SPIDER-MAN: Action sequence! Ha! AUDIENCE: Alright! This movie's gonna be awesome! MARY-JANE: Peter, I want to talk about our relationship. Twenty minutes later... AUDIENCE: MAKE IT STOP! PETER: Let's get it on! MARY-JANE: Ride me, Peter! Ride me like Seabiscuit! AUDIENCE: GO BACK TO TALKING! GO BACK TO TALKING! * SPIDER-MAN: I'm back! I wonder who my arch-foe will be this time. After the high-tech, super-strong Green Goblin who knew my secret identity and the brilliant but evil Doctor Octopus, who will be my foil in this, possibly the last chapter of my epic saga? THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Hi. (pause) I turn into sand. SPIDER-MAN: Right... THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: What? SPIDER-MAN: Nothing, it's just that you don't even have a costume and you STILL look better than the Green Goblin. * MARY-JANE: Peter, our relationship is in crisis! PETER: I know! It's... Peter gets up and walks to a previously-unseen cycle, which he spins. It lands at "Fear of Infidelity." PETER: Infidelity? Who would I cheat on you with!? FELICIA: 'Sup? * MARY-JANE: Peter, I just don't want you to cheat on me. PETER: Like you technically cheated on John Jameson by asking me to kiss you while you were still engaged to him? MARY-JANE: ...I choose to ignore that because it does not reflect positively on me. * THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Grr! Hate Spider-Man! SPIDER-MAN: Man, he's got some ego. If I only I had a well-timed quip to puncture it. Ah well, I guess I'll just punch him instead. AUDIENCE: Wait a minute! Where's the comedy that defines Spider-Man!? JAMESON: 'Sup? * FELICIA: So what do you want to do; actually have an affair which would be interesting, but infuriate fans and family watchdog groups, or be wackily misunderstood, which is a cliche, but one that people will live with? PETER: Hmmm... I'll do with wacky misunderstanding. Now c'mere so I can give you a supportive, friendly hug. MARY-JANE: Gasp! You're cheating on me! PETER: MJ, wait! It's not what it looks like. MARY-JANE: That's what you said about the supportive, friendly massage you gave her! MUSIC: Wak wak wak waaaaaaaaa.... * HARRY: Alright, Thomas Haden Church, time to join forces! THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: As long as you don't make any Sideways jokes. HARRY: ...You drive a hard bargain, Church. A hard bargain indeed. * PETER: If only there was a way to settle things between myself, you, and Mary-Jane without someone getting hurt! FELICIA: Menage ala trois. PETER: What was that? FELICIA: Nothing... hey, Mary-Jane, wanna give me a supportive, friendly hug? MARY-JANE: Pervert. * THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Bwahahaha! I am the Sandman! SPIDER-MAN: Drat! GREEN GOBLIN 2: Bwahahaha! I am the SECOND Green Goblin! SPIDER-MAN: Oh no! DOCTOR OCTOPUS 2: And I am the second Doctor Octopus! SPIDER-MAN: ... DOCTOR OCTOPUS 2: I'm like the first Doctor Octopus, but I'm a chick! GREEN GOBLIN 2: ... DOCTOR OCTOPUS 2: I was in Secret War! THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: ... DOCTOR OCTOPUS 2: ...I just wanted to be noticed. * PETER: I feel like I'm forgetting something. AUNT MAY: 'Sup? I'm here to spell out the moral of the story. PETER: Lay it on me. AUNT MAY: Right. (ahem) Sometimes you have to give up the things you love in order to... PETER: We already covered that. AUNT MAY: We did? Okay. With great power comes... PETER: Did it. AUNT MAY: Ummm... sometimes God help those who help themselves? PETER: You're not even trying anymore, are you? AUNT MAY: Listen, I have ONE JOB in this lousy franchise! It's stupid, but you're going to get the support and guidance of an parental figure, GOT IT!? * THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: So, which of us gets the big battle with Spider-Man? HARRY: I get redeemed at the end, so you, I guess. THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: I'm having the Best Week Ever! * SPIDER-MAN: Battle battle battle! THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Battle battle battle! SPIDER-MAN: Ah-ha! Win win win! THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Defeat defeat defeat! SPIDER-MAN: See, now this would be the perfect time for a well-timed quip. THOMAS HADEN CHURCH: Remember me as a peacemaker! Rosebud! Stay gold Ponyboy! GAK! * HARRY: Well, time for my Tragic Yet Ultimately Redemptive Death. And, of course, it would be quite thematic if it was similar to my father's death. PETER: Well, any noble, redemptive last words? HARRY: Yeah. Remember when I was dating Mary-Jane? I totally hit it! PETER: ...See, this is why I'm not sad you're meeting your Tragic Yet Ultimately Redemptive End. When's that coming anyway? HARRY: I don't... my God! That dog's about to be hit by traffic! CAR ACCIDENT: HAPPEN! PETER: Wait, there must be thematic similarities! Okay, I've got this... "Don't tell Harry." HARRY: Don't tell me what? GAK! PETER: That giving a supportive, friendly hug doesn't count as "hitting it." * PETER: So, time to resolve our romantic spat? MARY-JANE: Just about. (pause) I love you, Peter! PETER: I love you, Mary-Jane! FELICIA: Well, sucks being me. I'll just go stand in the corner and look pretty. MARY-JANE: Hey, that's MY job! PETER: Baby, I'm gonna give you such a supportive, friendly hug that you won't be able to walk straight in the morning! * PETER: (narrating) And so we lived happily ever after... until the rent came do, after which we got together to do yet another sequel and cry about how we were supposed to be the Next Big Things. What the... HARRISON FORD! HARRISON FORD: Sorry, kid, but there can only be one Worst Narrator in cinema. Ahem. "My wife called me sushi. Cold fish." PETER: You win this round, Ford, but I'll be back! PETER: (narrating) And so I would be... but that was a story for another time. HARRISON FORD: (narrating) My wife told me to ride her. Ride her like Seabiscuit. PETER: CURSE YOU!