I posted this on one of the other Pirates related threads a while back, but it's probably more appropriate here:
Here's the majority of my problems with Pirates 3 after rewatching it on DVD... It's long, but I figured what the hell, why not:
Pirates 3 is a disaster. Not like an "Oops! I forgot to turn on the cooling at the ice cream stand I work overnight so it was all soup in the morning" disaster, but more like an "Oh ****! I was born a black Helen Keller in Africa and had my hands cut off like in the beginning of Blood Diamond" disaster. This is a film that takes all the good will and build up of the last film, hell, the last two films and completely flushes it down the toilet.
Where to begin? The completely floundered characters? The disregarded or utterly wasted plot points? The lack of cohesion from the previous two films? The rediculous script? The bipolar nature of the film? The constant time wasting, meandering, and the anticlimactic ending? I can go on all day.
We'll start with the characters. What happened? Seriously, what the **** happened?
Jack. You know, after the second film, I remember someone somewhere suggesting how much balls it would take for the third film to keep him dead- or make him nothing more than a cameo near the end. How the other characters, like Will, would have to step up and take center stage. And while it would be hard- perhaps impossible- how great that would be should they succeed. Of course we all knew that would never happen, we'd get him back after a big set piece to save him in the beginning, and things would be back on track and back to normal.
But after what we got, that's a concept I would have much rather seen. And in a way, that's exactly what we got. Because we did not get Captain Jack Sparrow back. Not at all. The Captain Jack of the first two films died at the end of DMC, and he never returned. This new Jack Sparrow, not even worthy of the title "Captain", was your basic stock Disney character- full of multiple versions of himself carrying out every little piece of his Id, then reverting into the even worse angel and devil shoulder gag routine. I expected such childish gimmicks out of the two soldier characters that returned from the first film, but not from the formerly witty, edgy Pirate we had all grown to love over the course of the two previous films. The worst thing about this complete departure from Sparrow's former character is that it was completely and totally unnecessary. Jack Sparrow is your textbook definition of a supporting character- that is, (in theory) he doesn't change throughout the course of the films. He's the same womanizing mostly selfish witty and clever pirate destined to be alone at the end of the third film as he is at the start of the first film. So why, then, for a character that doesn't change, do you completely throw out everything that made him an icon in the first films for something new? If it ain't broke, don't fix it. The only recognizable aspect of Jack in the third film is the way Depp plays him. Everything else is thrown out for a multiple personality wackjob that's used pretty damn unsuccessively for comic relief. Like we didn't have enough of that from other characters in the film, and even from Jack's original incarnation.
Norrington. The biggest waste of the film. And believe me, when there are so many, that's saying something. Here's a character that made a decent secondary foil to our main heroes in the first film, and completely jumped up to the next level in the second. His portrayal of an unflinching force of justice in the first film is one that Mr. Hollander could have learned from for his overly bland Lord Beckett. And his ruined, bitter man that's lost his honor and his love in the second film was magic. Do we continue that here? That level of greatness? Do we see a character that has backstabbed his way back to the top - done everything he once swore to fight against just to reclaim his former glory - wrestle with those inner demons? Do we see him struggle with a love we know he cannot have, struggle between learning that justice and being right aren't always the same thing as obeying the law? Nope. But we do see him mumble something about "Elizabeth" and then get impaled on a tree stump. Which brings me to the impaler, none other than....
Bootstrap Bill Turner! I wasn't aware the third Pirates was actually a crossover film with the Evil Dead universe. But after seeing Bootstrap Bill unexplicably turn into a zombie for the entire third film, it makes perfect sense to me now. Maybe I missed the part in the second film where members of Jones' crew slowly turn into mindless monsters. Oh, nope, wait, I didn't- it just wasn't there. In fact, it was actually established that despite how long a character is stuck aboard Jones' ship, they maintain all their brain functions. They might turn into a wall with a moving mouth and eyes, but they still have to sit through the horror of knowing that they are just a stupid wall with some eyes. But I guess the writers felt they had used up any other uses for the character, so he just became a screaming zombie instead. Even disregarding continuity(they did plenty of other places too), they could have introduced this factor early in the film, and had us watch as Will's father slowly deteriorated into a monster, upping the stakes for Will even more. Nope! He's a fumbling flesh eater screaming for brains with a big log from the get go folks! Brilliant.
Not to mention the complete lack of anything decent going on for Beckett, the unneeded and blink and youll miss it implied death of Elizabeths father sailing away on that stupid boat, the stupidity of having a genuinely interesting and mysterious woman just be Mother nature and the sea or some garbage, and a slew of quite wasted or unneeded smaller, bit part characters. Speaking of Elizabeths father, if they were going all that way to save Jack, why not just hoist her dad up out of the boat while they were at it?!
How about some more ball droppers on the plot! The biggest most notable one being the shafting of the KRAKEN! Its a common, almost juvenile complaint, but damn if it isnt a good one. One of the most memorable movie monsters in YEARS is completely dropped, given one scene and a few throwaway lines. Despite being a major part of the second film, having the potential to spice up that mess of a finale in this film, or even giving us the joy of seeing The Dutchman tear the beast apart, we are lacking any Kraken action whatsoever. Also, stop me if Im wrong, but does it even make SENSE for Beckett to order Jones to dispatch his terrible beastie?! I thought the whole point of the power struggle for Jones heart in the second film was HE WHO CONTROLS JONES CONTROLS THE KRAKEN, AND THEREFORE CONTROLS THE SEA. Why not order Jones to just hunt down all the remaining Pirates with the Kraken? As we saw in the final film, Jones and his ship alone werent that big of a threat on their own. So besides despriving us of some good old fashioned creature action, it just didnt make any ****ing sense.
But dont stop there. What about that generally interesting love triangle and jealousy angle set up between Will, Jack, and Elizabeth. Unlike the supposed Luke-Leia-Han incest love triangle supposedly peppering the original Star Wars films, I actually felt there was a pretty tense love triangle going on here- so when they all but completely dropped it in the third film, my hands were up in the air(Not really, they were crossed in disgust and possibly groping the girl next to me). Elizabeth, like all good women worth wanting, spends the first two films running around back and forth between 3 different guys, so to have things so calm for the third film felt like a gigantic cop out. Especially given the amount that her love would be challenged at the end, the build up to that was non existant and so I didnt feel anything. Of course, this lack of a love triangle may have had something to do with the fact that not one but two of her former love distractors- Thats right, the original Jack and Norrington- were all but absent from the film in the first place.
Now, cohesion. Call me crazy, but I was under the impression that these two sequels were written- and made- together. So why is it, then, that the SECOND FILM fits in with the first film almost flawlessly, while the third film is an utter mess than shares nothing but the actors and a few sets. Seriously, I got the impression that the uptmost care was taken to make DMC feel like an extension of the original Pirates. This film, though? This film feels like a six year old and an eleven year old were locked in a room with a rough outline of the last two films, a bunch of mountain dew, and told that the faster they finished the story the more presents they would get. Forget feeling connected with the first film, this puppy doesnt even feel connected with the second. You know, the one that they made it with. Rather than picking up where the last one left us, it jumped ahead some random amount of time and changed a bunch of crap that (again) didnt need changing. If it aint broke.. Oh, **** it, you get the idea.
And the tone?! Dont even get me started on the tone. Whereas the other films balanced adventure and humor with a few meatier, more adult(okay, more teenage) concepts, this film feels like a pregnant woman on her period. That opening scene was grand, Ill give you that. Nice and dark and perfect. And the ending? Also pretty damn dark. In fact, theres a lot of darkness in here, but for every bit of darkness theres two scenes full of childish, often unfunny humor. I say childish, because, well, thats what it was: childish and unfunny. Theres a big difference between making humor appropriate for all ages and catering JUST to children, and thats exactly what this film did. Sure, theres a few moments of it here and there in the other movies(Ive got a jar of dirt), but its in here as much as the 12th sequel to The Land Before Time, and as such feels completely out of place. I wouldnt even have a problem with the film if it just catered to children. I wouldnt really like it probably, but I dont now, so who knows, maybe I would have. The problem is that the catering to children is intercut with mass violence and death and darkness, and they both counteract one another to the point where neither is effective.
Finally, the waste in general. One of the biggest complaints about Dead Mans Chest is that the scene on Cannibal Island is pretty useless and far too long. Well, that sums up 98% of this film: Pretty useless and far too long. All that Asian crap? Id equate that with the Cannibal Island stuff, except its longer, and they threw in a rape and a gruesome death to again cater to the children. But the biggest thing about this film, in fact, the majority of what this film is about, is the gathering of the pirates. And its all for nothing. Talk about anticlimactic on a grand scale. For the entirety of these sequels, there are forces being gathered. Two sides. Dead Mans Chest united the East India Trading Company, Davey Jones, and who knows how many other people and nations that got strong armed into service like Elizabeths father. And then this film spends the entire time uniting all the Pirates. It has built and built and built all for... A big boxing match. A football game. An event where everyone except the chosen few battle it out in front of countless spectators. 3 ships. 3 ships in a whirlpool. I wont even bring up the 1000 foot tall woman, because no one can defend that if their life depended on it. Quite possibly the most anticlimactic moment Ive experienced in all of film. It would be one thing if they maybe established this basically 1 on 1 ship fight between the leaders to save lives or something. Thats completely plausable. It used to happen all the time in actual battles, it happens in movies, most recently I remember it happening in the beginning of Troy. See, thats the thing, it happened in the beginning of Troy. Because even they knew that to do that at the end would be anticlimactic. Even if they established this, it would have still been anticlimactic, but at least it would have been SOMETHING. Maybe then we wouldnt have all been sitting in the theater turning to eachother going, What the hell, when are all the other ships going to jump in and help?! So at the end of the day, this entire quest of the film to bring all the Pirates together, its just a waste. In fact, the end of the film, which leaves things pretty much exactly the same as how we started all the way back at the beginning of the original Pirates, its makes it ALL feel like one big flaccid waste. Sure, a few people are dead and a couple characters have swapped roles, but everything is pretty much exactly the same. Thats right, I just used the word flaccid to describe something other than a penis, and it was this movie.
I wont be all negative though. There were a few moments of greatness. Like I said, the opening scene is fantastic. Poppa Sparrow is nice. And shooting the monkey out of the cannon almost makes up for the rest of the film sucking so horribly. But not quite.