/daughter becomes symbiotic and unhealthy.


If I'm not making sense, I apologize. This isn't an easy subject to talk about. I live with this, and so do a majority of my friends. The problem is what to do about it, especially when said parents rely on you for support, and in an economy unfriendly to young adults looking housing outside their folk's basement. As well as the emotional and self esteem issues it causes...

This may seem like it ought to be an easy issue, but anyone who has to deal with it in their daily life knows it really isn't.

Anyone else in the same or similar boat? Anyone have any advice? A story to tell (perhaps how you fixed or escaped your situation)? A hug for the hopeless?

Let's talk about it.

May I ask how old you are and how old they are?

I don't know if I can offer any advice but I cut off all ties with my parents and moved out when I was 17. It's the best thing I have ever done. My mother still hasnt met my daughter.

But really you should probably just tell them how you really feel and make some ultimatums. If you are supporting them financially then you have every right to be the "parent" in this situation.

 

[chaseter]

Parrents

Maybe they should be more overbearing when it comes to spelling.

 

[The Guard]

This just isn't the norm where I come from. Most parents want their kids to be self-sustaining. I know of a few occurrences where kids help support the family while living at home, but without more information, I dont' know what you mean by "overbearing". A lot of parents can seem overbearing when really all they're doing is being good parents. And some parents are paranoid, immature, or actually overbearing.

My ex wife had a mother who had never held a job herself because she just didn't want to work and was angry at the world. This woman was so emotionally stunted that she lived next door to her own parents for 20-30 years and they supported her financially and enabled her helpless act/immature behavior while she racked up enormous amounts of debt.

When it came time for my wife to leave home in her early 20's, there was a massive struggle between her and her mother, who was incredibly dependent on her for emotional support/enabling behavior. It was an emotionally abusive situation all around and its a good thing she got out of there.

 

[Darthphere]

You want help and support?

Run away from home, get a job and live in the real world.

 

[bullets]

Anyone else in the same or similar boat? Anyone have any advice? A story to tell ?.

[YT]qI0dCVwdedE[/YT]

 

[Immortalfire]

Parents aren't overbearing, kids just want to whine and fight the power.

 

[Q45]

Parents aren't overbearing, kids just want to whine and fight the power.

That's a bit of a generalization, don't you think? Look I don't want anyone to think this issue is the worst thing in the world, and I guess it's not as common as I'd thought.

I thought I remembered a past thread dealing with this same subject at one time though.

 

[Thundercrack85]

People need a reality check. This generation (Generation Y) has the most laid back parents of any generation. Ask your parents how strict their parents were.

 

[Schlosser85]

Parents aren't overbearing, kids just want to whine and fight the power.

Sometimes the kids are whiners. Sometimes the parents are overbearing.

There are definitely both (whiny kids and overbearing/domineering parents) out there.

 

[C. Lee]

So I've noticed my generation (I consider my generation to be around the age 16 to 30, but that's just a rough calculation) is in an odd position so far as parents go. There seems to be a growing number of young adults in the USA, maybe the world, who's parents absolutely refuse to ease control over them.

Now I'm not talking about the funny "Everybody Loves Raymond" kind of controlling parents, the kind who annoyingly stick their nose in their adult offspring's business and talk to them like infants, but are otherwise harmless. I'm talking about parents who seem to violently oppose their children gaining any independence, and/or cling to them for emotional and monetary support while emotionally (sometimes physically) beating their adult children down at the same time. Thus the relationship between parent and son/daughter becomes symbiotic and unhealthy.


If I'm not making sense, I apologize. This isn't an easy subject to talk about. I live with this, and so do a majority of my friends. The problem is what to do about it, especially when said parents rely on you for support, and in an economy unfriendly to young adults looking housing outside their folk's basement. As well as the emotional and self esteem issues it causes...

This may seem like it ought to be an easy issue, but anyone who has to deal with it in their daily life knows it really isn't.

Anyone else in the same or similar boat? Anyone have any advice? A story to tell (perhaps how you fixed or escaped your situation)? A hug for the hopeless?

Let's talk about it.

I think the situation you describe is the rarity not the norm.

 

[Hobgoblin]

I sympathize Q45. For over ten years I listened to my mother talk about how men are all stupid and hate women. When I told her that I was tired of hearing about it, she said I should never have been born.

Dad is no better. I just finished my first year of grad school and all he said was "I'm surprised you made it this far." This coming from the guy that took 6 years to graduate high school. He whines about the money he has loaned me to pay for school, until I told him that I've paid back for over $10,000. That shut him up.

 

[Darthphere]

That's not really overbearing, that's just plain and simple terrible parents.

 

[Hobgoblin]

I can live with that analysis.

The frustrating thing is that no one believes me. Dad is a charming guy when he wants to be, especially in front of people. Then people leave and he goes back to his angry, petty, penny pinching self.

I cant tell people about Mom because she's dead and people think I'm beating up a person that cant defend themselves. I get told "You have to understand, she had it hard growing up." I understand that, trust me. She told me about it. But that was no excuse to take out her anger on me.


Argh.

 

[Darthphere]

I can live with that analysis.

The frustrating thing is that no one believes me. Dad is a charming guy when he wants to be, especially in front of people. Then people leave and he goes back to his angry, petty, penny pinching self.

I cant tell people about Mom because she's dead and people think I'm beating up a person that cant defend themselves. I get told "You have to understand, she had it hard growing up." I understand that, trust me. She told me about it. But that was no excuse to take out her anger on me.


Argh.

If you don't mind me asking, was your dad always like that or did he change into that after your mom died?

 

[Hobgoblin]

If you don't mind me asking, was your dad always like that or did he change into that after your mom died?

He always been like that. Mom said even after their wedding, she might as well have woken up with a totally different man than she married. He was fun before they were married and afterward, he tried to "lay down the law" about who was in charge in the marriage.

 

[CConn]

While my mom's not too bad (and I haven't seen my bi-polar dad since I was 12), I do keep seem to keep getting girlfriends who have mothers and families who seriously **** up their mental well-being.

It is a shame when you have a perfectly good, decent person who is constantly being dragged down by family ******** that's 100% self-created by the family members themselves.