Batman Begins Five-Minute Batman Begins

[Zev]

Next up: Five-Minute V For Vendetta.

Be afraid.

Be Very afraid.

 

[P. Cushing]

Have you done a "Five-Minute Francis Ford Crappola's Dracula" yet?

 

[Angry Sentinel]

BATMAN: Consult the Book of Armaments.

GORDON: Armaments, chapter two, verses nine through twenty-one. "And Saint Attila raised the bat-beeper up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this thy deus ex machina, that with it thou mayst distract thine enemies with flying rats, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin. And the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths, and carp and anchovies, and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit-bats and large chu...

BATMAN: Skip a bit, Sergeant...

GORDON: And the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Bat-Beeper of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

ALL: Amen.

BATMAN: Ah-ha! Perfect! I'll use this device which calls bats... hey, is this still supposed to be prototype military weapons? Because it doesn't seem that useful. Or did I make it myself?

GORDON: Just throw it!

BATMAN:: Right. One... two... five.

GORDON: Three, sir.

BATMAN: Three.

OMG.... There is a seat reserved for you right next to Constantine on the devils personal train to hell!!! And since I found it funny... move over!

 

[The Squirrel]

funny

 

[Zev]

OMG.... There is a seat reserved forr you right next to Constantine on the devils personal train to hell!!! And since I found it funny... move over!

If anything sent me to hell, I thought it'd be my take off on Schindler's List. Oh well, I suppose there's more than one way to be damned.

Five-Minute Bram Stoker's Dracula? Well, I'd have to read the book first so I can tackle all the inconsistancies... rent the movie... maybe some day.

 

[Spare-Flair]

THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE READ ALL YEAR!!!

Those of you won't do get these jokes, sadly you just don't know enough about tv, movies, pop-culture, etc. to get the references. If you do, it's goldmine!

Wayne's World Flashback!!! (looloolooloo)

 

[roach]

where are the rest of the fivers at????????

 

[The Question]

DUCARD: I could have infected more with fear gas. I could have infected more. I don't know. If I'd just... I could have infected more.

RA'S AL GHUL: Ducard, there are eleven hundred people who are panicking because of you. Look at them.

DUCARD: If I'd made more gas... I threw away so much gas. You have no idea. If I'd just...

RA'S AL GHUL: There will be mass riotting because of what you did.

DUCARD: I didn't do enough!

RA'S AL GHUL: You did so much.

DUCARD: This car. Crane would have bought this car. Why did I keep the car? Ten people infected right there. Ten people. Ten more people. This poppy. Two people. This is a good flower. Two more people contributing to the downfall of Western civilization. He would have given me two for it, at least one. One more person. A person, Ra's. For this. I could have killed one more person... and I didn't! And I... I didn't!

THAT IS ****ING FUNNY!!!!!

 

[Zev]

where are the rest of the fivers at????????

You have no idea how grateful I am to you for asking that.

In order of appearance...

Five-Minute Spider-Man 3

Five-Minute Fantastic Four

Five-Minute Punisher 2

Five-Minute Superman Returns

Five-Minute Kingdom of Heaven

And the first Fivers I ever did...

Five-Minute X3, Hamlet, and Daredevil

I'm still in love with "It's probably the foreboding music of marital bliss and domestic tranquility."

 

[DarkKnightJRK]

Next up: Five-Minute V For Vendetta.

Be afraid.

Be Very afraid.

That should be fun.

 

[Spare-Flair]

DUCARD: Careful! If your head comes away from your neck, it's over!

BRUCE: Why can there be only one?

 

[Spare-Flair]

BRUCE: Rachel, all that... that's not me. But inside...

KATIE: But inside doesn't matter.

BRUCE: Hey, that's my line!

Amazingly subtle reference. Maybe BATeMAN: Hey, that's my line!

 

[Zev]

Five-Minute V For Vendetta is up. I fully expect to get flamed with lots of "You just don't GET it!" But at least I can count on you guys for support. Right, fellas? Right?

 

[Epouvantail]

Ruddy brilliant. Mind if I link this in my journal? 'Twould be a shame not to share this.

<3

 

[Zev]

The more, the merrier.

 

[ironmaidenrules]

First, it's "2nd" or second. Second (see?), there is no second Morgan Freeman line.

ah..i typo on my part indeed

but you are wrong in your correction

i meant 1st

hence the "st"
perhaps in my haste of writing i hit the 2 instead of the 1..which clearly makes more sense giving the location of the two numbers and the fact that their is no second morgan freeman line...just one..which i assumed was the first since i stopped reading after that

 

[Mauser9910]

"BATMAN: Ah-ha! Perfect! I'll use this device which calls bats... hey, is this still supposed to be prototype military weapons? Because it doesn't seem that useful. Or did I make it myself?"

 

[ScarletSpider]

That was the funniest thing I've read in a while, thank you sir, I tip my hat to you.

 

[caretaker14]

The two enemies, once master and student, meet in fierce battle. It is a brutal, climactic fight, each using their skills to the foremost, doing whatever is necessary to gain the upper hand.

The audience CAN'T SEE ****.

Dammit Zev. Muy chair fell over I was laughing so hard. My back hurts.

 

[Alexia Dark]

Wow... I hate to say it Zev, but that was the most rude, horrible diss to Schindler's List I've ever seen. It's one thing to make fun of character inside jokes and references and the ridiculous fight scenes, but dissing one of the most emotionally touching, and true, movies in the world... that's just low.

 

[fever red]

Wait, now. There is going to be, or there is currently, a five-minute Electra?
__Well, it can't possibly top this. I especially like the spoofing of the quintessential sublimated-father-figure-mentor-thingy, which is fine and all, perfectly valid and stuff, but...I needed to laugh at it, and I couldn't get a satisfying one going until now.

 

[Zev]

Gonna be. I have it half-written, but...

 

[Zev]

Wow... I hate to say it Zev, but that was the most rude, horrible diss to Schindler's List I've ever seen. It's one thing to make fun of character inside jokes and references and the ridiculous fight scenes, but dissing one of the most emotionally touching, and true, movies in the world... that's just low.

So... I should cancel my Oskar Schindler/Roberto Benigni team-up fic, Schindler's List Is Beautiful?

 

[fluffyllama]

and though I can hide my cold gaze and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping you and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable: I simply am not there.

Oh my GOD! Too funny, esp. for a Balefangirl. American Psycho eat your heart out!

 

[Alexia Dark]

So... I should cancel my Oskar Schindler/Roberto Benigni team-up fic, Schindler's List Is Beautiful?

You do whatever you want, but remember that this stuff actually happened. Making fun of a very sad, terrible part of history like that is cruel. It's like spoofing 9/11, not making fun of the FBI or the CIA, but of the victims who couldn't get out.