Civil war parodies (humor)

[Willowhugger]

I thought I'd share some of these, I posted two above but here's all of the ones I've done.

Civil War opener

Civil War Parody

Speedball: Okay, we've fought the Sphinx and Galactus at various points in our career. The guy whom couldn't beat ANYBODY except by being toxic by his meer presence shouldn't be a problem.

Namorita: But what if he blows up an entire city?

Speedball: DAMNIT WOMAN, don't you think if he could do that he would have already done it and killed all of Marvel's heroes?

*KABLOOM*

Speedball: Well don't I have egg on my face.

***

Tony Stark: OH MY GOD! THINK OF THE CHILDREN! THIS IS THE WORST DISASTER OF ALL TIME!

Captain America: Except for when Kang conquered all of the planet and burned the skies from orbit.

Tony Stark: Except for that.

Captain America: Remember Genosha? 13 million dead.

Tony Stark: They were mutants, doesn't count.

Captain America: Remember when Ultron killed Yugoslavia's stand in?

Tony Stark: I'm missing your point.

Captain America: Hey, how about the cities in Russia Magneto destroyed.

Tony Stark: This is AMERICA man!

Captain America:There's been like a dozen small towns destroyed in comics in just this decade alone.

Tony Stark: It's near New York.

Captain America: Speaking of New York. Magneto rampage...5000 dead. Hulk, killed an entire city now. Thor also took over the planet.

Tony Stark: This was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Captain America: That was one honking strong camel.

***

Tony Stark: Okay, basically, we need to become accountable to the government.

Captain America: The one we're investigating for working with HYDRA?

Tony Stark: Let's put a pin in that right now.

Captain America: Dokay.

Tony Stark: I'm sure they won't abuse this power.

X-factor: Like make us work with Sabertooth and Mystique.

Professor X: Or build monster robots to hunt us down like animals.

Tony Stark: I believe in this nation.

Red Skull: You know, I had your job before you did. I kept it longer.

Tony Stark: Listen poindexter, I will BEAT your asses if you don't work with registration.

Director Hill: Hey! Captain, will you work with us?

Captain America: I don't like it but I...

Director Hill: Oh yes and please make it a point to hunt down your fellow superheroes instead of supervillains if they don't do this.

Captain America: I don't think that's a good...

Director Hill: OR I WILL KILL YOU.

Captain America: Ah Screw this.

Director Hill: Weird, I was using my nice voice.

***

Tony Stark: Peter, don't worry about giving away your secret identity.

Spiderman: Because you'll stand with me to fight off Supervillains and help defend me against legal costs right?

Tony Stark: Oh hell no. I'm too busy looking posh.

Mr. Fantastic: You know what I love? McCarthyism.

Director Hill: Oh by the way, Mr. F can we use you to build a super prison for superheroes?

Spiderman: Why aren't people paying for something like this for...I dunno.....Apocalypse?

Director Hill: Because apparently we hate our heroes more than we hate terrorists.

***

Speedball: I DID NOTHING WRONG! ATTICA! ATTICA!

Lawyer: Umm...you realize you're involved in 600 cases of manslaughter.

Speedball: But that's not possible.

Lawyer: I mean, seriously dude, you're guilty as hell. You attacked a supervillain who EXPLODES in the middle of a residential district. We're offering you a way out.

Speedball: I will be exonerated.

Lawyer: Dumbass.

***

Captain America: Yes, we're going to go underground and fight the MAN!

Falcon: Word up homey.

Batman: Okay, jackass, you don't get to steal my Dark Knight Returns stickhe.

Captain America: Yes, Americans need to know that authority should rest within the hands of an elite few guided solely by their consciences with no one to answer to but each other. I am that man!

Red Skull: You know, Captain, you're suddenly starting to make sense to me.

Captain America: And we have Nick Fury's help for this!

Nick Fury: It's the least I can do. You know, I already have everyone's secret identity on file. The whole registration thing makes no sense.

Captain America: Funny that.
________

 

[Willowhugger]

Civil War Fantastic Four

Sue Storm: OH I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU REED! HOW COULD YOU!?

Mister Fantastic: I swear, me and She-Hulk had sex only five times!

Sue Storm: What?

Mister Fantastic: Oh you mean betraying everyone by supporting Registration.

Sue Storm: Yes!

Mister Fantastic: Well Sue, there's only one way to justify this in light of the fact I went against the U.N. and USA to overthrow Doom plus attempted to fight GOD for the soul of Ben Grim.

Sue Storm: What's that?

Mister Fantastic: The CHART.

Sue Storm: The...Chart?

Mister Fantastic: Yes, the chart that ONLY I can understand and your pitiful intellect can be ignored by but which justifies EVERYTHING.

Sue Storm: Dick.

Mister Fantastic: There's also the fact you seemed to be ignoring the reason Jonny is hospitalized is because people HATE us now.

Sue Storm: Oh Reed, when will you realize I don't give a damn about my family?

 

[Willowhugger]

X-men Civil War

Wolverine: Okay, my plan is to...

Emma Frost: WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?

Cyclops: I'm with America.

Emma Frost: I'm with Iron man.

Wolverine: Well rather than WASTING my time attempting to hunt down fellow superheroes or getting into needless brawls. I'm going to go find Nitro and bring him back for trial. This should result in people ceasing to be hysterical about the whole damn thing and actually improve Mutant-Human Relations.

Emma Frost:...

Cyclops: ...

Wolverine: Well glad to...

Emma Frost: IRON MAN!

Cyclops: CAPTAIN AMERICA!

 

[Willowhugger]

Civil War: Captain America

Captain America: Well Spiderman has joined THE OTHER SIDE.

Falcon: Sell out! He's only doing it because of the money.

Captain America: And I don't defend my friend's name because I'm FIGHTING THE WAR.

Falcon: We need some REAL honest heroes! People unconcerned with fame, wealth, or position!

Captain America: Quicksilver? He's a natural rebel.

Falcon: No.

Captain America: Moon Knight. He lives in the streets.

Falcon: Forget him.

Captain America: Daredevil? Cloak and Dagger? The Punisher?

Falcon: ANT MAN!

Captain America:.....yes, OF COURSE! HANK PYM HAS NEVER SHOWN AN EXAGGERATED SELF OPINION!

Hank Pym: HEY! I'm geering up to become a copy of my Ultimates self!

Captain America:.....suit up. I'm going to bring you into my crazy ill-defined war of aggression where you'll eat rats and live under an assumed name.

Hank Pym: Wow, I'm honored. But...no.

Captain America:.....ah crap, stormtroopers.

Hank Pym: He got away Furher Hill.

Director Hill: BLAST! Why can't my troopers who can't hit the broad side of a barn defeat the world's greatest soldier!?

 

[Willowhugger]

Spiderman: Civil War

Spiderman: Okay, basically Tony you want me to support you in superhero registration.

Tony Stark: It's not like they're asking us to eat babies here Spidey....thats' next month.

Spiderman: Well, I could go underground and abandon my family. I mean that's better than anyone knowing that Spiderman's family is living in Avengers tower.

Pizza Guy: Hey, pepperoni and sausage for the family of Peter Parker!

Tony Stark: It's okay, people think that Mary Jane is my mistress and Jarvis is dating Aunt May.

Spiderman: I hate you.

Tony Stark: But okay, I'm going to publically reveal my identity tomorrow.

Spiderman: I'll seek comfort from a hot Latina Reporter who wants me.

Tony Stark: Score Peter!

Spiderman: NOT SEX!

Tony Stark: Oh. Pity.

Spiderman: Well to support you, I may have to reveal my identity....

*Freedom isn't Free starts to play from 'Team America World Police'*

Tony Stark: Actually, we don't HAVE to reveal our identities.

Spiderman: Quiet! I'm having a montage!

Mary Jane: Go ahead and reveal your identity. I won't be ashamed of whom I'm married to anymore!

Aunt may: Go ahead Peter, Judges and Senators don't have to fear for their lives.

Spiderman: Well actually its more like FBI undercover agents whom frankly DO have to spend the rest of their lives in hiding....

Aunt may: DO IT PARKER!

Spiderman: Okayyyyyy! I'm Peter Parker everyone!

Press: Who?

JJ Jameson: I think I just threw up a little bit in the back of my mouth.

Ben Urich: Wow, I'd be totally blown away if not for the fact that this was amazingly obvious.

Villains: MUHAHAHA! AT LAST WE WILL HAVE OUR REVENGE!

Eddie Brock: I know Peter Parker's true identity now!....wait, I already did and I don't go after families anyway.

Green Goblin: Well I've already ruined Peter Parker's life repeatedly.

Kingpin: You'd think I'd have learned my lesson after what happened with Daredevil. You know, where I went after his civilian friends and then he DESTROYED MY LIFE.

Doctor Octopus: HAHAHA! I can now threaten Aunt May and Mary Jane! Like I did before even when I didn't know they were related to him!

 

[Willowhugger]

Captain America vs. Shield agents



Captain America: You gawddamned evil pinko commie Shield Agents! You snuck up on me while I was making art!

Shield Agent: There's like 30 of us. We couldn't have made more noise if a bomb went off.

Captain America: Well you won't take Captain America alive!

Dum Dum Duggan: Uhh...actually. None of us really want to be known as the people who arrested Captain America. So I'm just going to let you hit me so you can get away.

Captain America: Huh?

Shield Agent: I'm blind.

Shield Agent 2: Wow, your gear blends in so well with the interior. I can't see you.

Captain America: I don't get it.

Dum Dum Duggan: Go you moron!

 

[Willowhugger]

Patriot: I'm being chased by unmarked helicopters, being SHOT, and running from rooftop to rooftop.....yes, my life has become an episode of the X-files.

Pilot: Damn, Chain Gun doesn't kill him. Well, its not like we're not trying to HELP him.

Patriot: Oh damn, caught.

SHIELD Agent: We're busting you guys loose! Cast a spell Asgardian!

Wiccan: You mean like I could have at any time?

Shield Agent: DO IT MAN!

Captain America: Hey kids! I wouldn't let you fight against street hoodlums and supercriminals but I'm recruiting you in a war against your government!

Patriot: Sweet. So what do we have to do?

Captain America: Well you, unlike everyone else, have parents and families so you have to ABANDON THOSE and live under different identities while Nick Fury helps me plan my resistance.

Patriot: Captain are you having WW2 flashbacks again?

Captain America: BUCKKKYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Giant Girl: Ummm...you know, maybe we should just register. I mean, you know, we don't want our parents thinking we're kidnapped or anything...which we technically have been.

Captain America: Don't worry kids, I'm sure your parents will see you every day being hunted down like animals. If I had a heart I'd just encourage you to stay out of trouble rather than drag you off to a hopeless life of the outlaw. However, I don't so YOU TAKE THAT GAWDDAMNED HILL SOLDIER!

Young Avengers: YAY!

You know, weirdly, I'm losing respect for the Captain's position in Civil War because of these parodies.

 

[Willowhugger]

Thunderbolts

Henry Peter Gyrich: Now the superhero registration act allows us some new opportunities to....

Random General Dude: Hold up, we're employing the Thunderbolts?

Henry Peter Gyrich: Well we've been mean to them before but they're honestly reformed now and...

Random General Dude: They're lead by Baron ZEMO again!

Henry Peter Gyrich: Well you see, I acknowledge that's dangerous but...

Random General Dude: A gawd damned NAZI!?

Henry Peter Gyrich: He only wants to HELP the world by taking it over.

Cobra Commander: The fact I was based off of this man is insultingly sad.

Random General Dude: We're also helping him RECRUIT new people into the Masters of Evil.

Henry Peter Gyrich: Thunderbolts.

Random General Dude: It's the MASTERS OF EVIL IF BARON ZEMO IS LEADING IT!

Elsewhere

Baron Zemo: La la la, hand me the screwdriver Reed would you?

Reed Richards: I am blissfully working with one of the most evil men in the world at my side. Here you go.

Baron Zemo: Hey Hank Pym old buddy old pal!

Hank Pym: I need to sterialize my skin simply by being in the same room with you. Oh God, I'm breathing in air you've breathed out.

Baron Zemo: Now Hank! Come on! I may be a white supremecist and the second worst man on the planet after the Red Skull barring inclusion of say...Apocalypse...but that doesn't mean we can't be friends.

Reed Richards: I feel such joy that we can all hold hands and sing kumbaya.

Hank Pym: I need to throw up.

Baron Zemo:Hey! You don't get to look down on me! You hired the Thunderbolts to beat up the New Avengers.

Hank Pym: ....which is equivalent to being a Nazi Terrorist for 2 decades HOW!?

Baron Zemo: Hey! If the government says I'm a goodguy then it must be true!

Elsewhere

Swordsman: This is a chance for redemption and self help guys!

Serpent Society: You're the son of a Nazi....and European.

Swordsman: The chance to MAKE something of ourselves.

Serpent Society: You're the son of a Nazi....AND EUROPEAN.

Whiplash and Backlash: Hey, want to have some S&M sex?

*I'm serious on the last one*

Baron Zemo: Hold up guys, time out.

Doctor Octopus: Okay, there's like a thousand supervillains here. What do you want to do?

Baron Zemo: To achieve redemption!

*crickets chirp*

Baron Zemo: AND GET THOSE MEDDLING KIDS!

All: YAY!

Baron Zemo: I'm PLOTTING SOMETHING! Who could have POSSIBLY seen that coming!

In an alley

Baron Zemo: Captain America! I've decided to help you!

Captain America: In the most ergrevious character assassination in this comic series already...which SAYS SOMETHING...I'm not immediately beating the crap out of one of my most hated enemies but seriously listening to his offer.

Baron Zemo: Yay! Free Avengers from Prison! Not going to betray you at all!

 

[Willowhugger]

Speedball: Oh She-Hulk! At last you've found me!

She-Hulk: Well I'll do my best to get you out of here.

Speedball: Good because despite that I was attempting to engage a man who explodes, I refuse to A: Obey a newly formed Federal Law and B: acknowledge anything was wrong.

She-Hulk: Uh...huh.

Speedball: Furthermore, I should SUE their ass.

She-hulk: You realize that you're not OJ Simpson right.

Speedball: I COULD BE!

She-Hulk: Okay, well I've argued them down to criminal negligence which should get you timed served.

Speedball: I'd have to register right?

She-Hulk: FEDERAL LAW. You'd have to register anyway!

Speedball: Cold day in Hell biatch!

 

[Willowhugger]

A parody of Civil War 3

Captain America: Gentlemen, we've all decided to take secret identities and thus continue to fight crime with them.

Falcon: Nick Fury was crazy when he came up with this.

Clark Kent: I'm sure it'll work out perfectly.

Captain America: In any case, there's a disaster and its time to help advert it.

*Arrive at Stark Enterprises*

Captain America: ....ah crap.

Iron man: *Dark Helmet voice* FOOLED YOU.

Captain America: Okay, you've taken out our teleporters, surrounded us with Cape-Killers...which isn't REMOTELY threatening sounding. What do you want?

Iron man: Just to talk man, Honest.

Captain America: Uh huh.

Spiderman: I actually want to talk about this peacefully and....

Captain America: Gawd damned Sell out! Your wife is a big target now!

Spiderman: You know. I don't know what annoys me more. The fact that you think I wouldn't discuss it with her, the fact you think I DON'T KNOW THAT, the fact that you're throwing my familys PAIN AND SUFFERING into my face, or the fact that you're supposed to be the good guy in this.

Captain America: Err....

Iron Man: Captain America is a dick. In any case, I want to talk about this.

Captain America: *CHEAP SHOT*

Iron Man: You're going to pay for that one.

*BIG BRAWL*

Maria Hill: Okay, cue the music.

Thor: YO.

Hercules: Wow, even *I'M* wetting my pants.

 

[Kotagg]

Meh.

 

[The Cleric]

last ish...


tony: geez my suits about to explode...must evac.

BOOM!

tony: made it out on time, all i need to-

Steve: hello tony.

tony: CAP!

Steve: lets see how you do without your suit.

*tony swings five times and misses*

Steve: Never realize you fight like a pu$$y, tony. come on, land a punch!

*cap slaps tony across the cheek*

Steve: not so tuff without the suit.

*cap holds tony via pressure point and inflicts more devasting *****slaps across tonys face*

Steve: now you are crying? you always were nothing but a little cheap-shot biatch!

tony: Im sorry Steve!!!!

*one last right pimp slap and tony goes down.

 

[Tropico]

 

[Kotagg]

:

qft

 

[MyPokerShirt]

i like this thread. well done. have a cookie

 

[hippy fascist]

This guy's brilliant, give him a thread and he can keep himself ammused for hours just endlessly replying to himself

 

[Willowhugger]

This guy's brilliant, give him a thread and he can keep himself ammused for hours just endlessly replying to himself

Well, you COULD put them all in one gigantic e-mail.

....but that would be dumb.

 

[hippy fascist]

your special

 

[Darthphere]

Im waiting for the humor part.

 

[The Leaguer]

It's in the title. It says "humor." See it?

 

[Darthphere]

It never showed up after that, maybe its late.

 

[The Leaguer]

No... that's it. It was just a cameo.

 

[Willowhugger]

The idea of satire apparently is lost upon the masses. ;-)

 

[hippy fascist]

The idea of satire apparently is lost upon the masses. ;-)

The idea of smilies is clealry lost upon you

 

[The Leaguer]

The idea of punctuation is clearly lost upon you.