A new script with better formatting; please help.

[Hades]

This story takes place 400 years in the future in New York City 9.

Voice over: The Year is 2406. It is the future. The future is very much like today except advanced in many ways including technology.

Steve: Hey son wake up its time for us to go to the future store we need future milk for my space cereal.

Jimmy: Ok dad let me just put on my hyper bolta pants and i will be ready to go in our car which runs on hydrogen!

Steve: Well hurry please what do you think this is 2006?

Jimmy: ha ha ha Good one dad!

(they leave the house and get into the car. It looks like a modern day car except instead of wheels it has rocket boosters and the entire thing is made of a very shiny metal.

Steve: Dont worry about buckling up son we havent used seatbelts since 2306 when we perfected car travel!

Jimmy: Wowwy thats cool Dad.

Steve: SPACE CAR OF THE FUTURE TAKE ME TO THE FUTURE STORE

Jimmy: Oh boy I can't wait.


Thats the first two acts what do you guys think? I'm really trying to show the bond between father and son because later in the story the son falls into a mine.

 

[enterthemadness]

This story takes place 400 years in the future in New York City 9.

Voice over: The Year is 2406. It is the future. The future is very much like today except advanced in many ways including technology.

Steve: Hey son wake up its time for us to go to the future store we need future milk for my space cereal.

Jimmy: Ok dad let me just put on my hyper bolta pants and i will be ready to go in our car which runs on hydrogen!

Steve: Well hurry please what do you think this is 2006?

Jimmy: ha ha ha Good one dad!

(they leave the house and get into the car. It looks like a modern day car except instead of wheels it has rocket boosters and the entire thing is made of a very shiny metal.

Steve: Dont worry about buckling up son we havent used seatbelts since 2306 when we perfected car travel!

Jimmy: Wowwy thats cool Dad.

Steve: SPACE CAR OF THE FUTURE TAKE ME TO THE FUTURE STORE

Jimmy: Oh boy I can't wait.


Thats the first two acts what do you guys think? I'm really trying to show the bond between father and son because later in the story the son falls into a mine.

That's..not good imo.

V.O = Voice Over. You should also add some commas in your sentences. Either that or I just suck at grammer.

 

[JLBats]

This story takes place 400 years in the future in New York City 9.

Voice over: The Year is 2406. It is the future. The future is very much like today except advanced in many ways including technology.

Steve: Hey son wake up its time for us to go to the future store we need future milk for my space cereal.

Jimmy: Ok dad let me just put on my hyper bolta pants and i will be ready to go in our car which runs on hydrogen!

Steve: Well hurry please what do you think this is 2006?

Jimmy: ha ha ha Good one dad!

(they leave the house and get into the car. It looks like a modern day car except instead of wheels it has rocket boosters and the entire thing is made of a very shiny metal.

Steve: Dont worry about buckling up son we havent used seatbelts since 2306 when we perfected car travel!

Jimmy: Wowwy thats cool Dad.

Steve: SPACE CAR OF THE FUTURE TAKE ME TO THE FUTURE STORE

Jimmy: Oh boy I can't wait.


Thats the first two acts what do you guys think? I'm really trying to show the bond between father and son because later in the story the son falls into a mine.

I love you more everyday. This is awesome.

 

[Hades]

thanks alot im glad someone here takes me seriously i had just about given up hope for this board

 

[enterthemadness]

Well, it just wasn't good imo. Maybe you are better at horror, action or romance. Not everyone will like your writing. You will always have haters and supporters.

 

[Hades]

Because you are so cool I put up the next two acts

Scene: Shot from interior of space car as they fly to the future store

Steve: So how was space school yesterday jimmy did you learn about fluxations?

Jimmy: No yesterday we talked about history!

Steve: History that sounds sifto! Tell me more!

Jimmy: Well Dad we learned that a long time ago there was a man named George W. Bush who was president of the United Setes.

Steve: Actually they were called the United States my boy.

Jimmy: Oh sorry. I sure am glad we have space-communism now instead that silly old united states.

Steve: Me to son, me too.

Space Car: WARNING WARNING FUTURE MALFUCNTION WARNING

JIMMY: OH NO!! (jimmy falls out of the car and into a mine)

Steve: OH NO HE FELL INTO THE SPACE MINE!

 

[Hades]

Well, it just wasn't good imo. Maybe you are better at horror, action or romance. Not everyone will like your writing. You will always have haters and supporters.

obviously you have never had a father or you would know where im coming from

 

[JLBats]

Because you are so cool I put up the next two acts

Scene: Shot from interior of space car as they fly to the future store

Steve: So how was space school yesterday jimmy did you learn about fluxations?

Jimmy: No yesterday we talked about history!

Steve: History that sounds sifto! Tell me more!

Jimmy: Well Dad we learned that a long time ago there was a man named George W. Bush who was president of the United Setes.

Steve: Actually they were called the United States my boy.

Jimmy: Oh sorry. I sure am glad we have space-communism now instead that silly old united states.

Steve: Me to son, me too.

Space Car: WARNING WARNING FUTURE MALFUCNTION WARNING

JIMMY: OH NO!! (jimmy falls out of the car and into a mine)

Steve: OH NO HE FELL INTO THE SPACE MINE!

Oh man.

I want to stop reading because I have a lot of stuff to do, but I just can't, because this is so ****ing good.

Keep it up.

Is Jimmy based on anyone we know?

 

[Hades]

Oh man.

I want to stop reading because I have a lot of stuff to do, but I just can't, because this is so ****ing good.

Keep it up.

Is Jimmy based on anyone we know?

yes. it is based on my friend jimmy
his father beat and killed him when he was younger. it is dedicated to his memory r.i.p jimmy

 

[Hades]

ok this is the final part.

(scene takes place at a future-funeral for Jimmy)

Pastor: Jimmy had a bright future future ahead of him. He was going to make the future his past but now his future past has passed and he only has darnkess.

Steve: I am so sad.
(everyone slowly leaves the grace except for steve.)

Steve: Jimmy I know you cant hear me but i bought you these space flowers from the flower store.
( a scientist approaches)

Scientist: Sir i have away to bring back your son do you want to do it?

Steve: Yes.

(they go to a lab it has technology all over the place)

Scientist: This is my Future Time machine. it allows me to travel through time. i can go back in time or i can go forward in time. If i want to visit 1776 I can if i want to visit the year 3000 i can.

Steve: I know,I'll take the time machine and get Past Jimmy to become New Future Jimmy

Scientist: Exactly

(steve steps into the machine. he is in jimmys room looking at jimmy)

Jimmy: Ok dad let me just put on my hyper bolta pants and i will be ready to go in our car which runs on hydrogen!

(Steve grabs jimmy and then goes back into the future future with future past jimmy)

(a breif montage shows steve explaining everything to jimmy)

Steve: I love you son.

Jimmy: I love you too jimmy.

Scientist: I love sciene!

Jimmy and Steve together: OH SCIENTIST!!!

(fades to black)

 

[Cyrusbales]

It's a little short, what genre are you going for?

 

[JLBats]

Oh, man.

I can't believe you went through with killing him.

And, I know this sounds crazy and pretentious, but I ****ing FELT that father's pain.

When he goes back in time to return his son to him, we really feel this echo, it becomes this statement for the obsessive love of a father for a son, and it shows, in a very subtle and intelligent way, the cyclical nature of time and love and loss and longing.

It's not a classic, and it's not well known, but for me this story says more about death than anything else ever written.

It echoes, it fluctuates. When that brilliant time travel punchline kicks in, God, not only does it change the whole flow of the story, and really tie everything together, but it KICKS. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. There's pain there, and longing and loss, and broken promises and regrets, and 1000 words describing the road not taken... all done in just a few simple sentences.

I don't know about you, but when the time comes for me, I'll be thinking about little Jimmy and Steve, and the time machine that tied it all together.

Is there a title? If there isn't, I was thinking "Time Shaft" or possibly "Down By The Well of Time".

 

[Hades]

It's a little short, what genre are you going for?

I figure it will be about an hour long or so.
and you must be emotionaly ******ed if you cannot realize it is a drama

 

[Hades]

Oh, man.

I can't believe you went through with killing him.

And, I know this sounds crazy and pretentious, but I ****ing FELT that father's pain.

When he goes back in time to return his son to him, we really feel this echo, it becomes this statement for the obsessive love of a father for a son, and it shows, in a very subtle and intelligent way, the cyclical nature of time and love and loss and longing.

It's not a classic, and it's not well known, but for me this story says more about death than anything else ever written.

It echoes, it fluctuates. When that brilliant time travel punchline kicks in, God, not only does it change the whole flow of the story, and really tie everything together, but it KICKS. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. There's pain there, and longing and loss, and broken promises and regrets, and 1000 words describing the road not taken... all done in just a few simple sentences.

I don't know about you, but when the time comes for me, I'll be thinking about little Jimmy and Steve, and the time machine that tied it all together.

Is there a title? If there isn't, I was thinking "Time Shaft" or possibly "Down By The Well of Time".

Those are some good ideas. i think maybe "jimmy steve and the space mine of doom in the future". but i wiill take yours into consideration

 

[JLBats]

It's a crime that so few people are commenting on tihs.

 

[The Shape]

It's a crime that so few people are commenting on tihs.

I don't think anyone gets it, besides you and me.

 

[JLBats]

I don't think anyone gets it, besides you and me.

Well, to be fair, it IS extremely high brow and sort of "auteur" in nature, but the masses SHOULD be exposed to it.

 

[Arcturus]

I like it, excellent work Hades.

 

[Cyrusbales]

I appretiate it, although it's not exactly my thing, the space cereals and stuff is not my sort of thing, But I am intrigued, and would like to see this come to fruition.

 

[WeaponZ2]

I like the title "Time Shaft".

 

[JLBats]

Bumping this masterpiece.

 

[maxwell's demon]

these is genisu

 

[JLBats]

Is there more to it? Maybe a sequel?

 

[Assassin32]

That was hilarious.

 

[Hades]

Is there more to it? Maybe a sequel?

no i will not make a sequel. How this stands it is everything i could want it to be.
i will not sacrafice my artistic entegrity for such a thing at least not untill somebody pays me for this kind of stuff so i can buy cocaine and ****es im not making any sequels.