Batman Begins Five-Minute Batman Begins

[Zev]

"And that goes for you to!"

Thwipp!

Huh?

 

[ironmaidenrules]

stopped reading at the 2st morgan freeman line

not funny and rather boring

 

[Zev]

stopped reading at the 2st morgan freeman line

not funny and rather boring

First, it's "2nd" or second. Second (see?), there is no second Morgan Freeman line.

 

[Mauser9910]

"YOUNG BRUCE: That's all well and good, but what about the man in red and blue spandex and the other guy with tentacles fighting on that train?

BAT-DAD: Pah! Being able to clearly make out cool action... that's for beatniks!"

LOL, priceless !

Next episode ! NEXT EPISODE !!!

 

[P. Cushing]

Aaaah.... how I missed the Zev Fivers.

 

[Batman]

DUCARD: So, solitary confinement?

BRUCE: Yeah.

DUCARD: Sucks, doesn't it?

BRUCE: Yeah.

DUCARD: Wanna be a ninja?

BRUCE: DO I!?

DUCARD: Okay then, I want you to bring me a flower.

BRUCE: Look, man, I don't swing that way, I don't care what Wertham says...

up:

 

[Ocelot]

Damn dont you people have anything more to do with your time then rip lines outta other things and make scripts out of them? Funny but kinda sad seeing how much effort was put into something like this

 

[casketmouth]

YOUNG BRUCE: Hmm... I'm growing up in an idyllic setting...

EUROPEANS: Here we come to invade and enslave you all!

YOUNG BRUCE: Oh, I'm sorry. You're supposed to be in The New World.

EUROPEANS: Do we have to? It stars COLIN FARRELL.

YOUNG BRUCE: That's your problem. Anyway, where was I?

KATIE HOLMES: Is our existence not idyllic and serene? It's be a shame if this serenity were to be shattered by some traumatic act of violence.

YOUNG BRUCE: Yes, that would be... wait a minute, I'm growing up with Katie Holmes? Holy ****, I'm in Dawson's Creek!

PAULA COLE: I don't wanna wait... for our lives to be over, doo do doo do do doo...

***

BRUCE: Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh! Oh, wait... it was all just a dream. Just a horrible dream...

CHINESE MAN: Well... You're safe and sound now, back in good old Chinese prison camp.

BRUCE: CHINESE PRISON CAMP!!!

***

CHINESE MAN: Some thugs want to kill you.

BRUCE: Can't they kill me before breakfast?

CHINESE MAN: Hey, I worked hard making this stuff. You don't have to be so mean about it.

***

MORGAN FREEMAN: I wish I could tell you that Bruce fought the good fight, and the thugs let him be. I wish I could tell you that - but prison is no fairy-tale world. He never said who did it, but we all knew. Things went on like that for awhile - prison life consists of routine, and then more routine. Every so often, Bruce would show up with fresh bruises. The thugs kept at him - sometimes he was able to fight 'em off, sometimes not. And that's how it went for Bruce - that was his routine. I do believe those first two years were the worst for him, and I also believe that if things had gone on that way, this place would have got the best of him.

***

DUCARD: So, solitary confinement?

BRUCE: Yeah.

DUCARD: Sucks, doesn't it?

BRUCE: Yeah.

DUCARD: Wanna be a ninja?

BRUCE: DO I!?

DUCARD: Okay then, I want you to bring me a flower.

BRUCE: Look, man, I don't swing that way, I don't care what Wertham says...

***

BRUCE: Oh League of Assassins, I have brought you your flower.

DUCARD: It is a good flower. I especially like the stem... but there is one small problem.

BRUCE: What is that?

DUCARD: We are now... no longer the League of Assassins!

BRUCE: What? Why?

DUCARD: When you think about it, assassin is just the words ass and in. And we don't like things in our ass! Well, except for Larry.

LARRY: Hello sailor!

DUCARD: We are now the League of Shadows. Therefore, we must give you one more test.

BRUCE: Name it.

DUCARD: You must find... another flower!

[dramatic chord]

BRUCE: Not another flower!

DUCARD: Then, when you have found the flower, you must place it here beside this flower, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.

LEAGUE OF SHADOWS: A path! A path! A path!

DUCARD: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!

[dramatic chord]

***

GOYER: See what I'm doing here? I'm starting in media res and flashing back to Bruce's origins. Isn't that just the coolest...

AUDIENCE: You mean, like Burton did in the original Batman?

GOYER: ...Goddamnit.

***

BAT-DAD: What's that Katie?

KATIE: Ruff ruff!

BAT-DAD: Brucie fell down a well!?

***

BAT-DAD: Why do we fall, Bruce?

YOUNG BRUCE: So that we can learn how to pick ourselves up?

BAT-DAD: No. So that other people can point at us and laugh. But how do we recoup?

YOUNG BRUCE: By turning it into a breakdance?

BAT-DAD: My boy.

*

DUCARD: Bruce Wayne, meet Ra's Al Ghul.

BRUCE: Honor to meet you. It's not every day you meet an Al Ghul belonging to a Sun God.

RA'S AL GHUL: ...Goddamnit Wayne.

DUCARD: Tell us... what do you fear?

BRUCE: There are only two things I fear in this world... and one of them is bats... FLASHBACK! (makes Wayne's World noises)

DUCARD: Wait a minute, wait a minute, what's the other thing you fear?

BRUCE: Carnies.

DUCARD: What?

BRUCE: Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Small hands. And they smell like cabbage.

***

YOUNG BRUCE: Ahh! Ahhhhh! Trinity! No!

BAT-DAD: Bruce, what's wrong? Did you dream about bats again?

YOUNG BRUCE: Yeah...

BAT-DAD: Do you know why they attacked you?

YOUNG BRUCE: No.

BAT-DAD: Because you touch yourself at night. So knock it off. Well, g'night son, I'm gonna go get hammered.

***

BRUCE: On recent thought, nostalgia may have painted a brighter picture of my parents than strictly true. Flashback!

***

BAT-DAD: Hey, like the monorail? I built it!

YOUNG BRUCE: How'd you do that, dad?

BAT-DAD: Well, it happened like this... FLASHBACK!

***

BAT-DAD: Well, sir, there's nothing on earth
Like a genuine,
Bona fide,
Electrified,
Six-car
Monorail!
What'd I say?

NED FLANDERS: Monorail!

BAT-DAD: What's it called?

PATTY & SELMA: Monorail!

BAT-DAD: That's right! Monorail!

CROWD: (chanting) Monorail... monorail... monorail...

MISS HOOVER: I hear those things are awfully loud...

BAT-DAD: It glides as softly as a cloud.

APU: Is there a chance the track could bend?

BAT-DAD: Not on your life, my Hindu friend.

BARNEY: What about us brain-dead slobs?

BAT-DAD: You'll be given cushy jobs.

ABE: Were you sent here by the devil?

BAT-DAD: No, good sir, I'm on the level.

WIGGUM: The ring came off my pudding can.

BAT-DAD: Take my pen knife, my good man.
I swear it's Gotham's only choice...
Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

ALL: Monorail!

BAT-DAD: What's it called?

ALL: Monorail!

BAT-DAD: Once again...

ALL: Monorail!

MARGE: But East End's still all cracked and broken...

BART: Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!

ALL: Monorail!
Monorail!
Monorail!
[big finish]
Monorail!

HOMER: Mono... D'oh!

***

BAT-DAD: And that's how it happened!

YOUNG BRUCE: That's all well and good, but what about the man in red and blue spandex and the other guy with tentacles fighting on that train?

BAT-DAD: Pah! Being able to clearly make out cool action... that's for beatniks!

***

YOUNG BRUCE: Ahhhh! Ahhh!

BAT-DAD: What's wrong? Is this opera reminding you of the bats?

YOUNG BRUCE: No, it's by Andrew Lloyd Webber!

***

YOUNG BRUCE: So, we're going home?

BAT-DAD: Yes. There I'll sign the papers on your arranged marriage to Charisma Carpenter, fax those pictures of what really happened at the Kennedy assassination, and submit my foolproof plan on adapting Watchmen to the big screen. Hey, let's take a detour through that scenic dark alley.

JOE CHILL: Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

BAT-DAD: Awww, goddamnit...

JOE CHILL'S GUN: Bang! Bang!

BAT-DAD: I regret I have but one life to give for the underprivileged!

MARTHA: This hurts almost as much as being named Martha!

BAT-DAD: Bruce...

YOUNG BRUCE: Yes father?

BAT-DAD: Remember the theme of the film...

YOUNG BRUCE: Don't be afraid?

BAT-DAD: My boy... Rosebud!

***

YOUNG GORDON: Hey, son... wouldn't it be ironic if when we grew up, we fought crime together?

YOUNG BRUCE: Isn't this a little much? Establishing a connection this early in the movie is pointless and way too cute. What's next?

CLARK: Hi, I'm visiting from Smallville... fresh episodes every Wednesday on the WB. And don't miss Superman Returns, coming Summer 2006!

YOUNG BRUCE: Asshat.

***

NOT QUITE AS OLD ALFRED: It wasn't your fault, Bruce. It was the guy who shot them's fault.

YOUNG BRUCE: Wow, I never thought of it that way... Michael Caine! What are you doing in a summer blockbuster!?

NOT QUITE AS OLD ALFRED: What are you, kidding? Anything is a step-up from Jaws: The Revenge.

***

BRUCE: So now you're going to teach me to be a ninja, right?

DUCARD: Yes... there are three things you must know about ninjas.
1. Ninjas are mammals.
2. Ninjas fight ALL the time.
3. The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people.

BRUCE: So, now we spar?

DUCARD: Yeah, pretty much.

***

DUCARD: It was not your fault your parents died... it was Andrew Lloyd Webber's!

BRUCE: Ha!

SWORD: Ching!

DUCARD: Wooha!

BRUCE: Tag!

DUCARD: Careful! If your head comes away from your neck, it's over!

BRUCE: Ah-ha! Got you!

DUCARD: You haven't beaten me. You've sacrificed sure footing for a killing stroke.

ICE: Crash!

***

CLARENCE: Bruce Wayne broke through the ice and died at the age of twenty-five.

GEORGE BAILEY: That's a lie! Bruce Wayne went to war on crime - he saved the lives of every man in that city.

CLARENCE: Every man in that city died! Bruce wasn't there to save them, because you weren't there to save Bruce.

***

DUCARD: Rub your chest, your arms will take care of themselves.

BRUCE: Okay...

DUCARD: Good, now stroke your nipples. Not that hard, you're not punishing them, you're playing with them.

BRUCE: Okay, this is getting kinda creepy... I'm gonna have a flashback now.

DUCARD: Sure, sure... Now lick 'em a little... oh yeah... that's the stuff...

***

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: Stately Wayne manor... just the way I remember it...

ALFRED: ****, he's coming! Hide the keg! Bill, get that lampshade off your head! Hurry! Hurry!

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: Alfred... 'sup?

ALFRED: Nothing much. Have you come back for Joe Chill's parole hearing?

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: Oh, yeah, that too...

***

KATIE: Bruce, we all loved your parents. What Chill did is unforgivable...

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: Then why is your boss letting him go?

KATIE: Because in prison he shared a cell with Carmine Falcone. He learned things and he'll testify in exchange for early parole.

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: Everybody got that?

***

AUDIENCE: Hey! Joe is rehabilitated and remorseful... what an interesting twist! Will Bruce...

ASSASSIN: Dead men say what.

JOE CHILL: What?

ASSASSIN: Die!

AUDIENCE: Okay... that works too.

***

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: The man who killed my parents is dead... now I'll never get revenge!

KATIE: Don't worry, you can still shift the blame to someone else... like Carmine Falcone, who's responsible for all the crime in this city!

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: That's right, crime is society's fault. And in the end, that fault can always be traced to old, rich white men. (wink)

***

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: Carmine Falcone, I'm not afraid of you!

FALCONE: What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you'd come to me in friendship, then this scum that ruined your parents would be suffering this very day. And if by chance an honest man like yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you.

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: Where did that come from?

***

NOT-AS-YOUNG BRUCE: Hey! I, a very wealthy man, need to switch coats with you, a lowly street hustler.

BUM: Why are we trading places?

EDDIE MURPHY: Hey, this gives me an idea...

To be continued...

lol not...

 

[Valorman]

ah man i love the 5 minute things


you BETTER put the ride me like seabiscut thing in there

 

[Zev]

Continued!

DUCARD: You travelled the world, seeking to understand criminals.

BRUCE: Yeah, pretty much.

DUCARD: But criminals are not complicated. They are a superstituous, cowardly lot...

BRUCE: ...uh-huh...

DUCARD: See what I just...

BRUCE: I saw.

***

DUCARD: Ninjas use explosive powder.

BRUCE: As weapons?

DUCARD: Or distractions.

BRUCE: Pah. I've found better ways to distract people.

DUCARD: Oh yeah? Like what?

BRUCE: Hey! Look over there!

DUCARD: What? I don't see anything. What were you talking about? I don't understand? Bruce? Now where've you run off to? Great, now I'll never know how he distracts people!

***

DUCARD: Bruce, you have completed your training, learning how to use fear to your advantage, theatricality and deception as weapons, and how to hide in a cardboard box. But now it is time for the final test. Here, breathe deeply of this incense.

BRUCE: Okay.

Five minutes later...

RA'S AL GHUL: Ducard, why hasn't Bruce shown up for his final test yet?

DUCARD: Dude, I just got him high!

RA'S AL GHUL: Oh my God!

BRUCE: Bats! Bats! Get them off me, I have to fight the ninja!

DUCARD: Awesome! Totally awesome!

RA'S AL GHUL: He's on one bad trip!

BRUCE: Dude, where's my Batmobile?

***

DUCARD: Okay Bruce, one more test than you can join our club. All you have to do is execute this murderer.

BRUCE: What? I have to kill someone in cold blood! I didn't sign up for this!

DUCARD: Ummm, yes you did. It was in the small print.

BRUCE: Sorry, but I like having compassion! I will never kill under any circumstances! Now I'm going to start a fire that will kill many ninjas, Ra's Al Ghul... probably even the guy I was trying to save in the first place. But I had good intentions, so it's okay.

RA'S AL GHUL: Even if I only have five minutes of screentime, two of them are going to be a swordfight! En garde!

BRUCE: Look, I'm not going to kill you, but if you just HAPPEN to be in the way of a falling piece of debris caused by the fire I started and it just HAPPENS to kill you, then it's not really my fault, right?

RA'S AL GHUL: Whatever. Still better than being out-samuraied by TOM FRICKIN' CRUISE.

BRUCE: Yeah, I can't stand that guy. He's so obviously gay and he gets these beautiful women to act as beards for him... and it's SOOOO obvious their relationships are just marketing ploys. I can't imagine what kind of idiot would agree to that kind of... Oh. Never mind.

***

BRUCE: Whew! I saved Ducard's life. I'm sure this won't ironically come back to haunt me.

OPPENHEIMER: Cheers to my new invention, the A-Bomb, of which I shall always be proud!

BEN AFFLECK: Sure, honey, I'd love to do Gigli with you.

AVI ARAD: Jessica Alba as Sue Storm? Why not?

***

ALFRED: Welcome back, Master Bruce.

BRUCE: Alfred! You haven't aged a day!

ALFRED: I share genes with Dick Clark.

BRUCE: Oh. Okay then. So, you want to provide comic relief?

ALFRED: I think it'd be best.

BRUCE: And I'll be your straight man?

ALFRED: Only fitting.

BRUCE: Why, we're the original Odd Couple!

ALFRED: Don't push it.

***

EARLE: I'm cancelling Thomas Wayne's "Puppies and Sunshine for Orphans" program and spending the money on weapons research instead.

AUDIENCE: Boo! Hiss! Weapons research!

EARLE: But all that weapons research is where Bruce will get the equipment to become Batman!

AUDIENCE: Yay! Huzzah! Weapons research!

EARLE: On the other hand, one of the weapons will be used by Ra's Al Ghul to threaten the city.

AUDIENCE: Boo! Yay! Weapons research!

EARLE: Talk about your mixed messages. Oh well, I'll just be a dick so you know to root against for me. No comeuppance!

***

ALFRED: Master Wayne, what are you doing with all those files? Are you looking for allies in your war on crime?

BRUCE: No, I'm making a collage! Weeee!

ALFRED: Dear God! Look at that hideous, screeching vermin!

BRUCE: Why, this gives me an idea! Yes, I shall become... Martin-Lawrence-Man!

ALFRED: Maybe you should give it a little more time.

***

BRUCE: Hey! A cave! Neato equals keen! Hey, what's that...

MOLA ROM: Kali ma... Kali ma...

HUMAN SACRIFICE: Aum Namah Shivaya, Aum Namah Shivaya...

BRUCE: Ohhhh-kay... Hey! Bats are surrounding me. Say, this gives me an idea...

BATS: Aren't you going to say it?

BRUCE: What?

BATS: You know... "Yes, father..."

BRUCE: Oh, that. Well, I was thinking about it.

BATS: If you don't want to, it's cool.

BRUCE: I just might want to go another way with it.

BATS: That's alright. But if you did want to say that, it'd be a good time.

BRUCE: Well... I'm not.

BATS: S'cool, s'cool.

***

CRANE: And that's why I find this cameo to be mentally insane.

KATIE: You're in league with Falcone!

CRANE: Well, duh. But aren't you kinda an idiot to accuse me of that to my face without any evidence? All you're doing is giving me an excuse to have you killed, which you know I have the power to do, as I'm aligned with Falcone.

KATIE: Look, I'm a love interest in a Batman movie. If my name doesn't rhyme with Catwoman, all I have to do is look pretty and not show up for the sequel. Ya got that?

***

BRUCE: Hey! It's Morgan Freeman!

MORGAN FREEMAN: (V.O.) I must admit I didn't think much of Bruce Wayne first time I laid eyes on him; looked like a stiff breeze would blow him over. That was my first impression of the man.

BRUCE: So you're pretty much playing the same character you always do? I mean, an avuncular mentor figure to a younger white man?

MORGAN FREEMAN: Keep in mind, the last time I deviated from that archetype, the result was Dreamcatcher.

BRUCE: Complaint withdrawn. Alright, gear me up.

MORGAN FREEMAN: Sure thing. Here's Nomec survival suit for advanced infantry, Kevlar utility harness, gas-powered magnetic grappling gun, pen-laser, shark repellant, Aston-Martin Turbo 7 with built-in landmines, missile launcher, and coaster. Try to bring it back in one piece, Double-Oh Seven.

***

FLASS: Hey, Gordon, take some of this protection money. All the cool kids are doing it!

GORDON: Sorry, but I'm a Good Cop!

FLASS: Not being corrupt is for suckers! Isn't that right, Detective Vic Mackie?

MACKIE: Eyyyy!

***

BRUCE: Don't turn around. I'm pressing a gun into the back of your neck.

GORDON: I knew this would catch up with me! Look, I swear to God, she told me she was eighteen!

BRUCE: Uhhh... yeah. Well, look, I was throwing a war on crime, like to come?

GORDON: Sure. Let me this staple these papers... hey, wait a minute!

BRUCE: Ninja vanish!

***

BRUCE: I see armor and I want it painted black... no colors anymore, I want them to be black...

ALFRED: Master Bruce, the ten thousand cowls you ordered are here.

BRUCE: Alright, we'll use ten as spares and the rest will be ashtrays.

ALFRED: Very good sir.

***

GOYER: Hey, check it! Memory cloth! I'm a very smart person and I read a LOT of Popular Science!

MORGAN FREEMAN: So, you in the market for a Batmobile?

BRUCE: Wouldn't be a Batman film without one.

***

MORGAN FREEMAN: Vroom! Vroom!

BRUCE: So, now you're "Driving Mr. Wayne," eh? Eh?

MORGAN FREEMAN: ...God, I hate you.

 

[DarkKnightJRK]

Love the "Driving Mr. Wayne" line.

 

[Savage]

LOL! More! More! Keep it up man!

 

[DieselPower]

Zev, your first part was top notch, second was pretty good too. "Kali Ma Kali Ma..." Awesome stuff!!! Great referrences!

 

[DarkKnightJRK]

I didn't get the Kali Ma stuff.

 

[DieselPower]

I didn't get the Kali Ma stuff.

Kali Maaa....from Indiana Jones and the temple of doom. Remember that crazy preist who's got a whole layer deep inside a cave. He also pulls some poor guy's heart out ... that was freakin sweet!

 

[Mauser9910]

"BRUCE: Sorry, but I like having compassion! I will never kill under any circumstances! Now I'm going to start a fire that will kill many ninjas, Ra's Al Ghul... probably even the guy I was trying to save in the first place. But I had good intentions, so it's okay."

Uh-oh !

 

[The Kid]

Jessica alba. sue storm

Guffaw!!!

 

[Bat Brain]

Great again Zev. Keep it up

 

[DarkKnightJRK]

Kali Maaa....from Indiana Jones and the temple of doom. Remember that crazy preist who's got a whole layer deep inside a cave. He also pulls some poor guy's heart out ... that was freakin sweet!

Oh, been a while since I saw Temple of Doom.

 

[Riven]

Is Bruce gonna ride Rachel? Ride her like Seabiscuit? I love it when people do that in your scripts.


Good one, man!

 

[DarkKnightJRK]

Is Bruce gonna ride Rachel? Ride her like Seabiscuit? I love it when people do that in your scripts.


Good one, man!

Yeah, I just about pissed myself when I read that in the Five-Minute SM-3 script.

 

[Zev]

ALFRED: This cowl shatters when I hit it with a baseball bat!

BRUCE: That sounds like a plot point!

ALFRED: Actually, it'll never come up again.

BRUCE: So this whole scene is totally pointless?

ALFRED: Yes.







BRUCE: Still better than anything Schumacher did.

ALFRED: Oh HELL yes.

***

LATHE: Bzzzz!

BRUCE: Heh heh... I love blacksmithing... or whatever it is I'm doing.

ALFRED: A bat design! It's so cool! Why, if merchandise were available with that logo on it, I'd just HAVE to buy it! (wink)

BRUCE: Uhhh... thanks.

ALFRED: So, why bats?

BRUCE: Haven't you been waiting the last hour of movie?

ALFRED: Sorry, but the last movie that made me wait an hour to see the hero in full form was Hulk...

BRUCE: Say no more.

***

CRANE: So anyway, there's this girl, Rachel Dobson...

FALCONE: Oh, I get it. You want me to "take care of her"... BWAHAHAHA!

CRANE: No, I was just wondering if you think she likes me.

FALCONE: C'mon. Wot at dat faaace... who couldn't like you?

CRANE: Thanks, Falcone.

FALCONE: Best friends forever!

***

FLASS: So, drugs inside of dolls?

THUG: Yeah.

FLASS: Reminds me of my junior prom.

***

THUGS: Hey, we're a bunch of generic, faceless thugs. Wanna beat us up in elliptical, quick-cutting action sequences that, although novel at first, quickly become wearisome and annoying?

BATMAN: Don't mind if I do!

***

BATMAN: Whoosh!

THUG: Ahhh!

DARKNESS: Foom!

THUG 2: Either Batman is stalking us or someone let a Xenomorph loose in here!

JOHN HURT: Xenomorph? Oh no, not again!

XENOMORPH: Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal! Send me your kiss by wire, baby my heart's on fire! If you refuse me honey you'll lose me then you'll be left alone, oh baby telephone and tell me I'm your own!

***

THUG: WHERE ARE YOU!?!?

BATMAN: Here.

THUG: Where?

BATMAN: Here. Right here. Jesus Christ, you're standing right in front of me!

THUG: There?

BATMAN: No, a little to the left...

THUG: There?

BATMAN: Slightly higher.

THUG: There? GAK!

BATMAN: Yes.

***

THUG: Flass, help! There's a huge man in black leather going around beating people up!

FLASS: And this reminds me of my SENIOR prom.

***

CARMINE: What the hell are you!?

BATMAN: I'm Batman.

CARMINE: Wait a minute, I thought we were severing all ties to the prior series. Why say that?

BATMAN: Look, I don't know what sense it makes, but the fans love it. And now to completely dissipate the mood with a laughing aside to the audience. Ahem... "Nice coat."

AUDIENCE: BWAHAHAHAHA!

BATMAN: I feel so... dirty...

***

KATIE: Ah! Batman! I taser you!

BATMAN: Look at me not caring like a badass.

KATIE: What are you...

BATMAN: Still not caring.




KATIE: Well, how about...

BATMAN: BADASS!

***

FALCONE: Help... get me down...

GORDON: My God... this man has gone to GREAT LENGTHS to get a good tan!

***

LOEBS: Vigilantism is wrong!

GORDON: No it isn't.

LOEBS: Damnit Gordon, as a hardass police captain, it's my duty to tell you that you're a loose cannon! You're a cop on the edge!

GORDON: I don't play by your rules, McGarritt!

LOEBS: That's it! You're suspended!

GORDON: No SIR. You couldn't DRAG me away...

***

ALFRED: Wakey-wakey, eggs and bakey.

BRUCE: Ahhh, sleepless nights and unexplained bruises. And this is BEFORE I met a dominatrix hooker with whom I have an undefined sexual attraction.

ALFRED: Perhaps you should take up polo.

BRUCE: Polo? No, too dangerous.

ALFRED: Alright then. How about promiscious sex with multiple anonymous partners?

BRUCE: Yeah, that's the ticket!

ALFRED: Say, I was just thinking... myself, you, Liam Neeson, hell, MORGAN FREEMAN... what other talent could this movie get?

BRUCE: What the... SEAN CONNERY!?

SEAN CONNERY: You're the bat now, dog! (beat) Is that it? Am I done? Can I go home?

CHRIS NOLAN: You're excused. Oh, tell Ian McKellan he's up on your way out.

***

FALCONE: Doc, get me out of here! For old time's sake.

CRANE: Sorry Falcone. No can do.

FALCONE: Oh yeah? I'll expose you!

CRANE: I know. So I choose to expose myself!

FALCONE: Please, there are ladies present!

CRANE: I'm talking about the mask, you idiot.

FALCONE: What mask?

CRANE: Well, you know in all those Bond movies, the part where the evil villain disposes of an incompetent henchman in an extravagant fashion to show how bad he is?

FALCONE: Yeah?

CRANE: Same thing here. ACTIVATE THE SHARKS WITH THE FRICKIN' LASER BEAMS ATTACHED TO THEIR HEADS!

***

EXECUTIVE: Mr. Earle, some ninjas attacked the U.S.S. Plot Device and stole the McGuffin Project.

EARLE: Ninjas? Then I have only one option. SEND IN THE PIRATES!

***

BRUCE: Okay, fight evil every night, have threesomes with blondes every other night. Good deal.

BLONDE: Ve are European stereotypes, ja?

BLONDE 2: Ja!

BRUCE: Not quite blonde, are we? More of a dirty blonde.

DIRTY BLONDE: I feel like I just made a laughing aside to the audience!

***

GUEST: The Batman? Sounds like a crappy cartoon.

GUEST 2: I must admit, just plain Batman sounds better. It gives me images of a revolutionary mix of noir storytelling with action-packed fight scenes that's not too scary for kids, but not too simple for adults either.

BRUCE: Guy who dresses up like a bat, CLEARLY has issues. Like, perhaps he saw his parents murdered in front of him by a common street thug when he was young. Moreover, he’d probably have to be independently wealthy — like a billionaire socialite playboy — to have the time and money to invest in such shenanigans.

GUEST: You mean...

GUEST 2: Yes, of course... Lex Luthor is Batman!

***

KATIE: Bruce?

BRUCE: Rachel?

KATIE: Why are you soaking wet?

BRUCE: Well, for future reference, if someone offers you a golden shower, it doesn't mean they want to throw gold coins on you. I learned that the hard way.

KATIE: I hate you now that you're become a vacuous playboy, even though I guess it's better than you being presumed dead or a vengeance-crazed vigilante as I thought you were before. Still, I'm very disappointed in you!

BRUCE: Rachel, all that... that's not me. But inside...

KATIE: But inside doesn't matter.

BRUCE: Hey, that's my line!

KATIE: Anyway, it's not you who are underneath, it's what you do that defines you. And with great power comes great responsibility. Do or do not, that is no try!

BRUCE: Okay, I'll keep that in mind... after I have sex with two beautiful women at once.

***

FLASS: Ah, the sweet taste of corruption! No comeuppance!

BATMAN: Whew, lucky he stepped in the exact place I planted that snare fifty stories below.

FLASS: Ahhhhh!

BATMAN: Flass, you're everything I expected a man with ass in his name to be like.

FLASS: Crane's at the asylum, I swear to God!

BATMAN: He'd better be, or so help me I'll... wait a minute, I just thought of a really good line. Say "I swear to God!" again.

FLASS: No.

BATMAN: C'mon, it'll be fun.

FLASS: No, you'll just drop me for dramatic effect.

BATMAN: I promise I won't. Besides, did Blade drop the guy he was interrogating from a bungee cord in a similar scene in Blade: Trinity?

FLASS: Yes?

BATMAN: Well, it's not like we're written by the same guy or anything. Now do it!

FLASS: I swear to God!

BATMAN: Swear to me!

FLASS: False idol! False idol!

***

FINCH: An illegal shipment! This has really made my day.

NINJA: Bad news, Finch... they're bringing in Harvey Dent for the sequel.

FINCH: But I'm already DA.

NINJA: Which means it's time for you to go the way of Howard Dean's credibility.

***

BATMAN: Hmmm... Crane's apartment. What's this? Five copies of Moulin Rogue on DVD? I'm obviously dealing with a sick mind.

CRANE: Honey, I'm home! Oh, I forgot. I'm not married.

BATMAN: Time to make like Sam Fisher!

CRANE: Pull up a chair, have some fear! Hey, I'm a poet and didn't know it.

BATMAN: Gah! Fear!

CRANE: By the way, remember what happened to Anakin before he turned into Darth Vader?

BATMAN: He was a whiny brat?

CRANE: After that.

BATMAN: He caught on fire.

CRANE: Ding ding ding!

***

BATMAN: Alfred! Alfred! I need you to come and get me! The other kids made fun of me!

ALFRED: I'm on my way.

***

BRUCE: Alfred... I had a horrible dream. My parents were killed and I became a ninja to avenge their deaths... I dressed up like a bat and went around beating people up... I also had sex with two women at once...

ALFRED: Bruce... it wasn't a dream.

BRUCE: Yes! Well, the parent thing sucks but... dude, THREESOME! Matt Dillon, eat your heart out!

ALFRED: Don't worry, Morgan Freeman cured you. He'll also solve the mystery of the film.

MORGAN FREEMAN: Don't worry. I'm used to carrying dumb white men through movies. Didn't you see The Sum Of All Fears?

***

KATIE: Happy birthday, Bruce.

BRUCE: Ah, Katie... you want to give me the most precious gift a woman can give a man... your Cherry.

KATIE: My WHAT?

BRUCE: Raspberry? Blueberry? Blackberry, that's it! Anyway, thanks, but I've already got one.

KATIE: Oh. Right. What do you get for the man who has everything?

BRUCE: An alien parasite which shows him his deepest desire?

KATIE: Don't be ridiculous. Anyway, just popped by to exposit that I'm going to the Narrows.

BRUCE: The Narrows? They're filled with thieves, murderers, drug dealers, and rapists! It's worse than Detroit!

KATIE: I'm sure I'll be fine. After all, I'm a single attractive woman, unarmed except for a measly taser. I'll be fine.

BRUCE: Damnit, if only there was some... amendment that let people carry guns for personal protection!

KATIE: Hahaha! Next you'll be saying there should be some sort of LAW saying that megacorporations and wealthy individuals shouldn't be able to take your privately-owned land whenever they feel like it.

ALFRED: And that our feudal lords shouldn't be able to enact jus primae noctis on honeymooning couples.

BRUCE: Yes, what silly notions. Thank God we live under the enlightened dictatorship of King George, long may he reign.

***

BATMAN: I can listen in on Rachel and Crane using microphones in my cowl.

DAREDEVIL: You ass.

BATMAN: You had your shot, dorkface. It's not my fault you got Mark Steven "Franchise Killer" Johnson.

***

KATIE: While I'm here in your lair, I'm going to reveal my plan to reveal your villainous schemes.

CRANE: Thus making it embarrassingly easy for me to trap and kill you?

KATIE: Yes.

CRANE: You're really not that...

KATIE: I know, I know.

***

BATMAN: Here I come to save the day!

CRANE: He's here...

THUG: Who?

CRANE: The Batmannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

THUG: Is he done?

CRANE: nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

BATMAN: Take this!

THUG: Gak!

CRANE: nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

BATMAN: Rachel, what've they done to you?

CRANE: nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

BATMAN: How about an ironic fate, doctor?

CRANE: nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn... GAK!

BATMAN: Man, there sure are a lot of interrogations in this movie.

***

BATMAN: Hunh. Surrounded by cops. Quick, Gordon, find me a reference to the comics!

GORDON: Uhhhh... Batmite?

BATMAN: No, that'll never work!

GORDON: Jason Todd?

BATMAN: Don't even joke about that.

GORDON: Ooh! Ooh! Year One!

BATMAN: How does it... um... how does it work?

GORDON: I know not, my liege.

BATMAN: Consult the Book of Armaments.

GORDON: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one. "And Saint Attila raised the bat-beeper up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this thy deus ex machina, that with it thou mayst distract thine enemies with flying rats, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...

BATMAN: Skip a bit, Sergeant...

GORDON: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Bat-Beeper of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

ALL: Amen.

BATMAN: Ah-ha! Perfect! I'll use this device which calls bats... hey, is this still supposed to be prototype military weapons? Because it doesn't seem that useful. Or did I make it myself?

GORDON: Just throw it!

BATMAN:: Right. One... two... five.

GORDON: Three, sir.

BATMAN: Three.

***

FANS: Thank God, Batman's finally gotten away from the superfluos, ludricous action sequences that increasingly dominated the franchise.

BATMAN: Now to make my escape by subtly crashing into everything I possibly can.

***

RACHEL: What? What am I doing here?

BATMAN: Well, I slipped you some Rohypnol... haha, just kidding. Seriously, stop looking around for your panties. Here's a cure, I want you to get it to Jim Gordon.

RACHEL: Sure.

BATMAN: Now I'm going to put you under again. Don't worry, I promise not to touch your breast again.

RACHEL: Wait, aga...

BATMAN: Night-night.

***

ALFRED: Bruce, you have to go to the party!

BRUCE: I have to save the city!

ALFRED: Damnit, you WILL repair the damage you did to the family's reputation by releasing that sex tape!

BRUCE: Look, it was a THREESOME. People needed to find out somehow...

***

SOCIETY GAL: Bruce, I'd like you to meet... Ra's Al Ghul.

BRUCE: You're not Ra's Al Ghul.

RA'S AL GHUL: Yes, I am. He leaped into me.

BRUCE: Leaped?

RA'S AL GHUL: Yes.

BRUCE: But how?

DUCARD: Theorizing that one could time travel within his own lifetime, Dr. Ra's Al Ghul stepped into the Lazarus Pit accelerator and vanished...He woke to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not his own and driven by an unknown force to change history for the better. His only guide on this journey is Ducard, an observer from his own time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Ra's can see and hear. And so the Demon's Head finds himself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.

BRUCE: Really?

DUCARD: Nah, I'm just messin' with ya. I'm Ra's Al Ghul.

BRUCE: What? But that makes no sense... it only exists to give the movie a cheap plot twist. I mean, you're obviously the one ordering the ninjas around later on.

DUCARD: Ninjas? Bruce, Bruce... you don't realize the scope of our plot. We seek to wipe humanity from the face of the earth with terrorist actions, leaving only animals and the environment.

BRUCE: But that would mean... you're not the League of Shadows, you're worse! You're...

DUCARD: Say it! WE ARE PETA!

BRUCE: Hmmm... a billionaire playboy who enjoys frequent threesomes fights against Eastern terrorists who are sworn to destroy what they see as a morally decadent civilization... this is a Republican's wet dream! Anyway, give me time to get everyone out.

DUCARD: Sure... tell them to leave. Spoil your secret identity.

BRUCE: Hmm... this calls for a cunning ploy. HEY, EVERYBODY! DRINKS ARE ON THE HOUSE!

CROWD: Quick! To the roof!

BRUCE: I am good.

DUCARD: Well, I'm going to set your house on fire... oh, and I'm marginally related to your parents' death.

BRUCE: Argh! Debris!

DUCARD: Right, I'm just going to assume you'll die and leave. You, henchmen, if he happens to survive, strap him to this giant penny and roll him into the pit of boiling molasses. MUAHAHAHAHA! Mine is an evil laugh...

***

CRANE: Alright, I get a second chance at being a badass! I'm sure to have an awesome confrontation with my arch-nemesis THIS time!

ELECTRO: Yeah, SUUUURE you will...

***

ALFRED: THIS is for Bewitched! And this is for Miss Congeniality! And THIS is for On Deadly Ground!

BRUCE: Alfred, what are you doing?

ALFRED: Pretending those PETA ninjas are my agents. C'mon, let's get you out of here.

BRUCE: Alfred, I've let everyone down... I'm a failure... my movie's flopped.

ALFRED: No, it hasn't! You're doing great at the box office!

BRUCE: But... but people said...

ALFRED: They're lying, Master Bruce. They've already greenlit a sequel.

BRUCE: Then I'm... I'm...

ALFRED: Yes, Master Bruce. A franchise.

BRUCE: Alright then... time to kick ass!

***

DUCARD: Bwahaha! Now I will use the microwave emitter to vaporize the water supply, causing the weaponized fear gas to... ummm... something... and... look, I push the button, bad stuff happens! There!

***

BATMAN: Rachel, I'm really Bruce Wayne.

RACHEL: Why would you even tell me that?

BATMAN: Well, this subplot needs SOME resolving before I dump your ass for Catwoman. Anyway, gotta save the city. Gordon, you get to drive the Batmobile. Don't mess with the stereo, I've got it just the way I like it. And don't ever, EVER touch the red button.

***

DUCARD: Batman. Like my new T-shirt?

BATMAN: "I am God"?

DUCARD: It's meant ironically. Ninjas, attack!

PETA NINJA: Stop using animal testing to cure diseases! It's mean!

BATMAN: Look, a woman wearing fur!

PETA NINJA: Get her!

***

BATMAN: Just you and me now, Ra's.

DUCARD: Embrace your destiny, Mr. Wayne.

The two enemies, once master and student, meet in fierce battle. It is a brutal, climactic fight, each using their skills to the foremost, doing whatever is necessary to gain the upper hand.

The audience CAN'T SEE ****.

BATMAN: Ha! I sabotaged the controls so that the train will crash!

DUCARD: You did that? I thought I did that?

BATMAN: Look, just because I won't kill you, doesn't mean I'll save you.

DUCARD: But what about your compassion?

BATMAN: This is a big summer blockbuster. The villain HAS to die in some improbably yet highly flammable way.

 

[Zev]

DUCARD: I could have infected more with fear gas. I could have infected more. I don't know. If I'd just... I could have infected more.

RA'S AL GHUL: Ducard, there are eleven hundred people who are panicking because of you. Look at them.

DUCARD: If I'd made more gas... I threw away so much gas. You have no idea. If I'd just...

RA'S AL GHUL: There will be mass riotting because of what you did.

DUCARD: I didn't do enough!

RA'S AL GHUL: You did so much.

DUCARD: This car. Crane would have bought this car. Why did I keep the car? Ten people infected right there. Ten people. Ten more people. This poppy. Two people. This is a good flower. Two more people contributing to the downfall of Western civilization. He would have given me two for it, at least one. One more person. A person, Ra's. For this. I could have killed one more person... and I didn't! And I... I didn't!

***

BRUCE: Ride me, Rachel. Ride me like Seabiscuit.

RACHEL: I can't.

BRUCE: Why not?

RACHEL: Well, you remember the ending to the first Spider-Man?

BRUCE: Yeah?

RACHEL: Basically, that in reverse.

BRUCE: I think I see what you're getting at. Batman is the real me. Bruce Wayne is a mask. There is an idea of a Bruce Wayne, some kind of abstraction, hut there is no real me, only an entity, something illusory, and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping you and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.

***

BATMAN: So, in the sequel I'll fight Joker?

GORDON: No guarantees. Look at that Spider-Man movie. You thought he'd fight Harry, but apparently he's going to fight Thomas Haden Church...

THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: I'm having the Best Week Ever!

GORDON: And that Grace guy, whatshizname?

BATMAN: Topher.

GORDON: Sure thing. Hey, Ellis, come over here a minute...

BATMAN: Well, that's my cue. Wendy, I can fly!

RONALD REAGAN: The Force will be with you, always.

***

MORGAN FREEMAN: I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a character actor can feel, a character actor at the start of a long franchise whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope Sean Penn doesn't play Joker. I hope Nolan learns how to shoot fight scenes. I hope.

 

[The Kid]

I laughed. I cried. I farted.

dangling plot points, jlu references, riding seabiscuit, OH MY!!


keep bringing the funny...

 

[Flexo]

Pure comedy gold.