Transformers The Reviews Thread

[ShadowBoxing]

BTW - I only used a quote from a classical artists because I know that's the only thing you can enjoy in life. Things that get a stamp of approval from high society. lolz. so sad.

It's a nice quote...you ought to have chosen something relevant though.

 

[arty2]

Baltimore Sun's review (positive)

Bang-up fun

Shape-shifting robots fill ‘Transformers’ with almost nonstop action. What’s not to like?
By Chris Kaltenbach
Sun Movie Critic
Originally published July 2, 2007

Rating: B

More so than any movie in recent memory, Transformers insists that audiences just go with it. Do that, and you might be surprised how much fun you'll have. Resist, and this probably wasn't a wise filmgoing choice in the first place.

Opening tonight in some theaters and tomorrow everywhere else, the action flick has so much going for it - namely, the supremely cool spectacle of watching cars and trucks rearrange themselves into giant robots - that its very real problems are easy to overlook. And if you're lucky enough to be in a theater full of crazed Transformer fans, all the better. It's hard to imagine them demanding any more from a film about shape-shifting alien robots than what this one provides.

Of course, there will be viewers who can't get past the idea of a film inspired by a line of toys, who will laugh derisively at the "in association with Hasbro" line in the opening credits. They'll sigh at the realization that director Michael Bay (Armageddon, Pearl Harbor) has once again made a film that slavishly adheres to his own simplistic formula: The first half introduces us to a collection of stock characters (frequently, as here, including the president or other inspirational government official), while the second half throws them into chaotic battle against a common foe. These critics will complain that none of it makes much sense, that the jokes are often too obvious to be funny, that the action is pitched so high that it's often impossible to tell exactly who is fighting whom.

And they'll be right. But this is a movie about robots turning themselves into cars, for pity's sake. Citizen Kane, it isn't. But for 140 minutes in the dead of summer, it's a ton of dumb fun.

In stentorian tones, the opening narration tells of a great battle between good and evil that long ago tore apart the planet Cybertron; its lasting legacy is a cube known as the Allspark, which gives limitless power to whoever possesses it. The search for that cube has led to Earth, where the good-guy warriors from Cybertron (known as the Autobots) are destined for one final showdown against the bad-guy Decepticons.

Phew. Now, with that bit of leaden exposition out of the way, the movie can get down to business. And it does, in the deserts of Qatar, where the Decepticons go up against a squad of U.S. Marines; in the bowels of the Pentagon, where Secretary of Defense John Keller (John Voight) and brainy blond computer whiz Maggie Madsen (Rachael Taylor) try to figure out which enemy is attacking, aliens or North Koreans; and in a quiet suburban neighborhood, where nerdy, horny teenager Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) has no idea that his new car is really an Autobot named Bumblebee.

Alone among the human characters in Transformers, Witwicky makes an impression. In part, that's because he's given all the best lines. But mostly, the credit goes to LaBeouf's spirited performance. Historically, director Bay has never paid much attention to his actors, and it shows; to say most of them sleepwalk through their performances would be to shortchange somnambulists everywhere. But LaBeouf, bless him, forces life into Witwicky, refusing to let us pin him down or to let the movie's relentless action overwhelm him.

Although it works fine on the metallic robots, Mitchell Amundsen's harsh cinematography doesn't serve the film's human cast well. And much of the film's humor is of the clunky variety (another Bay trademark), as when a little child mistakes one of the Decepticons for the tooth fairy, or when the Autobots try to adopt street slang. Still, every once in a while, Bay and screenwriters Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman (whose last script was for Mission: Impossible III) pull off a good one - when Witwicky's astonished parents first meet his hottie new girlfriend, Mikaela (Megan Fox), for example, or when John Turturro shows up as an operative of the government's Sector Seven group, which has been dealing with Transformers since the Hoover presidency.

Once the battle between the Autobots and Decepticons is joined, however, every other consideration is thrown out the window. Bay doesn't worry much about character and could not care less about bon mots, but he knows the wanton destruction the little boy in all of us craves, and puts it onscreen with an almost joyous abandon. Sure, the action is hard to follow, but that doesn't make it any less infectious.

One doubts this movie will transform its audience into a new legion of Transformer fans; the whole thing is too giddy to be taken seriously and too much of a confection to leave much of a lasting impression. But for 140 minutes, at least, it should give non-fanboys at least an idea of what all the fuss is about.

[email protected]

 

[spideyo]

Ebert almost gave it 4 stars if it wasn't for that last climatic battle. But I'm really looking forward to that battle. It's when we have all the Autobots going up against most of the Decepticons including the first fight with Megatron. It's a fitting conclusion I think to end the movie with a bang. Still I have not seen this film yet but I don't see why this long final battle can hurt the film. So far Spidey-3 and Pirates 3 have also had a pretty long final battles. But I think this battle will tower above them all. For the Rotten Tomatoes reviews there are still many reviews to be put up. By July 4th most of the reviews should be up. I'm really hoping for at least a 75 % fresh rating when it's all said and done. This will entitle it a certified fresh rating. So far though the negatives seem to be Bay haters, have no inner-child, doesn't understand the meaning of Sci-Fi, or is that anti-critic who seriously needs help -->Victoria Alexander.

 

[arty2]

Chicago Tribune's review (mixed)
Not sure if this is positive or negative, he's basically saying the film is loud and excessive, but it is what it is.

Clashing 'bots, aching eardrums

By Michael Phillips
Tribune movie critic
Published July 2, 2007

Some of us missed the "Transformers" craze by a few years, and we're just now getting up to slowlane, crushed-by-fanboys speed on the matter of Autobots and Decepticons and a generation's worth of transmogrifying merchandise.

We are the ones coming out of director Michael Bay's extraordinarily destructive tantrum of a blockbuster thinking, wow: noisy. So much noisier than any other film this year. Here is a movie with the volume level of a sure financial thing. If I were 12, I'd be there opening weekend, though I'm not sure if the 12-year-old me would've enjoyed it, exactly.

The film is more about submission than enjoyment. "Transformers" nearly got an R rating for "intensity."

But executive producer Steven Spielberg took a meeting and snagged the desired PG- 13, ensuring that millions of parents will mistakenly let their 6-year-olds see the film -- which isn't a bad film, and is sometimes quite deliriously pretty good -- because it comes from a beloved line of toys.

Never mind that Shia LaBeouf, the nominal, non-mechanical star of "Transformers," has described Bay's achievement as "aneurysm-inducing." That's a compliment. In Bay's world, which is more about metal than people, every action sequence must be edited like a cinematic seizure and every extreme-telephoto image must be jammed headlong into the next.

The story cooked up by screenwriters Robert Orci and Alex Kurtzman is essentially that of a boy and his Camaro, and how the Camaro helps the boy snag the hottest female in his class, an "evil jock concubine" played by Megan Fox.

The car, which is one of the good robots in disguise, also helps Sam save the world, though downtown L.A. looks worse for the wear by the end. The climax of "Transformers" contains all that is proficient and slick and all that is drecky and soulless in Bay's work. The big fight goes on forever, body-slamming the viewer like a sweaty sumo wrestler, but now and then you find a little nifty such as the sight of a bad 'bot flicking an unfortunate screaming pedestrian against a parked, crushed car, much as King Kong tossed that unwanted blond extra back in 1933.

Those Decepticons shoot up our boys pretty badly in the opening battle set in Qatar. U.S. Air Force warriors do not know what they're up against, until computer hacker geniuses led by Anthony Anderson and Tasmanian-born actress Rachael Taylor, who must've had an entire craft services table devoted to her lip gloss, clarify the nature of the evildoers for the benefit of the secretary of defense. He's played by Jon Voight with a wide-eyed intensity that sends secret messages to the adults in the audience: Why am I here? Well, why are you here?

The audience for "Transformers" is there for simple reasons: To see robot-on-robot and robot-on-human and human-on-robot violence.

Over and over, the military characters on screen bark orders to "bring the rain!" My favorite line comes when one of the Autobots asks another, why is this "primitive, violent race" worth saving, anyway? Because they make such walloping brainless entertainment, that's why. America will prevail, the film announces, even when we're under attack, even when our colleagues refuse to speak the official language on the job ("English, dude. English!"), even when the safety of our planet is threatened by telecommunications service calls handled by nose-picking people of color somewhere overseas.

There you have it: From "Armageddon" to "Pearl Harbor" to "Transformers," no one went to a Michael Bay film for sensitivity training.

"Transformers" ** 1/2

[email protected]

 

[Mr. Credible]

Baltimore Sun's review (positive)

Alone among the human characters in Transformers, Witwicky makes an impression. In part, that's because he's given all the best lines. But mostly, the credit goes to LaBeouf's spirited performance. Historically, director Bay has never paid much attention to his actors, and it shows; to say most of them sleepwalk through their performances would be to shortchange somnambulists everywhere. But LaBeouf, bless him, forces life into Witwicky, refusing to let us pin him down or to let the movie's relentless action overwhelm him.

you know what? that's bs. between Armageddon, the rock, bad boys I and II, and the island.... that quote just doesn't sit right with me. bay might be lacking in characterization (which i also call BS on) but his characters never lack personality. in fact, his characters always have more than enough, if not more than any similar movie's characterization.

i don't watch a summer blockbuster to a character go through some life altering chain of events. hardly any blockbuster can make such a claim... it's silly to hold micheal bay to that standard, when no 'summer' movie is held to it, either. it seems like just another reason to hate on him.

 

[blind_fury]

It's a nice quote...you ought to have chosen something relevant though.

riiiiight. [/dr.evil]

 

[Mr. Credible]

argh... the more i think about that quote, the more it pisses me off. is bay known for making big, stupid action movies? sure. does that mean that his actors don't turn in good, if not great performances? no.

both bad boys movies had some of the best 'buddy cop' movie interactions in recent memory, rivaling classics like lethal weapon or rush our. armageddon? if you didn't cry when bruce willis pressed that button at the end, you probably don't have a soul. the island? both lincoln and echo were so quirky and cute with their 'fish out of water' routine, it was just plain old fun to watch. micheal clark duncan had been great in all bay's movies, buscemi was great in all of them, too...

to say that bay can't direct actors.... well, that's just stupid, and really lets the reviewers "i hate bay" flag fly... i can't think of an actor that's turned in a bad performance in a micheal bay movie. feel free to prove me wrong, but i have yet to see a "wooden" performance from one.

 

[Marvin]

you know what? that's bs. between Armageddon, the rock, bad boys I and II, and the island.... that quote just doesn't sit right with me. bay might be lacking in characterization (which i also call BS on) but his characters never lack personality. in fact, his characters always have more than enough, if not more than any similar movie's characters.

his actors do alot of improv so if anything...it's very paying attention to the actors

(nic cage/sean connery/ will smith/ martin lawerence/ bruce willis being the strongest examples of this)

 

[terry78]

If it wasn't for the fact that most fanboys would want it to be more like a military action thriller, I'd suggest Bay take on G.I. Joe as well.

 

[Marvin]

argh... the more i think about that quote, the more it pisses me off. is bay known for making big, stupid action movies? sure. does that mean that his actors don't turn in good, if not great performances? no.

both bad boys movies had some of the best 'buddy cop' movie interactions in recent memory, rivaling classics like lethal weapon or rush our. armageddon? if you didn't cry when bruce willis pressed that button at the end, you probably don't have a soul. the island? both lincoln and echo were so quirky and cute with their 'fish out of water' routine, it was just plain old fun to watch. micheal clark duncan had been great in all bay's movies, buscemi was great in all of them, too...

to say that bay can't direct actors.... well, that's just stupid, and really lets the reviewers "i hate bay" flag fly... i can't think of an actor that's turned in a bad performance in a micheal bay movie. feel free to prove me wrong, but i have yet to see a "wooden" performance from one.

most ppl mis-interpret the island characters for wooden

as well as his use of gov't officials


the thing is ppl often see his actors doing over the top things and delivering lines that can't possibly be sincere...but that's more often than not due to the SCRIPT


I'd love to see ron howard have martin lawerence say "u forgot ur boarding pass" before shooting the guy on the plane...(yes in the script and yes big studio breathing down ur neck..and yes ur first movie so u can't say **** about it)
and not have it labled as "bad acting!"

I'm glad that this time bay is dealing with teen angst and robots...the reviewers wanna say all that bad stuff but they can't cause it's actually in context this time around
and so is characters jumping off of buildings

 

[Marvin]

If it wasn't for the fact that most fanboys would want it to be more like a military action thriller, I'd suggest Bay take on G.I. Joe as well.

and heman

 

[DarthAlani]

Fanboys have impossible expectations. Ever movie has to be the best movie ever to satisfy them.

 

[spideyo]

The movie is still looking good at Metacritic among the few reviews they have there. I think Metacritic seems more better than RT since they give each review a score rather than a rotten or fresh. Check it out :

http://www.metacritic.com/film/titles/transformers

 

[KenK]

The movie is still looking good at Metacritic among the few reviews they have there. I think Metacritic seems more better than RT since they give each review a score rather than a rotten or fresh. Check it out :

http://www.metacritic.com/film/titles/transformers

Yeah, too often, I'll read rotten reviews for movies, and think to myself, this personal actually LIKED the film, they just didn't love it.

 

[CFlash]

Ebert's review was cool. But it wasn't as shattering as I was hoping. I'm still getting the "this movie is fun in a braindead way" vibe from all the reviews except that Jonathan Scanlan review, which I found pretty interesting and hopeful.

 

[spideyo]

Ebert's review was cool. But it wasn't as shattering as I was hoping. I'm still getting the "this movie is fun in a braindead way" vibe from all the reviews except that Jonathan Scanlan review, which I found pretty interesting and hopeful.

Yeah CFlash I really like that review. I'm going to try to see the movie the way that reviewer did when watching it tonight at 8 pm. Really the line more than meets the eye is an import symbol of this film. Sure it has big robots and and nice visuals, but really there is more to it than what we are seeing. There is so much to do with technology and they way humans interact with it and comparing that too alien life-forms and how they interact with humans. I'll be looking for all kinds of symbolisms and analogies throughout the movie to point out.

 

[KappeiJin]

The score on RT it's something embarassing.

 

[spideyo]

The score on RT it's something embarassing.

Don't worry just yet. There are only 33 reviews. There will be over 100 reviews there probably by July 4th.

 

[spideyo]

And 67 % (2/3) is still higher than what 300, Spider-Man 3, Shrek 3, Pirates 3, and FF 2 has.

 

[KappeiJin]

The fact is that the movie can be bashed from any reviewer with pre-judgement about commercials and massive effects and so on despite is very well done. I mean, the score is not so true as it can appear. A comment like"It's a sickening force feeding commercial frenzy to sell cars, toys and war in the same breath that it pawns itself off as "cinema." This is not cinema. This is acid kool-aid for children. Don't drink it." makes really non-sense.

 

[Figs]

The fact is that the movie can be bashed from any reviewer with pre-judgement about commercials and massive effects and so on despite is very well done. I mean, the score is not so true as it can appear. A comment like"It's a sickening force feeding commercial frenzy to sell cars, toys and war in the same breath that it pawns itself off as "cinema." This is not cinema. This is acid kool-aid for children. Don't drink it." makes really non-sense.

Some *****e bag actually said that!?

 

[jnpoe]

Brazilian site Omelete released an early review

http://www.omelete.com.br/conteudo.aspx?id=100006484&secao=cine ( In Portuguese)

and they call it " Best Movie of the Season " , better than SM 3 , Pirates 3 , and Shrek 3

Main Reasons :

- " Has the best script and effects among those quoted "
- " Incredible perfomance by Shia Labeouf that stands besides the robots , believing completely in the bots , making them more realistic yet "
- " Great mix of Humor/Action with terrific fights between Autobots V.S. Decepticons "
- " You can feel a lot of Spielberg's touch on the filme which makes it even better "

 

[spideyo]

Yeah I agree there are so many pre-conceived thoughts that these critics are having before seeing the film. When they see it they only look for any negatives they can find and overpower it over the positives. If they can't find any negatives they find something else to put it down like used for advertising and not being real> Of course it's not reality. It's Science-Fiction. And if u look at the history of science fiction at the all time box office and look at the top 10 and you will see how Sci-Fi are films dominating. These films that open our imagination beyond our world is what going to theater is all about. All the dramas and romantic films can be seen home on your DVD player...lol. But really mostly everyone is agreeing that this movie is very entertaining and people would like to see it again and can't wait to buy the DVD's.

here are some more reviews :

http://blog.seattlepi.nwsource.com/popcornreview/archives/117441.asp

Robert's Review
A long time ago, far away on the planet of Cybertron, a war was being waged between the noble Autobots (led by the wise Optimus Prime) and the devious Decepticons (commanded by the dreaded Megatron) for control over the Allspark, a mystical source of great power that gave them life. The Autobots managed to smuggle the Allspark off the planet, but Megatron blasted off in search of it. He eventually tracked it to the planet of Earth (circa 1850), but his reckless desire for power sent him right into the Arctic Ocean, and the sheer cold forced him into a paralyzed state. His body was later found by Captain Archibald Witwicky, and before going into a cryogenic comatose state Megatron used the last of his power to engrave a map, showing the location of the Allspark, into the Captain's glasses, and send a transmission to Cybertron. He was then carted away by the Captain's ship. A century later, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) buys his first car. To his shock, he discovers it to be Bumblebee, an Autobot in disguise who is to protect him, as he bears the Captain's glasses and the map carved on them. But Bumblebee is not the only Transformer to have arrived on Earth – in the desert of Qatar, the Decepticons Blackout and Scorponok attack a U.S. military base, causing the Pentagon to send their special Sector Seven agents to capture all "specimens of this alien race," and Sam and his girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox) find themselves in the middle of a grand battle between the Autobots and the Decepticons, stretching from Hoover Dam all the way to Los Angeles. Meanwhile, within the depths of the Sector Seven, the cryogenically stored Megatron awakens...
As a movie lover, I have seen close to 3,000 movies in my short time here on Earth, so I do not say this lightly... "Transformers" is by far the coolest movie I have ever seen! I'm shocked and amazed that a movie could possibly be THIS entertaining and cool. Let me put this into a bit of perspective… there are swords and then there is Excalibur, there are beautiful women and then there was Helen of Troy, there are movies and NOW there is "Transformers"… the single most entertaining and awe-inspiring masterwork of cinema in the history of the world. The CGI meshes perfectly with the real-life sets, the action is breathtaking to watch as the Transformers battle across our world, the acting is excellent and I'm a huge fan of Shia LaBeouf (mark my words – this kid will go all the way to the top!) and the script writing was cutting edge with lots of references to today's hip & cool technologies like eBay, web surfing, etc. Plus, the level of humor in the script is off-the-charts. The entire audience was grinning from ear to ear the whole time during the press screening we went to (not just from the comedy, but also from the amazing CGI effects, the cinematography, the brilliant script, and so on) – this was more than just watching a movie, this was truly a cinematic 'experience' and as far as movies go, "Transformers" is the Crème de la Crème, the epitome of cinematic mastery. Kudos to director Michael Bay and executive producer Steven Spielberg for creating the best movie ever made, EVER!
All in all, I'd give this movie 6 STARS (out of 5). Re-watch value: OFF-THE-CHARTS (I will see this again and again in theaters and purchase on DVD).


Brett's Review
"Transformers" is the absolute of what an awesome comic movie should be. I have waited many years for someone to put out the perfect sci-fi movie and "Transformers" is that pinnacle. The Earth is caught in the middle of an intergalactic war between two races of robots, the heroic Autobots and the evil Decepticons, which are able to change into a variety of objects, including cars, trucks, planes and other technological creations. From the moment I found out Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg were making a movie based on the cartoon phenomena of the 80's-90's I was kind of apprehensive, (the same feeling I had when I heard about the LOTR trilogy). So when the night came for us to file into the theatre, the excitement was already reaching a high point, and then the lights dimmed and the credits rolled. The next 2 hours and 23 minutes were kind of a blur as I became swept into one of the best movies I think I have ever witnessed in my life, I became so engrossed in the story, the humor, and the CGI that I totally forgot I was at a movie theatre. After the movie ended all I wanted was to see more, I wanted it to continue and take me further down the rabbit hole. "Transformers" is the first movie that mixes real life and CGI flawlessly, the Autobots, and the Decepticons were simply put…incredible. I absolutely loved this movie and if you grew up with Transformers then you will love it, if you didn't then you will still love it. I plan on seeing this movie over and over and over again in the theatres to see if I can re-create the excitement, the thrill, and the imagination that this movie has offered.
Overall Rating: 6 Autobots (out of 5) Re-Watch Value: Incredibly HIGH (Theatres many times and DVD Collector's edition when available.)

 

[KappeiJin]

Brazilian site Omelete released an early review

http://www.omelete.com.br/conteudo.aspx?id=100006484&secao=cine ( In Portuguese)

and they call it " Best Movie of the Season " , better than SM 3 , Pirates 3 , and Shrek 3

Main Reasons :

- " Has the best script and effects among those quoted "
- " Incredible perfomance by Shia Labeouf that stands besides the robots , believing completely in the bots , making them more realistic yet "
- " Great mix of Humor/Action with terrific fights between Autobots V.S. Decepticons "
- " You can feel a lot of Spielberg's touch on the filme which makes it even better "

They're definitely right, it was really a consolation after SM3 and others... FF2 was pretty but tiny.. and finally this was very impressive

 

[arty2]

The New Yorker's review (positive)

Battle Scars

“Transformers”
by Anthony Lane

The opening scene of Michael Bay’s “Transformers” takes place in deep space. Out of the darkness comes a voice that is deeper still. It makes Barry White sound like a countertenor, and this is what it says: “Before time began, there was the Cube.” Hello? Mr. Rubik?

The film that ensues is acrylically bright, and the only way to match its median sound level would be to blow up a trombone factory, yet what descended on me in that first scene was a wintry pall of mystification. It never really lifted, but then I never collected small, twisted pieces of vehicular weaponry in the mid-nineteen-eighties, or watched the animated TV series that followed, and thus it is not to me that Bay is exposing his innermost soul. Transformers, as any parent who has ever bruised a heel on Bonecrusher can tell you, were a line of toys that could, given sufficient wrenching, be turned from cars and planes into robots and back again. Nowadays, we would call this recycling, but at the climax of the Cold War it felt more like eternal readiness. You could sit moodily in the back of your parents’ Pontiac Sunbird and imagine cruise missiles bursting out of the headlamps.

Now these delightful objets d’art have a movie to themselves. We should not be surprised. Long ago, when the impact of “Star Wars” was beefed up by a line of merchandise, some of us noticed that the five-inch Lukes and Leias possessed a depth and mobility that was denied to their onscreen counterparts, and, decades later, we have reached the reductio ad absurdum of that rivalry: rather than spin the toys off from the movie, why not build the movie from the toys? “Transformers” is not the first effort in this direction; I distinctly remember finding a couchful of children enraptured by a DVD of “Barbie of Swan Lake” and realizing that Ingmar Bergman’s “Persona” had not, after all, signalled the final disintegration of human personality. Bay’s movie, however—as befits the bringer of “The Rock,” “Armageddon,” and “Pearl Harbor”—is the grandest proof so far that, when it comes to movie characterization, flesh and blood have had their chance. From here on, it’s up to metal and plastic.

There are two types of Transformers: the Autobots, who are fine, upstanding citizens in pretty colors, and the Decepticons, most of whom are mean, vengeful, and beige. The quarrel between the two sides began on their home planet. For the purposes of the movie, however, they duke it out on ours. One of the Decepticons disguises itself as a helicopter and trashes an American military base in Qatar; another pretends to be a boom box (who still has one of those?) and stows away on Air Force One. Their target is a slender naïf named Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), a teen-ager who happens to hold the key to the universe or some such useless item. Fortunately, his car, a trusty yellow Camaro, is in fact a saintly Autobot that has been sent to protect him. This shield-the-kid plot is pilfered from “Terminator 2,” and there are matching nods to “Godzilla” and the recent “King Kong,” but, if you really want to know what “Transformers” feels like, think of a hundred-and-thirty-five-minute, hundred-and-fifty-million-dollar retread of “Herbie Goes Bananas.”

The spectacle of life and feeling being vested in the inanimate is as old as cinema itself, and you could argue that it peaked early, in 1927, with the slowly opening eyes of the robot in “Metropolis.” The latter was a woman, which is more than “Transformers” can muster—there’s not a Femitron, or what Bay would presumably call a Chickibot, in sight, and we are left to wonder how, why, and via what stimulation his mounds of scrap metal might reproduce. “These things just don’t die,” a soldier says, which raises the question of whether they ever just live. Certainly, the director can’t decide on their level of moral sophistication; early on, they seem merely aggressive and willful, not unlike a real Camaro, but then suddenly the Autobots—led by Optimus Prime, whose name suggests an ambitious, moist-palmed young curate out of Trollope—begin gushing sermons like oil. “Freedom is the right of all sentient beings,” Optimus declares, shortly before he and Megatron, his opposite number, start cartwheeling through major conurbations. Personally, I tend to feel less, not more, sentient when a pair of battling robots lands on my desk, but that’s just me.

In previous movies, Michael Bay dabbled wearily in Homo sapiens. At last he has summoned the courage to admit that he has an exclusive crush on machines, and I congratulate him on creating, in “Transformers,” his first truly honest work of art. Not that he needs my plaudits; as a passerby exclaims in the midst of the film, “This is easily a hundred times cooler than ‘Armageddon’!” To be proud of your achievement is one thing, but to plant film critics inside your movie and review it favorably as you go along: that takes genius. Where it leaves real critics—rusty old Concepticons, with failing firepower—I hate to think.