Zev
Superhero
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Movie opens with several pirates lined up to be executed. This is all sad and stuff, since presumably none of them did anything too bad, despite the fact that theyre pirates. And just in case we didnt get that this is bad, theres a random British dude to list how their rights are being suspended.
Audience: Wait, if theyre going to die anyway, why dont they fight back against the Brits?
Screenwriters: Because the East India Trading Corporation is so evil!
Little kid: *going to die*
Audience: Dont you think thats a little much for a kids movie?
Screenwriters: SO EVIL! On an unrelated note, would you like to buy some fine Disney products? Disney: Where imagination comes alive!
The pirates start to sing the song from the ride, since that is apparently their badass anthem now. In actuality, this is to activate a MAGIC COIN which will call together PIRATE CONGRESS.
Audience: SRLY?
Screenwriters: East India Trading Company! So evil! Like, OMG!
Meanwhile, in Singapore, Elizabeth and Barbossa are going to meet with Fu Manchu.
Chow Yun-Fat: Thats Sao Feng.
Whatever, Fu Manchu. Elizabeth has a ludicrous amount of weapons she has to take off, just like Mad Max in Beyond Thunderdome.
Elizabeth: I specialize in becoming a badass while the audience isnt looking. Also, I dont resent you for taking me hostage or trying to kill me or threatening to rape me or anything.
Barbossa: Thanks. It would be kinda awkward if you did.
They meet with Chow Yun-Fat to get a boat and maps.
Chow Yun-Fat: Wait, if you dont have a boat, how did you get to Singapore?
Elizabeth: Take it up with the screenwriters.
Screenwriters: The East India Trading Company is really evil! You have no idea!
Barbossa: Look, can we have one of the fourteen different McGuffins wrapped up in this movies plot or not?
Chow Yun-Fat: But someone tried to steal the maps!
Elizabeth: I hope its not Will, because it would kinda be embarrassing for him to be reintroduced to the audience whilst being completely incompetent.
Its Will.
Chow Yun-Fat: Lucy, you got some esplaining to do.
Elizabeth: We all have to band together against the forces of evil and stuff. And if you dont do it, youre a coward!
Chow Yun-Fat: Enough of this talk. Prepare for the fight scene!
They fight. Singapore blows up.
Will: Hey there, Chow. Remember, youre going to help me betray my friends so I can get the Black Pearl.
Chow Yun-Fat: Why do you want it, anyway? And why do you think its even in Davy Jones Locker?
Will: I need it because its the only way for me to kill Davy Jones!
Chow Yun-Fat: Not only does that not make sense, but arent your friends planning to kill Davy Jones too? Really, this betrayal has no point.
Will: Sorry, but were going to need a plot twist forty-five minutes from now, and thats it.
They go to Antarctica or something, where some guys toe freezes and breaks off.
Audience: Uhh family movie?
After some exposition, they end up falling off the edge of the world.
Audience: So, the worlds flat then?
Meanwhile, theres a ship crewed entirely by shirtless Jack Sparrows.
Fangirls: They filmed our dreams!!!
As it turns out, Captain Jack is trapped in purgatory and has suffered a nervous breakdown, becoming consumed with self-loathing and loneliness.
Audience: Haha! Oh Jack, youre so wacky.
For some reason, a thousand crabs decide to help Jack out because he licked one of them or something. However, there are any number of people who would carry a ship on their back if Jack Sparrow licked them, so well let it pass.
Jack: Barbossa, you stole my ship! Elizabeth, you killed me!
Elizabeth: We know all that. So lets not mention it for the rest of the movie and move on with the plot.
Jack: Cool.
On the way out of the underworld, they meet up with Elizabeths father, who died earlier.
Daddy Swann: Good news, everyone! Whoever kills Davy Jones has to take his place as captain of the Flying Dutchman!
Jack: Hmmm, that sounds quite nice to me. Ill fantasize and talk about becoming captain of the Flying Dutchman for the rest of the movie, therefore it will be a shock when I dont actually become captain of the Flying Dutchman.
Audience: Not.
Elizabeth: Dad, take this rope and dont die.
Daddy Swann: *doesnt take rope*
Elizabeth: Why are you just letting yourself die?
Daddy Swann: Because this movie needs a tragic death or two or three four, if you count the kid.
Will: Tia Dalma, is there any way you could bring him back like you did Barbossa?
Tia Dalma: No.
Will: I accept that unquestioningly.
It turns out that to escape the underworld, they need to capsize the boat.
Audience: Rock the boat, dont rock the boat baby, rock the boat, dont tip the boat over!
Jack: Stop that! This is supposed to be serious now!
Audience: My heart will go on.
They succeed in tipping over the boat, although some random Chinese pirates get squashed since TPTB havent learned their lesson from the expendable Arab pirates in the second movie.
Jack: Well, now that were out of the underworld, I guess it makes sense that were all team-up against our mutual enemy.
Will: You mean Barbossa?
Jack: I mean Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Actually, me and Will are kinda not getting along
Everyone points guns at each other, but the situation is defused when none of their guns work.
Audience: Wait, dont they have swords?
Will: Lets stop off at this convenient island which happens to conveniently be near the exit to the afterlife, where I somehow arranged for us to be betrayed.
Even more conveniently, the island happens to be where the Kraken died.
Jack: So, wait, after all the effort we went through to just injure the Kraken in the second movie, it just died offscreen?
Barbossa: I guess so. But then, I hope this resolves your temporary issue with playing hero.
Jack: It does at that.
And one of Sao Fengs men is there, and dead for some reason.
Audience: Wait, why is he dead?
Sao Feng and the evil British people show up to capture the heroes.
Will: Everything is going according to plan. Now, if youll just hand over the Black Pearl and a crew and dont betray me, like Barbossa did in the first movie or Jack did in the same movie oh poopie, Im screwed, arent I?
Chow Yun-Fat: Yup.
Jack is taken to talk to Lord Cutler Beckett (who is evil, if youll recall, because his first name is Cutler) and they both make reference to their mutual backstory which turns out not to have any bearing on anything.
Jack: and thats my plan to betray all the pirate lords to you.
Cutler: So are you planning to double-cross them or double-cross me or double-cross everyone?
Jack: I may just not double-cross anyone but then Id have to double-cross myself to keep the plot going.
Meanwhile, Barbossa is talking with Chow Yun-Fat.
Barbossa: Sorry about blowing up Singapore. But seriously, you should help out some.
Chow Yun-Fat: Why should I?
Cutler: Hey, loser, weve decided were going to double-cross your double-cross of Wills double-cross and take the Black Pearl for ourselves.
Pintel: How many double-crosses is that now?
Ragetti: I think were up to a quintuple-cross.
Barbossa: If only he had been a pirate, then hedve kept to the Code.
Chow Yun-Fat: I know Im only in this movie for thirty minutes, but even I know thats bull****. You pirates betray each other like ninjas flip out and kill people.
Barbossa: Dont ever compare me to a ninja! Besides, we have Calypso.
Chow Yun-Fat: I have no idea who that is, since she hasnt come up in the six hours of film preceding this one.
Barbossa: You know, that goddess we pirates kinda bound to human form and forced to help us sail the seas or something?
Chow Yun-Fat: Oh, right, her. Well, because its convenient for the plot Ill help you free her.
Barbossa: Groovy. And as a consolation prize, take Miss Swann, the most beautiful woman on the seven seas.
Chow Yun-Fat: Well hello good-looking
Will: Im Will Turner. Thats Miss Swann.
Chow Yun-Fat: Oh, right.
After a brief action sequence, everyone goes their separate ways, with Will in the brig on the Black Pearl and Elizabeth with Chow Yun-Fat on his ship.
Chow Yun-Fat: Hey there sexy momma. I think youre secretly a goddess and that really turns me on.
Elizabeth: Do you really expect me to sex you when Ive known you for about fifteen minutes?
Chow Yun-Fat: Well, considering the other male figures in your life are either Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp, or a bunch of guys in wigs, Im probably the most masculine person youve ever met.
Elizabeth: I dont think anyone with your manicure should claim excessive masculinity.
Chow Yun-Fat: Looking good aint a crime. Say, did I mention I plan to return to you your omnipotent power?
Elizabeth: Ah, then I guess it would make no sense whatsoever for you to piss me off before then.
Chow Yun-Fat: YOU GONNA GET RAPED!
However, the screenwriters finally remember that this is a family movie and Chow Yun-Fat gets killed by a convenient cannonball.
Elizabeth: Fu Manchu, NO!
Chow Yun-Fat: My characters name is Sao Feng! Oh, and youre the new captain. GAK!
Elizabeth: Wow. Its a good thing I did something to earn being a pirate lord other than look pretty and be mistaken for someone else. Oh, wait
Norrington shows up, for it was the Flying Dutchman that attacked.
Norrington: Hey, remember me? I was important in the first two movies! Remember?
Elizabeth: I totally blame and hate you for my fathers death, even though its obvious you have nothing to do with it.
Norrington: When I sold you out, I never expected this.
Elizabeth and her men, who for some reason are totally cool with being loyal to someone who has no experience whatsoever, are taken to the brig, where Wills Dad is.
Elizabeth: Bootstrap Bill! I cant believe we got two movies out of a grisly plot hole involving you.
Bootstrap Bill: Me neither. Oh, and I have Alzheimers now. Oh, and I have Alzheimers now. Oh, and I have Alzheimers now.
Norrington redeems himself by freeing Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Thank God your character arc has culminated in resolving a minor conflict.
Norrington: Yes indeed.
Elizabeth: Come with us! You could help us in our fight against the East India Trading Company.
Norrington: Im sorry, that would be too interesting. You go while I stay here and suffer a noble death for no reason.
She does and he gets killed by Bootstrap Bill.
Audience: Well, that was random.
With Norrington dead, the fish pirates think theyre free, only to find that the comic relief soldiers from the first movie are guarding the chest. Thus showing that every single second of Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl has received a callback.
Meanwhile, Will is letting Cutler know how to find them by strapping corpses to barrels.
Jack: Say, Will, you know this is a family movie?
Will: Says the man who has every venereal disease known to man at this point.
Jack: Ha, jokes on you! I have venereal diseases which havent even been discovered yet! So, planning on killing Davy Jones and becoming the new captain?
Will: Yup.
Jack: Or I could kill Davy Jones.
Will: You? Captain of the Flying Dutchman? What would that be like?
Jack: What indeed?
Love Boat soon will be making another run
The Love Boat promises something for everyone
Set a course for adventure,
Your mind on a new romance.
Jack: Love won't hurt anymore
It's an open smile on a friendly shore.
Oh, sorry. Anyway, Im glad youve signed on to my nebulous master plan.
Jack moves in for a kiss
Fangirls: FINALLY!!!
But it turns out hes just knocking Will off the boat with his terrible halitosis.
Fangirls: You ****ing bastards.
Will is picked up by Cutler Beckett, who tortures him by making him and Davy Jones trade exposition.
Will: So you were the one who told the pirate lords how to imprison Calypso.
Davy Jones: She ditched me on our ONE DATE after ten years. Ten years of blue balls. I feel justified in my decision.
Everyone else in the cast who hasnt died shows up at Shipwreck Island and pirate congress is called into session.
Barbossa: Let this meeting of the Order of Ethnic Stereotypes come to a start!
Elizabeth: We should stand and fight!Spartans Pirates, tonight we dine in hell!
Barbossa: Or we could just uncork that goddess we have sitting around.
Jack: So our options for beating the East India Trading Company Armada include a goddess and a fleet of pirate ships.
As it turns out, neither of them have any real bearing on the endgame.
Jack: Bugger. Lets elect a new pirate king!
It ends up being Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: This is the most unearned accumulation of power since The Hudsucker Proxy!
And suddenly the pirate code is inviolate because of Keith Richards, so they have to listen to her.
Screenwriters: Thats feminist, right? Right?
Jack: So, thats your cameo? Its pretty underwhelming.
Teague: I have a shrunken head.
Jack: It looks normal-sized to me.
Teague: I was talking about your mother.
Jack: I dont think a yo momma joke is called for.
Teague: No, your mother because I am your father.
Jack: Thats a terrible Darth Vader impression.
Then the armada shows up, so Elizabeth gives everyone a band of brothers speech.
Pirates: Wait, why are we listening to her again?
Elizabeth: Hoist the colors!
The pirates hoist the **** out of their colors. But it turns out that an armada is code for a whole ****load of ships.
Elizabeth: Who couldve guessed that the British Empire would have a large navy?
Jack: This calls for a Sergio Leone reference!
There is one.
Elizabeth: Ill trade you Johnny Depp for Orlando Bloom, thus fulfilling every girls dream of playing Pokemon with Hollywood celebrities.
Cutler: Done! By the way, I killed your father figure, but Im really sorry about it. It was an accident brought on by your own refusal to take responsibility for your actions.
Elizabeth: What, really?
Cutler: No, that was Spider-Man 3.
They decide to set Calypso free.
Barbossa: Deus ex Tia Dalma!
Tia Dalma grows fifty feet high and turns into a thousand crabs.
Audience: *thinks up a million different crab jokes*
Jack: Well, that accomplished a bunch.
Calypso starts a maelstrom, conveniently narrowing the scope of the conflict from fleet versus fleet battle. Theres a really huge fight scene in which Jack acts whacky while Will and Elizabeth get married.
Elizabeth: You think Id have some compunction about getting married while killing British soldiers left and right. Oh well.
They kiss while Barbossa is crazy and lovable.
Will: So, if Im married to the pirate king, does that make me the pirate queen?
Elizabeth: Will, youve been the pirate queen since the first movie.
Then everyone takes the fight to the Flying Dutchman, where Jack has escaped and stolen Davy Jones heart.
Audience: Just like he did ours, the lovable scamp.
Jack: Ey, Davy, got your heart! Now to gloat about it instead of taking action, confident that theres no way you could
Will: Gak!
Jack: Oh bugger. Well, I guess Ill trade in immortality for franchise potential.
He makes Will stab the heart, making Will the new captain of the Flying Dutchman. Davy Jones dies and is reunited with Calypso or not. Whatever. Will and Elizabeth jump back onto the Black Pearl as the Flying Dutchman sinks.
Elizabeth: Will! Noooooooooo!
Jack: Say, why do we call it the Flying Dutchman if it doesnt actually fly?
Then the Dutchman and the Pearl have a Marvel Team-Up and killinate Cutler Beckett and his flagship, causing all the other Brit ships to turn away.
Pirate lords: *celebrate as if they had anything to do with the victory*
Bootstrap Bill: Well son, thanks for freeing me. It makes up for all the Fathers Days that you never got me a fishing rod or a Worlds Best Dad mug.
Will: Huh? What about all my birthdays that you missed?
Bootstrap Bill: I gave you that knife in the last movie, didnt I?
Will: Well, Im off to an island to have wild monkey sex with Elizabeth for twenty-four hours.
Next season, on 24
Will: This is still nominally a family film, so Im just going to rub my face against your knee, even though I totally just ate out at the Y.
Elizabeth: Yeah, the YMCA hasnt been invented yet, dumbass.
Will: Maybe you could do that in the next ten years, since its not like youre just going to be hanging around a deserted island for a decade.
Somehow, some of fandom gets this idea anyway. Like, HELLO!?
Since this is a somewhat depressing ending, we see Jack about to recreate that scene from Wild Things, only Barbossa stole his ship.
Jack: So, wait, that makes the entire first movie pretty much pointless!? And why would Barbossa even leave me alive, considering I killed him last time? If he was redeemed, why did he mutiny me again?
Screenwriters: Look, the plot turned a cul-de-sac. Its cool. Now drink some rum.
Jack: I love rum!
He goes out to find the Fountain of Youth in a dinghy, leaving the audience wondering how he became a pirate lord if he cant assemble a crew and a bigger ship to find the secret of ever-lasting life.
Oh, and in the twenty-four hours of wild monkey sex, Elizabeth got knocked-up, but she stayed faithful to Will for ten years, so the curse is broken. Or not. Could go either way.
Audience: Wait, if theyre going to die anyway, why dont they fight back against the Brits?
Screenwriters: Because the East India Trading Corporation is so evil!
Little kid: *going to die*
Audience: Dont you think thats a little much for a kids movie?
Screenwriters: SO EVIL! On an unrelated note, would you like to buy some fine Disney products? Disney: Where imagination comes alive!
The pirates start to sing the song from the ride, since that is apparently their badass anthem now. In actuality, this is to activate a MAGIC COIN which will call together PIRATE CONGRESS.
Audience: SRLY?
Screenwriters: East India Trading Company! So evil! Like, OMG!
Meanwhile, in Singapore, Elizabeth and Barbossa are going to meet with Fu Manchu.
Chow Yun-Fat: Thats Sao Feng.
Whatever, Fu Manchu. Elizabeth has a ludicrous amount of weapons she has to take off, just like Mad Max in Beyond Thunderdome.
Elizabeth: I specialize in becoming a badass while the audience isnt looking. Also, I dont resent you for taking me hostage or trying to kill me or threatening to rape me or anything.
Barbossa: Thanks. It would be kinda awkward if you did.
They meet with Chow Yun-Fat to get a boat and maps.
Chow Yun-Fat: Wait, if you dont have a boat, how did you get to Singapore?
Elizabeth: Take it up with the screenwriters.
Screenwriters: The East India Trading Company is really evil! You have no idea!
Barbossa: Look, can we have one of the fourteen different McGuffins wrapped up in this movies plot or not?
Chow Yun-Fat: But someone tried to steal the maps!
Elizabeth: I hope its not Will, because it would kinda be embarrassing for him to be reintroduced to the audience whilst being completely incompetent.
Its Will.
Chow Yun-Fat: Lucy, you got some esplaining to do.
Elizabeth: We all have to band together against the forces of evil and stuff. And if you dont do it, youre a coward!
Chow Yun-Fat: Enough of this talk. Prepare for the fight scene!
They fight. Singapore blows up.
Will: Hey there, Chow. Remember, youre going to help me betray my friends so I can get the Black Pearl.
Chow Yun-Fat: Why do you want it, anyway? And why do you think its even in Davy Jones Locker?
Will: I need it because its the only way for me to kill Davy Jones!
Chow Yun-Fat: Not only does that not make sense, but arent your friends planning to kill Davy Jones too? Really, this betrayal has no point.
Will: Sorry, but were going to need a plot twist forty-five minutes from now, and thats it.
They go to Antarctica or something, where some guys toe freezes and breaks off.
Audience: Uhh family movie?
After some exposition, they end up falling off the edge of the world.
Audience: So, the worlds flat then?
Meanwhile, theres a ship crewed entirely by shirtless Jack Sparrows.
Fangirls: They filmed our dreams!!!
As it turns out, Captain Jack is trapped in purgatory and has suffered a nervous breakdown, becoming consumed with self-loathing and loneliness.
Audience: Haha! Oh Jack, youre so wacky.
For some reason, a thousand crabs decide to help Jack out because he licked one of them or something. However, there are any number of people who would carry a ship on their back if Jack Sparrow licked them, so well let it pass.
Jack: Barbossa, you stole my ship! Elizabeth, you killed me!
Elizabeth: We know all that. So lets not mention it for the rest of the movie and move on with the plot.
Jack: Cool.
On the way out of the underworld, they meet up with Elizabeths father, who died earlier.
Daddy Swann: Good news, everyone! Whoever kills Davy Jones has to take his place as captain of the Flying Dutchman!
Jack: Hmmm, that sounds quite nice to me. Ill fantasize and talk about becoming captain of the Flying Dutchman for the rest of the movie, therefore it will be a shock when I dont actually become captain of the Flying Dutchman.
Audience: Not.
Elizabeth: Dad, take this rope and dont die.
Daddy Swann: *doesnt take rope*
Elizabeth: Why are you just letting yourself die?
Daddy Swann: Because this movie needs a tragic death or two or three four, if you count the kid.
Will: Tia Dalma, is there any way you could bring him back like you did Barbossa?
Tia Dalma: No.
Will: I accept that unquestioningly.
It turns out that to escape the underworld, they need to capsize the boat.
Audience: Rock the boat, dont rock the boat baby, rock the boat, dont tip the boat over!
Jack: Stop that! This is supposed to be serious now!
Audience: My heart will go on.
They succeed in tipping over the boat, although some random Chinese pirates get squashed since TPTB havent learned their lesson from the expendable Arab pirates in the second movie.
Jack: Well, now that were out of the underworld, I guess it makes sense that were all team-up against our mutual enemy.
Will: You mean Barbossa?
Jack: I mean Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Actually, me and Will are kinda not getting along
Everyone points guns at each other, but the situation is defused when none of their guns work.
Audience: Wait, dont they have swords?
Will: Lets stop off at this convenient island which happens to conveniently be near the exit to the afterlife, where I somehow arranged for us to be betrayed.
Even more conveniently, the island happens to be where the Kraken died.
Jack: So, wait, after all the effort we went through to just injure the Kraken in the second movie, it just died offscreen?
Barbossa: I guess so. But then, I hope this resolves your temporary issue with playing hero.
Jack: It does at that.
And one of Sao Fengs men is there, and dead for some reason.
Audience: Wait, why is he dead?
Sao Feng and the evil British people show up to capture the heroes.
Will: Everything is going according to plan. Now, if youll just hand over the Black Pearl and a crew and dont betray me, like Barbossa did in the first movie or Jack did in the same movie oh poopie, Im screwed, arent I?
Chow Yun-Fat: Yup.
Jack is taken to talk to Lord Cutler Beckett (who is evil, if youll recall, because his first name is Cutler) and they both make reference to their mutual backstory which turns out not to have any bearing on anything.
Jack: and thats my plan to betray all the pirate lords to you.
Cutler: So are you planning to double-cross them or double-cross me or double-cross everyone?
Jack: I may just not double-cross anyone but then Id have to double-cross myself to keep the plot going.
Meanwhile, Barbossa is talking with Chow Yun-Fat.
Barbossa: Sorry about blowing up Singapore. But seriously, you should help out some.
Chow Yun-Fat: Why should I?
Cutler: Hey, loser, weve decided were going to double-cross your double-cross of Wills double-cross and take the Black Pearl for ourselves.
Pintel: How many double-crosses is that now?
Ragetti: I think were up to a quintuple-cross.
Barbossa: If only he had been a pirate, then hedve kept to the Code.
Chow Yun-Fat: I know Im only in this movie for thirty minutes, but even I know thats bull****. You pirates betray each other like ninjas flip out and kill people.
Barbossa: Dont ever compare me to a ninja! Besides, we have Calypso.
Chow Yun-Fat: I have no idea who that is, since she hasnt come up in the six hours of film preceding this one.
Barbossa: You know, that goddess we pirates kinda bound to human form and forced to help us sail the seas or something?
Chow Yun-Fat: Oh, right, her. Well, because its convenient for the plot Ill help you free her.
Barbossa: Groovy. And as a consolation prize, take Miss Swann, the most beautiful woman on the seven seas.
Chow Yun-Fat: Well hello good-looking
Will: Im Will Turner. Thats Miss Swann.
Chow Yun-Fat: Oh, right.
After a brief action sequence, everyone goes their separate ways, with Will in the brig on the Black Pearl and Elizabeth with Chow Yun-Fat on his ship.
Chow Yun-Fat: Hey there sexy momma. I think youre secretly a goddess and that really turns me on.
Elizabeth: Do you really expect me to sex you when Ive known you for about fifteen minutes?
Chow Yun-Fat: Well, considering the other male figures in your life are either Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp, or a bunch of guys in wigs, Im probably the most masculine person youve ever met.
Elizabeth: I dont think anyone with your manicure should claim excessive masculinity.
Chow Yun-Fat: Looking good aint a crime. Say, did I mention I plan to return to you your omnipotent power?
Elizabeth: Ah, then I guess it would make no sense whatsoever for you to piss me off before then.
Chow Yun-Fat: YOU GONNA GET RAPED!
However, the screenwriters finally remember that this is a family movie and Chow Yun-Fat gets killed by a convenient cannonball.
Elizabeth: Fu Manchu, NO!
Chow Yun-Fat: My characters name is Sao Feng! Oh, and youre the new captain. GAK!
Elizabeth: Wow. Its a good thing I did something to earn being a pirate lord other than look pretty and be mistaken for someone else. Oh, wait
Norrington shows up, for it was the Flying Dutchman that attacked.
Norrington: Hey, remember me? I was important in the first two movies! Remember?
Elizabeth: I totally blame and hate you for my fathers death, even though its obvious you have nothing to do with it.
Norrington: When I sold you out, I never expected this.
Elizabeth and her men, who for some reason are totally cool with being loyal to someone who has no experience whatsoever, are taken to the brig, where Wills Dad is.
Elizabeth: Bootstrap Bill! I cant believe we got two movies out of a grisly plot hole involving you.
Bootstrap Bill: Me neither. Oh, and I have Alzheimers now. Oh, and I have Alzheimers now. Oh, and I have Alzheimers now.
Norrington redeems himself by freeing Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: Thank God your character arc has culminated in resolving a minor conflict.
Norrington: Yes indeed.
Elizabeth: Come with us! You could help us in our fight against the East India Trading Company.
Norrington: Im sorry, that would be too interesting. You go while I stay here and suffer a noble death for no reason.
She does and he gets killed by Bootstrap Bill.
Audience: Well, that was random.
With Norrington dead, the fish pirates think theyre free, only to find that the comic relief soldiers from the first movie are guarding the chest. Thus showing that every single second of Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl has received a callback.
Meanwhile, Will is letting Cutler know how to find them by strapping corpses to barrels.
Jack: Say, Will, you know this is a family movie?
Will: Says the man who has every venereal disease known to man at this point.
Jack: Ha, jokes on you! I have venereal diseases which havent even been discovered yet! So, planning on killing Davy Jones and becoming the new captain?
Will: Yup.
Jack: Or I could kill Davy Jones.
Will: You? Captain of the Flying Dutchman? What would that be like?
Jack: What indeed?
Love Boat soon will be making another run
The Love Boat promises something for everyone
Set a course for adventure,
Your mind on a new romance.
Jack: Love won't hurt anymore
It's an open smile on a friendly shore.
Oh, sorry. Anyway, Im glad youve signed on to my nebulous master plan.
Jack moves in for a kiss
Fangirls: FINALLY!!!
But it turns out hes just knocking Will off the boat with his terrible halitosis.
Fangirls: You ****ing bastards.
Will is picked up by Cutler Beckett, who tortures him by making him and Davy Jones trade exposition.
Will: So you were the one who told the pirate lords how to imprison Calypso.
Davy Jones: She ditched me on our ONE DATE after ten years. Ten years of blue balls. I feel justified in my decision.
Everyone else in the cast who hasnt died shows up at Shipwreck Island and pirate congress is called into session.
Barbossa: Let this meeting of the Order of Ethnic Stereotypes come to a start!
Elizabeth: We should stand and fight!
Barbossa: Or we could just uncork that goddess we have sitting around.
Jack: So our options for beating the East India Trading Company Armada include a goddess and a fleet of pirate ships.
As it turns out, neither of them have any real bearing on the endgame.
Jack: Bugger. Lets elect a new pirate king!
It ends up being Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: This is the most unearned accumulation of power since The Hudsucker Proxy!
And suddenly the pirate code is inviolate because of Keith Richards, so they have to listen to her.
Screenwriters: Thats feminist, right? Right?
Jack: So, thats your cameo? Its pretty underwhelming.
Teague: I have a shrunken head.
Jack: It looks normal-sized to me.
Teague: I was talking about your mother.
Jack: I dont think a yo momma joke is called for.
Teague: No, your mother because I am your father.
Jack: Thats a terrible Darth Vader impression.
Then the armada shows up, so Elizabeth gives everyone a band of brothers speech.
Pirates: Wait, why are we listening to her again?
Elizabeth: Hoist the colors!
The pirates hoist the **** out of their colors. But it turns out that an armada is code for a whole ****load of ships.
Elizabeth: Who couldve guessed that the British Empire would have a large navy?
Jack: This calls for a Sergio Leone reference!
There is one.
Elizabeth: Ill trade you Johnny Depp for Orlando Bloom, thus fulfilling every girls dream of playing Pokemon with Hollywood celebrities.
Cutler: Done! By the way, I killed your father figure, but Im really sorry about it. It was an accident brought on by your own refusal to take responsibility for your actions.
Elizabeth: What, really?
Cutler: No, that was Spider-Man 3.
They decide to set Calypso free.
Barbossa: Deus ex Tia Dalma!
Tia Dalma grows fifty feet high and turns into a thousand crabs.
Audience: *thinks up a million different crab jokes*
Jack: Well, that accomplished a bunch.
Calypso starts a maelstrom, conveniently narrowing the scope of the conflict from fleet versus fleet battle. Theres a really huge fight scene in which Jack acts whacky while Will and Elizabeth get married.
Elizabeth: You think Id have some compunction about getting married while killing British soldiers left and right. Oh well.
They kiss while Barbossa is crazy and lovable.
Will: So, if Im married to the pirate king, does that make me the pirate queen?
Elizabeth: Will, youve been the pirate queen since the first movie.
Then everyone takes the fight to the Flying Dutchman, where Jack has escaped and stolen Davy Jones heart.
Audience: Just like he did ours, the lovable scamp.
Jack: Ey, Davy, got your heart! Now to gloat about it instead of taking action, confident that theres no way you could
Will: Gak!
Jack: Oh bugger. Well, I guess Ill trade in immortality for franchise potential.
He makes Will stab the heart, making Will the new captain of the Flying Dutchman. Davy Jones dies and is reunited with Calypso or not. Whatever. Will and Elizabeth jump back onto the Black Pearl as the Flying Dutchman sinks.
Elizabeth: Will! Noooooooooo!
Jack: Say, why do we call it the Flying Dutchman if it doesnt actually fly?
Then the Dutchman and the Pearl have a Marvel Team-Up and killinate Cutler Beckett and his flagship, causing all the other Brit ships to turn away.
Pirate lords: *celebrate as if they had anything to do with the victory*
Bootstrap Bill: Well son, thanks for freeing me. It makes up for all the Fathers Days that you never got me a fishing rod or a Worlds Best Dad mug.
Will: Huh? What about all my birthdays that you missed?
Bootstrap Bill: I gave you that knife in the last movie, didnt I?
Will: Well, Im off to an island to have wild monkey sex with Elizabeth for twenty-four hours.
Next season, on 24
Will: This is still nominally a family film, so Im just going to rub my face against your knee, even though I totally just ate out at the Y.
Elizabeth: Yeah, the YMCA hasnt been invented yet, dumbass.
Will: Maybe you could do that in the next ten years, since its not like youre just going to be hanging around a deserted island for a decade.
Somehow, some of fandom gets this idea anyway. Like, HELLO!?
Since this is a somewhat depressing ending, we see Jack about to recreate that scene from Wild Things, only Barbossa stole his ship.
Jack: So, wait, that makes the entire first movie pretty much pointless!? And why would Barbossa even leave me alive, considering I killed him last time? If he was redeemed, why did he mutiny me again?
Screenwriters: Look, the plot turned a cul-de-sac. Its cool. Now drink some rum.
Jack: I love rum!
He goes out to find the Fountain of Youth in a dinghy, leaving the audience wondering how he became a pirate lord if he cant assemble a crew and a bigger ship to find the secret of ever-lasting life.
Oh, and in the twenty-four hours of wild monkey sex, Elizabeth got knocked-up, but she stayed faithful to Will for ten years, so the curse is broken. Or not. Could go either way.
