Divorcing Parents (Issues)

[Grillz]

So, I was woken up to the wonderful news that my dad was divorcing my mom after damn near 40 years, and it led too my dad more or less telling me I was never his favorite, and that my love was "hollow" because I was not balling my eyes out like he wanted me too. So, with daddy issues right now, I'm a wreak. So here's how we're gonna do this: You guys and gals can talk about the issue of parents divorcing and the effects on the children etc.

Spoiler

Seriously though, I need a hug

 

[GENERAL RAAM582]

You're happy about the fact your parents are getting a divorce?

I can understand the whole not crying thing. I didn't cry when both of my grandfathers, my great-grandmother, and my grandmother died. No one questioned me about it, but I felt like a bad person.

 

[Grillz]

You're happy about the fact your parents are getting a divorce?

Sorry forgot to italicize the "wonderful", no I'm actually a wreak right now.

 

[random_havoc]

You're happy about the fact your parents are getting a divorce?

I can understand the whole not crying thing. I didn't cry when both of my grandfathers, my great-grandmother, and my grandmother died. No one questioned me about it, but I felt like a bad person.

Dude, the "wonderful" part was obviously sarcasm.
Grillz, as for what kind of effects this might have on you, to be specific we'd need gender and age, which are sketchy things to give out on this site lol

But seriously, some people are just born to bad people as their parents unfortunately. Don't blame yourself for their crappiness, and don't let their bad decisions define you. We can't control what other people do, but we can control our reactions to it.

 

[Grillz]

I'm 21, and male random_havoc. I can't help but feel "responsible" for some of it because he told me from his mouth that I have no feelings for him because I'm antisocial (great logic btw)

 

[random_havoc]

Also, watch this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBay1HrK8WU

 

[Boy Scout]

How on Earth did you read all that and come to the conclusion that he was happy about his parents getting a divorce?

 

[GENERAL RAAM582]

Sorry forgot to italicize the "wonderful", no I'm actually a wreak right now.

Oh, I apologize for making this worse.

 

[Grillz]

Oh, I apologize for making this worse.

Oh no, don't worry about it, things read differently when written down than read by the person who wrote it.

 

[random_havoc]

I'm 21, and male random_havoc. I can't help but feel "responsible" for some of it because he told me from his mouth that I have no feelings for him because I'm antisocial (great logic btw)

You're not responsible. Kids don't break up a marriage, the husband and wife break up a marriage. On top of that in stressful/volatile times like he's going through people are looking for someone to blame and say things that aren't true frequently. He'll be blaming everyone/everything but himself.

At least you're already in your twenties so that helps to minimize the effects (statistically) that this will have on your future (other than being bummed about it and it sucking obviously). There's a wide array of risk factors that little kids whose parents go through divorce are vulnerable to, almost none of which will apply to you at your age. It does (again, statistically) make it more likely that you will divorce in the future, but that all depends on how you view marriage in the future and how you commit yourself to it. If you see it as being for life (as I believe it should be) then when you are married you'll fight for it no matter what, and this statistic doesn't have to apply to you. In my experience marriages end most often because one or both parties simply gives up and figures life will be better separated. Frankly that kind of thing ticks me off, particularly because of the effects it has on the kids.

 

[NickSox]

Keep your head up man, it's not your fault. Relationships don't work out pretty often as divorce is becoming more common unfortunately. I'm sure your dad said what he did as he's not in a good place right now and sometimes it's the hardest to actually admit that it's your own fault it didn't work out. My parents got divorced when I was a senior in high school and I didn't cry either. I think without wanting to admit it, I saw it coming so it wasn't a huge shock to me. And another perspective on what random Havoc said, I got married two years ago and actually feel that because of my parents divorce I will be less likely to follow that path. I saw how that affected our family and have had many discussions with my wife before we got married about not putting our family through that. Seeing what happened to them made it easier for us to talk about things that are going on and working through them, rather than going the route that my parents did. Hope this can be of some help!

 

[NickNitro]

You're happy about the fact your parents are getting a divorce?

you understand sarcasm dont you?

I'm soo sorry to hear the news. I for one don't know what its like to live a life with divorced parents (although they've screamed about it ever since I was a child). You have to realize that if your father has the nerve to tell you that ******** to your face then he isn't worth your damn time. You are soo much better of a person than he ever could be.

Your goal in life now should be to grow into a great teen/adult (however old you are) and vow to never treat your children like that. Thats the best thing you can take out of this. Many kids turn into their parents because of this deep emotional scaring. You have to promise us Hypsters you'll be the opposite.

If you ever find that you and your wife/husband aren't getting along and divorce is the only option to save yourselves...that your kids know that no matter what happens between mom and dad you will ALWAYS love them.

You need to stay strong and realize that your father is just a person. Do not hold him in such high regard, realize that you can be a better person than him, and create a great strong life for yourself.

 

[random_havoc]

I don't know anything about you but it's possible this could also cause you depression for a while. I hope it doesn't, but if it does don't isolate yourself from people, that's the worst thing you could do. Also, don't hesitate to see a doctor about it if it gets bad.

(By the way, I'm a pastor and part of what we do is counselling people including those whose marriages are in trouble etc, if you're wondering why I'm talking so much on this subject).

Also, hopefully I'm not being pushy (and despite the risk of provoking those of different faiths on these boards possibly including yourself), I'd highly recommend trying going out to church. Okay, I'm a pastor so obviously I was going to recommend that. But aside from the spiritual good I believe it does there's also the supportive community aspect about church which does a world of good. A good church really can feel like a second family. And for a less biased view on it a recent university study (not by religious people) found that regular attendance of religious services significantly lowers risk of depression.
http://life.nationalpost.com/2013/0...rvices-lowers-risk-of-depression-study-finds/

I hope some of my rambling helps you Grillz

 

[Grillz]

Actually he told me to "shut up before I break your effing (not effing if you catch my drift) neck", I don't love him, etc., and now I'm just a bitter, broken young man. I doubt I will get married now, I don't want to be an abusive, sexist, racist, paranoid man like my father. In short, I think I'm done with everything but life.

 

[random_havoc]

Actually he told me to "shut up before I break your effing (not effing if you catch my drift) neck", I don't love him, etc., and now I'm just a bitter, broken young man. I doubt I will get married now, I don't want to be an abusive, sexist, racist, paranoid man like my father. In short, I think I'm done with everything but life.

Yeah that's depression (and understandably so). Just waited out. With time you'll look back and see that this wasn't about you and things will look a lot better.

 

[GENERAL RAAM582]

Actually he told me to "shut up before I break your effing (not effing if you catch my drift) neck", I don't love him, etc., and now I'm just a bitter, broken young man. I doubt I will get married now, I don't want to be an abusive, sexist, racist, paranoid man like my father. In short, I think I'm done with everything but life.

Don't be the man he is. Since you're old enough, distance yourself away from him as much as you can.

Do you have a good relationship with your mother?

 

[Grillz]

Yes, I do, but I'm just... I don't even know anymore.

 

[Warhammer]

My parents got divorced when I was 9. Luckily for me at the time, I couldn't exactly fathom the implications of divorce due to the fact that I was 9 and that since my father was military, he was always gone. But as I got older, I started to feel the effects of divorce in many ways. My mother was always working, so I only got to see her after 8 PM five days a week. My father lived 5 states away, so I really got to see him once every 2 years for a few weeks in the summer. I never had a consistent father figure (I had three temporary father figures at different stages growing up). It breaks my heart that my mother couldn't be there for me at home because she honestly wasn't able to, but she tried her best and did well.

Personally, I believe that the divorce made me a cold and disconnected person. It made me almost too complacent in many aspects. It made me bitter of my friends because they took having both parents in the household for granted. I actually suffer from dysthymia and am actually getting depressed as I'm writing this post. Of course, it's not all negative. The bond I have with my mother is powerful. The chip on my shoulder helps me get motivation to want to be successful later on in life. I vowed to myself that I'll do everything in my power to make sure my future child won't go through a divorce because he or she doesn't deserve to go through that.

...whew, that was a serious post.



One thing I can say is that since you are a grown ass man and can actually understand what divorce is, I can only imagine how you are handling that now.

 

[Schlosser85]

Don't let your dad convince you that you are what he says. He's just taking his own issues out on you. You are not him.

 

[Ultimatehero]

Actually he told me to "shut up before I break your effing (not effing if you catch my drift) neck", I don't love him, etc., and now I'm just a bitter, broken young man. I doubt I will get married now, I don't want to be an abusive, sexist, racist, paranoid man like my father. In short, I think I'm done with everything but life.

If there's one thing I've learned from being an adoptee that I think applies here it's that we are not our parents. You won't become your dad. You're you. And the problem was with him, not with you. As children we still want to blame ourselves for what happens, but logically that doesn't make sense. With adoptees there's an emotional and logical side, the emotional tells us we were abandoned because there was something wrong with us (I've felt defective more times than I wish to count), but logically also know they couldn't have given me away because they didn't know me. I'm guessing there's an emotional and logical side with dealing with this as well, the child and the adult trying to cope with it. Just know you are not your dad, you're you. And whenever the emotional side takes over, just question it and you'll see it falls on faulty logic and can't be backed up. That's what a psychologist taught me to do which works.

 

[Schlosser85]

I doubt I will get married now, I don't want to be an abusive, sexist, racist, paranoid man like my father. In short, I think I'm done with everything but life.

Then you're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Nothing says you're going to be abusive, sexist, racist, or paranoid except yourself.

Everything he said to you reveals who HE is, not who YOU are.

 

[Warhammer]

Don't let your dad convince you that you are what he says. He's just taking his own issues out on you. You are not him.

It's a classic case of projection. When people can't think logically, they pull that s*** in order to feel some kind of justification and to alleviate themselves.

 

[chaseter]

You are not your father. If your father is a dick then you and your family will be better off without him. This can be a new chapter in your life if you make it that way.

 

[KevanG]

My parents went through a divorce when I was around 6. It was not a happy time. My father was very bitter over everything for over 15 years and when I was around 13 I went to live with him for four years. It did not end well, he pretty much brainwashed me into believing my mother hated me, he did a number of things including locking me outside in the middle of winter for a few hours in my housecoat and I wound up in a foster home for a few months before my mother found out about it and I went back to live with her.

I blame most of my self esteem issues on my times living with him as nearly every night for most of the time I lived with him was a scream fest with him and my step mother telling me how useless I am. I rarely date, have very few friends and just prefer to be alone. My friends have to practically force me to go do things and even then it still takes me time to enjoy myself.

My best friend is going through a divorce and I've told both of them that they had better make it amicable or risk screwing up the kid. Of course she has decided that she is going to be a ***** and demand full custody when she isn't A) His birth mother and B) Never adopted him. They have shared custody now but when the next court date for custody rolls around she'll lose him because my friend is going to demand mandatory weekly drug tests for both of them. She is a very heavy smoker of both cigarettes and weed and drinks quite a lot on the weekend. Not exactly a fit environment for a kid.

 

[Warhammer]

I blame most of my self esteem issues on my times living with him as nearly every night for most of the time I lived with him was a scream fest with him and my step mother telling me how useless I am. I rarely date, have very few friends and just prefer to be alone. My friends have to practically force me to go do things and even then it still takes me time to enjoy myself.

I'm not trying to sound cool or be mopy, but I can relate to that. I'm very distant. Age just made me realize that. People think I just have a "type B" personality, but I know deep down that I'm not as laid back as I seem.