Zev
Superhero
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AUDIENCE: Alright, a new Superman movie!
BRYAN SINGER: Well, its not quite new its kinda half-new, since were following the old movies.
AUDIENCE: Right, so technically this is Superman 5.
BRYAN SINGER: No, were ignoring the last two movies.
AUDIENCE: Why?
BRYAN SINGER: Cuz they sucked.
AUDIENCE: fair enough. So, the last time we saw Superman he was telling the President he would never abandon his responsibilities as a superhero again.
BRYAN SINGER: Erm
***
JOHN WILLIAMS: Theme!
FIRST TWO MOVIES: Happen!
BRYAN SINGER: Yes!
AUDIENCE: This seems very familiar somehow
***
FIVE YEARS: We have passed
***
AUDIENCE: Wow, Kevin Spacey. Finally, a Lex who isnt campy and saddled with
KITTY: Hi!
AUDIENCE: Idiotic sidekicks.
KITTY: Lex, you did it! You swindled an old lady out of her millions and became a free man, thus becoming coincidentally closer to your Post-Crisis incarnation.
LEX: Theres only one thing left to do now.
KITTY: Kill Superman?
LEX: No RAP!
Now this is the story all about how,
My life got flipped, turned upside down,
And I'd like to take a minute, dont go take a piss
I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Metropolis.
***
MARTHA KENT: Ahhh, life sure is quiet here in this small town wait a minute, everythings shaking and rattling! It could only mean GRABOIDS!
CLARK: Hey mom.
MARTHA: Clark! I knew it!
CLARK: Just stopped by on my way to Metropolis oh, Ive got some laundry for you to do, if youre up for it. Hey, you gonna finish that chicken?
***
POINTLESS FLASHBACK: Happen!
YOUNG CLARK KENT: Im young!
CLARK: Wow, that was pointless.
DOG: Play fetch! Play fetch!
CLARK: Haha, silly dog. If you want my affection, you have to retrieve this baseball from somewhere in Alabama.
***
Meanwhile, somewhere in Alabama
NEWSCASTER: Sixty people were killed today as a baseball traveling at supersonic speeds hit a small plane full of refugees, causing it to crash into an orphanage for sick children. Some believe this was foretold by Nostradamus. Because theyre dumbasses.
***
KITTY: So, Lex, why are you so evil?
LEX: Blah blah blah Prometheus blah blah hate Superman blah blah greedy.
KITTY: Everyone got that?
LEX: Man, Im glad I invested in a hot babe to bounce exposition off of.
MAGNETO: Thats always
MYSTIQUE: A good investment.
KUMAR: Mr. Luthor, weve reached our destination.
LEX: Excellent. Once we have some of those little White Castle burgers, well go to Supermans Fortress of Solitude and steal his technology.
KUMAR: Which I guess doesnt include a lock.
LEX: Actually, it does.
***
FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE: Dont tell me what I cant do! This is my destiny!
***
CLARK: Well, back at the Daily Planet. Time to check in with the clichéd wacky supporting cast.
JIMMY: Hey Clark.
CLARK: Hey Jimmy.
PERRY: Hi Clark.
CLARK: Hi Perry.
NEWMAN: Hello Clark.
CLARK :Hello Newman. So, Jimmy, I notice youre not gay.
JIMMY: Yeah. Dodged a bullet on that one. I mean, gay director and the fact that the last live-action Superman was Smallville? Thought I was a goner.
CLARK: I thought we agreed not to talk about Smallville.
JIMMY: Why?
***
KITTY: You act like youve been in this Fortress of Solitude before.
LEX:
SMALLVILLE WATCHERS: *go off to write thousands of pieces of badfic about the Fortress of Solitude being Clark and Lexs secret love nest*
LEX: Thats odd. Its as if theres some other attractive man for slashers to smush together with the hero.
***
CLARK: Ahh, everything is just the way I left it.
JASON: I love my mom, who is Lois Lane.
CLARK: Yup, just the way I left it.
RICHARD: Herro, Im Richard White. While you were gone, I, a relative of your boss whos a newspaper editor, took up with your woman.
CLARK: Just like in Spider-Man 2?
RICHARD: No, no, no, its completely different. There, the other man was J. Jonah Jamesons son. Im Perry Whites nephew.
CLARK: Yes, youre right. That is totally different.
RICHARD: Yes.
CLARK:
RICHARD:
CLARK: Were getting sued, arent we?
RICHARD: Bigtime. Oh, by the way, I had a child with Lois.
CLARK: Bastard.
RICHARD: Hey, just because he was born out of wedlock is not reason to call Jason names!
CLARK: I wasnt talking to him.
***
CLARK: Well, Ill drown my sorrows by having a beer or two.
AUDIENCE: Boo!
CLARK: Hey, whats the big deal?
AUDIENCE: Youre supposed to fight for Truth, Justice, and the American Way; not Truth, Justice, and the Irish Way!
***
LEX: Right, now Im going to test how these Kryptonian crystals work by experimenting on a miniature train set. Since apparently tell me everything didnt tell me anything.
KUMAR: Hey boss, isnt it convenient how Lois Lane doesnt get into a life-threatening situation and you dont get out of prison until Superman Returns?
KITTY: Hey, he said the name of the cartoon!
LEX: Sigh.
***
PLANE: Not even God himself could sink this ship errr, crash this plane.
GOD: Wanna bet?
And the space plane thing went off without a hitch.
JOHN BRYNE: REBOOT!
PLANE: OH GOD, WERE ALL GONNA DIE!
***
SUPERMAN: Returns.
***
AUDIENCE: So, wait, that whole thing was just a bigger and badder version of Superman showing up for the first time in the Donner movie?
BRYAN SINGER: Aint it cool?
AUDIENCE: *starts to see a pattern*
***
PERRY: Alright, Ive only got five minutes in this movie, but Im going to make them good. Travel, where did he go? Did he take a vacation? Fashion! Is that a new suit? Why does it suck so much? Health
LOIS: Perry, the blogosphere scooped us again.
PERRY: ****.
***
LOIS: Why didnt you I mean Superman say goodbye?
CLARK: Well, God, Lois, its not like we I mean, you and Superman were dating.
LOIS: But you I mean, Superman were definitely sending signals.
CLARK: Yeah, then I had sex with you. Youre sushi, babe. Cold fish.
LOIS: Umm, you mean, Superman had sex with me, right?
CLARK: I guess if Id had that much wine, itd be hard for me to remember that Christmas party five years ago either.
***
SUPERMAN: Now to super-stalk Lois Lane before sending her some super-threatening e-mails and snapping some super-shots of her in the shower for me to super-jerk-off to.
RICHARD: Lois, were you in love with Superman?
LOIS: Well, duh.
***
THIEVES: Say, why did we decide to assemble a huge gyroscoping chaingun rather than just make our get away?
SUPERMAN: So that the bullets can look pretty cool ricocheting off my chest, although conveniently they dont hit anyone.
BATMAN: Its alright. Even if they did, theyre rubber bullets.
SUPERMAN: Promise?
THIEF: Right, well, Im gonna fire a bullet into your eyeball now.
SUPERMAN: Who taught you how to shoot, Dario Argento?
***
LEX: Right, now to steal the thing in the whole world that can kill Superman. Luckily, its still as unprotected as the first time I stole it.
***
JIMMY: Look at these pictures I took.
LOIS: Its a bird.
PERRY: Its a plane.
JIMMY: No, look, its
CLARK: An overly cutesy joke routine?
LOIS: I wanna investigate the blackouts!
PERRY: Clark, good. You cover the story that you have no interest in and Lois, you also cover the story you have no interest in.
CLARK: Ummm
LOIS: Shouldnt we be, like, working together and having unresolved sexual tension?
PERRY: Now, kids, you know that if this were Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, Id be much cooler, for one thing.
CLARK: You are cool, Frank. You played Skeletor.
PERRY: Awww, thanks Brandon. That means a lot coming from the guy who used to play uhhh
LOIS: Well, dont look at me. I was in the movie that defined our generation Blue Crush.
***
RICHARD: You ever notice that if Clark were to take off his glasses, comb his hair, and stand up straight he would be a dead ringer for Superman?
LOIS: Now that I think of it, youre right!
RICHARD: Then it can only mean one thing.
LOIS: Weve got to enter him into the Halloween costume contest!
***
LOIS: Time to get my smoke on.
SUPERMAN: Im sorry, Lois, but tobacco is whacko if youre a teen.
LOIS: Im not a teenager!
SUPERMAN: Sure youre not. Hey, remember the scene in the original movie where we flew together? Wanna do that again?
LOIS: Well, the movies only two and a half hours long, weve obviously got to put some padding in.
SUPERMAN: Right, interview me.
LOIS: Question, did you know that youre a total ******* to leave Earth, and by extension me, in the lurch like that?
SUPERMAN: Question, did I mention youre a total ***** for saying the world was better off without me?
LOIS: Ah, you answered a question with a question!
SUPERMAN: Damn, shes good.
***
LOIS: Im in a moral quandary about whether or not the world needs Superman.
PERRY: Dont worry, since no one has really argued for either position so much as made references to arguing, we can just consider the plot thread dropped.
LOIS: Just like whether I remember having sex with Superman?
PERRY: Just like.
LOIS: Oh, and I figured out where the black-outs are coming from. You think its a good idea to bring my five-year-old son to the epicenter of an inexplicable catastrophe?
PERRY: No, thats a phenomenally stupid idea.
LOIS: Right, thanks chief.
***
SUPERMAN: Alright, back to the Fortress of Solitude. WHAT THE!? My crystals! My porn stash was on there! oh well, better take the time to check my answering machine.
FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE: You have 4,829,413,101 messages. Message one.
LOIS: Superman, help me! Superman!
FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE: Message two.
LOIS: Help, Superman!
FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE: Message three.
BATMAN: Heeeey, Clark. Jeph Loebs writing us again, so if you wanna stop over sometime, maybe bring some lube
***
LOIS: Hmm classical music. Only villains listen to classical music in movies, so the bad guy must be in that yacht.
JASON: Mommy, are we trespassing?
LOIS: Kid, if you dont shut up, my belt is going to be trespassing on your ass.
***
LOIS: OMFG, wigs! Only Lex Luthor owns wigs! We must be onboard his yacht!
LEX: No, Lois, this is a dingy. Youre on my dingy.
LOIS: GAK!
LEX: Wow, Ive never seen someone choke on the amount of vulgar jokes all fighting to get out of her mouth at once.
JASON: Youre bald.
LEX: Kid, do you know how to Pay It Forward?
***
RICHARD: We need to hack into Lois computer to find out where she went. Help me guess her password.
CLARK: Richard.
RICHARD: No.
CLARK: Superman.
RICHARD: No.
JIMMY: Try Jimmy.
CLARK & RICHARD:
JIMMY: Told you I wasnt gay.
***
LEX: Right, time to explain my plan to you. Step 1, use crystal to create new landmass, killing billions. Step 2 Step 3, profit!
LOIS:
LEX: Youre not seeing the big picture!
***
SUPERMAN: Ive got to save wait, we left out a thing.
***
LEX: Cmon, let me hear you say it, just once.
LOIS: Youre insane.
LEX: No! No, not that, the other thing.
LOIS: Gene Hackman was a better
LEX: WRONG!
***
JASON: *plays piano*
BRUTUS: *also plays piano*
THIS SCENE: *totally random, yet awesome*
***
LEX: Right, now to enact my evil scheme. Anyone want to have a moral reawakening and try to stop me?
HENCHMEN: No, were good.
LEX: Are you sure? Because there wont be time later.
HENCHMEN: Were sure.
LEX: Good. Alright, lets light this ***** up.
***
WATER: Hi there.
CRYSTAL: Hello.
WATER: Wanna totally ignore the Law of Conservation of Mass together?
CRYSTAL: WOULD I!?
***
LOTS OF STUFF: *falls*
SUPERMAN: *catches*
CIVILIANS: *saved*
PERRY: Great Caesars ghost!
COMICS FANS *pleased*
***
BRUTUS: So, trying to send a fax?
LOIS: Well, I was also going to try and make a phone call.
BRUTUS: Just the fax, maam. Now then, I KEEL YOU!
JASON: Wait, how do you get to Carnegie Hall?
BRUTUS: I dont know, how?
PIANO: SMASH!
JASON: In a body bag.
AUDIENCE: Wow, a five-year-old just killed a guy. Movie, you wanna spend some time on that?
MOVIE: No.
***
LEX: Okay, anyone wanna use this yacht before we toss it? No? Okay, its a death trap. We outie.
***
RICHARD: I SAVE YOU!
JASON: Wait a minute. I know you. Youre Cyclops, the leader of the X-Men!
RICHARD: I'm sorry son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Richard White. I'm your father.
JASON: You are Cyclops. I've seen you in the movies. My dad's bought tickets.
RICHARD: I think you should get to the plane now, Jason. Right Lois?
LOIS: Nahhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone, let him stay here.
RICHARD: But just remember, my name is RICHARD WHITE. I'm Perrys nephew and Lois new man.
JASON: I think you're the greatest, but my dad says youre the boringest character in the movies. And he says that lots of times, it doesnt even matter if youre there. And that you don't really try to act... except during the climax.
RICHARD: The hell I don't! LISTEN KID. I've been hearing that crap ever since the first movie. I'm out there busting my buns every movie. Tell your old man to be Wolverines straight man for two and a half hours.
***
SLASHER 1: Obviously, the Krypton landmass penetrating into the white yacht is a metaphor.
SLASHER 2: Yeah for what?
SLASHER 1: I dont know.
SLASHER 2: I guess sometimes a Krypton landmass really is just a Krypton landmass.
***
SUPERMAN: Looks like I got here just in time to make the SAVE!
RICHARD: Well, this couldnt be more awkward
LOIS: Whisper whisper
RICHARD: WHAT!? Then who is the father?
LOIS: Whisper whisper
RICHARD: well, I was wrong about the awkward part.
***
SUPERMAN: Man, this island looks familiar
LEX: SEE ANYTHING FAMILIAR?
SUPERMAN: What did I just say?
LEX: Well, Im going to make a bunch of veiled insults involving you being inhuman, so add racism to revenge and profit as far as my motivations go.
SUPERMAN: So, you hate all aliens, eh?
LEX: Except for the ones from K-Pax.
SUPERMAN: Well, time to whoa, I didnt notice all this Kryptonite radiation killing me until just now.
LEX: Alright, gang, time to take the advice of Michael Jackson and beat it.
KITTY: Isnt that song about *********ion?
LEX: No, its about bloody gang warfare! God!
KUMAR: Still, boss, your syntax is kinda strained. Technically, you should say beat him.
LEX: Just start hitting him or there wont be time to nail him to the cross.
KUMAR: *tries to drown the guy who can breathe in space*
SUPERMAN: Forgive them, Jor-El, they know not what they do!
LEX: Now fly.
SUPERMAN: Fry?
LEX: Fly.
SUPERMAN: It sounded like fry.
LEX: No, I meant to say fly. Otherwise, I would have said Now, fry.
FRY: I just came to tell you Zoidberg is great. He's got male jelly coming out the wazoo.
LEX: Well, that IS where it comes out. Speaking of coming out
SMALLVILLE FANS: Yeeeeeesssssss?
LEX: You might have a hard time getting this Kryptonite shiv to come out after I stab you in the gut with it.
SMALLVILLE FANS: (disappointed) Oh.
***
LOIS: We have to go back!
RICHARD: To save Superman?
LOIS: No, to ask if those crystals have a cure for Krypmydia.
***
SUPERMAN: You you saved me.
RICHARD: You know, Im going to tell Batman you got saved by a girl.
SUPERMAN: Shut up.
***
SUPERMAN: Just keep pushing, just keep pushing
LEX: Wow, Superman indirectly caused the death of my henchmen. Wanna talk about that, movie?
MOVIE: Nope.
***
KITTY: Sorry Lex, but I had to get rid of the crystals.
LEX: MISS TESCHMACHER!
KITTY: Wrong movie.
LEX: Damn!
***
It is important to note that suddenly, and against all probability, Superman conked out several miles above the surface of an alien (to him) planet. Since this isn't a naturally tenable position for a Superman, this innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity. This is what it thought, as it fell.
SUPERMAN: Ahhh! Woooh! What's happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life? What do I mean by who am I? Okay okay calm down calm down get a grip now. Ooh, this is an interesting sensation. What is it? Its a sort of tingling in my... well I suppose I better start finding names for things. Lets call it a... arm! Yeah! Arm! And hey, whats this roaring sound, whooshing past what I'm suddenly gonna call my head? Wind! Is that a good name? It'll do. Yeah, this is really exciting. I'm dizzy with anticipation! Or is it the wind? There's an awful lot of that now isn't it? And whats this thing coming toward me very fast? So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like 'Ow', 'Ownge', 'Round', 'Ground'! Thats it! Ground! Ha! I wonder if it'll be friends with me? Hello Ground!
Curiously the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias, as it fell, was, Oh no, not again.
***
PERRY: Richard, Ive prepared a variety of newspaper front pages to cover any possible situation!
RICHARD: Superman Lives? Superman Dies?
PERRY: Theres more on the other side.
RICHARD: Superman Lives and hes gay?
PERRY: Well, you never know.
***
RICHARD: Alright Lois, you go in and talk to Superman.
LOIS: Right.
JASON: Well, there she goes.
RICHARD: I lose most women that way.
JASON: How do you lose the rest?
RICHARD: Jason, have you ever heard of the Phoenix Force?
***
LOIS: Superman, I dont know if you can hear me but Jason is your son. So Im going to be expecting five years worth of child support back payments. And as long as Im here *dips Supermans hand in cup of warm water.*
***
KITTY: Lex, stop throwing away those coconuts. We only have six.
LEX: Six? SIX? I would trade three hundred THOUSAND coconuts and every OUNCE of your blood for a single QUART of GASOLINE!
KITTY: Three hundred thousand coconuts? That would be a lovely bunch of coconuts, deedly deedly, there they are all standing in a row bum bum bum big ones, small ones, some as big as your head!
LEX: forget the dog, Im eating you.
***
SUPERMAN: Time to sneak into this guys room at night and watch him sleep.
SLASHERS: YES!
SUPERMAN: Hey, hes my son!
WINCEST FANS: Your point being?
SUPERMAN: Right, time for the thematic similarity. Ahem Dont tell Harry.
***
LOIS: Will we see you around?
SUPERMAN: Im always around. Especially when youre on the toilet.
LOIS: Wait, whut?
SUPERMAN: Up, up, and lets go get em!
***
SUPERMAN: Y'know, I can't help but think I forgot something...
LOIS: Work at the Peach Pit, Richard White. Work at the Peach Pit like Brandon Walsh!
SUPERMAN: Wow, deja voodoo.
BRYAN SINGER: Well, its not quite new its kinda half-new, since were following the old movies.
AUDIENCE: Right, so technically this is Superman 5.
BRYAN SINGER: No, were ignoring the last two movies.
AUDIENCE: Why?
BRYAN SINGER: Cuz they sucked.
AUDIENCE: fair enough. So, the last time we saw Superman he was telling the President he would never abandon his responsibilities as a superhero again.
BRYAN SINGER: Erm
***
JOHN WILLIAMS: Theme!
FIRST TWO MOVIES: Happen!
BRYAN SINGER: Yes!
AUDIENCE: This seems very familiar somehow
***
FIVE YEARS: We have passed
***
AUDIENCE: Wow, Kevin Spacey. Finally, a Lex who isnt campy and saddled with
KITTY: Hi!
AUDIENCE: Idiotic sidekicks.
KITTY: Lex, you did it! You swindled an old lady out of her millions and became a free man, thus becoming coincidentally closer to your Post-Crisis incarnation.
LEX: Theres only one thing left to do now.
KITTY: Kill Superman?
LEX: No RAP!
Now this is the story all about how,
My life got flipped, turned upside down,
And I'd like to take a minute, dont go take a piss
I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Metropolis.
***
MARTHA KENT: Ahhh, life sure is quiet here in this small town wait a minute, everythings shaking and rattling! It could only mean GRABOIDS!
CLARK: Hey mom.
MARTHA: Clark! I knew it!
CLARK: Just stopped by on my way to Metropolis oh, Ive got some laundry for you to do, if youre up for it. Hey, you gonna finish that chicken?
***
POINTLESS FLASHBACK: Happen!
YOUNG CLARK KENT: Im young!
CLARK: Wow, that was pointless.
DOG: Play fetch! Play fetch!
CLARK: Haha, silly dog. If you want my affection, you have to retrieve this baseball from somewhere in Alabama.
***
Meanwhile, somewhere in Alabama
NEWSCASTER: Sixty people were killed today as a baseball traveling at supersonic speeds hit a small plane full of refugees, causing it to crash into an orphanage for sick children. Some believe this was foretold by Nostradamus. Because theyre dumbasses.
***
KITTY: So, Lex, why are you so evil?
LEX: Blah blah blah Prometheus blah blah hate Superman blah blah greedy.
KITTY: Everyone got that?
LEX: Man, Im glad I invested in a hot babe to bounce exposition off of.
MAGNETO: Thats always
MYSTIQUE: A good investment.
KUMAR: Mr. Luthor, weve reached our destination.
LEX: Excellent. Once we have some of those little White Castle burgers, well go to Supermans Fortress of Solitude and steal his technology.
KUMAR: Which I guess doesnt include a lock.
LEX: Actually, it does.
***
FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE: Dont tell me what I cant do! This is my destiny!
***
CLARK: Well, back at the Daily Planet. Time to check in with the clichéd wacky supporting cast.
JIMMY: Hey Clark.
CLARK: Hey Jimmy.
PERRY: Hi Clark.
CLARK: Hi Perry.
NEWMAN: Hello Clark.
CLARK :Hello Newman. So, Jimmy, I notice youre not gay.
JIMMY: Yeah. Dodged a bullet on that one. I mean, gay director and the fact that the last live-action Superman was Smallville? Thought I was a goner.
CLARK: I thought we agreed not to talk about Smallville.
JIMMY: Why?
***
KITTY: You act like youve been in this Fortress of Solitude before.
LEX:
SMALLVILLE WATCHERS: *go off to write thousands of pieces of badfic about the Fortress of Solitude being Clark and Lexs secret love nest*
LEX: Thats odd. Its as if theres some other attractive man for slashers to smush together with the hero.
***
CLARK: Ahh, everything is just the way I left it.
JASON: I love my mom, who is Lois Lane.
CLARK: Yup, just the way I left it.
RICHARD: Herro, Im Richard White. While you were gone, I, a relative of your boss whos a newspaper editor, took up with your woman.
CLARK: Just like in Spider-Man 2?
RICHARD: No, no, no, its completely different. There, the other man was J. Jonah Jamesons son. Im Perry Whites nephew.
CLARK: Yes, youre right. That is totally different.
RICHARD: Yes.
CLARK:
RICHARD:
CLARK: Were getting sued, arent we?
RICHARD: Bigtime. Oh, by the way, I had a child with Lois.
CLARK: Bastard.
RICHARD: Hey, just because he was born out of wedlock is not reason to call Jason names!
CLARK: I wasnt talking to him.
***
CLARK: Well, Ill drown my sorrows by having a beer or two.
AUDIENCE: Boo!
CLARK: Hey, whats the big deal?
AUDIENCE: Youre supposed to fight for Truth, Justice, and the American Way; not Truth, Justice, and the Irish Way!
***
LEX: Right, now Im going to test how these Kryptonian crystals work by experimenting on a miniature train set. Since apparently tell me everything didnt tell me anything.
KUMAR: Hey boss, isnt it convenient how Lois Lane doesnt get into a life-threatening situation and you dont get out of prison until Superman Returns?
KITTY: Hey, he said the name of the cartoon!
LEX: Sigh.
***
PLANE: Not even God himself could sink this ship errr, crash this plane.
GOD: Wanna bet?
And the space plane thing went off without a hitch.
JOHN BRYNE: REBOOT!
PLANE: OH GOD, WERE ALL GONNA DIE!
***
SUPERMAN: Returns.
***
AUDIENCE: So, wait, that whole thing was just a bigger and badder version of Superman showing up for the first time in the Donner movie?
BRYAN SINGER: Aint it cool?
AUDIENCE: *starts to see a pattern*
***
PERRY: Alright, Ive only got five minutes in this movie, but Im going to make them good. Travel, where did he go? Did he take a vacation? Fashion! Is that a new suit? Why does it suck so much? Health
LOIS: Perry, the blogosphere scooped us again.
PERRY: ****.
***
LOIS: Why didnt you I mean Superman say goodbye?
CLARK: Well, God, Lois, its not like we I mean, you and Superman were dating.
LOIS: But you I mean, Superman were definitely sending signals.
CLARK: Yeah, then I had sex with you. Youre sushi, babe. Cold fish.
LOIS: Umm, you mean, Superman had sex with me, right?
CLARK: I guess if Id had that much wine, itd be hard for me to remember that Christmas party five years ago either.
***
SUPERMAN: Now to super-stalk Lois Lane before sending her some super-threatening e-mails and snapping some super-shots of her in the shower for me to super-jerk-off to.
RICHARD: Lois, were you in love with Superman?
LOIS: Well, duh.
***
THIEVES: Say, why did we decide to assemble a huge gyroscoping chaingun rather than just make our get away?
SUPERMAN: So that the bullets can look pretty cool ricocheting off my chest, although conveniently they dont hit anyone.
BATMAN: Its alright. Even if they did, theyre rubber bullets.
SUPERMAN: Promise?
THIEF: Right, well, Im gonna fire a bullet into your eyeball now.
SUPERMAN: Who taught you how to shoot, Dario Argento?
***
LEX: Right, now to steal the thing in the whole world that can kill Superman. Luckily, its still as unprotected as the first time I stole it.
***
JIMMY: Look at these pictures I took.
LOIS: Its a bird.
PERRY: Its a plane.
JIMMY: No, look, its
CLARK: An overly cutesy joke routine?
LOIS: I wanna investigate the blackouts!
PERRY: Clark, good. You cover the story that you have no interest in and Lois, you also cover the story you have no interest in.
CLARK: Ummm
LOIS: Shouldnt we be, like, working together and having unresolved sexual tension?
PERRY: Now, kids, you know that if this were Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman, Id be much cooler, for one thing.
CLARK: You are cool, Frank. You played Skeletor.
PERRY: Awww, thanks Brandon. That means a lot coming from the guy who used to play uhhh
LOIS: Well, dont look at me. I was in the movie that defined our generation Blue Crush.
***
RICHARD: You ever notice that if Clark were to take off his glasses, comb his hair, and stand up straight he would be a dead ringer for Superman?
LOIS: Now that I think of it, youre right!
RICHARD: Then it can only mean one thing.
LOIS: Weve got to enter him into the Halloween costume contest!
***
LOIS: Time to get my smoke on.
SUPERMAN: Im sorry, Lois, but tobacco is whacko if youre a teen.
LOIS: Im not a teenager!
SUPERMAN: Sure youre not. Hey, remember the scene in the original movie where we flew together? Wanna do that again?
LOIS: Well, the movies only two and a half hours long, weve obviously got to put some padding in.
SUPERMAN: Right, interview me.
LOIS: Question, did you know that youre a total ******* to leave Earth, and by extension me, in the lurch like that?
SUPERMAN: Question, did I mention youre a total ***** for saying the world was better off without me?
LOIS: Ah, you answered a question with a question!
SUPERMAN: Damn, shes good.
***
LOIS: Im in a moral quandary about whether or not the world needs Superman.
PERRY: Dont worry, since no one has really argued for either position so much as made references to arguing, we can just consider the plot thread dropped.
LOIS: Just like whether I remember having sex with Superman?
PERRY: Just like.
LOIS: Oh, and I figured out where the black-outs are coming from. You think its a good idea to bring my five-year-old son to the epicenter of an inexplicable catastrophe?
PERRY: No, thats a phenomenally stupid idea.
LOIS: Right, thanks chief.
***
SUPERMAN: Alright, back to the Fortress of Solitude. WHAT THE!? My crystals! My porn stash was on there! oh well, better take the time to check my answering machine.
FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE: You have 4,829,413,101 messages. Message one.
LOIS: Superman, help me! Superman!
FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE: Message two.
LOIS: Help, Superman!
FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE: Message three.
BATMAN: Heeeey, Clark. Jeph Loebs writing us again, so if you wanna stop over sometime, maybe bring some lube
***
LOIS: Hmm classical music. Only villains listen to classical music in movies, so the bad guy must be in that yacht.
JASON: Mommy, are we trespassing?
LOIS: Kid, if you dont shut up, my belt is going to be trespassing on your ass.
***
LOIS: OMFG, wigs! Only Lex Luthor owns wigs! We must be onboard his yacht!
LEX: No, Lois, this is a dingy. Youre on my dingy.
LOIS: GAK!
LEX: Wow, Ive never seen someone choke on the amount of vulgar jokes all fighting to get out of her mouth at once.
JASON: Youre bald.
LEX: Kid, do you know how to Pay It Forward?
***
RICHARD: We need to hack into Lois computer to find out where she went. Help me guess her password.
CLARK: Richard.
RICHARD: No.
CLARK: Superman.
RICHARD: No.
JIMMY: Try Jimmy.
CLARK & RICHARD:
JIMMY: Told you I wasnt gay.
***
LEX: Right, time to explain my plan to you. Step 1, use crystal to create new landmass, killing billions. Step 2 Step 3, profit!
LOIS:
LEX: Youre not seeing the big picture!
***
SUPERMAN: Ive got to save wait, we left out a thing.
***
LEX: Cmon, let me hear you say it, just once.
LOIS: Youre insane.
LEX: No! No, not that, the other thing.
LOIS: Gene Hackman was a better
LEX: WRONG!
***
JASON: *plays piano*
BRUTUS: *also plays piano*
THIS SCENE: *totally random, yet awesome*
***
LEX: Right, now to enact my evil scheme. Anyone want to have a moral reawakening and try to stop me?
HENCHMEN: No, were good.
LEX: Are you sure? Because there wont be time later.
HENCHMEN: Were sure.
LEX: Good. Alright, lets light this ***** up.
***
WATER: Hi there.
CRYSTAL: Hello.
WATER: Wanna totally ignore the Law of Conservation of Mass together?
CRYSTAL: WOULD I!?
***
LOTS OF STUFF: *falls*
SUPERMAN: *catches*
CIVILIANS: *saved*
PERRY: Great Caesars ghost!
COMICS FANS *pleased*
***
BRUTUS: So, trying to send a fax?
LOIS: Well, I was also going to try and make a phone call.
BRUTUS: Just the fax, maam. Now then, I KEEL YOU!
JASON: Wait, how do you get to Carnegie Hall?
BRUTUS: I dont know, how?
PIANO: SMASH!
JASON: In a body bag.
AUDIENCE: Wow, a five-year-old just killed a guy. Movie, you wanna spend some time on that?
MOVIE: No.
***
LEX: Okay, anyone wanna use this yacht before we toss it? No? Okay, its a death trap. We outie.
***
RICHARD: I SAVE YOU!
JASON: Wait a minute. I know you. Youre Cyclops, the leader of the X-Men!
RICHARD: I'm sorry son, but you must have me confused with someone else. My name is Richard White. I'm your father.
JASON: You are Cyclops. I've seen you in the movies. My dad's bought tickets.
RICHARD: I think you should get to the plane now, Jason. Right Lois?
LOIS: Nahhhhhh, he's not bothering anyone, let him stay here.
RICHARD: But just remember, my name is RICHARD WHITE. I'm Perrys nephew and Lois new man.
JASON: I think you're the greatest, but my dad says youre the boringest character in the movies. And he says that lots of times, it doesnt even matter if youre there. And that you don't really try to act... except during the climax.
RICHARD: The hell I don't! LISTEN KID. I've been hearing that crap ever since the first movie. I'm out there busting my buns every movie. Tell your old man to be Wolverines straight man for two and a half hours.
***
SLASHER 1: Obviously, the Krypton landmass penetrating into the white yacht is a metaphor.
SLASHER 2: Yeah for what?
SLASHER 1: I dont know.
SLASHER 2: I guess sometimes a Krypton landmass really is just a Krypton landmass.
***
SUPERMAN: Looks like I got here just in time to make the SAVE!
RICHARD: Well, this couldnt be more awkward
LOIS: Whisper whisper
RICHARD: WHAT!? Then who is the father?
LOIS: Whisper whisper
RICHARD: well, I was wrong about the awkward part.
***
SUPERMAN: Man, this island looks familiar
LEX: SEE ANYTHING FAMILIAR?
SUPERMAN: What did I just say?
LEX: Well, Im going to make a bunch of veiled insults involving you being inhuman, so add racism to revenge and profit as far as my motivations go.
SUPERMAN: So, you hate all aliens, eh?
LEX: Except for the ones from K-Pax.
SUPERMAN: Well, time to whoa, I didnt notice all this Kryptonite radiation killing me until just now.
LEX: Alright, gang, time to take the advice of Michael Jackson and beat it.
KITTY: Isnt that song about *********ion?
LEX: No, its about bloody gang warfare! God!
KUMAR: Still, boss, your syntax is kinda strained. Technically, you should say beat him.
LEX: Just start hitting him or there wont be time to nail him to the cross.
KUMAR: *tries to drown the guy who can breathe in space*
SUPERMAN: Forgive them, Jor-El, they know not what they do!
LEX: Now fly.
SUPERMAN: Fry?
LEX: Fly.
SUPERMAN: It sounded like fry.
LEX: No, I meant to say fly. Otherwise, I would have said Now, fry.
FRY: I just came to tell you Zoidberg is great. He's got male jelly coming out the wazoo.
LEX: Well, that IS where it comes out. Speaking of coming out
SMALLVILLE FANS: Yeeeeeesssssss?
LEX: You might have a hard time getting this Kryptonite shiv to come out after I stab you in the gut with it.
SMALLVILLE FANS: (disappointed) Oh.
***
LOIS: We have to go back!
RICHARD: To save Superman?
LOIS: No, to ask if those crystals have a cure for Krypmydia.
***
SUPERMAN: You you saved me.
RICHARD: You know, Im going to tell Batman you got saved by a girl.
SUPERMAN: Shut up.
***
SUPERMAN: Just keep pushing, just keep pushing
LEX: Wow, Superman indirectly caused the death of my henchmen. Wanna talk about that, movie?
MOVIE: Nope.
***
KITTY: Sorry Lex, but I had to get rid of the crystals.
LEX: MISS TESCHMACHER!
KITTY: Wrong movie.
LEX: Damn!
***
It is important to note that suddenly, and against all probability, Superman conked out several miles above the surface of an alien (to him) planet. Since this isn't a naturally tenable position for a Superman, this innocent creature had very little time to come to terms with its identity. This is what it thought, as it fell.
SUPERMAN: Ahhh! Woooh! What's happening? Who am I? Why am I here? What's my purpose in life? What do I mean by who am I? Okay okay calm down calm down get a grip now. Ooh, this is an interesting sensation. What is it? Its a sort of tingling in my... well I suppose I better start finding names for things. Lets call it a... arm! Yeah! Arm! And hey, whats this roaring sound, whooshing past what I'm suddenly gonna call my head? Wind! Is that a good name? It'll do. Yeah, this is really exciting. I'm dizzy with anticipation! Or is it the wind? There's an awful lot of that now isn't it? And whats this thing coming toward me very fast? So big and flat and round, it needs a big wide sounding name like 'Ow', 'Ownge', 'Round', 'Ground'! Thats it! Ground! Ha! I wonder if it'll be friends with me? Hello Ground!
Curiously the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias, as it fell, was, Oh no, not again.
***
PERRY: Richard, Ive prepared a variety of newspaper front pages to cover any possible situation!
RICHARD: Superman Lives? Superman Dies?
PERRY: Theres more on the other side.
RICHARD: Superman Lives and hes gay?
PERRY: Well, you never know.
***
RICHARD: Alright Lois, you go in and talk to Superman.
LOIS: Right.
JASON: Well, there she goes.
RICHARD: I lose most women that way.
JASON: How do you lose the rest?
RICHARD: Jason, have you ever heard of the Phoenix Force?
***
LOIS: Superman, I dont know if you can hear me but Jason is your son. So Im going to be expecting five years worth of child support back payments. And as long as Im here *dips Supermans hand in cup of warm water.*
***
KITTY: Lex, stop throwing away those coconuts. We only have six.
LEX: Six? SIX? I would trade three hundred THOUSAND coconuts and every OUNCE of your blood for a single QUART of GASOLINE!
KITTY: Three hundred thousand coconuts? That would be a lovely bunch of coconuts, deedly deedly, there they are all standing in a row bum bum bum big ones, small ones, some as big as your head!
LEX: forget the dog, Im eating you.
***
SUPERMAN: Time to sneak into this guys room at night and watch him sleep.
SLASHERS: YES!
SUPERMAN: Hey, hes my son!
WINCEST FANS: Your point being?
SUPERMAN: Right, time for the thematic similarity. Ahem Dont tell Harry.
***
LOIS: Will we see you around?
SUPERMAN: Im always around. Especially when youre on the toilet.
LOIS: Wait, whut?
SUPERMAN: Up, up, and lets go get em!
***
SUPERMAN: Y'know, I can't help but think I forgot something...
LOIS: Work at the Peach Pit, Richard White. Work at the Peach Pit like Brandon Walsh!
SUPERMAN: Wow, deja voodoo.
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